I got a little human interaction today at least. I talked to a girl I met 35 years while on vacation. Odd, but she was really nice and kind. And hey, she's a nurse so I got that going for me. That was a good hour long stroll down amnesia lane.

...

<edit> TL;DR, Weekend sucked

Fuck Yea, seems like I either have no luck or bad luck.

Wife lost her grandma last night.

Stressing about Christmas, overdrew my bank account by 400$ so I could by presents for the kids.

Just because im a fuck up doesnt mean my kids should suffer. I just want to give them a good Christmas.

What happened?

...

OK, I'm getting in a bad place and need some help. 10/22 I tore my Achilles tendon at work, tripped over a box and tore it when I put my foot down hard to catch myself. Reported it to the ops manager and told him I already had an appt with the doc scheduled two days away. He said fine and I clocked out and went home. I work in retail and am on my feet all day. I could and still can barely walk.

Went to the doc, he refers me to a specialist who schedules an MRI. MRI shows my right Achilles is completely torn loose. Schedules surgery for 11/7 that I ended up having to cancel because Workers Comp didn't approve it. I finally talked to the WC investigator on 11/19, she interviewed me about what happened. Told me she would be out of the office the next week (Thanksgiving).

I tried to call her the week after Thanksgiving to see what was going on but all I got was her voicemail. I also emailed her. I got an automated message through voicemail 12/6 that she was to be out of the office 12/6 and 12/9. She finally called me back today (12/10). She said she thought I was back at work. Anyway I don't think she knows what she's doing and I'm afraid she's going to deny my claim because I went to my doc first.

I'm really getting depressed over this. I don't have any income, my wife, who has stuck by me for 33 years despite my depression, doesn't make enough to pay everything. I still have to pay almost $300 biweekly to keep my insurance at work.

I really don't know what to do. I was going to try to get a loan from my 401k but I can't since I'm on FMLA leave.
I sit here all day watching TV and worrying. I've got to pay insurance this week but I don't have the money. I try not to feel sorry for myself but it's getting harder. I hate to ask for help but any would be appreciated.

I know it's way easier said than done, but you just have to take this day by day until you undoubtedly get back on your feet within the next few months.  Remember nothing is ever as bad as you think it is, nor is it as good as you think it is.  The mind is a dangerous place with too much free time, and so you can't dwell on these things constantly in your mind.  It's fine to acknowledge your problems/priorities, but once you do your best to address them for the day, you need to free you mind of that extreme burden in order to not let things overwhelm you.

Take this problem step by step, and tackle it that way.  This isn't going to be the end of you, and this same time next year you can be in a completely different, and better situation than you currently are in as long as you keep waking up, and pressing forward.

We're all here for you brother, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this difficult period.  I promise it'll get better as you heal up, and fix the worker's comp issue.  It takes way more than this to break a good man such as yourself!

I don't quite understand the situation. You're on paid leave and have health insurance?

I'm not getting paid. I used up what vacation and sick time I had. I have insurance but I still have to pay for it. $300 every two weeks.

Are you scheduled for surgery?

No, I was waiting on WC to approve it. I just got off the phone with them, looks like they're going to deny coverage due to me having surgery on that ankle over 20 years ago. They offered me a settlement of $4500 if I voluntarily resign. If I resign I won't have any insurance, if I'm not working but on unpaid leave I can't afford to pay my insurance, Catch 22. They've got me over a barrel. I give up.

Don’t give up. Do you or your wife have any friends or family you can ask for help?

Sir i WISH i was able to help you financially but sadly i am in bad shape

Your a long time member who deserves help by fellow AR15 members.

I can offer you and your family a prayer although i know you need immediate financial help ASAP!

Contact your county health department. Apply for a Care Credit credit card. You might be surprised.

I got SNAP benefits for a short period. Most humbling thing I have ever done. Took me a long while to get over it but it really helped out. I was the guy at the store buying staples and making sure not to ring up something it wouldn't buy.

Yeah get help, an ex-coworker (I was his boss) of mine killed himself recently from a heroin overdose.  He apparently had a history of depression and drug use unbeknownst to me.  A young 30-something smart guy threw his life away.  Sad.

I am so damned frustrated. I hate this disease.  My family is loaded with it. My mother and father both had to deal with depression, which for me I end up dealing with PTSD from a childhood I wouldn’t wish on anyone. And I also suffer from chronic pain. I am on disability after working over 20 years at one job I actually loved. But you can’t f’ing work if you’re just going to sob like a little bitch everyday day for hours.  My depression is treatment resistant. But my wife and I researched ketamine treatments. She became very hopeful, I remained doubtful. But then we had some overwhelming issues come up that I felt like my back was against the wall.

