I'll read all 4 pages later. Here are some things I have learned.



¹    Flatulence will burn a hole through whitie-tighties when ignited



²     Burning hair smells horrible



³    Burning ass hair smells much worse

I had never seen a blue flame before and did not believe they actually worked.  I had this college roommate who was always trying to convince me it would work.  He would never volunteer to demonstrate but was telling me it was real.

Finally he realized until I saw it I was going to keep calling BS.  He made me promise that if he did it,  I would get him some football shirts.  

I agreed.  So one day we're in the dorm getting ready to hit the shower after we had an intramural basketball game.  He has a towel around his waist and he gets this "OMG I HAVE A HUGE FART READY" look on his face.  He yells " oh man I got a blue flame!  Get a lighter!  Get a lighter!"

This mad scramble for a lighter ensues all the while he's standing there trying to hold this huge fart in.

We finally find a lighter and hand it off to my roommate. He squats down and reaches under his butt.  Someone yells "I. can't see the flame cause of the towel!"

So the roommate flips around,  yanks the towel and squats down over the now lit lighter.  I should probably point out a couple of facts at this point:  first,  my roommate has an extremely hairy butt-crack.  I mean you can't even see skin.  Second;  he's squatted down over this flame,  not bent over with his ass pointing back,  but squatted down with hit butt right over the lighter getting ready for an epic blue flame.

About the time my bran works out the physics experiment that I'm about to see,  the roommate cuts loose.

"WHOOSH!!!" This huge ball of blue flame envelops my roommates hand and his ass!  Suddenly the blue flame expanded as his copious ass hair caught fire in a crackling trail of ass fire.

The roommate let out a short triumphant yell as he proved the reality of the blue flame followed quickly by howls of terror as he realized his ass was now on fire and still burning.  He made a brief and fruitless attempt to extinguish the flames with his hand.  As soon as he realized that wasn't going to work he hauled his now smoking ass off down the hall towards the shower.

The last thing I saw of the great blue flame experiment was my roommate's ass hauling as fast as possible towards the showers,  trailing a thin line of acrid burned-ass hair smoke.

The rest of us in the dorm laughed so hard one kid actually passed out.  The roommate received second degree burns over a large swath of his ass crack.  

I lived up to my end of the bargain and got him lots of tshirts.   The roommate never spoke off the smoking ass blue flame incident again and walked a little funny for a few days.

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Laughing so hard I am crying

Back when I was playing right field in junior high I let out a fart so loud and impressive in duration that the pitcher turned around and the game stopped.

Worst one ever..

I once was at the in laws for lunch. The night before consisted of a decent binge of shitty beers. Coors Miller Lite ect. I did not have an bad hangover but some really bad gas the next morning.
I was downstairs in their house getting some stuff out of the freezer for lunch and cut one. Problem was it was a tad more than a fart and pretty much shit myself. Pretty embarassing.

To make the save, I elected to go to their downstairs bathroom, finish the deed and bailed outside where a small fire which is often set to burn trash was going. I hobbled out one door, scaled the 4 foot fence, fell down in the snow, made it to the fire and tossed my underwares in the fire and burnt the evidence.

My better half and her mom were yelling my name looking for me as I snuck back in and washed my hands well and sat down for lunch. "Where did you go " they asked. "I was just adding some stuff to the fire" I replied

I told my GF about it later that day and she damn near died laughing

This has to be one of my all time favorite threads.  Keep up the good work.

Once time I was waiting in line outside the door of a lodge in Cranston, as part of a Grand Masters procession.  Did I mention that I had corned beef and cabbage three times that week, not by choice mind you.  Well all that cabbage decided to seeks its revenge all at once.  I had to run down the hall of this downstairs lodge and race to the mens room.  Yes I did make it to the stall, followed by multiple ass explosions of liquidy chunks and partially digested cabbage and thunderous farts echoing int he ceramic bowl.  This lasted for several minutes and finally relief!.  Did I mention that the mens room had no door?  Needless to say my assplosions were heard quite clearly down the hall, never mind the next area code.  

