Originally Posted By Stutzmech:
Very difficult subject to talk about, when you type it out it seems like whining and then you hit cancel, best way is one day at a time and find close friends or family to talk to, life is hard sometimes and it helps to see that your not the only one suffering and sometimes that puts things in perspective,at least for me

Originally Posted By BornToLooze:

That's what's always been hard for me. I tried talking about it to my mom when I was a teenager and she just threw me in therapy and I wound up so drugged up out of my mind I felt like the only way I could get things back under control was killing myself. The only reason I didn't was because of my parents constant fighting, usually involving me (my dad lived in the real world, but momma's baby's not going to have to work), I felt so goddamned worthless I didn't feel like I was worth ruining someone's day because they had to deal with my corpse.

But somehow my fucked up brain turned all that around. Despite all my self loathing and the fact that no one hates me more than I hate myself, I managed to channel all the rage and self hatred into bettering myself. I got a job (despite my mom's protests so I could be a typical worthless millennial dipshit) that everyone though I was going to fail at because of how lazy my mom made me. One of the best days of my life (besides you know, kids and all that) is when my uncle was telling my boss about how lazy and worthless I was, and my boss told him I was the best person they ever hired. Not only have I worked hard enough where I make $20 an hour doing a minimum wage job, I've gotten our profits high enough where the new people don't even start at minimum wage anymore. And, I've raised 2 kids (despite my mom's chagrin that we live in a trailer) in one of the best school districts in Texas, and as much as the label is thrown around these days, my son is autistic as shit and we still get complements on how well behaved our kids are.

Originally Posted By NathanL:
I'm not on the edge of doing anything drastic you can't come back from to start off. The last 5 years I've had multiple medical problems and now it's pretty clear that is never going to get better, only worse. I'm stuck in a never ending loop mentally having phantom conversations that I can't get out of. With people that I really can't talk to now. I know the common answer is get out and excersice but that's not really an option due to the medical issues. Just kinda stuck, need to snap out of it.

Originally Posted By NathanL:
I'm not on the edge of doing anything drastic you can't come back from to start off. The last 5 years I've had multiple medical problems and now it's pretty clear that is never going to get better, only worse. I'm stuck in a never ending loop mentally having phantom conversations that I can't get out of. With people that I really can't talk to now. I know the common answer is get out and excersice but that's not really an option due to the medical issues. Just kinda stuck, need to snap out of it.

Originally Posted By NathanL:
I'm going to try and get out and at least walk around. I'm in year 5 of a total nightmare. 70+ doctors with lots of diagnoses but none match. So much for 2nd opinions. Even doctors in the same practice/speciality clinic can't agree. Anything involving your immune system attacking your organs I apparently have according to the doctors.

Originally Posted By Stutzmech:

Did you get pet scans or genetic testing yet?

Originally Posted By NathanL:
Yeah I've done test after test after test. MRI's by the dozen. Lumbar punctures. One neurologist diagnosed it as ADEM (similar to MS but happens once in respnse to a virus or infection, I had shingles). The MS doctor says is's a very mild mild case of MS. But the neurologist she's with says nope it doesn't fit. The lumbar puncture was a wash. Apparently ADEM and MS show the same OR if you have had type 1 diabetes for >10 years. I've had it 40. But none of the ADEM or MS symptoms are my main problem. Shortness of breath and high heart rate and my skin feels like it's trying to kill me.

At this point I'm pretty sure I could show up at the ER with 1/2 my arm cut off from a chainsaw and they would say "Oh yeah, common with MS".

At this point 5 years later my MRI comes out normal with nothing new.

Originally Posted By Stutzmech:

I've been averaging 10 angio/ cats a year for 5 years now, lots and lots of repeat tests but every thing turns up clean, they just treat symptoms, I got a whole bunch of stents coils and plugs to fix stuff and it's like a slow slide down, my sense of humor is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes

About a month ago, I almost took my own life...
It was just under a month ago. I couldn't sleep. So I got up to go take a drive at 4:30AM. Next thing I knew, I was in a parking lot with a pistol pressed against my head, and was riding the wall of the trigger break.

This wasn't the first time in the last year. Actually the fourth. But this one was the scariest, because I'm not even sure what exactly brought me to that point. I had just had an amazing week. I didn't set out with suicide in mind.