So,I went in for the ketamine treatments for two weeks that cost 2400$ that we had no business spending even though it was financed interest free. There were moments during those two weeks I thought “hey this may be working somewhat for me”. That was the last two weeks of November. Now I sit here with my depression as bad as it ever was and the word disappointed does not even begin to cover it.  I have tried every medication, talk therapy and still working with that therapist. Even though she has admitted my PTSD is way out of her range, we still work at it.  I am and have been exhausted. I have no clue how long I can do this. I have been married for 21 years. I am 45. And I know it’s taking a heavy toll on her.  I know there is no “cure” but damned me, how do I live with this??? My depression manifested itself when I was younger through intense anger, now it’s overwhelming sadness.  I would just about trade the sadness for the anger. At least with anger I could function and would have moments of happiness. That’s all gone.

In regards to the PTSD, have you researched the new treatment called SGB yet?

https://www.militarytimes.com/pay-benefits/2019/11/06/new-research-shows-nerve-injections-are-effective-for-treating-ptsd-symptoms/

Now about TRD, a few months ago I had a 30+ year psychiatrist tell me that even in the cases of TRD he treats, it almost never happens where the patient doesn't ultimately find the combo of medication needed to alleviate the depression.  He said that in some of the rarer cases, it took several years of dedicated effort to finally find that proper combination of medications.

One thing he said that has very much helped in the above TRD cases was using the rather new DNA cheek swab kits that test for a number of genes, and markers linked to depression, and a variety of other mental health conditions.  I've even seen a few of these test reports with obviously the patient's info blacked out, and it list a wide variety of medications on a bar graph, and how they correspond to your unique genetic makeup.  Besides telling you which medications have the highest potential efficacy for your gene type, it also gives you a forecast for any potential negative side effects associated with each of the medications in relation to your gene type.

https://genesight.com/product/
https://genomind.com/professional-pgx/genetic-testing-better-depression-treatment/

Depression is such a beast because by in large up until now doctors have had to basically just throw proverbial spitballs at the board until one stuck.  This process makes for a pure nightmare with not only the negative medication side effects, but the continual let down of not finding a treatment after once again trying.  It also must be said, but as a man, it's hard enough mustering up the strength to go to the doctor once, let alone go over, and over, and over until the depression is at least manageable, or all together gone with the right medication, therapy, or combination of the two.

Sometimes just having another few years, or even few months of perspective, or potential opportunity while batting depression can turn the tide.  Just like so much about the field of mental health, and depression, "treatment resistant depression" is so far from settled science that you can't just accept that fact, and consign yourself to that fate.

Lastly, I wouldn't be replying in this thread if I didn't believe from the bottom of my heart that my fellow brothers here can find a happier, better life in the future, and one that's free from depression, and mental turmoil.   There is an effective treatment, medication, or therapy out there for you friend, and I'm sorry it's taking so long to find it.  Nonetheless please believe you'll find it as long as you don't give up, especially considering you've given it hell for such a long period of your life already.

I was on arf.com but not here. Feel asleep woke up...and I was on this thread on the first page. Funny shit...Ive been depressed my whole life. Its hard...every day feels the same. Keep your head up guys.

This should be the best Christmas,  but it is the worst. I dont know what to say. I feel like I'm being torn apart inside and it hurts so damn bad.

What's going on?

I'm sorry to hear that friend.   All holidays, but Christmas especially is like jet fuel for depression.

Many of us are here for you if you need someone to talk with.  The holidays will pass soon enough, and in a week or so we'll have a whole new year full of opportunities, and better times.

That's one of the problems I have. When I was a teenage I tried to talk to my mom about how her and my dad were the definition of hatred, and all the people I cared about where dying.

I feel like Paul Newman in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.


I get preached at about how you don't hate anybody, while my parent's wedding picture is in Miriam Webster under hate.

This is the worst Christmas I’ve ever had. Got a cold and into a huge fight with my wife. I feel lost and dead inside.

Me too brother. We are at the brink of divorce and we have a 2 and half year old and a 3 month old. I dont know what to do right now. I'm sick.

You'll recover from that cold, and make up with your wife.  The holidays have a way of magnifying negative feelings.   The new year will bring better days no doubt.  Just hang in there brother!