So I eventually hobbled back and stood in procession as meekly as possible trying to be inconspicuous.  Just as I thought I had succeeded, the senior warden in my lodge turned to me and with a grin said "Sounds like squeezing shit through a tin horn".   I had to laugh, because by the stares around me, my assplosion activities were pretty hard to ignore.

Years ago a friend of my sister farted in church by accident.  As part of the catholic service your are standing, sitting, and kneeling at various times.  Well the poor girl was off in dream land during church and everybody had to stand up.  So realizing here mistake she jumped out to stand with the rest of her family.  Unfortunately as she jumped up he really tight jeans popped oven and she farted quite loudly.  And of course her sick evil younger brother next to her thought that was the funniest thing in the world.

I wear a C-PAP due to sleep apnea. I have explosive farts all night regularly waking up the wife. Sometimes she wakes me up with cries of "OH MY GOD!" or "YOU'RE SICK!" I tell her with all that air coming in it has to go out somewhere.

Couple weeks ago I made a deer meat sauce piquant for me and my buddies weekly Wednesday night beer drinking. The shit was great. However, the next morning at work I had to fart so I let er rip. You guessed it, I shit myself.

Short Story:

Ten years old with my cousins also ten and eleven years old.  On tram car going up Mammoth Mountain in CA.  Uncle lets one go that causes one of my cousins get so sick he eventually pukes out the tiny plexiglass window about three or four times.  My uncle laughs the rest of the way up the mountain.  I'm sure that was a record for him to make someone violently ill.

A friend of mine always tried to impress this one girl.  She was on her knees and we had a tv on the tailgate of his truck.  He went to turn the tv around to face her to get some BROWNIE points and when he went to pick up the tv he cracked a big fart right in her face..

There is a surprising number of adult men that have shit themselves.

Prince Philip

First to fart in bootcamp= lol

PHHHHHPAAAAAAAATTTT  right at you

This is a-hole different kind of tag...

i've had some good farts in my life...

one of the best had to be in college...

our dorm room was the hangout room, we never locked the door, people were always in there watching movies, playing N64, etc. no one messed with our shit, and they got a place to hang out...

well it got pretty dirty and we needed to clean up before room inspection...

we flipped a coin to see who would clean under the bed, and who would clean out the fridge... i got under the bed...

as i am crawling under the bed on my belly trying to sweep up broken christmas light bulbs, popcorn kernels, and random "things", the pressure started to unearth one of the most EPIC farts of my entire life... as he is standing there i let out this HORRIBLE fart... it was probably about 100dB... it was so loud it echoed off of the cinderblock walls in our dorm room...

my roommate was impressed with volume and the length... then i heard him cursing my name and saw his feet run out of our door...

i soon knew why... at that point the smell made it to my nose, it was the worst thing i have ever smelled... it was pure evil...
i tried to crawl out from under the bed, but i was caught on one of the springs on those cheap metal college bunk bed frames... i was frantic...

the smell seemed to get WORSE with time not better... if hell had a smell, it would be what came out of my ass that day

i finally freed myself and at that moment i felt another pain in my stomach... now  i never throw up, i don't get queasy, i don't get sea sick, i once tried to make myself throw up and putting fingers down my throat just made me hungry again...

it took me a minute to realize it was nausea... i threw up in our trash can...

i was able to cover my face long enough to open the window and prop the door open...

it was about an hour and a half before the smell had finally cleared... people smelled at the opposite end of the hallway... it was terrible

Reminds me of this.

Nobody go in there for 35 ...  45 Minutes

I wore a CPAP for a couple of years, but had to give it up when I started ingesting the air. I would wake up with my stomach horribly swollen and very painful. The only relief was to lay there in bed and fart, long sustained LOUD farts. I thought my wife was going to divorce me over it.

