So, I'm sure you're sick of these bastards by now right?  Let's share in the fun, and swap ideas.  What fun have you had with these sub-human pricks lately?

1) Some water filter company sent me the information pack when I called thier bluff and said "shutup and send me your info pack."  It contained a form questionnaire with a little bottle for a sample.  Questionnaire: Does your water have an unusual smell, taste, color...  The bottle they sent was yellow.  The sample I mailed them in the postpaid envelope was yellow too.  Morning yellow.  [puke]

2) Local paper keeps calling every fricking month endlessly.  Latest jerk gets on about the newspaper... I said, "Very funny mister, is this a joke?"  He asked hesitantly, "Why?"  I said, "I don't suppose you folks have a Braille edition now do you???"  I could hear him stammer for a minute and politely hang up.  No more calls.

3) Not quite telemarketing, but close - junkmail.  I resize the crap they send me and mail it back in the pre-paid envelopes.  I sweep off the workbench into a few once in a while.  You know they have to pay postage for ANYTHING you send in those right???  I mailed them a steel plate 3" x 5" X 1/8" or thicker.  Bastard probably paid $2.50 or better for that one.  I'm switching to lead soon.  Poor postman.

Here's the magic words:  "Please put me on your do-not-call list."

When I say that I usually get hung up on, and the telemarketers don't stop.

Hasn't worked yet. Better to f**k with them.

Av.

I usually just say "OH MY GOD..."  Then the operator responds "what what?!"  Then I finish with a "I just sh@T myself!" before hanging up abruptly.  I only hang up now because I had one experience when the operator asked me if they should hold.

I have this little gizmo that I bought several years ago called "The Final Word". It has 4 buttons that you can push that put out 4 replies in a loud high pitched computerized voice:
F*ck You!
You f*cking jerk!
You're an a$$hole!
Eat $hit

I usually keep pushing buttons until they hang up. Don't get any call backs either. [}:D][}:D][}:D]

ColtShorty

GOA KABA COA JPFO SAF NRA

"I won't be wronged,  I won't be insulted
and I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do
these things to other people and I require
the same from them."

[thinking]I guess you could use one of two vowels in the censored word above, see what kind of different reactions one letter makes. [whacko]

[b][i]To all the telemarketers out there...[/i][/b][-!-!-]

Well, today I used "I can't talk now, there's an anesthetized Pit Bull on the table bleeding out it's ear."  That one was easy...don't think she'd heard it before.

But probably the funniest was when I was in high school  My "little" brother answered the phone, and the telemarketer asked for my dad.  Little Bro said, "Uh, he's kind of busy right now.  He's in the bathroom.  He's got diarrhea somethin' fierce."

I usually let them rattle on and then give them pointers on how they are doing.

eg:

Phone Troll:  Sir, you really want blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.......

Me:  Wow!  You sound like you've read that 1000 times.  You must really be sick of reading it. I'm sure you'll be excited when I tell you that I want one won't you?  Please take me off your list.  


Or just ask for their supervisor and complain that you've repeatedly asked to be taken off the list and asked for them not to sell you name/phone number but still get calls from their reps.  Once you ask, it is illegal for them to continue to call.

Or ask a bunch or stupid questions:

When is the last time you saw a white horse?
How old was the last dog you petted?
And if I die on the operating table but then the doctor revives me do I get to take full advantage of that life insurance policy or does my wife get full payment?

Or my favorite:  I used to get a lot of calls for Monique.  I've never even known a Monique!  So when I'd get calls for her they'd usually ask to talk with her or if she was in.  I'd say in the most deadpan way I could, "Sorry, she's got my cock in her mouth right now.  Can you wait about 2 minutes and call back?"  And then wait for an answer.  Most times I never heard a thing.  A couple of times they said "sorry" in the most pathetic little voice you've ever heard.

Messing with Jehovah's witnesses is the best though.  I could go on for days...  [;)]

My favorite is:

"Is Mr./Mrs in ?"
"Why no, I believe he/she is still serving time on that child molestation charge."

I put my three year old daughter on the phone and she will talk their ear off. After all, its their dime. If she isnt around I let them go through their whole spiel and act real interested, then I tell them I dont want any. I actually have had them get pissed off and ask why I let them go through it all and waste their time if I wasnt interested.

[size=5]Jim Florentine: Terrorizing Telemarketers[/size=5]


Hilarious!!  He's a comic who tapes his conversations with telemarketers: he plays jokes on them or insults them, and basically messes with their heads.  Download a few tracks from Morpheus or another online file sharing server, or you can buy the whole CD.  

Next one I get, I'm gonna fake talking Chinese, and see what they do.

If I hear a bunch of other people in the background and I know it's a boiler room operation I tell the pitchman that yes I will buy your (whatever) if you will do one thing for me. When he/she say's yes, I tell them to stand up on the desk in front of them, make a primal scream sound and then yell at the top of your voice, "I'm sick of this $hit and I'm fixin to kill everyone of you motherfu(ker$ in this room!!!!".

