"Maybe?" That's fucking epic.

When i went on a family trip to Yellowstone we stopped at a hotel in Gillette. This hotel had a huge pool so of course that is where i spend my night.

I had to fart

Really bad

I had goggles on and stuck my head in the water and turned around

The bubble went in my mouth

I fucking win

A couple of years ago I had just settled down into bed and gotten comfy.  All was well until our dog Murray, who sleeps on the bed with us let a really bad one go.
So, having a flash-back to my Army NBC training I promptly closed my eyes, held my breath, and pulled the sheets and blanket over my face, just like donning my mask.  After ensuring that all gaps were airtight and cleared, I inhaled deeply of the sweet fresh air in my little hermetically sealed environment.
Oops, my mistake.  I took a full load of phosgene from the real culprit of this dastardly attack, my wife.
I swear the dog was laughing at me as I emerged gasping from under the covers.  









Not the guilty party.






Paybacks a bitch though.    



 
 

I have a small office at work, the door is always open and people are in and out all day long.  When I feel a fart coming, I'll grab some papers off my desk and walk down the hall towards the copier, letting it go on the way.  One time several of us went out to lunch at a mexican restaurant, and when I got back I was ready to let a big one rip.  So I left it in the hall outside my office.  Seconds after I sat down at my desk, one of the secretaries came down the hall and walked right through it.  The face she made was priceless.  With her hand she actually fanned the air in front of her nose.  I had to duck down so she wouldn't see me laughing.

You Dutch Ovened yourself?



 

Bout a year or two ago I woke myself up from the middle of my sleep with a fart.

Not sure if it was the length, the force, or the sound, but it had all 3 components going for it.    Farted so hard I woke myself up.

In high school, I sat in the back corner of the room in history class and my best friend sat beside me. One day, in the middle of taking a test (you could hear a pin drop), I am absolutely in agony! After a while i realzed I just HAD to have some relief and try to do a " one cheek sneak" and relieve a little of the pressure. Well, the entire bibilical volume came ripping out with the volume of the trumpets of Jericho! Naturally everybody in the room turned around with looks on their face that said "oh gross". I quikly looked at my friend and said, "aaaww man, thats gross!". Naturally everyone began looking at him and turning up their nose in disgust. I laughed so hard, I almost pissed myself while he muttered under his voice, "I'm gonnna kick your fuggin ass!"

I'll play.

1.  In college, me and a buddy walk into a TCBY where a group of 6 or 7 girls were ordering.  My buddy really wants in on their conversation and he hears one of them say something about a fart.  He jumps in and says there is nothing wrong with farting it just normal.  Here is where the mistake comes, he says, as a matter a fact I need to fart right now and raises his leg and squints as to fart.  At this moment, I feel it, that little twinge and start processing information at blinding speeds.  There is not a chance in hell of this ending badly for me.   I am positioned behind him and let it rip.  One of the most amazing farts ever.  He is suddenly frozen like a statue in mid leg hock.  He looks over his shoulder at me in shear disgust as he knows what he faces when he turns back around.  I never actually saw any of the girls faces because I was bent over a cooler laughing so hard my belly hurt.

2.  After college, me and two buddies(one from above and another) are headed to Winter Park in a Jeep Wrangler.  The weather is terrible, raods are terrible and blizzard conditions.  I'm in the back seat and they are up front.  As we start up the mountain a hisser makes its way out and wow.  The usual you sting and such starts taking place.  Well I literally these continued every 45 seconds for the entire trip up the hill, about 20 minutes.  The mood in the jeep flip flopped from pleading to threatening.  Please stop to if you don't you are getting out.  The doors came open several times, actually which I was thankful for, because it was bad in the back.  

3.  2007 PGA Championship in Tulsa.  On Sunday me and my son and the second buddy from above are waiting to cross a fairway in a large group of people.  Suddenly, the twinge hits again.  I'm trying to figure an out for this one and decide once we start walking it comes out.  The cord drops and we're off.  Makes the fart from 1 above seem small.  In mid-fart a guy to the left rear lets out a "O-Thank You" , shortly there after the fart ends.  About the time the "O-Thank You" comes out my buddy takes off jogging and the "O-Thank You" guy starts in with "there goes the farter" "hey farter".  Me and my son who was 13 at the time are about to cry.

