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Chuck Norris stole your bike. Chuck Norris is the creative inspiration behind Adult Swim's "Aqua Teen Hunger Force". Chuck Norris said that if you don't believe in love, you'll believe a punch to the throat and a roundhouse kick to the face. Chuck Norris can't stand it when customers do not Read The Manual! Time stops for no man, but it does for Chuck Norris when he meditates, or takes a dump. Chuck Norris masturbates to the sound of kittens crying. The dish tried to run away with the spoon, but Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it. Everytime you litter, Chuck Norris cries, then he'll roundhouse kick your grandma. Chuck Norris is the reason why bad things happen to good people. Chuck Norris thinks bathrooms are a waste of time. He'd rather sh*t all over the floor and get it over with. One of Chuck Norris' more impressive moves is his ability to do a backflip, roundhouse kick, and simultaneously de-pants himself. The amount of tail he's won by this trick is staggering. |
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Chuck Norris just busted into my house and sucked all the chocolate off of the chocolate covered peanuts. He then spit them back into the jar. When my 85 year old widow neighbor said that was rude, he spit in her eye, punched her in the gut, and then roundhouse kicked her in the jaw. Her funeral is next week. |
Chuck Norris was sitting in a bar. Steven Seagal walks in with and alligator. The bartender tells Seagal that he can't bring the alligator in the bar. Seagal replies that it is a special alligator. Bartender asks how so? Seagal replies"this is a dick sucking alligator". Bartender replies "Bullshit!" Seagal then procedes to order a beer,down it, bust the bottle over the alligators head and whip his dick out and the alligator sucks away. Seagal then asks" Does anyone else want to try it?" Norris jumps up and says" Yeah, but just don't hit me in the head with the bottle!".
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um.......... so i guess you won't be around much anymore huh? I hope chuck kills you fast. Best of luck to you |
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Chuck Norris died for your sins. He then ressurrected himself and defeated the entire Roman Army with a roundhouse kick to the solar plexus, all of 'em. There is an uneasy truce between Chuck Norris and Ted Nugent. They did this for the sake of mankind. Some what recently, they had a minor disagreement which resulted in the San Fransisco earthquake. They both viewed the resulting destruction and agreed never to fight again, unless it was in another dimension. The NOLA Hurricane Katrina was the result of Chuck yelling for Ted to shut the door and not let out all the damn A/C. I you kill Chuck Norris, you become him. |
Vietnam was just their training grounds, they didn't achieve total kick-assness until the 80's then they were unleashed to avenge Vietnam, on Russia, drug-dealers, ninja's and 2-bit third world dictators. Which they did beyond expectations, why do you think Russia and the Eastern Block collapsed? Because they sent these Manimals in and they tore the friggin' place apart. Russia is still limping today because of these guys. Seen many ninja's lately? Right, Chuch and Seagal made them extinct. Rambo is currently single-handily kicking the Chinese out of Tibet and building the largest Shiolin Temple in the Himlayans. Chuck Norris was supposed to be in Miami Vice but he was too busy kicking Russia's ass in Afganistan. Chuck Norris has a twin, the left over genes that got their asses kicked by his badass genes, that twin is Danny Bonaduche. |
Three bad guys ride up to chuck on their horses at the train station in a guise to pick him up but have actually been sent to pump him full of lead.Chuck asks were his horse is and the leader of the gunslingers informs chuck they are a horse short[laughs all around].Chuck then cooly informs the three they have brought two horses too many.Chuck, you are such a bad boy.
