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Chuck Norris has an ongoing feud with the Keebler elves. It started when they stole his idea for putting a kitchen in a tree. While the elves now make subpar cookies in the tree, Chuck's tree contains a fully functioning crystal meth lab. Chuck Norris once ripped a man apart for calling his penis enormous. Everybody knows Chuck Norris' penis is gargantuan beyond mortal comprehension. Chuck Norris attends Spring Break every year because where there's drinking, there's fighting, where there's fighting, there's kicking, and where there's kicking, there's Chuck. On Chuck Norris's 16th birthday, his father bought him a prostitute. He gave her a round-house kick to the head after she refused to go a 21st time. Before Chuck Norris shoots a scene for "Walker, Texas Ranger", he eats two bowls of Cheerios garnished with Cocaine. Chuck Norris hasn't set foot in his backyard since 1985. When asked to explain this fact, he simply said, "Some wounds go too deep." Chuck Norris once flatulated so hard that, for a whole hour, the earth's spun on an opposite axis. Tens of thousands of people perished. Chuck Norris won't allow his children to be taught evolution at school. This wouldn't be a big deal, but he fathered 70% of people in the southern United States. Wolverine from the X-men is based entirely on Chuck Norris and was originally called "Chuck Norris" instead. When Chuck Norris threatened to sue for the use of his likeness, they cut off his beard, gave him a queer hair cut, and called him Wolverine. This allowed them to keep the parts that are true, like the ability to heal, the claws, and the adamantium skeleton. Chuck Norris can kill a dog in 7 ways, 4 of which involve throwing missiles at it. |
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Around the year 1956 in Texas, Chuck Norris ate so much steak that it immediately caused world hunger. He then staged a great cattle drive across the nation in order to supply the Texas steakhouse with enough beef for his next meal. Because of his love for the environment, Chuck Norris doesn't run his vehicles on fossil fuels, but instead heats live cats to 600 degrees Fahrenheit, then uses the remains as a potent bio-fuel. Norris claims he averages 40 miles to a cat. You know sometimes you feel kinda depressed but you don't know why? That's because Chuck Norris is asleep. Chuck Norris wrote the majority of the lyrics to "Purple Rain". The first rule of Chuck Norris is, you do not talk about Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee, who was in turn trained by a time traveling Chuck Norris thus completing the circle. If you ever meet Chuck Norris, he may flaunt the fact that he is "fluent in over 6 million forms of communication". Be wary though, as most of these are either a punch to the face, or a kick to the groin. Chuck Norris once headbutted all five Baldwin brothers simultaneously. They then promptly apologized for saying "kung fu is for kung fags," and bought Norris a $200 gift certficiate to T.G.I. Friday's. Norris has yet to use the gift card. Chuck Norris bleeds gasoline. He hasn't bled much lately, and that's why there's a gas crisis. The name Chuck Norris means "Man With Pretty Beard" in French. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and he roasted in the sun creating the first fried egg. |
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Chuck Norris is actually Kaiser Soze. If you tell Chuck Norris, "You are MONEY, baby," he will respond by roundhouse kicking your teeth in. Too bad no one told Vince Vaugh that before Chuck filmed his cameo in "Dodgeball". Poor bastard. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man's face through the back of his own skull, and Chuck was so sneaky about it the man did not notice for 3 days. Every time a bell rings, Chuck Norris sprouts wings. If you call him "Chuckster" to his face, Chuck Norris will end you. Coincedentily, he will do the same if you pass by him on his right side. Chuck Norris wears glasses that make everyone look Asian. This is why he kicks so many people in the face. Recently historians discovered an additional book of the bible, there is now Mark, Mathew, Luke, John, and Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris sh*ts huge diamonds, and gold nuggets on some occasions. Chuck Norris said that if you don't believe in love, you'll believe a punch to the throat and a roundhouse kick to the face. Chuck Norris counts backwards to sleep in Roman numerals. There are some things in the world money can't buy. For everything else, there's Chuck Norris. |
Thanks for ruining my month. |
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Many people think the Mexican Army under General Santa Ana defeated the Texans at the Alamo. The real story is that Jim Bowie and friends finished off Chuck Norris's bag of pretzels. Chuck Norris once caught a leprachaun. If you disagree with Chuck Norris, he'll karate chop you in to a bajillion pieces. He is aware that this is not a number, but if you call him on it, he'll roundhouse kick you in to a quabillion. Chuck Norris can sh*t bricks of gold or small children of any race. The only thing stronger than kevlar are vests woven out of Chuck Norris' chest hair. The character Quagmire from Family Guy is based on Chuck Norris, the only difference being that Chuck Norris slept with as many women as Quagmire as between 3:51 am and 11:49 am on April 26, 1992. The only reason he stopped was to go help