Okay....

When I was about 16 I was over at me girlfriends house (now my wife) and we were sitting on the floor downstairs....well, I let one rip and it was so loud my future MIL heard from upstairs and we could hear her laughing....

I have farted so loud as to wake myself up on more than one occasion...

My favorite game is fart really quietly under the covers, ensuring I have an airtight seal.....then we play the waiting game....eventually, my wife will move just enough to let the noxious gas escape and I die laughing....

I farted so loud in OCS that my Sgt Instructor heard....he proceeded to make us do squats to work out the gas....which continued for about 10 minutes while 50 candidates farted repeatedly and gave me dirty looks for starting it....

And here I am...a grown man, that just had to shut his door at work so people walking by wouldn't hear the laughter....

Seriously. I better get some work done now....

my wife and i were standing in line at the local walmart. suddenly i had to sneeze. well, that sneeze propelled , with extreme force, a stored fart. it exited with suck force that it stung my arse. wife then turns around and ask what i was laughing at, i tell her i would tell her later. prior to this happening, there was 5-6 people behind me, now there were none. i casually look around and see one of the guys that was behind me now 4-5 lanes over. we make eye contact and he just shakes his head.  priceless

I'm using my nextel to talk to a co-worker who unknown to me at the time is walking up behind me.  I heard my voice getting closer from behind me, so I dropped the phone to my side but had not released the button.  Then I farted, one of those real long soft popping farts.  

And the most amazing thing happened

It was amplified crazily by the nextel speaker from his phone.  I mean, you could barely hear it coming from my ass, but out of his nextel it was LOUD.  It went on so long I started laughing which caused the fart to keep stopping and starting again.

And a new game was born.  You see, you can't refuse a direct beep from someone...  so you try to wait until your co workers are in an embarassing spot and then you beep them and let one rip into your phone.

****  If you chose to begin playing this game with your nextel enabled friends, do not immediately bring the phone up to your face to speak... sometimes it stinks for a little while afterward.

my grandfather told me that joke 30 years ago...

greatest thread ever

No matter who farts at my house, even the dog, I get the blame.

couple:

went to a mongolian place with a frined and wife...ate the motherload of the stuff and got in back of his car- few mile pass and i have a "fart"  of coures me being the nice person, i let it rip as hard as possible...of course me just eatingthat oile made me shat my pants...I had to sit on a empty grocery bag for the trip to not stain his seat....sweet.

had a kid, she was up crying for the fith time and the wife had just got her to sleep finally...I ripped one with such force, the  wife told me the daaugther jumped up startled and started balling again, two rooms over, both doors shut. ....Pie was not on the menu tat night.

September 2001, Walt Disney World-Downtown Disney at Disney Quest.  I had been there almost a week and was enjoying the food but it was giving me the farts something fierce.  Well while we were at DisneyQuest we were riding Some Buzz Lightyear ride/game where you are enclosed in a bumper car that you drive around and shoot volleyballs at the other cars.  My stomachwas killing me cause I needed to let one rip since we walked in the door and had been there for a while.  The place was pretty busy so no way to just let it rip and go un-noticed.  Well the ride was over and the GF gets out and I just let loose with the most foul, loud, obscene, knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, gag a moggot, plain fucking gross fart while still seated inside this ride.  After getting it out of my system I proceed to calmly get out and walk away.  Once out of the ride area I stop to see who is the next unlucky SOB getting in to the ride.  This guy and girl (late teens maybe) trot over to the car, open the door and she hops in. No sooner did her ass hit the seat did she bolt out of the thing coughing and gagging.  I was laughing so hard I ended up letting another one rip right in the middle of the crowd and no I didn't care about that one either.

One continuous fart.

From the 6th floor of the hotel to the lobby.


In the elevator.


With wife in there with me.


On our honeymoon.





Win.

I used to work at a Delinquent youth Drug and alcohol facility until 1AM every night, well earlier in the shift the cafeteria for the facility served Onion rings........

About Midnight I let go.....It was so bad kids were waking up out of a REM sleep and moaning WTF?

My eyes filled with tears so heavy i couldn't see it was so bad, but could not leave my post........

