Putting Parents In Their Place: Outside Class
Too Much Involvement Can Hinder Students' Independence, Experts Say

By Valerie Strauss
Washington Post Staff Writer
Tuesday, March 21, 2006; A08

They are needy, overanxious and sometimes plain pesky -- and schools at every level are trying to find ways to deal with them.

No, not students. Parents -- specifically parents of today's "millennial generation" who, many educators are discovering, can't let their kids go.

They text message their children in middle school, use the cellphone like an umbilical cord to Harvard Yard and have no compunction about marching into kindergarten class and screaming at a teacher about a grade.

To handle the modern breed of micromanaging parent, educators are devising programs to help them separate from their kids -- and they are taking a harder line on especially intrusive parents.

At seminars, such as one in Phoenix last year titled "Managing Millennial Parents," they swap strategies on how to handle the "hovercrafts" or "helicopter parents," so dubbed because of a propensity to swoop in at the slightest crisis.

Educators worry not only about how their school climates are affected by intrusive parents trying to set their own agendas but also about the ability of young people to become independent.

"As a child gets older, it is a real problem for a parent to work against their child's independent thought and action, and it is happening more often," said Ron Goldblatt, executive director of the Association of Independent Maryland Schools.

"Many young adults entering college have the academic skills they will need to succeed but are somewhat lacking in life skills like self-reliance, sharing and conflict resolution," said Linda Walter, an administrator at Seton Hall University in New Jersey and co-chairman of the family portion of new-student orientation.

Educators say the shift in parental engagement coincides with the rise of the millennial generation, kids born after 1982.

"They have been the most protected and programmed children ever -- car seats and safety helmets, play groups and soccer leagues, cellphones and e-mail," said Mark McCarthy, assistant vice president and dean of student development at Marquette University in Milwaukee. "The parents of this generation are used to close and constant contact with their children and vice versa."

Academics say many baby boomer parents have become hyperinvolved in their children's lives for numerous reasons. There is the desire to protect youngsters from a tougher and more competitive culture. And there is the symbolic value of children.

"It was just about 20 years ago that we started seeing those yellow 'Baby on Board' signs in cars, which arguably had little to do with safety and a lot to do with publicly announcing one's new status as a parent," said Donald Pollock, chairman of the Department of Anthropology at the State University of New York at Buffalo.

"I imagine that parents who displayed those 'Baby on Board' signs are the ones who are now intruding themselves into the college experience of those poor babies 18 years later," he said.

"There are a lot of things I can't control," said one Bethesda mother who asked not to be identified because, she said, her daughter would be mortified. "Terrorists, the environment. But I can control how my daughter spends her day."

Teachers and principals in the early grades began noticing changes in parents in the 1990s. Parents began spending more time in classrooms. Then they began calling teachers frequently. Then came e-mails, text messages -- sometimes both at once. Today schools are trying to figure out how to take back a measure of control.

Some parents who once had unlimited access to classrooms or school hallways are being kicked out, principals say. Teachers are refusing to meet with parents they consider abusive, some say. A number of private schools have added language in their enrollment contracts and handbooks warning that a student can be asked to leave as a result of a parent's behavior. Some have tossed out children because their parents became too difficult to work with.

College officials say they, too, are trying to find ways to handle ubiquitous parents. Freshmen orientations incorporate lessons for parents on how to separate and let their children make their own hair appointments.

At Colgate University in Hamilton, N.Y., for example, administrators issue parents the university's philosophy on self-reliance when they drop off their children, spokeswoman Caroline Jenkins said.

Colgate administrators also send out a memo to department heads at the beginning of each semester reiterating that "we will not solve problems for students because it robs students of an opportunity to learn."

The Parent Program at Alma College in Michigan takes a comprehensive approach at orientation, complete with scripts that allow parents to role-play. A problem is presented and parents are asked, "Tell me what you've done already to solve this problem," said Patricia Chase, director of student development.

The answer often should be nothing, but inevitably parents offer lots of somethings.