Sublime write a new song. The only man to defeat a unicorn in hand to hoof and horn combat was Chuck Norris. In WWII, Einstien and his colleague Chuck Norris were called upon to develop a weapon capable of mass destruction. They created two. One was the atom bomb. The other, the roundhouse kick. Sending Chuck Norris in to roundhouse kick everyone was much more enviromentally friendly, but in the end the government decided to use the atom bomb. When asked why, an official was quoted saying, "Our goal is to hurt Japan, not decimate it." Hearing this comment, Chuck Norris proceeded to call the official a "pussy", and roundhouse kicked him into a new millenium. This official is known as Al Gore. Chuck Norris enjoys spending his free time contemplating whether or not his life would've been better had he been born as a breakdancing midget with the ability to talk to mimes without making fun of them. Chuck Norris once made a movie using only the line, "I'm Chuck F*cking Norris" repeated hundreds of times. This movie never made it to the public because Vin Diesel was extremely jealous that Chuck Norris was the first one to come up with the idea of a movie involving street racing in the import scene. Vin destroyed all the movie footage, copyrighted the phrase "I'm Chuck F*cking Norris" and made The Fast and the Furious. In return Chuck Norris cast a spell on Vin Diesel that would make all his movies suck. Chuck Norris once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road. Chuck Norris once gave a roundhouse kick to a round house. Needless to say, it's not round anymore. |
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Chuck Norris started the Arbys fast food chain. This was the only way to deal with his ravenous roast beef sandwich cravings. Chuck Norris has never trusted Klingons. And he never will. He cannot forgive them for the death of his boy. Chuck Norris can remotely impregnate women. Chuck Norris appeared in an uncredited role in the film Bambi. He was the hunter who killed Bambi's mom. He originally wanted to kill her with a roundhouse kick to the face, but the director changed it to a gunshot, and Chuck refused to have his name associated with the movie. Thus losing his best shot at an Oscar. Chuck Norris doesn't like Jared from Subway. He was quoted as saying, "I can't respect anyone that eats sandwiches to lose weight. Jared is a bitch." Two weeks before Christmas, Chuck Norris took his family out to a Christmas tree farm. When they all found the "perfect tree", his son gave him a saw. Chuck laughed, threw the saw down and roundhouse kicked the tree over. On January 20, 1985, Chuck Norris recieved a grade of 63% on a spelling test. This lack lustre performance drove Chuck Norris into a fit of rage, and a bout with depression laced with latent homosexual tendencies. Some three and a half months later, May 7, 1985 to be exact, after another night of binge drinking and hooker killing, Chuck Norris copulated into a vending machine, and pressed G5. The end result was the prototype for the Speak 'n Spell. Norris later hired Satan to be the voice of the popular children's toy. Chuck Norris built a house out of his turds. Incidentally that house is the only one to survive the tsunami. The original title for Star Wars was Skywalker:Texas Ranger starring Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has slept with 347 women; yet only 2 have lived to tell about it. Needless to say, it was the best sex of their lives. The follicles in Chuck Norris's beard contain the active ingredient for defeating bad breath, ring-around-the-collar, and male pattern baldness. Rumour has it you can get some on the black market from a man covered in kung-fu-related bruising. A two-ounce bag costs enough to fund a small Latin American dictatorship for three months, and don't think for a second that this isn't really going on. Chuck Norris has a Leatherman attatched to his belt as all times. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Yoda was once "6,4", black, and talked normal, he then made the mistake of saying Chuck Norris sucks. |
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Chuck Norris' penis has a toe nail. The highest degree of Masonry is Chuck Norris. The only thing that can defeat Chuck Norris is his right testicle, so he had it removed and implanted in Arnold Schwarzenegger's brain. When he saw Total Recal, he wept. Chuck Norris can fit 5 billiard balls in his mouth. In order to save the world from an impending volcanic eruption Chuck Norris stuck his massive beard into the crater, preventing the eruption and saving, among others, Boy Scout Troop #52, which he savagly raped in celebration. Chuck Norris had the head-gear braces when he was 13. Tired of being made fun of by the retarted kids, at 14, he roundhouse kicked the head-gear off and roundhouse kicked his teeth into place. Chuck Norris' teeth are now the base for all teeth transplants. Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high five. Not to be outdone by the popularity of Marky Mark's third nipple, Chuck Norris willed into creation a magical teat located just to the right of his belly button that generates a stream of crude oil whenever Chuck hears the song "Good Vibrations". The phrase "10 foot tall and bulletproof" was inspired by Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris is, in fact, 3 1/3 yards tall, and impervious to lead projectiles. Chuck Norris once bent the space-time continuum with a swift roundhouse kick to John Kerry's chin. Chuck Norris' incredible dance moves were the inspiration for the popular scene from Napoleon Dynamite. A copyright infringement suit was reccommended, but Chuck decided to just kill Jon Heder. Chuck Norris invented air. Jimi Hendrix didn't actually die of an overdose, but killed himself when he found out that Chuck Norris planned to show him up with a 53-hour guitar solo. |