The credit card ofers are repelled when I claim that I have one of those right here in front of me.

i have my answering machine set to 2 rings, and my message is: "hi, leave a message." it is so short that their auto-dialers can't pick up fast enough. so they think someone answered, having never heard my message, and all i hear while screening calls is: hello, is walter xxxx home? hello? hello? hello? hello...?

[}:D]

Oh man...

I had this one lady call me about storm shelters.  I was in rare form and decided to have a little fun at her expense.

I asked for DETAILS, lots of 'em...

Sound proof?  My hobbies are noisy.

Very sound proof, huh?  If someone screamed inside, could my neighbors hear it?  

What about helicopters, if the police were flying over, could they see it?  Could they detect it underground?   Could you include a tunnel from my house to the shelter, so I could go there without being seen?

Do smells come out of it? If I umm, accidentally, left some meat in there, could my uh, neighbors smell it?

My favorite, and the part where she got nervous was when I asked about the government listening to their calls, would the FBI know that I installed this under my house if they ever came out to search?

Man, I had her so nervous she was afraid to hang up.   My wife was listening, and was seriously wondering if the lady was going to call our local sheriff when she hung up... ROFLMAO

I am a pro-active telemarketer kamikaze.  

If I am bored, I will find an interesting Infomercial on TV with an 800 number and call them.  Ask them for some cute chick's name in the commercial.  Ask insane questions about crap I saw in their TV spot.

I usually have to do this out of earshot of my wife, when she gets tickled with my insane questions and begins giggling, I lose it too.

My favorite is to call up the people selling the "College chicks" video series.  Ask them for specific information about how many scenes some cute blond appears in.  Takes them 3-5 minutes to figure out I am just yanking their chain.

TheRedGoat

I usually listen politely, then pause and yell into the empty room something along the lines of "Put the bodies down over there so the blood doesn't get on the carpet!" and then I ask the operator if they can hold on for a sec.  Sometimes they say sure.  Pick up the phone again and say "Can I call you back, I am elbow deep in intestine and I have 3 more to embalm."

They hang up.

Here's one that made me laugh -- hope it brings you a smile too. . .

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone
call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me.  The call was from AT&T and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T:Yes, this is AT&T ...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES!  This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.  Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid five minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver they were still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T:Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this is AT&T.
AT&T:Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr.  Byron.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute,
but she at no time used the word rate.  I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir, that's right!  24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly,
monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an
annual check, can I get a cash advance?

PART TWO:

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.  That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year.  I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you.  You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!!  Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T sir but ...
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute?  Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme?  I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.  Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN!  Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure!  You say that now!  What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold on.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold.  I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor.  After a wait of a few
minutes, and while I have a mouth full of food:
Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food.  It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry.  I needed to end this conversation.  Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing, because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have
a little brother ...
AT&T: (click)

Mike

There are few people I loath more than telemarketers (with the possible exception of spammers)and I feel they should NEVER be treated with anything but contempt.  Currently, I have several responses I use when dealing with telemarketers.

1)  "Why don't you get a job you can be proud of like maybe you can be my bitch and we can troll the trailer park this evening."

2)  "I'll tell you what, why don't you give me your home phone number and let me call you say... about dinner time tomorrow and you can tell me all about this."

3)  "Hold on I'll go get him."  At which point I place the phone near the tv so they can hear Fox News in the background.  I figure I can tie up the phone until they finally hang up.

My theory is that if you make a telemarketers job as hard as possible, they will burn out and quit forceing the company to hire another person and go through the process of training them all of which will cost that company money.

Oh man this thread has me in stitches!!! [:D]

A buddy of mine gets a few credit card calls a week, his favorite line to them is "Oh, sorry.  We don't use money anymore, we just barter for things." renders them speechless...

Jennifer Aniston was a telemarketer.

If I get a hot sounding girl on the phone I ask her if she is single and if she would like to meet sometime.

That normally takes care of them.

Another question to ask is, "Do you have big tits?"

If it's a guy, ask in your gayest voice, "Do you have a big cock?"

I like to just sit and tap the phone on the table, actually had one woman tell me it wouldnt "shut her up", I liked her at least she had a sense of humor.


A Marine Corp recruiter called for my brother once, I told him he was at a gay pride march. Thats not technically a telemarketer though, but I thought it was funny.

you would not believe the turnover rate of telemarketers. seriously, if you have a pulse they'll hire you. my best friend, he loved it cause he would laugh when they started swearing at him. he thought his job was hilarious, he's not a dork, he's a pretty cool guy he just didn't let the job get to him. he's had every trick in the book played on him.

i told him if he ever calls my house he's getting a 2 minute stream of profanity that would make a chief proud.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN CALLED BY A TELEMARKETER. no lie.

OffRoad

Ok here's one for ya all.  I work for a company writing code for call centers and yes some of our product is used for telemarketing.  While working with a voice recorder company, they turned over a recording from British Telecom that was captured on one of our dialers.  BT is one of our biggest customers and I laughed my ass off when I heard this.  It's a wav file and is about 500K in size, but it shows the frustration that people have towards telemarketers.