"Our aim is not to tell parents to let go completely because, of course, parents want to be an integral part of their children's entire lives," said Walter of Seton Hall, where orientation includes sessions for parents and students -- both separately and together. "Rather, it is to discuss how to be involved in their children's lives, while allowing their children to learn the life skills they will need to succeed in college and beyond."

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/20/AR2006032001167_pf.html

WTF???

Quoted: WTF???

It seems odd, doesn't it? Schools lamented too little parental involvement for years. Now they are too involved?

The exceptional examples of parents routinely calling and texting their kids while in class is certainly way over the line, but I fear there is more here than just dealing with these rediculous parents.

[tinfoil hat on]
I smell a conspiracy.

Bureacuracies love more than anything else, independence. They don't like answering to anyone about anything. They resent parents who have the audacity to believe that they still happen to own their children and have the right to determine much about their lives. They would frankly like most of the parents to sit down and shutup and let the "experts" do as they see fit.

I have noticed this attitude exuding from several public schools in the last 20 years, and it disturbs me greatly.
[/tinfoil hat off]

Glad I am not a teacher.  My mom teaches 2nd grade and deals with two types.  The first type is the ignorant "I don't need no math 'n English I get by just fine without, my son can too" and the micromanaging type referenced in the article.  Can you imagine trying to teach a lesson while half of the kids are text messaging mommy and daddy or having cell phones ring?  Has to be anoying as hell.

Quoted: Glad I am not a teacher.  My mom teaches 2nd grade and deals with two types.  The first type is the ignorant "I don't need no math 'n English I get by just fine without, my son can too" and the micromanaging type referenced in the article.  Can you imagine trying to teach a lesson while half of the kids are text messaging mommy and daddy or having cell phones ring?  Has to be anoying as hell.

And it is unacceptable. If you truly have parents who are behaving like that, then perhaps paddling the parents will fix the problem.

I recognize that some parents are utter morons. (God knows I have dealt with my share of them...)

But I sense something more sinister in all of this.

I can believe it.  Just in my lifetime I have seen a huge shift in parents' attitudes regarding what is and is not acceptable risk for their children.  This new over-protectiveness may not be the direct cause or result of the growing call for a nanny state, but I do think the two phenomena are related.

In any event, I don't think it is a good path we are following as a society.  It weakens us from within by eroding our self-reliance and crippling our ability to take necessary risks.

Since I work for a school district, I can see both sides of the arguement. But it is the least of the Public school's growing list of problems:

Poor management practices
Lack of accountability
Low pay to attract quality staffing
Lack of continue education for employees

Quoted: Since I work for a school district, I can see both sides of the arguement. But it is the least of the Public school's growing list of problems: Poor management practices Lack of accountability Low pay to attract quality staffing Lack of continue education for employees

And an education cirriculum that consists mainly of "diversity" rather than things like READING.

Quoted: Quoted: Glad I am not a teacher.  My mom teaches 2nd grade and deals with two types.  The first type is the ignorant "I don't need no math 'n English I get by just fine without, my son can too" and the micromanaging type referenced in the article.  Can you imagine trying to teach a lesson while half of the kids are text messaging mommy and daddy or having cell phones ring?  Has to be anoying as hell. And it is unacceptable. If you truly have parents who are behaving like that, then perhaps paddling the parents will fix the problem. I recognize that some parents are utter morons. (God knows I have dealt with my share of them...) But I sense something more sinister in all of this.

Sinister?? JW...no offense...but loosen that tin foil.
It's not sinister. It's simply stupid.

Quoted: Sinister?? JW...no offense...but loosen that tin foil. It's not sinister. It's simply stupid.

My encounters with school districts and many "educators" in the last couple of decades have given me real reason to be suspicious of their motives.

Quoted: Quoted: Sinister?? JW...no offense...but loosen that tin foil. It's not sinister. It's simply stupid. My encounters with school districts and many "educators" in the last couple of decades have given me real reason to be suspicious of their motives.