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Chuck Norris invented time zones in order to more efficiently schedule world wide ass kickings. When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned. In Chuck's earlier years he was able to not only do a roundhouse kick but he could do it with his legs tied to his hands and an asian glued to his chest. Despite his rugged exterior, Chuck Norris believes that beauty is on the inside, which is why he keeps a camara in his colon 24 hours a day. Chuck Norris isn't in the forest. He IS the forest. If it weren't for Chuck Norris, the New Coke recipe would have stayed. Chuck Norris didn't like the Fantastic Four, but he thought Jessica Alba looked pretty hot in it. Chuck Norris can charge a cellular phone just by rubbing it against his beard. Chuck Norris loves to throw dinner parties for close friends and family. Chuck Norris has a polar bear chained up in his back yard for just this kind of occasion. The Solar System is actually Chuck Norris playing Vin Diesel at marbles. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't, the Holocaust happened. |
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Much like the porcupine, Chuck Norris floats in water. Also much like the porcupine, Chuck Norris?s facial hair can stiffen into needles, but he finds it difficult to comb his beard that way, and thus abstains from it. Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley are members of a crimefighting trio that has covertly averted global destruction several times. The third member is shrouded in mystery, but his code name, learned from Al Queda chatter, is "Total Jim". Every new U.S. currency has a watermark of Chuck Norris' face in the background. Knowing that Chuck is always watching, counterfeiting ceases to exist. Chuck Noris' famous slowmo rounndhouse kick isn't actually slow mition at all. Due to his amazing muscle control developed throughdaily kagel excercises, Chuck Noris can litterally squeeze air with his butt muscles, thus suspending him on a jet stream of air. The fact that his opponents and surroundings all seem to be in slow motion as well is merely a mirage formed by the vapour trail. Chuck Norris' pubes are made of silk. As part of his greatest gift to mankind, Chuck Norris is currently in the process of writing "Hammer Time!" under every stop sign in the universe. |
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When asked his opinion about the war in Iraq, Chuck Norris said "Those Iraqis are lucky we got an army, cause if we didn't I would be forced go to over and beat the tar out of every individual within my perimeter". He then roundhoused the reporter and walked off in anger. Chuck Norris had to go back in time and sleep with his own mother. Why? Because only the seed of Chuck Norris was able to make someone as perfect as Chuck Norris. On a side note Chuck Norris has webbed feet. It is well known that Chuck Norris weightlifts a lot, but it is not well known that he refuses to weightlift unless he is skydiving from 45,000 feet, without a parachute. Whever Chuck Norris has an orgasm, a building explodes. ` Ever wonder how bacon was created? Chuck Norris karate chopped a pig so many times so all that was left were thin strips of meat. He then cooked them with his fire breathing ability and bacon was invented. His beard suggested the name. Chuck Norris can catch the Gingerbread Man. The sound of Chuck Norris scratching his beard makes angels weep. Chuck Norris does not shave. Instead he just lights his beard on fire. Once the fire is out he roundhouse kicks his dog in the head. Chuck Norris sweats baking soda. Not only is Chuck Norris my Daddy, but he's yours too. In the 70's Chuck Norris stopped a spree of robberies in New York city by kicking the bandit into space. Chuck Norris built the equator to get a leg up on China's "Great Wall." In Texas the new death penalty is a roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he was abandoned to be raised by wolves. Instead he ate the wolves on sight at grew his first beard. Chuck Norris held the world record for fastest sh*t--3.27 seconds--for 11 years, but that record was broken in 1979 by football legend Joe Namath with an incredible time of 2 seconds flat. Norris has never tried to reclaim his old record, and many speculate that after so many pelvis dislocations and rectal prolapses, Chuck's days of speed sh*tting may be behind him. |
This site deserves a thread of its own. |
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The second rule of Chuck Norris is, you do not talk about Chuck Norris. If you meet Chuck Norris for the first time, you have to fight him. Chuck Norris is the Fifth Beatles. Chuck Norris gave Freddie Mercury AIDS, because he thought Queen was becoming too commercial. Chuck Norris invented Hello Kitty, and sold it to a Japanese company for 25% of Japanese female population. CIA scientists in a top secret experiment extracted evil gene from Chuck Norris and created Osama bin Laden. It's a little know fact that Chuck Norris likes fondue, and he will roundhouse kick you in the head if you call him gay. Chuck Norris is the tallest midget in the world. The only way to destroy Chuck Norris is with another Chuck Norris. |