A co worker from the other side of the building comes through the door and immediately says............"Oh good fucking god what happened in here..........?" and turns and flees literally back to his own side of the building.

An hour later i was relieved, the relief person gets a tormented look on their face and asks..."Did one of the kids shit themselves? Damn it stinks in here!"

You had to be there it was that bad, if Bush was President then he would have invaded my ass looking for WMD's it was that bad.

However i think the OP has me beat, anyone who can ASS GAS hundreds of people and not get caught takes the prize.

I went to see a movie with a buddy of mine while on a work trip.  We left a seat open between us so as not to look gay and settled in for the flick.  While watching the previews, I'd lean over the empty seat to make a comment and he'd lean over to listen.  The whole time, I'm working up a massive fart.  Finally, as it's ready to burst, I cup my hands by my ass and lean over.  Again, he leans over to listen to some bullshit comment but instead gets a cupped hand of butt.  It was an instantaneous fart-to-nose transfer and he revolted so quickly his glasses flew off his head and onto the floor.  He sorta mini gagged and we both horse laughed for the rest of the previews.

1994ish, on a double date with my girlfriend (now wife), my now sister in law and her boyfriend at the time. We were sitting in a little hole in the wall mexican restaurant on South Main St in Gladewater, TX. The booth was one of those with hard plastic seating –– no cushion. We were the only ones in the place, sister in law and her boyfriend were facing the counter where all the staff were standing around talking, wife and I were back to them. I let rip a VERY loud fart which was amplified by the hard plastic seat and the lack of any other patrons. My sister in law and her boyfriend were mortified as the wait staff all thought it was one of them.

I've had two separate episodes in which I had incredibly nasty gas and farted in a car. In both cases, the stench was so overwhelmingly putrid that rolling down the windows did no good and we were forced to stop the car and exit.

I worked SWAT at Travis fleet services... Shit, Water And Trash... we drove a shit truck all day and cleaned latrines. Needless to say we already had a wonderful odor doing what we do.
While driving back from a mission with my friend I let loose a wonderfully thick bomb of nostril hatrid. My friend got a wiff, gagged and started cursing me. We both had to drive the shit truck with our heads out the window because the stench was so strong.

Lots of good stories I can share, but last night, on a flight from Minneapolis back to Knoxville...

We were on a full flight on a NWA RJ...packed in like sardines.  The jackass next to me parked his elbow in my ribs and would not move it.  He wasn't huge, but definitely a few pounds overweight.  After about twenty minutes, I summoned the calimari from Murray's steakhouse on Saturday night and let three SBD bombs go about two minutes apart.  IT WAS FUCKING AWFUL!  I know I singed my underwear.  The whole area (several rows fore and aft) were contaminated with the stench for at least ten minutes.  Shortly after the third salvo, Elbows got up and walked to the back of the plane.  He came back and sat down after several minutes, this time making sure to keep his elbows in.  Amused by myself, I launched one more a few minutes after he returned which chased him to the back of the plane again until we were on initial descent into Knoxville.  

When the plane stopped at the gate, Elbows stood up and got his bag from the overhead bin.  I noticed a glimmer of daylight in front of him so I stood up to stretch my legs.  Only seconds before the door was opened for de-boarding, I set the last of the calimari free once again, and he had to walk behind me until we were off the plane.  I swear I thought I heard him wheeze as he rushed by me on the jetway.

Factory where I use to work had a paint line, and the painters stood on a platform with spray guns. The painters at that time wore regular face mask type respirators, and all was good in the land. Then OSHA came....

OSHA made the company install a fresh air system for the painters. Which was basically a small compressor with an airline that ran to the paint platform. The painters wore a "fighter pilot" style mask and received a supply of fresh air. The compressor was about 20 ft from the paint platform mounted on a small shelf by the foreman's office. Some vile and evil person got an idea and snuck over to the compressor and ripped a giant fart into the compressor intake.....

About 10 seconds later You hear the cries of the painters OH MY GAWD JESUS GAAACCCCCKKKK and the two painters rip their masks off their heads and come flying down off the platform gagging and looking somewhat green around the gills. Once word got around about the new "trick" there were so many phantom gas attacks. the company had to move the compressor next to a wall with an intake pipe pulling air from outside.