The next few days were rough. Really rough. I opened up about my suicidal thoughts to a friend who was staying at my place(who had to drag it out of me). The was the first time I had ever told anyone, and I have been dealing with it since I was a kid. She helped me talk to my close family members, which was even tougher. Little did I know that two of them had also been dealing with the same issues, and straight up told me if I did it, they would have too.

After talking to friends and boss, I made the decision to voluntarily admit myself to a Mental Health Clinic. I was there for a little over a week, got some diagnoses, and loaded up with meds. It helped some. Everyone there was dealing with their own issues, but a lot of it was substance abuse and consequent depression because of their circumstances. I couldn't relate to most people, because I'm high functioning, don't really party, don't have any issues with drugs, not in trouble with the law, etc.

I left there incredibly optimistic, and returned back into life. It went well the first day. Second day was a little less so. Third day I was back at ground zero. My thought process was "when you just want to die, but no longer even have the freedom to fantasize about killing yourself." But I worked myself back up. Mainly writing. An insane amount of writing. Started interacting more with people I hadn't seen in a couple weeks. Posted my whole situation on social media(mainly because I knew details were being spread around about it, and wanted it to come from me). I've just been incredibly open about the situation with those around me, and I found help and support in the oddest places. People I never would have expect coming to me crying because they've been through it too, or are actively going through it. People extending a hand or ear. The worst part of my depression was always the loneliness and isolation. I always felt alone with the issue(and shame surrounding it), but I see it a bit different now. There are still some of those looks from people I know who obviously don't understand or know how to talk to me because it makes them uncomfortable, but that is far outweighed by the support.

By far the best decision I made was taking off work for a bit, and taking a spontaneous road trip with a friend. We covered almost 2750 miles in 130 hours, hit two national parks, and overall had a great time. Nature has a really funny way of putting things in perspective. Just got back yesterday, and am already rethinking so many parts of my life. There was already a lot of things changing, but now they are even more. Priorities have completely shifted.

Undoubtably someone reading this is going through it too. Find someone to talk to. It won't solve all your problems, but it will help. I'm pretty sure I will have to deal with these thoughts the rest of my life, but not being shameful of it certainly helps your ability to deal with them. I've still had some really rough patches, even over the last week. I've gotten sucked down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts quite a few times... but I've also had people randomly reach out throughout and help pull me back up. I honestly am not sure if I would have made it to the end of the year had I not opened up about it.

I feel like I'm at step one of a new journey right now, but have a renewed sense of purpose that I have been lacking over the last few years. Just know, there's a lot of people going through it too.

Originally Posted By narphenal:I'd be lying if I said the suicidal thoughts have stopped, or that the desire to just disappear was gone. That being said, I know it is not an option, now. I haven't done anything even close to be considering taking a step towards it, nor will I. There has been a tremendous amount of pain and struggle, and I'm fairly certain a lot of it has to do with exposing myself like I have, but I think overall in the long term it will be the difference that makes the steps I'm taking right now a more permanent change in my life.

“Life doesn’t get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient.”

Originally Posted By Stutzmech:
I'm up and around petty good but I can tell you all about PE,s had 4 I've got like the opposite of hemophilia, I inject heparin daily lots of fun, I think I'm past the depression stage now it's kinda a don't give a damn stage it's kinda liberating some times it's hard for people to take that, and now I've developed new problems with aneurysms developing so that's where the stents come in.  Edit.. I want no one reading this to think I'm making lite of anybody's situation,I'm not.  Personally I've found that there are many others suffering far more than me and for me ,when I get down I think of that

Originally Posted By coltshorty14:
I just lost almost everyone  I love. Now I’m sitting here with my shotgun.

My relationship has been bad for a while now. My fiancé accused me of cheating, which I did not do. She figured out that her mid trust was do to past relationships, and has been working in therapy for help. But she just can’t stop. Tonight she brought up not deleting a woman from my Facebook and I feel that I shouldn’t have had to because nothing has ever happened with this woman. Well I blew up. I just felt pushed one too many times with her attitude. She never asked me to remove her and telling me I dishonored her by not doing it. Ohh fuck, it’s a long story. But. She’s now leaving and I don’t want to loose her or the kids. They are her kids but l love them like they are mine.

Idk what to do. I really just don’t want to be on earth anymore.

Originally Posted By coltshorty14:
I just lost almost everyone  I love. Now I’m sitting here with my shotgun.

