The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army
SGT Shawn Stanford
Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.
9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.
10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
12. Not allowed to join any militia.
13. Not allowed to form any militia.
14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.
19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.
20. Must not taunt the French any more.
21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.
24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your *** in World War 2!'
27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')
36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).
37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.
38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.
39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
40. I do not have super-powers.
41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.
42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.
54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.
56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.
57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
60. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you'.
62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
66. There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.
69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.
70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad'.
74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
78. I may not call block my chain of command.
79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
82. May not form any press gangs.
83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.
85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.
87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
89. Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
93. Nerve gas is not funny.
94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
96. 'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.
97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.
122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
127. 'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.
128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
129. The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders.
130. 'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
136. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole ****ing village!' while out on a mission is bad.
137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
138. Even if my commander did it.
139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.
144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'
152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.
155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.
157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
158. The revolution is not now.
159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.
160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
163. Take that hat off.
164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
165. I do not get 'that time of month'.
166. No, the pants are not optional.
167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.
171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.
172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.
173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.
176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.
178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
185. My name is not a killing word.
186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
206. Not allowed to get shot.
207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.
bahh!.. that was a month ago =p!
Old, but still funny.
If your gunna dupe it, bump that one every once in a while will ya?
I bet the author is a 37F.
I dunno if it was a dupe, but that was certainly worth the read.
OK, who is 37F?
OMG That was funny
Thats FUNNY Pure brilliance !
Tagged for later to save.
100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
Okay, which ARFcomer wrote this? MJD
Damn, OMG, I've got tears in my eyes. Now why can't THAT guy be in MY unit? Everyone's so friggen serious.
IT TOOK ME TWO HOURS TO READ THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I tried to do it in one hit, I would have died laughing, and my wife would have found me dead, with a big smile on my face, in front of the computer!
Thats about the funniest thing I've ever read
Thats been floating around for years....
I am sure you can still stuff a watch up your ass anytime you like.
ROFLAMO, i had tears from laughing so hard, that was some funny stuff.
I bet when that guy wanted to be he was a hell of a soldier.
someone on this site said they served with him the last time this was posted and that schwarz got discharged for homosexuality??? at his next duty station...
That was just a ploy do get out (Kilinger!)
I've seen this a thousand times, though not in a year or so, and tears are still streaming down my face and my chest hurts
An oldie but a goodie, especially #58, #204, and #44.
I've done alot of those.
EDIT and UPDATE
I found that the guy who wrote this list put his site back up because it was so popular. Here is his bio from the site, and NO he did not get ganked for being a homo... put in 6 years in psyops and got out.
Here is his bio from the site:
An Introduction to Skippy
(Not particularly funny. Go ahead and drink something.)
You want to support our troops? Here's a better idea than wasting money on a car magnet saying "I support our troops" that they can't see from overseas.
Adopt a soldier!
Check out Operation Military Pride.
I am a college student. I am studying everything I can, with the hopes of someday getting hired to design video games. A few years ago, I spent some time in the Army. Some people seem to find this piece of knowledge amusing for some reason.
How the list started:
It was just some emails I sent back to a few friends of mine. I was stationed in Bosnia, it sucked, and I got bored. I mean *really* bored. People who have been on a military deployment can understand what I am talking about here. I’d tell my friends back home about the kinds of pranks me and the other soldiers would play on each other to keep amused. By about month three, I had taken to ending every email with a few things I was no longer allowed to do. It didn’t actually start as a joke (See item number 1). My friend assembled these into a list, and named it “The 101 Things Skippy Can’t Do” and started passing it around. The problem was, there were only 30 or so items on it. And people seemed to like it. So I wrote some more. And some more. And I kept at it for a few years. Acquaintances of mine would pass it back and forth, and laugh at it. Shortly after 9/11 another friend of mine asked if she could make a web-site out of the list. I said “Sure, why not”. I would occasionally get email about it, but didn’t think much of it any more. After it had been up for a few years, my friend asked if I wanted to keep the site going. I figured “This gag has been done, it was funny for a while, but I don’t feel like paying money to keep this going.” It went down, and I forgot about it.
A few months ago, I go contacted by a journalist, looking for the author of the list. I was told it was now a considered ”The definitive guide to subversive army humor”. I wasn’t so sure about that (I’m pretty sure that the StrategyPage.com humor section covers that) but out of curiosity I did a search for my list.
