MAYBERRY TIMES NEWS

Even though he had been told many times not to touch his father's prize squirrel rifle, local boy Billy Aswipe secretly smuggled it out of the house.  Billy told authorities that he found his father's gun cabinet key while snooping in his parent's room.

After finding the key Billy then confessed to taking his father's prize Anschutz small game rifle from the cabinet in order to "blast old lady Lingus' damn cat."

On his way to Mrs. Connie Lingus' property to dispatch her prize pet Billy recalls concocting an experiment.  He reasoned that she'd know who killed her cat if it was shot with a .22 long rifle round, however she'd never expect what happened if it had been "shot with a stone."  "What would she think when she discovered that she had a hole in her pussy?" he asked himself.  So young Billy packed his father's rifle with gravel that he found along the road.  He then loaded a single round of ammunition into the chamber, took aim and he fired at Mrs. Lingus' cat which had been tied up in the front of her trailer.

Billy only remembers hearing a dull thud and feeling burning flecks of powder on his left hand.  About that time Mr. Peter Coxwell, Connie Lingus' neighbor, called the authorities.

State and local legislators are calling for more "common sense" corporal punishment in light of Tuesday's tragedy.  Emmit Pugh, mayor of Mayberry, said "When will the anti-gun lobby learn that their selfish motives are to blame for the loss of this fine fine firearm!"  Mr. Aswipe declined comment, however he was heard to say "I'ma gonna whip your ass boy!" as he took Billy home.

WTF?

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