I'm staying over at my girlfriend's (now wife's) apartment she shares with a rooomate who is out for the evening.  I get up to take a leak when I feel a warm sort of pressure against my anus.  Now experience tells me that my GF usually gets up to piss after me so I can't contaminate the bathroom.  So i go into the roomates bedroom next to the bathroom.  Of course, I pull down the underwear because of cotton's inate ability to to carry these gems back with you.  I then proceed to bend over and reach behind to spread my asscheeks to quell any auditory reverberations.  I fill the room with a sulfery musk then proceed to the bathroom to take my leak and return to bed.

Don't you know as I hit the sheets, the roomate comes home early.  I hear her put down her keys and hang up her coat.  Now, based on the ambient temperature, barametric pressure, and relative humidity, my calculations give that room 1 hour to clear out.  Well, her next move is to the bedroom.

After a few seconds of silence we hear "Eeeeewwww, my God, what the hell is that smell!"  Now I 've got about a foot of beadsheet in my mouth trying to stifle my laughter!  She spent the next half hour checking under the bed and behind the dresser trying to find out if something was dead or rotten in her room!

My friend and I were invited to a dinner at a persons home.  The residents of the home had a dog which was very excited to have company, and it expressed the excitement by taking a dump on the floor.

Now to the epicness.........

My friend was taking some weight gainer which created extra potent smells.  He decided he needed to let one rip, so he calls the dog over to the dinner table, lets a silent one go, then blames the smell on the dog.  The family thought the smell was bad enough they kicked the dog out of the house.  My laughter eventually led one young lady to realize the smell did not come from the dog, but rather from my friend.

Having kids is great, I used them as babies for passes all the time.  Can't remember how many times the wife went to change the babies diaper, only to find it empty?  LMAO

Now that they're older it's hard to blame on them, but every once in a while I get away with it.  Usually I'll rip one in close vicinity to my toddler girl, and my son immediately blames it on her loudly enough for momma to come in and then check her diaper (which again is of course empty).  She's now onto my game though and it's harder to get away with.

As Eddie Murphy once said, "It's the fart game son you'll learn how to play it on day".  lol

In grade school, we all had to take P.E., and one of the "units" in the class was wrestling.  You know, that Greco-Roman style crap that only P.E. teachers and homosexuals enjoy.

So, we'd had the usual cafeteria crap for lunch, and my stomach was rumbling.  Naturally, that day, the head monkey called my name as one of the two wrestlers.  So, the other guy and I go out, he grabs me, slams me to the mat, an enormous sulfury cloud explodes out of my ass, he screams "PIN!" and jackrabbits off to the side of the mat.

Not mine but funny nonetheless:

I was sitting in my Organic Chemistry 3 class in an auditorium classroom of about 250 students. The professor was a little guy, probably 5'-0" when standiing on a phone book. He used a little rolling ladder so he could reach the top of the whiteboard. He's writing along real quick and everyone was just trying to keep up with him. All of a sudden he stops in the middle of drawing a chain molecule and we all hear this squeeeeeeeeeeak. He forgot that when he was on the stool his butt was almost at the level of the microphone he used when he was at the desk. The first squeak was followed by a second, third, and fourth. He hopped down from the ladder and yelled "CLASS DISMISSED" as he ran out the door.

Homosexuals enjoy Greco-Roman wrestling? Greco is an extremely tough form of competition.

ROTFLMAO...

This one wins the thread.


Did something similar to a buddy's brother when I was younger.   I'd get up, go fart in the brother's bedroom, close the door.   Did this for like a solid hour straight.   Brother comes home and goes into his room, absolutely floored him.

Your story is SO much better though.

Got another one for ya.  

My ex wife is a fucking bitch.  Well, aren't they all?  And has never farted in her life (yeah, right).  Gas is one of her biggest pet peeves.

My GF and I were in the shower together one morning and I got that wonderful feeling.  I let one rip.  It was epically foul.  Of course, she bitches me out between gags, but I'm just laughing at her and reminding her that she cooked supper the night before.  

My GF and I run into my ex at Wallyworld that very day.  They've never met, so I figured it might get good.  The ex bitch did not dissapoint.  After I introduced the GF to the most vile being ever to grace the planet, the first thing out of the cunt's mouth was "Do you like it when he farts?"  The GF busted out laughing at her and said "He shit on me after we got finished fucking in the shower this morning.  It was a good one.  Damn near made me throw up".  