The schools have brought this on themselves. Those parents are graduates of that very school system. They are hyper-independant people who insist on being in charge of everything that touches their life. No respect.

My wife and I do a lot of volunteer work at our children's school. The teachers and really appreciate it
and it allows us to get a good feel for what's going on throughout the entire school. Schools are no
different than any other business environment...good folks, bad folks and lots of politics.

tag for later

Perhaps my tinfoil is on too tight this morning, but I had all kinds of alarm bells going off in my head after reading this story.

I get the feeling they want the parents to butt out of their Leftist agenda.

Shape those impressionable minds into a buncha Socialist Freaks......

I see this almost on a daily basis at the college level.  Not all, but a significant (and increasing) percentage of students that have NO COPING SKILLS WHATSOEVER  because mommy/daddy monitor every aspect of their lives.   Bad grades, trouble with the law, argument with the roommate; the first response is to call mommy/daddy.  

Then mommy/daddy call to complain and demand immediate gratification for their offspring instead of  helping the kid work through the problem on his/her own.

Quoted: Quoted: Sinister?? JW...no offense...but loosen that tin foil. It's not sinister. It's simply stupid. My encounters with school districts and many "educators" in the last couple of decades have given me real reason to be suspicious of their motives.

I have to 2nd this. good article and post JW

Another +1 on the motives of school administrators. I live in Republican conservative rural country, and these people are thriving. They are money sucking bureaucrats who are so convinced of their importance, they actually used tax dollars to try an ad campaign against the outgo of kids whose parents are opting to homeschool.

Quoted: Quoted: WTF??? It seems odd, doesn't it? Schools lamented too little parental involvement for years. Now they are too involved? The exceptional examples of parents routinely calling and texting their kids while in class is certainly way over the line, but I fear there is more here than just dealing with these rediculous parents. [tinfoil hat on] I smell a conspiracy. Bureacuracies love more than anything else, independence. They don't like answering to anyone about anything. They resent parents who have the audacity to believe that they still happen to own their children and have the right to determine much about their lives. They would frankly like most of the parents to sit down and shutup and let the "experts" do as they see fit. I have noticed this attitude exuding from several public schools in the last 20 years, and it disturbs me greatly. [/tinfoil hat off]

Not tinfoil IMHO. I believe that is EXACTLY what they want. Typical socialist brainwashing bullshit.

Sounds like the schools are worried that their power to completly brainwash the kids in PC crap is being threatend!

Really makes me not want to have kids.

Quoted: Quoted: Sinister?? JW...no offense...but loosen that tin foil. It's not sinister. It's simply stupid. My encounters with school districts and many "educators" in the last couple of decades have given me real reason to be suspicious of their motives.

Trust me, I am too. I have my meeting wednesday with my kids' teachers. I'm gonna rip my 3rd grader's teacher a new one...
too long to go into...but trust me...she needs it.
And then I shall move onto the pre-pubescent stick man they placed as principal. I have SHOES older than this shit head.

I almost feel sorry for them.
Almost.

BUT, all that said, I don't have any bells going off on this. I dunno...

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Sinister?? JW...no offense...but loosen that tin foil. It's not sinister. It's simply stupid. My encounters with school districts and many "educators" in the last couple of decades have given me real reason to be suspicious of their motives. Trust me, I am too. I have my meeting wednesday with my kids' teachers. I'm gonna rip my 3rd grader's teacher a new one... too long to go into...but trust me...she needs it. And then I shall move onto the pre-pubescent stick man they placed as principal. I have SHOES older than this shit head. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost. BUT, all that said, I don't have any bells going off on this. I dunno...

Playmore,

Please post a thread about those coversations.  I'd like to hear the whole story and how you handled it.

CMOS

Quoted: Quoted: Sinister?? JW...no offense...but loosen that tin foil. It's not sinister. It's simply stupid. My encounters with school districts and many "educators" in the last couple of decades have given me real reason to be suspicious of their motives.

Yep.