I had to go up to Alaska for work, and they eat nothing but fried food 99% percent of the time up there. This is a surefire recipe for my gut to produce rank gas. Keep in mind I've still got the CPAP problem. The maid that cleaned up my room called maintenance to find the dead animal that was in there.  I was at work by 5am and the maid came around about lunchtime ... a good 6-7 hours of hang time.

no but I was in the car with the wife, gf at the time, we were at a stop light and
she was being a smart ass, the windows were down, and so were the ones on
the car next to us. when I announced OH MY GOD YOUR FART FRIGGIN
STINKS!!! I thought the lady next to us was gonna split her pants laughing.
The wife was not amused at all.

I use to work at JC penny, the elevator we had was glass walled, so when a
buddy and I were ripe, we'd jump on the elevator, ripe'em and get out, then go
and watch peoples reactions.

Okay, this is a little of topic, as it is not exactly a fart story, but it is close:

A few years ago, the water main at my house broke, leaving us without water for the day.  I told my wife not to flush the toilets until the plumbers came.  I told her this as I arrived home from working midnights at 6am.  She left for work at 7:30.  I woke up at 2:30 pm to get ready for work.  My stomach was rumbling something fierce, so I run to the bathroom...NO WATER in the toilet.  Now my body was ready to let it fly (we all know how that is), so I literally waddle to the 2nd bathroom...NO WATER in that toilet either!!  My wife managed to flush BOTH toilets between 6am and 7:30 am!!

So I grab some t.p. and run into the backyard, and let it fly behind a bush.  It was the nastiest crap of my life!!  I buried my mess, and went to work.  Later that evening I get a call at work from my wife that went something like this:

Her:  You need to do something about those stray cats!
Me: What happened?
Her:  They keep crapping in our back yard.
Me:  I'll call animal control.
Her:  Well, you need to do it now, because the dog dug up a big pile of cat shit in the back yard, and its all over his face and paws!!  I'm about to puke!  It stinks so bad!
Me:  I hate those damn cats!  So...did the plumbers come yet?

True story.  I can't believe I just told that one!

Door Knob

Two buds and I were touring the Smithsonian Air & Space Museum in DC some 30+ years ago.  We dart into this side room and it was obvious some foul sick bastard let one rip in there a few minutes before our arrival.  We followed our self guided tour and as we walked into the next two exhibits, its clear we were catching up to this bastard as each room is stronger flavored than the last.  

We walked into the fourth room with about a half dozen people in there and the smell is so fresh that tears came to our eyes and the one guy gagged.  This little itty bitty white haired old women spins around and points to one of my buds and asks in a loud shrill voice, "Young Man !!  Was that you ??"  OMG, the dude went beet red while stammering "No" and the other bud and I were on our knees slapping the carpet laughing our asses off.

We always thought the old lady laid that stinker and blamed our bud.  I don't see those guys much anymore as I'm 800 miles away now but this story never fails to come up when we do get together and we laugh just as hard as the first time as each of us try and mimic that rotten old lady.  

munching this cute gal.  69.  two-can chew.  you know what what i'm talking about.  

she's on top and about to explode.  

well i lip locked her clit and hammered the man in the boat with some - 28 inches of vaccum.

she buck-a-rooed as i never seen a female do.  i hung onto her for dear life, not letting my creativeness subside.  

i opened my eyes in time to see the wrinkled brown eye winking, blinking, and getting ready to talk in tongues.

ground zero.

i could feel the blast across my forehead as she tremored over and over.

i thought i lost eyebrows....  then the smell hit me... good god... what crawled up her ass and died?

it smelled like she really needed to see a doctor.  

after her shivering stopped, she looked over her shoulder sheepishly, probably expecting to see a steamer across my brow.

collateral damage was minimal as she apologized profusely.

a repeat tongue performance was requested but we didn't 69 any more after that!

This thread has to be the funniest thing I have ever read.