Attached File

Yeah hatred will absolutely eat you alive from the inside out.    It's not always easy keeping hateful feeling suppressed, but you just can't live a happy life as a hateful human.

Amazing how young Paul Newman looks.

Merry Christmas to all of my friends in this thread!  I'm so proud to be friends with a number of men I've met in this thread.   Keep up the good fight friends, it'll no doubt pay off in time

Things will be better friend, especially now that you are seemingly at rock bottom.  Sometimes you just have to realize how bad things are in order to start to address, and fix them.  Nothing is beyond repair in regards to your family, and wife.

Always try to address these things one small step at a time until things get rolling smoothly, and perhaps that first step should be with a professional who deals with marriage problems.  If you don't want to see a professional therapist, then maybe you guys could seek help from a local church, as they seem to offer programs that could help relationships.

Always remember that it's never as bad, or as good as it seems.  If this Christmas was painful, and depressing, you have a full year to make sure the next one is the complete opposite.   We're here for you friend if it ever gets to overwhelming as well!

Thank you. I want to say things, but dont want it to seem like I'm blaming her....you know, it's always the others fault....Well, we went to counseling recently and I loved it. I did alot to make.changes and did most of what I should do. I guess she didnt like the fact that it wasn't all my fault and I came in prepared and had a daily list of everything I had done. Well we were at home and I mentioned something that the counselor said, and she said "I don't give a shit about that or what she said" . I said screw it then. I'm trying and she is not. She is mean and bitter and says and does things that are way below the belt.
I'm not trying to sound like a little bitch, but a man can only take so much.

And it is not as simple as "eject".
Maybe I'll really type out everything later, but this is tough and while I have no problem leaving her, I will not leave my boys......and she knows this. She threatens me constantly.  It's really a shitty situation. We have a great life generally I.E 2 amazing boys, forever home on land, not poor or wonder if we can eat or take care of our kids and life....etc. but it has become stagnant and she is a mean vindictive bitch. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. She will never be happy.....I at least know I have some issues... she wont admit or face hers. This is the hardest thing. I dont know what to do. It's horrible......HORRIBLE.  I cry like a bitch sometimes because I just am at the end of my rope.

acegunner….While I can't relate personally, I can clearly understand, and see what the situation you're conveying is.  I can understand why you feel trapped, and depressed over the situation.  I've talked with a number of gentlemen one on one in this thread that were all dealing with vindictive, nasty, vile women.  While each had different unique details within the relationship, all of them were being driven down to nothing by a woman continually telling them negative things about themselves, or their life situation.  Those people are cancer in the flesh, and if you know there is no fixing them, then you must extricate yourself from them asap.

Maybe it's time for just you to go see a therapist, and tell them everything that's on your plate.  You won't lose your boys, and it's far more important that they have a healthy, happy, and alive father more than one that tried to fix something that couldn't be repaired.  It's a two way street, and if she truly won't or can't meet you half way, than what choice do you really have in the matter.  We only get on life to live, and you deserve to be loved, and accepted for who you are, especially by your wife.

This isn't to diminish your situation or pain, but trust me when I say that countless men have been in your situation, and have succeeded in repairing, and improving their lives.  Some right in this very thread, and hopefully some will opine based on much better first hand advice than I can offer.

Sometimes the hardest part is admitting, or diagnosing the problem, and in your case that's not the problem at all.  You seem to clearly know what the problem is, and now you just need to formulate a plan that removes this proverbial cancer from your life.  It will be hard, and no doubt painful in the interim, but ultimately you'll be a much happier and better man because of all of this.

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Your words are very true and helpful. Hell, just having someone listen is helpful. It is very hard knowing what I need to do--painful and sickening, really. It seems everyone gives up and gets a divorce and I dont want that. This is not a "screw this I'm out" this is a "I'm not quitting until I've tried all I can" I made my vows before The Lord and it pains me to think about this. I'm not ok and I'm hurting terribly...I really am. I just cant keep being a whipping boy. I cant do it. I'm so sad. We've been together 15 years and married 9. I'm truly hurting...I'm also angry quit frankly. It takes alot for me to say some of this. Thanks.....I will probably say more.

That's what we're here for friend, and I'm really sorry you're feeling the way you are.  Like I said earlier, the holidays just throws jet fuel on all those feelings.