My relationship has been bad for a while now. My fiancé accused me of cheating, which I did not do. She figured out that her mid trust was do to past relationships, and has been working in therapy for help. But she just can’t stop. Tonight she brought up not deleting a woman from my Facebook and I feel that I shouldn’t have had to because nothing has ever happened with this woman. Well I blew up. I just felt pushed one too many times with her attitude. She never asked me to remove her and telling me I dishonored her by not doing it. Ohh fuck, it’s a long story. But. She’s now leaving and I don’t want to loose her or the kids. They are her kids but l love them like they are mine.

Idk what to do. I really just don’t want to be on earth anymore.

Originally Posted By coltshorty14:
I just lost almost everyone  I love. Now I’m sitting here with my shotgun.

My relationship has been bad for a while now. My fiancé accused me of cheating, which I did not do. She figured out that her mid trust was do to past relationships, and has been working in therapy for help. But she just can’t stop. Tonight she brought up not deleting a woman from my Facebook and I feel that I shouldn’t have had to because nothing has ever happened with this woman. Well I blew up. I just felt pushed one too many times with her attitude. She never asked me to remove her and telling me I dishonored her by not doing it. Ohh fuck, it’s a long story. But. She’s now leaving and I don’t want to loose her or the kids. They are her kids but l love them like they are mine.

Idk what to do. I really just don’t want to be on earth anymore.

Originally Posted By edb66:
Still in the hospital (since 10/21), still have an infection (proteus vulgaris), getting a new skin graft tomorrow(I`m part shark now!). I'm bored silly, but I still have a foot and a half left. My left foot looks kinda like Tom Dempseys. The docs are trying to kill this bacterium with lots of IV antibiotics, if I have to get trimmed up again, I'll likely lose the foot.

While  you guys are keeping your chins up, knock on wood for me too,  I'll  do the same!

Originally Posted By coltshorty14:
I just lost almost everyone  I love. Now I’m sitting here with my shotgun.

My relationship has been bad for a while now. My fiancé accused me of cheating, which I did not do. She figured out that her mid trust was do to past relationships, and has been working in therapy for help. But she just can’t stop. Tonight she brought up not deleting a woman from my Facebook and I feel that I shouldn’t have had to because nothing has ever happened with this woman. Well I blew up. I just felt pushed one too many times with her attitude. She never asked me to remove her and telling me I dishonored her by not doing it. Ohh fuck, it’s a long story. But. She’s now leaving and I don’t want to loose her or the kids. They are her kids but l love them like they are mine.

Idk what to do. I really just don’t want to be on earth anymore.

Originally Posted By NathanL:
As if all my medical problems weren't enough. Heard from an ex girlfriend from 25 years ago. I know this sounds really odd but she's had a tough time thru the years and we keep in touch and are somewhat close (just friends). She calls and the first thing out of her mouth is "fiance". I'm actually kind of happy for her, for a split second. Pancreatic cancer. I didn't know what to say to that. We talked for about an hour.

Originally Posted By orion251:
Pancreatic cancer is rough.  Lost the love of my life to that vile disease many years ago (I watched her die).  That amazing woman was there for me after my divorce, she will always be my hero as she guided me back onto a constructive path.  Before her I was just going to be a drunk that didn't give a damn.  Debbie is my hero and savior. Even Steve Jobs couldn't spend enough to beat it...  To this day, still glad I met her and had some time with her.

Originally Posted By NathanL:
As if all my medical problems weren't enough. Heard from an ex girlfriend from 25 years ago. I know this sounds really odd but she's had a tough time thru the years and we keep in touch and are somewhat close (just friends). She calls and the first thing out of her mouth is "fiance". I'm actually kind of happy for her, for a split second. Pancreatic cancer. I didn't know what to say to that. We talked for about an hour.

Originally Posted By GreasyEasy:

RIP Debbie.  It sounds like she was an amazing human, and thank God she was there for you in that great time of need.

Thanks for sharing a little bit about her!  Cancer sadly doesn't discriminate against the righteous, and noble people like Debbie, moreover it sometimes seems like it specifically targets them.

Obviously her great deeds on earth still shine through with you, and all the others I'm sure she must have touched along the way.

Originally Posted By GreasyEasy:

Medicine can be truly amazing, and it seems to be evolving at incredible speed.  New treatments, and methods of care are being discovered seemingly all the time these days in the field of cancer, so hopefully your friend will receive the best care possible, and see the other side after beating it.