I have some rank farts...all the time.  In fact, my friend Dave says my wife is the only woman that could put up with my colon.  I drove over to Dave's one night to pick him up.  As I pulled up, I let out a quiet, long, hot fart that I knew was going to be terrible.  My nostrils soon confirmed.  Dave walks up to the car saying he has to do something upstairs for a little while.  I acknowledge, saying that I need to escape this fart.  We go inside, and I play some videogames for about 30 minutes while he is doing whatever.  Once he is finished, we walk outside and get in the car only to realize that I had sealed that beast in.  Dave sits in the car and closes the door just as he is getting a full whiff.  He starts freaking out, screaming "Mike, what the fuck....(Gag)....You need a colonic...(Gag)....what's wrong with you!"  He then proceeds to dry heave while attempting to open the door.  Once he got it open, he puked in the driveway.

I doubt that is the last time I'll make someone vomit with one of my farts.

My sides hurt from laughing at this.

By far the most embarrassing moments of my life. My buddy and I used to work at a goodyear service center as techs. Our diet consisted of beef jerky, mountain dew and microwave burritos from a gas station across the street. As you can imagine the gas was epic. A few times a week we would get dinner at a restaurant where his girlfriend worked. I loved going there because of this cute little waitress who was always working, and as fate would have it my buddy's gf was busy so the little cutie(Sara) waited on us. She brought us our drinks and says "ill be right back". Thinking that I have a small window of opportunity to unleash the days burrito/jerket buffet I figure that it would be funnier if I fake coughed and tore ass. Now apparently "ill be right back" means "hey I'm going to move 3 feet behind you and grab some napkins" because just as I emptied my notoriosly loud colon for a good 10 seconds on a wooden chair I hear a cute little voice say "that was nice". My buddy saw this coming and did nothing to stop me as I lifted a cheek, and to this day he fakes a cough every time he farts. That fucker let me tear ass ON the girl I wanted more than anything and I never did look her in the eye for the rest of our meal.

#4 ER Doctor trying to keep a straight face, when patient described how the 2nd degree burns to scrotum occurd

I was working at a bench with a buddy one day, assembling a tool. It was getting close to lunch time and I was hungry. I soon smelled spaghetti and figured someone was heating up their lunch.

I turned to another co worker named Joe, who was standing behind me, and asked if he smelled spaghetti too. He began to laugh his ass off. He did not have a lunch to heat up but he did have spaghetti last night and just farted.

I felt sick to my stomach.

This thread is epic!

The funniest thing though, is the fact that so many guys (myself included) will forget their wives/girlfriends' birthdays, anniversaries, etc., but by God we can remember a fart from 10, 20, or 30 years ago like it was yesterday.

The worst are the elevator farts. I used to work on the 25th floor of a large building.  In the morning sometimes, if the elevator was empty and I was on my way up and couldn't hold one, I'd get adventurous and let one rip.  I never seemed to learn my lesson because every time I did it seemed, the damn elevator would stop on the 5 floor or something and some hot office chick would get in to go up a floor!  If I didn't fart, I could ride that elevator all day and no one would get in.

I don't mind taking credit for my own doings, but I hate it when the blame is pinned on me and I'm innocent.  Many times some a-hole would get out of the elevator as I was getting on, and the bastard had ripped one.  I'd be riding up and sure enough, it would stop and someone would get in and look at me like I did it.  I hated that.

Once, in the office, I had to let one rip so bad, I went over to this pregnant girl's office (who had just left for the day by the way) and ripped a nice ripe one.  I had closed the door when I did it and the lights were off. I snuck out and was closing the door behind me, and as I did, a female co-worker came by and needed to go into the same office to get some paper work or something.  She walked in, gagged, and walked out and said "WTF did you do in there!!??!!"  What could I say?  I blamed it on our pregnant co-worker and said it was like that when I went in there, you know how pregnancy can mess with a girls system. She was not amused.