You'll get through this I'm positive, and this time next year you will be in a whole new place.   It's in your power to fix all of this, and once you start truly addressing things in a permanent manner, things will start getting better quickly.  The first real step is always the toughest brother!

Feel a lot better for the oddest reason. My ex girlfriend from 20+ years ago is really leaning on me. I don't mind. We were going to get married and things didn't work out. She's called me for help a few times as of late in obvious pain. Her fiance is dying. She says she's kind of shocked I took the call knowing it was about her fiance. People have a life and it moves on. It must be really painful about to get married to find out the end is near due to cancer. Been kind of helping for me as well letting her vent. Moved on but we never moved apart really. She's in a really bad spot.

Apparently her friends are not master class of listening to someone vent. I have lots of experience. When it gets really bad I put the phone to my ear I deaf in. Not all venting, she does a lot of crying and I just leave the phone on and not talk. I guess it helps.

I have posted previously on Team about my depression and about forgiving my wife after infidelity last year. Some folks said ‘eject’ and some said do whatever it takes to repair your relationship (been together 22 years and have six kids, 5 of them minors, still at home).

For the last month I’ve been stressed and depressed, and my wife is the type of person who grafts on to the emotions of those around her (more on this in a minute).

We’ve been good almost the whole year. We’ve seen our doctor(s) and my wife was diagnosed with depression, and proscribed a few things (Buspar I think). I’ve been on Wellbutrin for several months and it’s helped me immensely. After years of school, my wife and I both graduated and got our RN degrees and got jobs st the same hospital, different departments. Our schedules have been rough. This last month we didn’t see each other much, and it was a stressful and tiring situation.

One of my wife’s Co-workers has an abusive husband. My wife had been spending a lot of time with her, helping her make arrangements to leave, a shoulder to cry on, things like that. At one point my wife even told her friend “Eric and I might have had rough patches over the (22) years, but there’s never been violence or abuse, ever”.

Every time my wife came home from seeing her friend, she’d be...off. Sullen, almost hostile. I’d ask if anything was wrong and she’d say ‘No, everything’s OK’... but again, it seemed off.

Her friend left her husband last weekend. Wife still seemed off. Just a little, I don’t know, artificial.

Christmas Eve, we had my son and his fiancé over and we all had dinner, Christmas activities, the works.  Put the little kids to bed, got the rest of the presents under the tree, and went to bed.

3am I woke up with just a real awful, apprehensive feeling. I woke the wife and point blank said “maybe I’m misinterpreting everything, but is something wrong?”

Wife looked troubled and said “Please don’t  do this”

I said “Honey, please just tell me I’m wrong, but are you upset about something? Please, be honest.”

She looked at me a moment and then said “I can’t be married to you anymore. I’m leaving you. I don’t want to do counseling, I don’t want to try and work things out. I need to be free and on my own. I’ve tried and I just can’t anymore.”

I fell apart. Like my heart was ripped out of my chest. We’ve been good. Date nights, hugging, kissing, no arguments or fights. Our schedule at the hospital has been hectic, but when we had time off we always sped it with each other and it’s been good. It all changed last month, I thought it was the work schedule and the holiday stress. I’ve been seeing a doctor for G.I. issues and I’m due in the hospital For more tests after the first of the year—they haven’t ruled anything out, I’m terrified it’s cancer but insurance issues have ruled out MRI and CT EGD until after Jan 1st. The pain has been pretty bad and there’s a mass in my abdomen. She assured me we would get through this together.

I kept myself together yesterday after a horrific morning. She told me not to ruin Christmas for the kids. I stayed calm and the kids got up and we gave them their presents. I’d given her a bunch of really nice gifts—clothes, some LL Bean boots she wanted, a beautiful topaz and diamond ring, some grab bars for her Jeep, and I got...a pair of dollar store flip flops. We had lunch with family and she left for work, and will be staying at our oldest son’s apartment for now. We haven’t told the kids or family apart from our son since she’s staying there.

I’m gutted. I’m broken. I love my wife, we’ve been together since senior year of high school. We’ve weathered so many difficult times, always together, always supportive. We lost our home in hurricane Katrina, moved up here with a pickup truck and clothes on our backs, and at times lived on WIC and public assistance while I worked a shitty job until my hands hurt so bad I couldn’t hammer a nail or hold an axe to chop wood. We saved our sheckles and bought our dream farm, busted our asses and returned to college in our late thirties/forties, and became nurses. We got jobs at a good hospital, and we love our jobs.