[url]www.oddsix.com/BT.wav[/url]

Oh yeah I forgot, this is fun too.

Me: Hello
TM: Can I speak with John Doe
Me: He died this morning
TM: click

When I get people on the phone or at the door I ask them what they want. If it is the Mormons or such people I shout out to the den "Dad! Do we want to change our religon?" he shouts back "No!" and I thank the people for their time.

This is the politest way I can think of to tell these people to go F**K themselves with a barbed dildo up the a**.

Actually, I once received a call from a telemarketer who was speaking Mandarin.  I think he was trying to sell long distance calls to China.  No joke!

Now THAT'S funny!!!!!!
[bounce]

Thanks for the chuckle, OddSix!

My wife just tells them she doesn't buy religion door-to-door...

Rude to carollers, too.

ROFL!

OH MY GOD!  That was funny!

TheRedFromLaughinSoHardGoat

Rapid fire Spanish, just a few words are required. Follow with broken english and never manage to get their point. It wears them out. So far I have not be caught by a bilingual person.

Or: You caught me jerking off. Do you mind if I finish while we talk. [sex]

Um, Offroad: What's your phone number? [}:)]

As for the ansering the phone chinese, my wife does it for real a few times.  Freaks them out.  Later they call back with a chinese telemarketer [:(]

Jehovas Witness Story:
My buddy got back from a day of AR-15 shooting.  He was in the living room watching the Dillon firestorm video while cleaning his gun.  He was still wearing his BDU's.  Saw the couple walk to the door, answered it with carboned up oily hands and the gun slung over his shoulder.

They NEVER came back, and couldn't find a more polite way to leave in a hurry.

[b][red][size=5]You HAVE to Listen To This One ![/b][/red][/size=5]


[url]web-comm.com/ar15/audio/cemetary.mp3[/url]

I have a friend that tries to sell every telemarketer that calls the exhaust manifolds off of his '92 Dodge Dakota. As they go into their sales pitch, he talks over them, telling them about the vast superiority over manifolds from later years. He drags it out for a few minutes, by pretending to listen to their sales pitch and then goes back into technical specs of the manifolds until the guy hangs up. It's freaking hilarious, or maybe you just have to be there. [:E]

i have never in my life laughed so hard as reading this thread.

you guys actually have me looking forward to the next telemarketer call.

When I see the out of area pop up on the caller ID, I just say, "Col Dunbar, Illinois Militia"!  Then I try and recruit them into my fairytale organization of extremists.  Tell them how I can make them a killer and send them up against the ATF.  Now a days, they really don't want to hear that!

yeah i have gotten machines calling that say please hold and we will connect you witha salesperson. #$%^ no

Yeah... Hillary Clinton called my house looking for contributions to the Democratic Party.  At least you don't feel bad for hanging up on a Machine.

That BT.wav file is great.  My computer spazzed out and kept playing it over and over.  I laughed so hard, I hunched forward bashing my head into my monitor, and now my stomache hurts...

Sounded like the Adult Language version of a Monty Python skit.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!!!!"

I sat this afternoon and listened to my cousin turn a telemarketer every way but loose today. They called for his sister and he told then that she wasn't there. The lady then asked if he would take down her number and have his sister return the call. He told her that he would love to but he lost both arms in a tragic farm accident. This woman about stroked and started apologizing up and down. He told her that it was fine, it had happened 5 years ago and he had come to terms with it. She then asked him how he was able to answer the phone and he went into great detail about how he held a pencil in his teeth and on, and on. It's been years since I have laughed that hard.

A long time ago I did lots of telemarketing (cold calling) of everything from carpet cleaning to portrait packages. My best sales day was when I sold 7 six month vitamin supplies at $475 each to old people on the east coast who thought they were really winning 1 of 5 fabulous and expensive gifts. Of course they only would get a piece of shit camera worth $2.

One place I worked for was selling dope out of the main office, the closers would come in wearing sunglasses all day because they were stoned, and there was one secretary that liked to give head in front of open windows. One week after they canned me for having a conscience, the owners skipped town leaving the employees unpaid.

Dude...
Res Ipsa Loquitor...The thing speaks for itself...

[b][/b]

So did you get any action from that secretary?

Mine got a nasal blast..kkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyysssssssss    sssssssstttttticcccckinnnggggggg………

You guys are hillarious, I didn't know so many other people liked to mess with telemarketers.  I used to go into big elaborate ploys with them, other people in the room with me would be laughing their butts off.  But that was taking too long, so now I just do "ding-dong!"  It works quite well.

*ring*
Telemarketer: "Hello is Greg in?"
Me: "That's me what do you want?"
TM: "Well sir I'd like to offer you... (bla bla)"
Me: "Ding dong!"
TM: "What?"
Me: "Ding dong!"
TM: "Ok sir have a nice day"
Me: "Ding dong!"

It's all over in few seconds every time!!  They are afraid of the ding-dong!