The best is when you can do it in a crowd and get away with it. At concerts, ball games, etc.  Problem is, my wife knows me so well by now, and her sense of smell is highly accurate, so she immediately knows if it was one of mine or someone else's.

A story that I wish was a fart story. No such luck, it's worse. Back when I was 18 my 2 friends and I stopped at a Denny's restaurant before heading to the casino and indulged ourselves on some greasy, crappy food. I made the mistake of having the chicken fried steak, driving 40 mins to the casino at which we spent a few hours and then driving home. I proceed to drop off the first friend just as I start to get the stomach rumbling and by the time I am enroute to drop off the second friend, things are getting serious. As we approach the last traffic light before we get to his place I am at full butt clench. He is in the passenger seat in tears and I am now so clenched that my ass is up off the seat. I do a rolling drop off at his car and proceed to speed the 15 mins home. Why I didn't stop on the side of the road to drop ass is beyond me, but as they say hindsight is 20/20.

About half way home I am in a cold sweat with labored breathing knowing I am not gonna make it. This is where the mindset that only males can understand comes into play. For some reason I thought to myself "Maybe if I crap my pants just a little, I can get home". LOL crap MY PANTS just a little. As we all know, this isn't what actually happens. I proceeded to let out a long soothing breath just like the ones where you piss real good, completely filling my pants. I get back to my parents house and shed all of my clothes in the basement before hopping in the shower, somehow forgetting about the shit filled pants, boxers and socks in the basement for several days. As I am leaving for work a few days later my mom pokes her head out the door and says "Tj I washed those muddy work pants that were in the basement, they are in the drier if you need them". I just about died but managed to eek out a "thanks ma".

Horrible girl fart story. I used to work with an ex girl friend at a restaurant where one of the popular dishes was chicken wings. Hopefully none of you know what rotten chicken blood smells like, but if you do then you can imagine how bad this was. I was in the back of the restaurant doing some prep in the kitchen when she came walking in with some dirty containers, some of them being empty chicken buckets. She walks up to me and gives me a hug and asks me how my day was, about this time the smell hits me. I tell her it's been fine but would have been better if she hadn't brought that bucket of rotten chicken in with her. Here response...."oh that was me" Apparently she had crop dusted the place on the way back but entered the kitchen far too fuckin soon. I've been witness to some serious gaseous destruction but that was unreal.

Mine will turn around and bark at her ass. I never laughed so hard as when I first saw her do that.

NOOOOOOO  This thread cannot die.  Bump

I do not eat beans due to my body turns them into major gas.  I was out on biz overnight so I felt that It was safe to eat chili.


Wrong, The stench in the hotelroom was soo strong it woke me up!

In the morning it was still there, I made a pot of coffee and drained most of it in the sink. I tried to burn the coffee pot to cover the wretched stench.

Puts thumb on forehead...

For a healthy diet I recommend crab cakes, chili, burritos, broccoli, coffee jello, and red bull.

Smell the gas Meg Smell the gas!

BUMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You must be one of my friends I thought only they could do something so epic!!!

Mine was in the Cherokee Indian Museum. No sound (one of those silent but deadlys), but the smell cleared everyone in a 30' radius of the Thomas' Confederate Legion exhibit. The incident was many years ago, but it lives on in family lore.

You ever notice how the worst, smelliest farts always come out hot?  Nothing worse that a hot "one-clicker"...you know, the ones that make one short "pft" sound.

I used to get those hot farts after I ate raisin bran for breakfast.  One of my co-workers, tired of my morning crop-dusting, asked me one day, "What DO you eat?"  I said raisin bran.  He told me that I was lactose intolerant.  I had to look it up on WebMD.  Guess what!  I AM

Oh yea,hot+silent=instant death.

I've not had any epic ones,but I do remember going with my Chinese gal and doing one of these,she told me 1-she'd never smelled anything that bad and 2-if I did it at night in bed she'd sleep on the floor

This one kind of ruined my middle school life...