People evidently like this thing.
So I guess I’ll put it back up.
Why did the site go away for so long?
Because I got out of the Army. Nobody gives me orders any more. Hence, no more additions to the list. I’ll try to write other funny things, but the list is pretty much done. I’ve got a few stories that never worked their way onto the list, maybe I’ll put them there.
I am releasing a secondary list of things that other people have done. I can’t make any guarantees about whether or not they actually happened, but they will be funny. (Or at the very least, *I’ll* think they’re funny.)
Some amusing misconceptions I have found floating around the net:
1. Skippy is a woman.
Not exactly sure why. Interestingly enough, only Male Non-Commissioned Officers seem to make this mistake. One of them even sent me his picture, in case I wanted a boy friend. (Note: I don’t.)
2. I was a Sergeant, or an Officer.
Nope. I was, in Army Speak, a career E-4. I was good at my job, but I lacked the Army Mentality necessary for promotion. I like to think of it as having a low tolerance for bullshit. Others would describe it as a total inability to keep my barracks room clean, or be nice to people simply because they outranked me.
3. The Skippy’s List was shut down by the army, who thought that it made them look bad.
Not the case. The Skippy’s list went down because I was no longer in the Army. It just kinda felt wrong to continue to add to it, after I had received my separation orders.
4. Skippy was in (fill in the blank with some unit or other usually Intel related).
I was in Psyop, the whole time I was in the army. I have served in the following units.
- 1st PSYOP Battalion
- 6th PSYOP Battalion
- 9th PSYOP Battalion
And that’s it.
5. Skippy must have been a horrible soldier to serve with.
Oh be fair. Do you really think that I spent the whole time I was serving coming up with ways to screw with people? There’s a time and a place for making jokes. You probably have a “funny guy/girl” in your office or military unit. That’s what I was. I just wrote it down. There are only 213 things on this list. I was in the army for six years. That’s one item every 10.14 days. The rest of the time I was a model soldier. Maybe not model, but at least passable. Um….well, I showed up, that has to count for something.
6. Skippy made all of that stuff up.
I assure you, every thing on this list is something that I personally was instructed not to do, or I witnessed another soldier receive instructions about. Not to say that everything actually happened, just that it was discussed. For example, I didn’t get breast implants, but I pretended to be interested in getting them, just because it made my Team Sergeant’s face turn all kinds of interesting colors. The list gives the impression that I did everything, only because it sounds funnier that way.
7. Skippy did *everything* on the list.
Jesus. I’d be locked in a little padded room, clutching my knees, mumbling about the rats. I’m not *that* crazy.
8. Skippy got a Section 8.
Heh. No, that didn’t happen. I actually got an Honorable Discharge. I’m now a college student, which is a lot like being in the Army, except when stupid people yell at me for stupid things, I can hit them now.
9. Skippy was a (Fill in the blank with an MOS, usually something in the field of Military Intel).
I entered as a 25M (Multi-Media Illustrator). After a few years I transferred to 37F (Psychological Operations Specialist). I switched mainly on account of the fact that when home on leave, “I do Psychological Warfare” has a better chance of impressing women than “I defend our country by drawing decorative illustrations”. And it got too annoying explaining to people why on earth the Army saw a need for me to be an Airborne Illustrator. (To this day, I’m not exactly sure why.)
10. Skippy was a weird little cuss.
Look, if spending your leave assembling a kilt out of fruit roll-ups in order to be the world's first “Edible Scot” makes you weird…on second thought, that is kinda weird, so yeah, I guess that one stands.
© copyright 1997
updated September 22, 2005
more new things not to do posted on his site :
Voices in your head do not constitute lawful orders.
Do not try to mind-meld with your 1SG.
Do not attempt to place subliminal messages on the power point slides.
Grenades are not kept in the company refrigerator and they do not spoil over time if not used after they come out of the container.
Never require the host nation personnel to refer to you as "sire". And do not have the interpreter refer to you as "excellency".
Indigeneous personnel are not required to kneel before you.
"Pax Americana" is not a proper slogan for any deployment OCONUS.
"Rape, kill, pillage, and burn" are not annexes to the OPORD.
Pillaging is not an operational phase.