I can’t stop crying. One of our oldest mutual friends—the person who introduced is in 1996– talked to me for four hours last night. I don’t know what to do. I want to fix this, I want to believe that therapy or counseling, SOMETHING can help. I don’t know what to do.  How will this affect our kids? What do I tell them?

I’m having a beer tonight with a friend. Last night I wanted to die. I know it’s awful to say that especially in light of mental health laws, red flags, and firearm ownership concerns. I once joked that if I killed myself id jump off a cliff or hang myself because if I used a gun it would just give anti-gun people an excuse for pushing a anti-gun agenda. Last night I wished for a stroke. Or cancer. I hoped when I finally have my MRI they find me ate the fuck up. When I finally fell asleep I wished I could just pass from a stroke or heart attack...anything because I don’t know what to do, how to fix it, how to tell my kids. My wife texted me and said she hoped we could talk, obviously we have to figure a lot of things out, etc. The friend I talked to tried to help, but she’s 1200 miles away. She’s my wife’s closest friend and she says there’s got to be a way to fix our marriage.

I dint know. I stayed home from work, I’m a wreck today. Trying to hold it together but my 17-year old daughter knows something is wrong. I don’t  want to tell her without both of us here. I can’t stop crying. My wife has always been my rock, my soulmate, my best friend. When she asked for help last year, to go to counseling, to try and work things out, I promised her I’d try everything. Yesterday she said she wasn’t interested in trying.  People might mock me for loving her and yet all this, but I do. The day I met her changed my life. I’ve survived injuries, Illness, fucking hurricanes, poverty and college...

But now I’m heartbroken and I don’t know what to do.

Is she Christian?

@RevolverRO

Brother my heart goes out to you, and I just hate to hear you describe the pain you're in.   Every man has his limits, or breaking point, and it most certainly sounds like you've finally reached yours from the above described situation.  I will say that you have articulated your problem with extreme clarity, and understanding.   Maintaining a clear picture of your problem while you're trying to navigate such a tumultuous period in your life will go a really long way in helping resolve it.

To me your last sentence is what everything before was spelling out quite clearly.  You're suffering from a broken heart.  A true broken heart is about the most painful, depressing, saddening, and emotionally crippling ailment there is to suffer from as a human being.  There is no cure sadly but mother time.  It's one of those things that initially feels like you can't take another breath, then a few week passes and you feel like you can barely walk, and so on until months later you finally have mended your broken heart.

I haven't read your team stuff, but I did look on the first couple of pages for a thread started by you.  That said, it's my strong opinion that you shouldn't be staying with your wife based on the above current situation, and the fact that she cheated on you in the past.   Trust me my friend, just like you went to college and became a RN in your 40s, you can do the exact same thing in regards to finding a true soulmate that will love you, and fill that void in your heart.   I personally would ask her if we can still be best friends, and get amicably divorced where the kids, the farm, etc. doesn't suffer.  Bottom line though imho is that it's over, and it's time for you to get a woman if you so desire that truly loves you, and can be in a happy committed marriage/relationship.  Currently your just putting band aids on a wound that requires stiches, and a doctor.  For your own health, and for your children, you need to be happy, and fulfilled in life.  You have worked all your life successfully to be fulfilled at this point in your life with the job, home, and kids you've wanted.  Just because you have to find another soulmate/partner/wife doesn't mean that all the rest goes out the window.

With your career, and kids you have so much going for you.  I know it feels like all for not, but in time your heart will heal, you'll find new love, and you'll see that your life will fit back together like a puzzle much better when you have removed the wrong piece from it.  The majority of the current pieces like your career, and kids will still be there, and then you'll see that all you were missing the whole time was just one piece, regardless how big you might think that piece is.  No matter how hard you try, you can't make the wrong puzzle piece fit inside a puzzle.

Thanks. I wrote an IM but it exceeded the max number of characters. I’ll write a new one later.

acegunner, log out and log back in.  Then go post in the Team forum.  Merry Christmas Brother!

(Assuming I did it right)....

That's a really great suggestion, and equally great gesture!

Arfcom has saved me tons of money and cost me tons of money.  But, the Team forum and threads like this one are why I hang around.  Let's just say I remember how team helped me in the past.  Just paying it forward.

FWIW, you sir should be the member of the year, just based on the work you have done in this thread.  I like to think I am pretty good at helping people.  I talked a guy who was not a friend of mine, old HS acquaintance/enemy, down off the ledge at 2am years ago.  I now consider him a friend and his mother personally thanked my mother for what I did that night, all I did was listen. That is one of the few things I am proud of  in my life.  I helped save him and he went on to become a credintialed addiction counsleor and has helped many others.