Thought we might have to blade, but the ex just got this furious look on her face and stormed off.  

A few years ago my wife, my father in law, and I went to Cracker Barrel for dinner. As we were walking out, my f-i-l rocked one of the rocking chairs out front just as he let a ripsaw fart go. He said " This chair sure does squeek". He didn't see the woman sitting in a car with the window down about ten feet away!  My wife and I almost fell out from laughing. That's the only time I have ever seen my f-i-l embarrassed.

Me and a buddy were at the golf driving range in Fort Carson, Co.. We had eaten Mexican food for lunch, and the refried beans in my gullet were turning to boiling vapor. I'm standing behind my buddy as he goes through his standard, pre-swing routine, and just as he starts to swing, I let go with this ripping 5 second fart that echoes off the hills. My buddy, who is obviously distracted by my thunderous release of gas, hits the edge of the driving green with his club and breaks the head off, which goes flying about 150 feet through the air, and almost hits a couple guts walking off to the side. As we walked over the retrieve the club-head, one of the guys it almost hit picks it up and says "Did you hear the noise that thing made flying through the air?"

About one year ago, my girlfriend and I spent a Saturday at a chili cook-off sampling chili.  We get back to my place and decide to fix chili for dinner too.  A couple hours later we get frisky and start getting it on.  She rips a big one right in the middle of it all.  The force of the blast against my nuts combined with the LOUDEST fart sound I ever heard knocked me backwards right out of the bed.  I was in shock...scared me to death.  She laughed at me the rest of the night.  Ever since, I ask her if she is gassed up before we have sex.  

Can't bring myself to call BS in a fart thread.

When I was in elementary school, I was at an assembly. I was sitting next to this one kid, and he let the loudest fart ever. It reverberated in the assembly hall, and everyone just stopped and looked at him. He points his finger at me, and said, "he did it".

WTH.

I was riding on a train to Paris, France from Marseilles.  I was in between cars having a smoke when this little old lady (maybe 70 or so) came out.  Just prior to that I let out a big, wet baby shit fart.  We smiled at each other, she took a cigarette out of her pack, sniffed the air, put the smoke back in her pack and returned to the car.

All this at 160 MPH.

I stopped for coffee on the way to work one morning. It must have been an ex-lax crapachino because as I was driving down the highway I felt the gurgling and massive gas pain. I knew I was about to give birth to something real bad. I round a corner and of course there is  traffic. As I sat theredoubled over I was trying to decide if I should abandon ship and make a run for the woods, shit my pants or explode. Finally the traffic starts moving. I got off the first exit and made it to a gas station. I ran in for the key. At this point I am drenched in sweat and the guy is not quite sure what to think. I grabbed the key and ran for the crapper. When I made it to the bowl the noise was unbelievable. Water splashing walls rumbling and the stink was epic. So as I finished I had the dry heaves and ran out to the fresh air. I went back in to return the key and the guy is just looking at me like what the fuck. The bathroom wall was next to the desk so apparently he and the other customers (4 or 5) there heard everything. I tried to hand him the key and he just motioned to drop it on the desk and said Jesus Christ what the hell was going on in there you better not have messed up the john. I said nope just don't go in there for a while.  The customers are laughing there ass's off. I felt about 2 inches tall as I left.

In 10th grade gym class we were all sitting on the floor and the teacher who was known for being strict was calling roll so it was really quiet.  When called we were to stand so when I got up out comes an unexpected blast ,very short but really loud. I might as well have farted throught the p.a. as loud as it was just a bit up off of that hardwood floor in that echoey jym. You'd think I was hitler the way those kids went on,but I learned something from that fart. I was not at all liked in school anyways and getting a little older I realised. What did I have to loose? These kids hated me anyhow,who gives a shit (no pun intended)what they think.