(Submitted by Gensuke Farseer)
American soldiers do not "consume the flesh of their fallen enemies to gain their strength."
(Submitted by J. Lidman)
Do not attempt to communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
(Submitted by Scott Hintze)
Not allowed to use 27 packs of post it notes to label everything in the barracks so the General won’t have any questions during the inspection.
"I was cold" is a bad reason to be in the female barracks.
The cord on the blinds can not be used to rappel. (See above.)
Not allowed to use an e-tool on the golf course.
Cutting the uppers and lowers of CMSG rank doesn’t make you a Command Private Major.
Temporary insanity is not a good excuse for missing PT.
Do not throw up during PT, no mater how much Tequila was involved.
Do not use chemlights to mark a runway for the aliens.
I beg to differ:
http://www.fbody.com/members/shocktrp//LandmineSmileyFace.jpg (don't hotlink, it won't work).
Once upon a time, the powers at be decided to send a unit from the 82d to Fort Polk to act as refugees for another unit that was training for a refugee mission in Haiti. They issued us ID cards, and allowed us to dress and act like civilians. We really had nothing to do, except live in a refugee camp and act like assholes to everyone training.
Of course, once troops have nothing to do, they start finding things to keep themselves amused.
After approximately a week of digging up their minefield and putting the mines in odd places (like outside their CO's tent inside their compound), this was the final straw. Notice the pioneer tools stolen from under one of their Hummers. Also, under the nose of the happy face was a smoke grenade, minus pin, that was taken from one of their booby traps out in the woods (too bad I didn't get a picture of them running from that). After this incident, they enclosed the minefield in triple strand concertina wire to keep us out (of course rendering the minefield totally ineffective).
I ETS'ed a month later - I wonder if they ever had us back to be refugees again.
That's not all:
Do not send cherries to the supply sergeant to bring back;
100 feet of woodline
Spark plugs for the Hummer
Do not tell cherries that we need a radio, then send them int othe 1st sergeants office to retrieve the Prick-E8.
Do not give cherries a piece of chalk and a ball-peen hammer and tell them to find the soft spots in an armored vehicle.
Do not have cherries jump up and down on the armored vehicle to test the shocks.
Do not stick the fuses from practice grenades in apples and oranges and throw them through windows in MOUT city at the OPFOR.
BTW there is only one 's' in PSYOP.
tag for later reading.
tag to read the rest of these
Ok, so Im not skippy but these are things I was told I could no longer do.
1. I can no longer refer to my M-240B as the hand of God.
2. My name is not harvester of Sorrow, nor is my M-1114 hummvee named the same.
3. Telling Sgt.Smith to spend some quality time in his room with his M16 and one round of ammo is not nice.
4. pointin a loaded 9mm at sgt.smith for once again kicking in my door in the dark a.m. is also not nice.
5. telling sgt. smith I will pop him in the head is also not nice.
6. shooting jolly ranchers at the haji kids with a slingshot is not friendly.
7. asking Cav officers(when wearing their blue stetsons and spurs) do they sell mens cloths where you bought that gay shit, is Verbotten!!
8. calling the MPs monkey pumpers is also Verbotten.
9.Refering to the 82nd ABN personel on our FOB as lawndarts also forbidden.
Just cant have ny fun.
Best laugh I've had in a long time. I used to know a guy kinda like Skippy, he kept us all amused.....except the Sgt's.
some things i was told i could not do while i was in iraq:
1: I may not rename guntruck 8 (my guntruck) the gunship lolipop, and refer to it as the abbreviation gslp (jizzlip) on the radio
2: Play soundbites from my bevis and butthead remote (came with the book) after every piece of information the task force commander put out during the bub
3: shine my surefire at the bottom of blackhawks flying nape of the earth over my c-hut (apparently it triggers the decoy flares)
4: wear a list of my sponsers (this sight included) on my uniform nascar style during combat ops
(some of you may have seen the cav arms patch on my stuff in some of my pics)
5: refer to my plt sgt as sweet daddy
6: shoot gazels while on guard duty in tower 8
7: have my roomate bring his humvee over to the fence to pull in above mentioned gazeles
8: hang and butcher said gazeles from the bottom of above mentioned guard tower
9: drink near beer while manning the 240b in the turret of the gslp while cunducting convoy ops
10: refer to thursday night as "gay butt sex night"
11: never ever again say "it put the lotion on its skin" or whisper "just touch yourself" out side of the portapotties
12: create elaborate booby-traps in the arms room that spray unathorized personel with improvised pepper spray when the force entry after hours
13: do not advertise the fact that i have 40 gigs of porn on my external hard drive for trade, no matter how popular it makes me with the guys from 25id
some of them don't seem very funny but were hilarious at the time, theres alot more, but im way to tired to think of them, i had to TI all of the crew served weapons today
I posted this on another board and one of the guys there was an Abrams gunner during the initial invasion of Iraq in 2003. He added the 60 things he's no longer allowed to do.