Reading your advice here, you have me beat 10 fold!

I really appreciate those kind words brother!  I'm proud to be part of a community with you, and others in this thread that are so willing to help each other out during tremendously difficult periods of our lives.

Seeing a number of our fellow members make a complete turnaround in life is a real source of inspiration for myself, and I'm sure many others that follow this thread.

Wow. That means more to me than you know..Thank you from the bottom of my (broken) heart. I'm in tears...these are happy ones at least for the moment.  That is so amazing.

I think I posted about it when they started doing their project, but my grandfather on my mom's side 91st birthday was a couple days after turkey day, so my aunts wanted to do a project where we give 3 words to remember him by. They text me about it a couple days after my 91 year old grandma on my dad's side passed, about the time I was sobering up from finding out about it. My grandma just died, I'm in no state of mind to think about dead grandparents, so I thought of 3 random words, and I started telling my wife stories about me and him. I've blocked out a bunch of memories of him because of how bad it was when the hospital killed him, but I have some great memories when I was younger.

My mom's side of the family is the sentimental type that makes sure they send flowers to a funeral of somebody that they barely know. When Granny passed, I didn't even get the obligatory I'm sorry so and so that I don't really care about died. Instead, I had a more important dead grandparent that I have to help them with a project.

So at X-mas I got the book my aunt put together. It had the 3 words I could think of because all I could think of were stories, and everyone else in the family had stories printed in there. You want to talk about a slap in the fucking face.

Ain't that some mendacity?

No worries. This site has given me so much. Felt the need to pass it on. Just keep those happy ones in the forefront...

Hey all. Just wanted to say although 2019 has been the toughest year of my life.
It's also been the best.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thank you all so much for being there along the way.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Although I spent countless nights, days. Secretly and silently hoping to not see a tomorrow.
I can't tell you guys how excited I am for 2020.
.
My only hope is that every year is filled with as many challenges and lessons as were in 2019.
.
Love all you guys.

Awesome to hear!  Keep on keeping on natty!

I've been having some issues because of the holidays, just like I'm sure some other people have, and I just wanted to remind y'all of something.

I grew up surrounded by death. I've seen a rich man's corpse and a poor man's. Someone who spent years being destroyed by a disease and someone who died over a couple days because the hospital fucked up. They all looked the same in the end. And I've seen plenty of the aftermath that leaves on the poor sumbitches that are still stuck here living.

It's changed my perspective on life. I've had my fair share of thoughts about checking out, but dead people can't enjoy anything. Some days you'll just be living for that random bullshit that makes you crack a smile. Sure it seems like nothing will ever get better, but yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. Find something that makes you feel something even if it's a stupid ass youtube video or just a nice word from the dude that works at the gas station.

As bad as life may be, living is better than being dead. Only the living have a shot at enjoying anything.

The worst thing is the feeling of

"I'm sad, I'm a little angry, I see the good, I hate it, I love her, I hate her, I love my life, I hate my life, how the hell am I gonna start over, I can do this, I cant do this"
As soon as I know what to do... I dont know what to do. I being pulled every way and that hurts more than anything...the doubt, then the sadness, then the anger, then the, " I'll keep trying" to F her! That shit is killing me!
I guess that is a sign, but I'm not just quitting. This is tearing me up.

I'm sorry I can't type out everything that goes on.
I'll say this. I married for love and not what someone does and puts it in your face. I get no love. I dont get told what I do good and right, I get told what I nm didnt do or how it should have been done better or faster. Or anything to make me feel small....As i stay home more now and raise our sons. While she "makes more money and I'm at home" she loves to put that in my face. She doesn't care about how I worked my dick in the dirt while she was in school for 7 years.....Its not about ending it that is the main issue, it's not being with my boys everyday. We have made this life together and we have to do it together but she thinks otherwise I guess.

You would have to k ow how she was raised to understand who she has become.  Doesn't matter what I do, itsnot enough. This is where I feel the anger. More later, maybe.

And for the people that say "sack up and leave" while that is now becoming the reality, I dont just quit. Yeah, I should, but it's about my 2 young boys. They are why. And posting here was just the first step of me realizing what I have to do....I think...I know....THIS IS THE PART THAT IS KILLING ME!  I feel I will die of a broken heart....that's an infarction...but its real