Some parents are frantic (morons), there's no getting away from that, I see it every day when I pick my daughters up from school. But there's also no getting away from the fact that the schools want us as parents to be a certain way and pressure us into conforming to whatever 'standards' they set through our children.

They want us to be involved as in they want our help in activities and fundraising. At the same time, I get the strong impression that they want us, once we have served our purpose, to just go away and not interfere in their brainwashing of our children.

We have to do a certain amount of re-programming at home. I'm seriously considering homeschooling my elementary school age children.

BTW, it's not so much the teachers, we've been really lucky in that respect, it seems to be the administration that's the problem, it's pretty controlling, at least here it is

Quoted: Playmore, Please post a thread about those coversations.  I'd like to hear the whole story and how you handled it. CMOS

We'll see how it goes. I HATE his teacher.
I dunno if I can be rational enough NOT to get arrested.
If I don't post for a few days...please start a bail collection.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: WTF??? It seems odd, doesn't it? Schools lamented too little parental involvement for years. Now they are too involved? The exceptional examples of parents routinely calling and texting their kids while in class is certainly way over the line, but I fear there is more here than just dealing with these rediculous parents. [tinfoil hat on] I smell a conspiracy. Bureacuracies love more than anything else, independence. They don't like answering to anyone about anything. They resent parents who have the audacity to believe that they still happen to own their children and have the right to determine much about their lives. They would frankly like most of the parents to sit down and shutup and let the "experts" do as they see fit. I have noticed this attitude exuding from several public schools in the last 20 years, and it disturbs me greatly. [/tinfoil hat off] Not tinfoil IMHO. I believe that is EXACTLY what they want. Typical socialist brainwashing bullshit.

Wow makes me scared to admit around here that I'm a public highschool teacher. AND I OWN A EBR!!!!

Wups I'll get fired today for posting in a gun forum on my break....

Quoted: Wow makes me scared to admit around here that I'm a public highschool teacher. AND I OWN A EBR!!!! Wups I'll get fired today for posting in a gun forum on my break....

Nah...you're in the south. But, ya would if ya lived here!

It's one thing to care what goes on in your kids lives, it's another to butt into every aspect and harass the teacher when little Johnny didn't do well on his test through nobody's fault but his own.  This situation really is getting much worse because it carries all the way into colleges now.  Parents of these dumb frat kids have the audacity to call up professors and complain to them because their kid got wasted, didn't study, and failed the test.  These parents never let their kids learn any personal responsibility and I think the independence issue mentioned in the article is right on.

Quoted: Wow makes me scared to admit around here that I'm a public highschool teacher. AND I OWN A EBR!!!! Wups I'll get fired today for posting in a gun forum on my break....

There are three types of teachers.

Teachers who are good.

Teachers who don't give a sh*t.

And teachers who have wonderful intentions in their own mind, but who happen to be slightly more scary than Stalin in a skirt.

You, I am sure, are in group 1.

It is the other two groups that worry me.

Parents can and should encourage independence in their children, but it's also a mistake to blindly trust the school system to do their part.

Like I said, we have to do a bit of de-programming at home.

My kids will NEVER attend public school.

Quoted: There are three types of teachers. Teachers who are good. Teachers who don't give a sh*t. And teachers who have wonderful intentions in their own mind, but who happen to be slightly more scary than Stalin in a skirt. You, I am sure, are in group 1. It is the other two groups that worry me.

Trust me you wouldn't want to see me in a skirt.... Your eye's would bleed.

My wife deals with special needs kids and has some crazy parents stories.  Recently, she had a parent that wanted to ride the bus and sit in class with her child, everyday.

Reason # 10,958 my kids will be homeschooled.

Quoted: Quoted: Wow makes me scared to admit around here that I'm a public highschool teacher. AND I OWN A EBR!!!! Wups I'll get fired today for posting in a gun forum on my break.... There are three types of teachers. Teachers who are good. Teachers who don't give a sh*t. And teachers who have wonderful intentions in their own mind, but who happen to be slightly more scary than Stalin in a skirt. You, I am sure, are in group 1. It is the other two groups that worry me.