1 Go near the chow hall "after hours" (I've been known to clean it out a few times)
2 Go mud bogging just for the hell of it.
3 Start fights between kids wanting an MRE
4 Hide other people's sensitve items, even if they leave them out in broad daylight.
5 Threaten officers with a wiffle bat beating
6 Laugh when officers tell me what school they went to
7 Laugh hysterically when they say they are from West Point
8 Play death metal on the chaplain's guitar
9 Take the new guys on SCUD hunts
10 Go near the new guys with any kind of smile on my face
11 Use masturbation as an excuse as to my tardiness at formation
12 Walk around with a grenade pin telling people to take cover
13 Send the national guardsmen over to maintenace looking for a 120mm blank adapter
14 Steal Alpha Company's mascot
15 Verbal Counseling does not include nipple clamps
16 pass out cigarettes to kids
17 teach kids how to flip the bird
18 write random names on my ammuntion
19 look at the water tower and twitch with little or no provocation
20 ask before people go out on raids "if you don't make it back, can I have your stereo?"
21 During night ops, breaking a chem light open, smearing the liquid everywhere, and saying "if it bleeds, we can kill it" is a no-no
22 No more play by play calls over the net concerning the dude gettin' some in the buildings in front of me
23 The tank is not a bottle opener
24 Engineers are not Weapons of Mass Construction
25 Mason Jars are not USMC headgear
26 The best way to check for fuel leaks is not waving a lighter around
27 AT-4's are not bongs, especially the ones we haven't fired yet
28 Write a random address found on the internet, begging for Cheetos and having them sent to my commander
29 Monty Python skits, namely the "bring out your dead" one, are not to be redone in Iraqi villages
30 CIA guys will not tell you who killed Kennedy, nor will they acknowledge that Elvis did it.
31 Scream HOLY SHIT in the middle of the night for no reason
32 "because I will burst into flames" is not a valid reason for not going into the chapel for mission briefs
33 My name is not Classified information
34 I do not need a lawyer during an ass chewing
35 I do not need a lawyer to witness me signing for anything
36 say "please return your stewardess to her full upright and locked posistion" on a plane
37 call Air Force personell pampered little bitches, even if they are
38 "i'll have what the pilot's having" is not a good answer to a beverage question in any airport
39 Jesus is not my tank commander
40 20 grand and a company car are not valid requests for re-enlistment bonuses
41 I cannot refer to myself in the third person in any conversation with any general officer
42 Not allowed near the press at all
43 Spam is not an explosive, and should not be labeled as such
44 Roadwheels are not frisbees
45 Incoming soldiers do not need to be "broken in"
46 I am not allergic to sunlight
47 Fuck you notes are not to be written on government computers
48 The XO's name is not Cheddar Bob
49 Members of Airborne units are not "human lawn darts"
50 The man in the C-130 is to be refered to as "loadmaster" not "stewardess"
51 I cannot replace my Kevlar with a turban at any time of the day
52 His rank is First Sergant, not "massa"
53 "It's 4 o'clock and all is well" is not a valid radio check
54 My posistion is OP1, not Opie's Lawn or Obi-Wan
55 My HQ is Hound Lima, not Hound Llama
56 Tank drag races are out of the question
57 Artillery pieces cannot be fitted with silencers
58 My callsign is not Bloodshed 247
59 I cannot disperse ass pats and "good games" to captured insurgents as we load them into the EPW truck.
60 My wife does not outrank the battalion commander
Tagged. This is the greatest thread I've read in quite awhile. Keep'em coming.