I have read through this entire thread with nothing of note to share untill last night.
Last week I purchased "Miracle Berries"  If you have never heard of them, Miracle Berries are little fruits with a protein that bonds to the taste recepters on your taste buds and alters the taste of foods.  Specifically, it alters sour and bitter flavors so that they are either gone, or turn to sweet.  This makes it so that lemon juice can be chugged, lime juice staste like candy, and beer tastes...weird to say the least.  The effects last for a few hours so you can experiment with eating all different types of things to get totally new tastes from common food items.  Now one thing to remember is that although the taste changes, the chemical makeup does not...hard to remember when you are able to squirt half a bottle of lemon juice into your mouth and only taste what seems like a wonderfully sweet lemonade.  

So after about an hour and a half of beer, juices, pickles and whatever elses I could think to test out my stomach started feeling pretty damned funky...being afraid of the effects I took my 5 month old son, and the dog out into the front yard to sit on a little stone flower ring and let the breeze clear out any noxious fumes.  Wasn't long before I felt a HORRIBLE rumble in my stomach followed by the hottest thickest fart I have ever exerienced.  No sound, just hot damp gas.  Weird thing was, I smelled nothing...there was nothing there....or so I though.  All of the sudden the dog jumps forward and walks away...looking back like something REALLY bad just happened.  My son was sitting on my knee and watched the dog walk away with a curious look in his eye...and then he started crying.  Not just a wimper, but straight up bawling...tears pouring...and then it hit me.  Had I stuck around and looked, I'm pretty sure I would have seen it....the nastiest gas cloud I have EVER experienced...and the slight breeze was doing NOTHING to get rid of it...the thing just hung there slowly expanding like it was going to grow and take over the world.  

I had farted bad enough to scare off a dog, and make a baby cry.  
Has to win some kind of award I would think.

About a month ago my wife let one go soooooooooooooo bad that I almost threw up........I rounded the corner and saw my wife in tears laughing and when I asked what the hell died inside of her she gave herself a "fist pump"

Forgot one....

About 3 weeks ago me and the wife were volunteering in our church child care during the service....a room full of 2 year olds....well, I had to fart and I figured since it was a room full of kids I probably wouldn't take the blame. So I let loose a nasty silent fart, and lucky for me it smelled just like baby crap. My wife and the other volunteer  then proceeded to smell every diaper in the room while I tried not to laugh.....

I have a dog that does that.  The funny thing is she yelps in surprise when it happens.

at work on one weekend at friend of mine (knickname T-bone) was lying on a bench in the break room and one of the office ladies who had come in to do some end of month paper work walked into the break room to get a coke unbeknownst to my friend and he lifts one leg and lets go a fart of epic reverberations, she turns around and says "that was a good one T-bone"

i have never seen a white man turn that shade of red since

Years ago my mother was at a graduation ceremony at a junior college, I forget the name of which.  Among the graduates for optometry and dentil hygienists were twelve dogs who were graduating from a program to train dogs to aid the deaf.  Kind of like Seeing Eye dogs, instead these were hearing ear dogs so to speak.  It was a very solemn occasion.  The president of the college was speaking to a half awake crowd on a hot June day in the hot humid sun.  With seemingly perfect timing as the president of the college was praising the new hearing ear dogs program one of the German shepherd dogs standing proudly next to its new deaf owner next to the podium let loose a cannon shot of a fart that interrupted to droning monotone of the college president.  Of course it was picked up by the podiums microphone and amplified enough to be heard in adjacent area codes.

After the dogs cannon shot of a fart followed a stunned silence.  The college president was turning blue with embarrassment.  Then the audience started laughing for a maybe thirty seconds, the college president cleared his threat and started droning on through the rest of his boring insomnia curing speech.  It was just one of those priceless moments.

I was at a friends house with a bunch of school buddies and we were having a night of heavy drinking. Well, about 2AM my friend calls me into the bathroom to check out something funny. Our friend Steve was passed out in the bathtub, only in his boxers with the shower running. Apparently he had barfed on himself and was washing it off, and laid down in th tub to sleep. Well he is soaking wet and the only thing between his ass cheeks and the porcelain of the tub is some wet cotton boxers. He lets out a HUGE, long fart in his sleep. The wet boxers combined with the hard tub, made a perfect seal with his ass and the fart was a nasty, wet, gurgling, reverberating FRAAAAAP FRAAP FRAP FRAAAP FRAAPPP! We all bailed out of the bathroom in a huge rush, laughing so hard we were crying. We made sure to get a good shaming in, I think we used up an entire jumbo Sharpie drawing on him.