that was a movie. Chuck was trying to make Bruce Lee look good. Although we all knew Lee had no chance. When Lee denied that Chuck would kill him he was killed. His son didn't fare so well either
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Chuck Norris likes monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. Chuck Norris thought that to be odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. He decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Chuck Norris bought 200 of them. Chuck Norris like monkeys. Chuck Norris took his 200 monkeys home. Chuck Norris has a big car. Chuck Norris let one drive. Hisname was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. Chuck Norris laughed. Then they punched Chuck Norris's genitals. Chuck Norris stopped laughing. Chuck Norris herded them into his room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. Two hours later, Chuck Norris found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. Chuck Norris didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over his room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from his bookcase. It looked like Chuck Norris had 200 throw rugs. Chuck Norris tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then Chuck Norris had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. Chuck Norris tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. Chuck Norris had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and Chuck Norris didn't want to call the plumber. He was embarrassed. Chuck Norris tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so Chuck Norris had to change them every 30 seconds. Chuck Norris also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad. Chuck Norris tried burning them. Little did Chuck Norris know, his bed was flammable. He had to extinguish the fire. Then Chuck Norris had one dead, wet monkey in his toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in his freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on his bed. The odor wasn't improving. Chuck Norris became agitated at his inability to dispose of his monkeys and to use the bathroom. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one of his monkeys. Chuck Norris felt better. Chuck Norris tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. Chuck Norris told him that he had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. Chuck Norris didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. Chuck Norris finally arrived at a solution. Chuck Norris gave them out as Christmas gifts. His friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but Chuck Norris could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So he punched them in the genitals. Chuck Norris like monkeys. |
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Continental Drift is caused by the Earth trying to make room for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesnt need a coat during winter. He doesnt shave his beard for two monthes before october every year. By then his entire body is a walking beard that can roundhouse you. Chuck Norris once sunk a pirate ship out of spite. It is commonly known that Eve was created from the rib of Adam, but few know that Chuck Norris was actually created using Adam's genitals. Chuck Norris once had to fight off 100 zombie ninjas with a broken dinner plate and his mighty pecs. Chuck Norris invented the internet, but that pussy Al Gore tried to take credit. Chuck Norris exacted his revenge by roundhouse kicking every hanging chad in Florida until George Bush won the election. Parts 6 - 10 of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" are all about Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris declared war on the color orange. And won. Chuck Norris can play "Eruption" by Van Halen with his ass hairs. Chuck Norris eats fire and then poops out pure gold. Muhammed Ali used to say, "I am the greatest." Then he met Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris created the hole in the ozone layer, "to get a better look at the sun." Every single person who has ever quoted "Napolean Dynamite" is now on Chuck Norris' list. Chuck Norris hates that f*cking movie. Someone once approached Chuck Norris suggesting that rearranging the letters in his name reveals the message "I churn corks". He then brutally murdered them saying "They knew too much". |
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Chuck Norris was the original treasure in National Treasure. Congress is in the process of passing a bill to clone Chuck Norris for military purposes. They want his genes, particularly because Chuck Norris' eyes offer nightvision and 3x zoom capabilities. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever win every hand of poker he ever played. After winning 23 straight World Series of Poker main events, he shook the dealers hand, roundhoused kicked him in face and retired with over 35 million dollars. One time Chuck Norris was lost in the hot desert. He managed to survive by using his ability to call the vultures to bring him food from the nearby markets. Chuck Norris ejaculates C-4 explosives and uses his manly emissions to eliminate inner city pre-schools. Chuck Norris choked the writer of 'Sidekicks' to death. Chuck Norris once said, "There's a snake in my boot." The result was Toy Story 1 and 2. Chuck Norris had seven children. Four of them went on to become doctors. The other three were delicious. Chuck Norris really has no beard, but rather uses adamantium whiskers that jolt out as a defense mechanism destroying all objects in a 2 mile radius. when asked if this hurts, he replies, "Every time." Chuck Norris does not know what Willis is "talkin' bout". He does however know how much he wants to roundhouse Gary Colmen in the face. Intelligent Design is in fact true. However, it was not God, but Chuck Norris who created life on earth. He has yet to speak out against Darwin's Theory of Evolution because he prefers not to brag. Few people know that Chuck Norris is fueled creatively by his massive hatred of immigrants. Contrary to popular belief, there was never an atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima. The blast was actually the result of Chuck Norris being told that fortune cookies are Chinese, not Japanese. Chuck Norris was one of many strangers David Blaine came up to and asked "Hi, do you have a minute." Chuck Norris thought this was an attempt to get him alone and kicked the sh*t out of David Blaine and stole his deck of cards after. The story of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, is based on the true story of Chuck Norris and his throbing penis. Chuck Norris is still really angry about the whole "Macarena" dance craze thing. He will roundhouse kick anybody he sees doing the dance. It takes a big man to cry,but it takes Chuck Norris to laugh at him. |
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Chuck Norris is capable of flawlessly executing complex martial arts routines after seeing them once, yet he cannot even spell his own name. Chuck Norris sits when he pees. Chuck Norris once challenged Troy Aikman for his superbowl ring. Chuck Norris once played a game of strip poker with Loki. Loki, however, cheated and won, leaving Chuck standing naked before him, which caused the god to lust after his outstanding body figure. Chuck then said, "I see that twinkle in your eyes," and kicked Loki in the nuts. Unlike most of the civilized world, Chuck Norris will actually recieve 73 green-eyed virgins when he dies. The original lawn gnome was modeled after Chuck Norris. Had the priests in "The Exorcist" just said, "The power of Chuck Norris compels you" instead of "The power of Christ compels you," the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long. Chuck Norris had a dream, but then he woke up. The resulting murderous spree was portrayed in the hit film Independence Day. Chuck Norris is responsible for the extinction of dinasaurs. While still in the mood of playing God, Chuck also decided to create dolphins, which represent Chuck if he was unable to walk. One night Chuck Norris while was eating a taco that he got when Taco Bell paid their daily respects to him, a man named "Thomas the Hobo" ran up and stole Chuck's taco. Chuck Norris was so angry he screamed into the sky for 8 days and 8 nights. This period of time is now celebrated as "Chanukah" by Jewish people. Chuck Norris made it to the finals of the World's Softest Punch Contest, and lost. The man who should have won is dead. If not for Chuck Norris, we would still be in a group of feuding but allied city-states. Chuck Norris is currently working for Milf hunter. Watch out Moms. |
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Chuck Norris eats babies and shits Delta Force team members. Chuck Norris once had sex with the Queen of England. When she asked him to cuddle, he roundhouse kicked her in the ovary and then bit off her leg - just to prove a point. Chuck Norris does not cuddle, because Chuck Norris is not a pussy. Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously. Chuck Norris' beard is actually composed of all 118 elements of the periodic table. In Chuck's homeland, a roundhouse kick to the face is equivalent to a handshake. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man into next week. He then roundhouse kicked himself into next week, so he could roundhouse the man another week forward. Chuck Norris once karate chopped a man so hard, that he vaporized said man into wood carvings of Dennis Rodman. Chuck Norris put Terry Shiavo in her coma for giving him a funny look. Unfortunately, his solution didn't stop the funny looks. Chuck Norris knows what you've been saying about him and he is not happy. An unhappy Chuck Norris is an angry Chuck Norris. You have been warned. Not many people know this but, Walker - Texas Ranger is actually a hidden camera show on Chuck Norris's life. Chuck Norris was voted "Most likely to save a POW using a mule kick" by his senior class. At 3:37pm every day, Tokyo has a one minute seven second silence to honour Chuck Norris. One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris killed the counselor and taught his fellow children to play the way Chuck taught himself to play. These children became the members of Led Zeppelin. Chuck Norris thinks Curt Schilling is a pussy and should shut his mouth about his bloody sock. Says Norris in next week's SI: "I once took out a whole gang of bank robbers with two bloody ankles, but since I wear cowboy boots, nobody saw them." Making a big mistake, Tom Verducci yawned during the interview, and was immediately roundhouse kicked in the face. The only thing on Chuck Norris' mind ever is revenge. Cyberdyne Systems Corporation recently sent Chuck Norris to kill John Connor. Chuck Norris can skeletonize a cow in eleven seconds. With his elbow. |