You forgot about the teachers that like to sleep with their students.

I have elementary, high school(soon to be college), and college age children and I've met some real interesting teachers along the way.  I tried to teach my children to best deal with these teachers and administrators in the same vain as potential future employers.  In a work setting you're going to get bosess(teachers & administrators) and other students(co-workers), true the enviroment is a bit different, but the mission is the same.  Many times you can't choose your boss or your co-workers and must learn to work with them toward a common goal.

I would also agree that there is a certain amount of deprogramming/reality check at the end of the day in high school.

Quoted: Reason # 10,958 my kids will be homeschooled.

Sorry, but this always cracks me up...
Homeschooling is alot tougher than you think. And the socially retarded adults it occasionally plops onto society is also a problem.

YMMV

Quoted: Quoted: Reason # 10,958 my kids will be homeschooled. Sorry, but this always cracks me up... Homeschooling is alot tougher than you think. And the socially retarded adults it occasionally plops onto society is also a problem. YMMV

Nobody said it was easy. But I'll take deciding what and how my kids learn anyday over putting them into public school. Just MO.

Sure, I've seen some real social retards who were homeschooled, but I've also seen social retards in public school as well.

I've also met plenty of homeschooled kids who were perfectly normal and also some of the nicest, most polite kids I've ever met.

More often than not what I've found to be true is that a kid becoming a social retard has much more to do with their parents personality than being homeschooled or not.
ie Most of the socially retarded kids I've met also had socially retarded parents.

Just MO and observation.

Quoted: Sorry, but this always cracks me up... Homeschooling is alot tougher than you think. And the socially retarded adults it occasionally plops onto society is also a problem. YMMV

You know, it is entirely possible to home school children and not have them turn out to be drooling socially retarded morons....

Quoted: Bureacuracies love more than anything else, independence. They don't like answering to anyone about anything. They resent parents who have the audacity to believe that they still happen to own their children and have the right to determine much about their lives. They would frankly like most of the parents to sit down and shutup and let the "experts" do as they see fit.

Spot on.  Especially true of teachers.

Quoted: Quoted: Quoted: Reason # 10,958 my kids will be homeschooled. Sorry, but this always cracks me up... Homeschooling is alot tougher than you think. And the socially retarded adults it occasionally plops onto society is also a problem. YMMV Nobody said it was easy. But I'll take deciding what and how my kids learn anyday over putting them into public school. Just MO. Sure, I've seen some real social retards who were homeschooled, but I've also seen social retards in public school as well. I've also met plenty of homeschooled kids who were perfectly normal and also some of the nicest, most polite kids I've ever met. More often than not what I've found to be true is that a kid becoming a social retard has much more to do with their parents personality than being homeschooled or not. ie Most of the socially retarded kids I've met also had socially retarded parents. Just MO and observation.

My neighbors are discussing home schooling their 3 kids...I can tell you that he's socially inept and she's just outright stupid.
I fear for the kids.
Their 3 year old babbles...can't understand a word he says...my boy is 6 months older talking in complete sentences for awhile now...(say around 2 ish!)
I dunno...I look at that scenario and think: Social retardation is genetic and taught AT HOME.

I'm sure some turn out fine.

Quoted: Quoted: Sorry, but this always cracks me up... Homeschooling is alot tougher than you think. And the socially retarded adults it occasionally plops onto society is also a problem. YMMV You know, it is entirely possible to home school children and not have them turn out to be drooling socially retarded morons....

I agree.

I think it's possible for children to have a social life that doesn't include school if you provide enough social activities outside the home.

And of course it depends on their personalities and the personalities of the parents. Some people are just socially awkward regardless of where they were schooled.

Well, JW, what we have here is typical leftist propaganda.

They tell a story about kids getting text messages and phone calls from their parents.  We can all agree that this is over the line and unacceptable behavior.

What they leave out is the obvious and best solution.....don't let the kids have phones in class.  That's what they do at my granddaughter's school.  And if she forgets to leave her phone home, she has to leave it at the Principal's office till school is over.