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Vicente Fox promotes the mexicans to deliver and sell drugs in America. Chuck got pissed. Chuck finger punched his way into mexico. When he saw Vicente, Chuck flipper kicked him into a seisure. When Vicentes wife came in he tombstone piledrived her and her two-month old baby. Chuck states that you know what happens when you spare the rod. |
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While fixing a leaky sink in his house, Chuck Norris reached into his tool box and pulled out an aircraft carrier by mistake and shot off it's giant guns and woke up his pet "Sammy" who happened to be Godzilla. Sammy wents crazy and bit Chuck in the balls, so Chuck turned that lizard into a toilet and pooped all over him. Chuck doesn't talk about this much. The Space shuttle runs on a single ounce of 'roundhouse'. |
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Chuck Norris doesn't actually have a beard. What we perceive as a sexy and rugged man-beard is actually just Chuck Norris' skin. Legend has it that if Chuck Norris actually grew a beard, every woman in the world would simultaneously orgasm, thus destroying the Earth. Chuck Norris only wears shirts that are made in Bangladesh, by children slaves. Chuck Norris has been banned from all future marathon completion. The force of his balls bouncing off the 26 mile course created pot holes so large, other participants in his wake were injured and maimed... city streets had to be shutdown |
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Funny-funny stuff! As a teen, I was driving with a friend of my dad's (and mine as he whupped me in raquetball before school each morning). The friend had lived in Torrance, CA and was a firefighter and worked in a karate school in the 60's. He moved North to my small town years later. Anyhoo, as we're driving along he said he wanted to make a stop to see somebody he hadn't seen in awhile. The person we stopped was an elderly lady. Her son Wieland and my friend ran the karate school many years before in LA until Wieland went to Vietnam where he was killed. Yup...I met Chuck Norris' mom! (Wieland was Chuck's brother). She had photos all over of her three boys. I don't know if that adds to my Bacon-Number or anything, but I find this thread hilarious! |
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Chuck Norris is real american badass. Chuck Norris will snap your neck like a pecil if you ask for his autogragh. Chuck Norris will snap your neck like a pencil if he catches you looking at his woman. Chuck Norris will round house you in the chops if you cut in front of him at the academy awards. Chuck Norris will snap kick you in the balls if you he finds out you sent back exercise equiptment that he has promoted. Chuck Norris will put you in a headlock through your car window that he just kicked out if you honk at him at a red light that turned green because he is setting there having flashbacks from ''Bradock Missing in action III''. Chuck Norris will drown you in a urinal at a honkytonk if you are standing next to him taking a leak and ask him,''Hey your Chuck Norris aren't you'' and then look over at his pecker without permission. |
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- Chuck Norris is the one who got your sister pregnant - and your dog - Chuck Norris has +3 resistance against fire and teleportation spell - Chuck Norris has DuPont non-stick Teflon coating - Chuck Norris and John the Baptist were frat brothers - Chuck Norris can cause a woman to ovulate by spitting on her, even if she's 80 years old. - No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Oprah in the same place at the same time. - Chuck Norris glows in the dark, but only when no one's around. |
I thought there were supposed to be 4 of them. |
don't forget Vin Diesel |
HRm... i figured he may be in on it.. well him or steven segal |
Those three killed the 4th horseman because they thought he was a sissy! |
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I 'm sorry , I had to share this one. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a horn in his pick-up truck. Instead he channels all his roadrage in one gigantic roar of pure manhood. The roar is so powerful that it makes all the other vehicles implode instantly, killing everybody sitting inside them. He then roundhouse kicks his way out of his imploded truck. |
Please. Chuck Norris may be a modern warrior with powers on par with gods of Greek and Norse Mythology, but some things are just too ridiculous to conceive. Shrike ........................ betcha still believe in the tooth fairy too. |
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Chuck Norris sang the opening theme song for Walker Texas Ranger (true). There were no survivors. Chuck Norris likes to bumpfire. But only in the privacy of his own home. Chuck Norris don't think stuff's funny. Chuck Norris was born from his mother's womb carrying matching Uzi's in a leather shoulder harness rig. They were later feature in Invasion USA. Chuck Norris was Luke's Father. hippie.gif |
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Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he pounds his whiskers in with a mallet and bites them off on the inside Chuck Norris once caused thirty women to climax merely by entering the room Evil villains have had to revise the "dramatic kung-fu battle at the end of the movie" strategy as a result of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick of doom The only person to ever defeat Chuck Norris in hand-to-hand combat is Mister Miyagi. Chuck Norris once bench-pressed Optimus Prime as part of a bet. He won and Roddy Piper had to star in the travesty known as Hell Comes to Frog Town, ruining his acting career for all of eternity. Chuck Norris once pulled Dom DeLoise's finger. Chuck Norris built a device that allows you to transport yourself into any movie or television show you like, just so he could roundhouse kick Yoda in the head for his horrible sentence structure. Unfortunately, he ended up in an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air by mistake and replaced Carlton for an entire scene. Chuck Norris not only has caught a bullet in his teeth, he taught the technique to a young marine on his way to Iraq and thus saved his life from a 9mm bullet. Chuck Norris knows where Jimmy Hoffa, Amelia Earhart, and Elvis Presley are. They all head over to the Loch Ness monster's place to play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris consumes massive quantities of alcohol every night while bitterly telling everyone in earshot that he should have copy-written his idea for Lost and not told anyone about it at that studio executive party. Chuck Norris once traveled to Valhalla to challenge Thor to hand-to-hand combat, only to be bitterly disappointed to discover that he was a myth. Since he'd gone to all the trouble of traveling to Valhalla in the first place, he proceeeded to roundhouse kick everyone in the head and steal their eternal supply of mead before leaving. Chuck Norris broke the dam. It is not true that Chuck Norris secretly impregnated Mary, causing the birth of Jesus Christ. He is responsible for Jesus' brother Hank the Kickboxing Saint, however. Chuck Norris once built homes for charity using his forehead instead of a hammer and karate chops instead of a saw. Chuck Norris once got a boil on his ass and lanced in, resulting in the birth of Ted Kennedy. Chuck Norris weeps for his part in this. |
Who is the owner of those guns wow! |
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