So it snowed here for the first time in a while. The university of MD got a good 6 inches of snow
last night, and so today I went up to campus to play in the snow with some friends of mine before it
all melted. I brought along three shovels from my house to help make a snow fort (I didn't really
care, and it seemed better than making a snowman.)
Out in the courtyard of my friend's dorm building (where we're planning on making our fort, igloo
really), we find a girl and a guy putting the finishing touches on what looks to be a Very Special
Snowman, and discussing what to name it. My two friends and I busy ourselves with piling up
snow, when the girl from the snowman comes up to me:
Her: "Can you not harm my snowman?"
Me: "Uh...sure"
Her: "...His name is Steve"
Me: "I don't care"
Her: "Oh..." and goes inside.
Now, I wouldn't have thought of damaging her snowman before she said anything. In fact, I still
wouldn't do it. However, as I help my two friends pile up snow, I come up with the idea that we
need to build a snowman behind hers, a big menacing snowman with a length of pipe or something.
Just the ieda that she thought I needed to know the name of her snowman made me want to mess
with it. I convince one of my friends to break off and help me with my project...and as we're starting
the snowpile behind the original snowman, she suggests that we make a snow penis going from our
snowman into the other girl's snowman, raping it. I of course find this to be an excellent idea.
Here's 'Steve', just before he's given a harsh lesson on the cruelties of life by 'Billy Ray' (My
friend thought it needed a mullet, but that turned out to be too tough, so we just called it Billy Ray
instead)
A good picture of Steve...how happy he looks. Poor little guy.
And a shot of 'Billy Ray's face...note the death grimace and angry eyebrows.
As we were building this construction, my friend asked me "What if she can see us from her
apartment, and is crying about it right now?" "I hope she is, she needs to see this...it's not like
we're doing anything to her snowman or anything. Destroying something someone else made it
tactless and pointless...we're doing something that causes no damage but is probably much, much
worse."
Well, as soon as we start putting the finishing touches on our bit of jackassery, out comes this girl
with her guy in tow.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! ESPECIALLY RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY WINDOW WHERE I
CAN SEE EVERYTHING?!"
After a solid 25 seconds of laughing, I tell her that we caused no harm to her snowman. I also tell
her that that's why it's funny.
"SNOWMEN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE KIND AND GENTLE CREATURES! THE DON'T GO
AROUND RAPING EACH OTHER IN THE ANUS!"
More laughter from my friend and I, and then:
"WHAT WAS THE POINT?!"
"Hear us laughing? It's fuckin' hilarious, THAT's the point!"
She whips out a leatherman, unfolds the fish scaler, and makes a move to emascualte our snow
rapist. I point out once again that we caused no harm to her snowman, and I would appreciate it if
she would at least wait until I could get a picture. She sorms off, leaving us with:
"YOU GUYS ARE OBNOXIOUS JERKS!"
"Yes we are!" I call out after her. "You oughta give it a try sometime!"
I feel a bit bad, but oh my, was it completely worth it.