The folks who went to Ft. Campbell to help with the marksmanship "train-the-trainer" program for the 3rd BDE were told flat out not to bring up Somolia or Blackhawk Down to Col. Steele. He apparently took the negative comments made by some of the "operators" about his men VERY personally and does not consider it a topic of conversation.
This thread brought up some memories. Here's some more that I was (or others in my platoon were) not allowed to do:
Not allowed to take a belt of M-60 blanks, peel off 25 rounds, knock the little plastic thing out of the tip, put the powder in a pile, and light it up (smokeless powder doesn't just flash - it make a flame 3' high and seems to burn forever - especially when your platoon leader and the other platoon leaders are watching - the thinking position with 2 full canteens on gravel is not fun).
Not allowed to go out with 1000 rounds of blanks, lose them a few at a time over several days because I didn't feel like humping them around, then return from training without firing a shot and without any ammunition to turn in.
Not allowed to use SAE-30 lawnmower oil on M-60 in Panama because it doesn't evaporate as quickly (makes huge cloud of smoke when barrel heats up).
Not allowed to catch a crab on the beach in Panama, bring it up to the 4th floor, and put it in "Zeke's" bed (I wish I still had the picture of him running around with the crab hanging from his thumb).
Not allowed to take heat tabs, crush them, put them inside smoke grenade, and throw them at the OPFOR.
Not allowed to piss out 3rd floor window in MOUT city, especially when troops are on 1st floor and it is windy.
Not allowed to pose naked near first floor latrine windows, once we noticed that females from HQ were watching us with binoculars from third floor of next barracks every day after PT (they got caught and all their rooms were relocated to other side of barracks).
Not allowed to throw garbage out window towards HQ barracks when power went out.
Not allowed to fire red star clusters at MP's who were ordered to stand between the two barracks.
Not allowed to change lightswitch cover plate to one that says Nine Inch Nails - Question Authority and change lights in room to blacklights (he got thrown out a few months later for failing drug test).
Not allowed to get cherry drunk, put him in shower, and alternate between hot and cold water until he passes out - forcing us to get medic from other barracks to revive him (he was one that got thrown out).
Not allowed to get cherry drunk, duck tape him into sleeping bag, drench bag in shower, and hang out 2nd floor barracks window in December.
Not allowed to have keg in room - when they say each person of legal age can have a maximum of 6 beers (cans only, because bottles cause injury), they mean 12 ounces each.
When assigned to set up and provide training for ROTC cadets, not allowed to alter conditions (Vietnamese-American Trooper is not allowed to hide in swamp up to neck, the rest of us cannot use jungle-warfare tactics learned at JOTC in Panama) in order to show them who's boss.
Not allowed to make banner saying "It's over here LT Hammond" with a big cherry drawn next to it, then stand on top of 5 ton in front of bleachers at Sicily drop zone after jump.
Not allowed to call LT Hammond "Reggie" because the movie "48 hours" was amusing (LT Hammond was blond, white guy).
Not allowed to turn in jump wings a month before ETS, because I no longer felt like jumping Dragon missile.
Not able to get MP's to pull us over and stop drive out to training because 2.5 ton we were riding in back of had no troop strap (even when hanging 1/2 way out of vehicle pointing it out).
Not allowed to help roommate hide 200+ lbs of desert-issued TA-50 (which was supposed to be turned in after returning from Gulf War 1) in ceiling before inspection (ceiling buckling gave us away).
Not allowed to shoot all doorknobs and hinges off live-fire building (range control makes you fix that before leaving the range).
Not allowed to fire tracers into live-fire building marked no pyrotechnics (OK, this was B-Co, we had jump that night, and saw building on fire from the air - engineers had to rebuild it from scratch).
Not allowed to repeatedly push down button on floor of Huey in back repeatedly in flight.
Not allowed to fire star clusters near UH-60's (Warrant Officers get really pissed).
Not allowed to put splitter in ceiling behind dayroom TV, then hook up every room on first floor with cable because I used to work for cable TV and had all the stuff necessary to do this for free.
Not allowed to change my legal address to "Ricks Lounge, 411 Hay Street, Fayetteville, NC" in order to avoid paying the higher NY State income tax rate.
Not allowed to bring strippers back to barracks.
I've never seen this.
All of this is great
I would love to see more!