Originally Posted By edb66:
I'm leaving the hospital today for inpatient physical rehab. I still won't be home for Thanksgiving but I'm  moving in the right direction!

Originally Posted By NathanL:
Of all things an ex of 25 years nailed it dead on yesterday. We've been pretty close on and off for the last 25 years. Nothing sexual just friends. She threw something out I had never heard of. I'm not really into a lot of the physco babble. What she told me to look up was pretty spot on. She's going thru a really tough time as mentioned above and I managed to make it worse.

Avoidant attachment. Imagine that. 48 year old that's never been married. I thought how lucky and smart I was to get into a field where I worked alone, with almost zero human interaction. Seems she pretty much nailed it. Have to sit down and read thru the list, but so far it's been pretty spot on. I used to call it my run and hide and keep moving. I was living the life, no need to work with anyone, I didn't date much, I live so far out if I heard someone drive down the road they were coming to see me. Imagine that. I used to call it my "I just hate all people" syndrome. Why do I need others? Sex? OK. Other than that? I built my own house because I don't trust anyone. I trust next to no one, except the person that pointed all this out or at least got me looking in the right direction. And it damn near killed me. MS from not dealing with stress, drug incuded lupus from some of the medication they gave me to fight the MS.

I'm walking, talking, living example of what the fuck not to do.
Run and hide. Didn't like school, drop out. Went to college to get a degree that would allow me a job away from anyone. Drop out, run and hide. Got job that allowed me to work remotely with zero interaction, and it paid extremely well especially with a GED. Worked way up to VP of engineering. Didn't help in the damn least. Now my skin is trying to kill me, I'm a genius. Not really.

Worked fantastic right up until the point it didn't work at all.

Originally Posted By NathanL:
Of all things an ex of 25 years nailed it dead on yesterday. We've been pretty close on and off for the last 25 years. Nothing sexual just friends. She threw something out I had never heard of. I'm not really into a lot of the physco babble. What she told me to look up was pretty spot on. She's going thru a really tough time as mentioned above and I managed to make it worse.

Avoidant attachment. Imagine that. 48 year old that's never been married. I thought how lucky and smart I was to get into a field where I worked alone, with almost zero human interaction. Seems she pretty much nailed it. Have to sit down and read thru the list, but so far it's been pretty spot on. I used to call it my run and hide and keep moving. I was living the life, no need to work with anyone, I didn't date much, I live so far out if I heard someone drive down the road they were coming to see me. Imagine that. I used to call it my "I just hate all people" syndrome. Why do I need others? Sex? OK. Other than that? I built my own house because I don't trust anyone. I trust next to no one, except the person that pointed all this out or at least got me looking in the right direction. And it damn near killed me. MS from not dealing with stress, drug incuded lupus from some of the medication they gave me to fight the MS.

I'm walking, talking, living example of what the fuck not to do.
Run and hide. Didn't like school, drop out. Went to college to get a degree that would allow me a job away from anyone. Drop out, run and hide. Got job that allowed me to work remotely with zero interaction, and it paid extremely well especially with a GED. Worked way up to VP of engineering. Didn't help in the damn least. Now my skin is trying to kill me, I'm a genius. Not really.

Worked fantastic right up until the point it didn't work at all.

Originally Posted By GreasyEasy:
@WildBoar

I tried to send you a PM, but your inbox was full.  My ear is open if you ever need to talk.

Originally Posted By MILSPEC556:

I really get the (strong) feeling that what you need is to spend time with others. I am also a hermit in so many ways and always have been. I feel like I just want to be by myself.

But something I recently realized is  people are what mean EVERYTHING in this world. You can have all the material shit in the world and you still cannot/will not be truly happy. Need to work your way into spending time with people. It will be uncomfortable as fuck at first. But its what you need to do to start to process of becoming happy.

Originally Posted By Clown_Gun:

Heart attack.

No avoiding bankruptcy now. Cheaper to die and be done with it.

Originally Posted By CarmelBytheSea:
When I was a kid I heard this in Telethon. For some reason it always stuck in my head even after forgetting a lot of other stuff https://www.AR15.Com/media/mediaFiles/459941/5CC73EA0-B49C-4F34-AF94-81BD4BF8B325_png-1184154.JPG