Instead, the leftist morons indicate that "we need to do something" about this "problem".  And their solution is to remove parents from control of their children and let the "experts" in education take over.

These are the same idiots that think diversity classes are more important than reading and math.

Occam's Razor applies.

Quoted: Well, JW, what we have here is typical leftist propaganda. They tell a story about kids getting text messages and phone calls from their parents.  We can all agree that this is over the line and unacceptable behavior. What they leave out is the obvious and best solution.....don't let the kids have phones in class.  That's what they do at my granddaughter's school.  And if she forgets to leave her phone home, she has to leave it at the Principal's office till school is over. Instead, the leftist morons indicate that "we need to do something" about this "problem".  And their solution is to remove parents from control of their children and let the "experts" in education take over. These are the same idiots that think diversity classes are more important than reading and math. Occam's Razor applies.

And the same idiots who will insist that your child needs to be medicated because their attention wanders in class, or if they just happen to have an exuberant personality.

Quoted: And the same idiots who will insist that your child needs to be medicated because their attention wanders in class, or if they just happen to have an exuberant personality.

Yep.

Just medicate 'em until they are quite and easy to assimilate.

Quoted: Quoted: Well, JW, what we have here is typical leftist propaganda. They tell a story about kids getting text messages and phone calls from their parents.  We can all agree that this is over the line and unacceptable behavior. What they leave out is the obvious and best solution.....don't let the kids have phones in class.  That's what they do at my granddaughter's school.  And if she forgets to leave her phone home, she has to leave it at the Principal's office till school is over. Instead, the leftist morons indicate that "we need to do something" about this "problem".  And their solution is to remove parents from control of their children and let the "experts" in education take over. These are the same idiots that think diversity classes are more important than reading and math. Occam's Razor applies. And the same idiots who will insist that your child needs to be medicated because their attention wanders in class, or if they just happen to have an exuberant personality.

OP and I agree...that's what I was thinking when I read this...which is why I teased JW about the tin foil.
And yes, Ginger you too are correct. One of the reasons I'm gonna give them an earful Wed.
These bastards are too lazy to do their damn job and want you to make your kid do the thorazine shuffle just so they can have an easy way of it.
Learn to deal with kids properly or 1. don't have them or 2. don't work with them.

"Hovercraft"

I now have a label for my BIL. His daughter is working and in graduate school. She recently visited my daughter and Katherine told me, "Dad, Courtney has a problem making the smallest decision. What's the deal?"

I told her to recall her parents planned all of her undergraduate semesters- charted the courses, the whole deal. Been that way her entire life. My approach was, "You get in a bind or need advice, I'm here." We rarely go to parents day when someone doesn't comment on her maturity. Both my daughters held jobs growing up and pitched in at home. Most of their friends are Jewish American Princesses, even if they aren't Jewish!

Don't tease me about tinfoil!!!



I am very sensitive about it!

Quoted: Don't tease me about tinfoil!!! zapatopi.net/afdb/afdbhead.jpg I am very sensitive about it! www.myimgs.com/data/Undertow2004/Tin%20Foil%20hat.jpg

Quoted: Well, JW, what we have here is typical leftist propaganda. They tell a story about kids getting text messages and phone calls from their parents.  We can all agree that this is over the line and unacceptable behavior. What they leave out is the obvious and best solution.....don't let the kids have phones in class.  That's what they do at my granddaughter's school.  And if she forgets to leave her phone home, she has to leave it at the Principal's office till school is over. Instead, the leftist morons indicate that "we need to do something" about this "problem".  And their solution is to remove parents from control of their children and let the "experts" in education take over. These are the same idiots that think diversity classes are more important than reading and math. Occam's Razor applies.

Roger that.

Quoted: Quoted: And the same idiots who will insist that your child needs to be medicated because their attention wanders in class, or if they just happen to have an exuberant personality. Yep. Just medicate 'em until they are quite and easy to assimilate.

It's genius when you think about it. Brainwashing future generations of voters into the PC agenda.