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Durkin Tactical Franklin Armory
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Posted: 1/1/2012 1:52:21 PM EDT
(Update: seems to work fine now, thank you.  See the post below with my pic.)

I think most of it's okay, except for my answer to "I typically spend my leisure time".

What I have is f*cking dreadful, I know that much.  But I'm not sure how to fix it, what to focus on and what to not mention and what to add and how to change the wording and such.  And I thought that you girls might be able to help with that.

So, here's the terrible, horrifically bad, current version:


I have an extremely active mind, and sometimes I have trouble relaxing. I like learning, making stuff, and helping people and critters. In addition to my job, I'm also a volunteer with the Red Cross and with Lollypop Farm. I'm also working on a patent. And I spend a lot of time (too much!) on my computer, talking to and playing with friends online and looking things up and discussing things. I love deep and private conversations. But I like to get out, too. Good movies, bookstores, shops, etc. Want to go to an arcade? Go-kart racing? Dance lessons? Martial arts class? Read a book in a park? Visit a museum? I'm game!

It desperately needs fixing.  Where do I start?
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 2:12:56 PM EDT
[#1]
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 2:17:30 PM EDT
[#2]
Quoted:
I think most of it's okay, except for my answer to "I typically spend my leisure time".

What I have is f*cking dreadful, I know that much.  But I'm not sure how to fix it, what to focus on and what to not mention and what to add and how to change the wording and such.  And I thought that you girls might be able to help with that.

So, here's the terrible, horrifically bad, current version:


I have an extremely active mind, and sometimes I have trouble relaxing. I like learning, making stuff, and helping people and critters. In addition to my job, I'm also a volunteer with the Red Cross and with Lollypop Farm. I'm also working on a patent. And I spend a lot of time (too much!) on my computer, talking to and playing with friends online and looking things up and discussing things. I love deep and private conversations. But I like to get out, too. Good movies, bookstores, shops, etc. Want to go to an arcade? Go-kart racing? Dance lessons? Martial arts class? Read a book in a park? Visit a museum? I'm game!

It desperately needs fixing.  Where do I start?


Keep it short and simple that way when you meet the woman you have a lot to talk about.


Its not bad all together just needs to be re-tooled.

In my down time I like to volunteer for the Red Cross and the Lollypop Farm; it lets me work with my hands and help people at the same time. My intrests are varied from tinkering with _____________(whatever your patent would fall under) to meeting up with friends for a movie and a beer. I want someone to go to musemes, football games, or just sit in the park and have a good conversation with.

Maybe expand a little on that if I missed something important.
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 2:25:55 PM EDT
[#3]
You seem over eager to do anything they want to do. That works for self centered little girls but not for women. You need to have depth and show them something interesting that they might like to try.

Mine was so far different from yours! Also it helps if you are not a fat, balding loser.

Be interesting.
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 2:41:11 PM EDT
[#4]
In my down time I like to volunteer for the Red Cross and the Lollypop Farm; it lets me work with my hands and help people at the same time. My intrests are varied from tinkering with _____________(whatever your patent would fall under) to meeting up with friends for a movie and a beer. I want someone to go to musemes, football games, or just sit in the park and have a good conversation with.

Maybe expand a little on that if I missed something important.


Good suggestions.  I need to tweak mine for the new year.  Online dating is hard
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 2:45:13 PM EDT
[#5]
Quoted:
In my down time I like to volunteer for the Red Cross and the Lollypop Farm; it lets me work with my hands and help people at the same time. My intrests are varied from tinkering with _____________(whatever your patent would fall under) to meeting up with friends for a movie and a beer. I want someone to go to musemes, football games, or just sit in the park and have a good conversation with.

That helps, thanks.  It's a little off, of course, but the wording is much better, and illustrates the problems with mine.

I'll check back in a little while and then try a second draft.
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 2:46:53 PM EDT
[#6]
Quoted:
You seem over eager to do anything they want to do. That works for self centered little girls but not for women. You need to have depth and show them something interesting that they might like to try.

Yeah, that was one of the big problems, but it really comes down to phrasing, not substance.

Andrew came up with some nice wording that makes the same point but doesn't sound terrible like mine did.
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 3:52:18 PM EDT
[#7]
Okay.  Second draft, and I only changed the last third or so.


I have an extremely active mind, and sometimes I have trouble relaxing.  I like learning, making stuff, and helping people and critters. In addition to my job, I'm also a volunteer with the Red Cross and with Lollypop Farm. I spend a lot of time (too much!) on my computer, talking to and playing with friends online and looking things up and discussing things. I love deep and private conversations. But I also like to get out and have fun exploring and enjoying the world.  Anything from museums to martial arts to dance classes or just browsing through used bookstores, I'm always up to something.

Do me a favor and tell me what, in there, is bad.

I'm not fond of the first sentence, for instance.  But I kind of think it hits a middle ground between "I love being physically active" jocks, and useless "let's just hang" stoners, and seems central to my personality.  But maybe it's totally unnecessary.

ETA: Pulled the first sentence.  A writer's best friend is the delete key.
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 6:57:19 PM EDT
[#8]
I would change critters and as for the first line go with something like: I'm a man about town so to say; I like being out doing something with my life.
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 7:10:48 PM EDT
[#9]
Quoted:
I would change critters and as for the first line go with something like: I'm a man about town so to say; I like being out doing something with my life.