One day, during sex ed...A kid who I thought was my friend, let out, the worst smelling fart I have ever smelled, even to this day.

At my middle school, we had these mini pizza calzones that could honestly produce about a cup full of grease if you squeezed it out, perfect for nasty farts.

Anyways, this kid let it rip. It smelled up the whole room, even outside of the classroom. Some kid who was just getting back from the bathroom said he could smell it a good 20 feet or so down the hall..

At this time, I was a fat kid(not anymore, but back then i was the fatty), so immediately everyone blames me. The teacher tried to ignore it, but eventually she told me to leave. Not jokingly, she was literally pissed, she stood up and pointed to the door, and told me to use the bathroom. I argued, but since I was the fat kid, nobody cared, and I was sent to the bathroom..

So I went to the bathroom(took my time, a good 20 mins or so, wandering the halls), and then came back..No one said anything..Until my "friend" did it again. Luckily there was about 2 minutes left...I could tell the teacher was pissed but she didn't say anything this time..Everyone ran out of the room when the bell rang.

Was working as a merchandiser for Pepsi and getting over a really bad case of the stomach flu. The kind of which that you're scared to fart because you might shit yourself.

Was in a Safeway and was checking the shelves on the soda aisle when I felt some gas coming on. I was bent down at the time and checking the lower shelves, so I kind of squeaked it out.

Out came the most noxious smell I had ever smelt in my life. It smelled like a mix of shit and 3 day old rotted meat. It made ME gag.

I quickly headed to the back room to avoid the stench while at the same time HOPING that nobody would come down that aisle. I made it 3/4 of the way down when I see a lady pushing a shopping cart with a baby in it.

I headed for the end of the aisle and glanced back to see the lady pushing her shopping cart right through the cloud of doom. I see her stop and sniff the air and then she wrinkled up her nose and bent over and sniffed the baby.

She looked at the baby and said in that cutesy baby talk voice "I think somebody needs a diaper change"

That one made me laugh for days

I had to think a minute about this, but I have a couple good'ns for ya...

Once at work, I had to take a dump so I went to the bathroom.  It was only me, my boss, and a couple other folks in this building.  I let out the brown matter, then an enormous, earth-shattering BOOM followed.  It was so loud, my boss, on the other shide of the bulding, ran in.  He said it sounded like a 12 gauge and wanted to make sure I didn't just off myself.

Next was the weekend after my wedding last June, me and the mrs. were at the in-laws with my parents and grandma.  We ate mexican that night and i was holding in all my farts for the epic treatment I was planning on giving the wife that night.  Well, it got to the point that there was some turd behind that gas so I got up and RAN to the downstairs bathroom, letting little spitfire farts go with every step.  I get downstairs, run into the bathroom, and just let 'er RIP!!!  I blew that fucking shitter up, crap actually flew out of it as I was poopin!  It stunk to high heaven of chicken quasadillas and chille relleno's  

One more; couple years ago, the gf, now wife, came over for the squadron christmas party.  They had a bunch of little finger foods, and those combined with a couple drinks of Jack Daniels caused me to create quite the vat of methane  I let one rip so bad in bed, it was long, loud, and VERY bubbly.  The ol' ball and chain had to run out of the room, gagging like no other.

OK OK ONE MORE!!!  When I was working in the same building as the above 12 gauge bathroom incident, we had this gone guy who can not stand other people farting.  But everyone still did it around him.  So one day for lunch, he gets mexican and comes back.  He ripped quite possibly the most putrid, foul, but AMAZING smelling fart every recorded in the history of man, or this Earth for that matter.  He cleared out this whole building, we had a huge industrial fan blowing the air away from the room for a good couple hours, it still stunk.

We still farted all the time when he was around

I have been drinking Natural Light lately to trim my beer budget, holy cow, that stuff gives me some serious farts in the middle of the night.

This story is damned near the funniest