That would probably be great if I was, heh.

Critters fits because Lollypop Farm is the local humane society animal shelter.
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 7:10:54 PM EDT
[#10]
Quoted:

Keep it short and simple that way when you meet the woman you have a lot to talk about.


Its not bad all together just needs to be re-tooled.

In my down time I like to volunteer for the Red Cross and the Lollypop Farm; it lets me work with my hands and help people at the same time. My intrests are varied from tinkering with _____________(whatever your patent would fall under) to meeting up with friends for a movie and a beer. I want someone to go to musemes, football games, or just sit in the park and have a good conversation with.

Maybe expand a little on that if I missed something important.


I agree with this, and will watch for your update.
Link Posted: 1/1/2012 8:58:46 PM EDT
[#11]
Quoted:
Okay.  Second draft, and I only changed the last third or so.


I have an extremely active mind, and sometimes I have trouble relaxing.  I like learning, making stuff, and helping people and critters. In addition to my job, I'm also a volunteer with the Red Cross and with Lollypop Farm. I spend a lot of time (too much!) on my computer, talking to and playing with friends online and looking things up and discussing things. I love deep and private conversations. But I also like to get out and have fun exploring and enjoying the world.  Anything from museums to martial arts to dance classes or just browsing through used bookstores, I'm always up to something.

Do me a favor and tell me what, in there, is bad.

I'm not fond of the first sentence, for instance.  But I kind of think it hits a middle ground between "I love being physically active" jocks, and useless "let's just hang" stoners, and seems central to my personality.  But maybe it's totally unnecessary.

ETA: Pulled the first sentence.  A writer's best friend is the delete key.


I would also consider removing or rewording "I spend a lot of time (too much!) on my computer...".  Though you describe a variety of activities you enjoy, this line doesn't say "active" and "fun."
Link Posted: 1/2/2012 7:08:56 AM EDT
[#12]
It may help if you clearly figure out the type of woman you are looking for and then build your profile from that.
Link Posted: 1/2/2012 8:12:13 PM EDT
[#13]
Wow, this is working a lot better.

I've had three interesting women open communications with me since I made those changes yesterday.

I'd show you guys my current profile but eharmony locks them down tight.

I don't think the substance was far off, but I knew I wasn't presenting it well.  I've never been good at that.  But it feels much better now, so thanks again.

ETA: Pic I found for you curious types:

Link Posted: 1/2/2012 8:22:21 PM EDT
[#14]
Oh, here we go.  Took two screenshots, but it's big so I won't embed it:

http://www.jcrichman.com/gallery/eharmony_profile_1_3_12.jpg
Link Posted: 1/3/2012 8:11:33 AM EDT
[#15]
WTF is wrong with giraffes? They're tall and have a quiet grace. They can't help it if they smell bad.  


Side note: Your use of the word "critters" is irritating. Maybe that's just me, though.
Link Posted: 1/3/2012 8:17:50 AM EDT
[#16]
Try pronouncing it with an educated yankee's accent rather than in a rural southern drawl.







Yeah, I went there!
Link Posted: 1/3/2012 8:23:12 AM EDT
[#17]
Head and shoulders, standard bust portrait shot.
Look directly into the camera, smile.
Do not be wearing outerwear if you are not outdoors.
Do not include your gay lovers creepy hairy hand in the frame.

My portraits got my buddy Bernie laid and eventually married on Lavalife.
You're welcome.
Link Posted: 1/3/2012 8:25:33 AM EDT
[#18]
Notice that's my alternate picture, not the primary.  And that's my uncle's arm, dumb fuck.  And I don't need help getting laid.
Link Posted: 1/3/2012 8:59:07 AM EDT
[#19]
Quoted:
Notice that's my alternate picture, not the primary.  And that's my uncle's arm, dumb fuck.  And I don't need help getting laid.


Your uncle?

Kinky.
Link Posted: 1/3/2012 9:02:56 AM EDT
[#20]
Heh
Link Posted: 1/5/2012 10:47:20 PM EDT
[#21]
Tagged to look through this later on.  



I glanced and the screen capture and it looked nice to me.  
Link Posted: 1/6/2012 1:59:28 AM EDT
[#22]
Updates since this is bumped anyway:

I've since given in and changed "critters" to "animals".

Also added "as her health deteriorated" to the bit about my grandfather, since it occurred to me that it sounded strange otherwise.

Also, unrelated to this thread but probably worth mentioning, there's a second uncle cropped out of that fridge pic, this one off to the right of the pic.  That uncle, Dean, was an Annapolis graduate and a USMC artillery officer in Vietnam, and was given a military burial two weeks ago.

As to responses, 2 of the first 3 petered out as communications showed we didn't have much in common (one was looking for a travel agent, and the other closed me so I just wasn't what she was into), but 2 more women contacted me, so I'm still talking to 3.  Either that's a new year's fluke of women making resolutions to contact more people, or I'm presenting myself better now.  Or I'm grotesque and presenting myself inaccurately, but either way I'll take it.
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