By Chris Davis
Virginia Beach, Virginia—It should have been an ordinary day, but it has turned into the sound of a loud toilet flushing for conservatism. It’s official: conservatism has gone to hell in a hand basket.
Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh have desecrated a once great ideology, pushing it over the edge into extremism and placing the final nail in the cross of the Christian right.
The first loose cannon, Pat Robertson, called for the assassination of President Hugo Chavez, a fine Venezuelan dictator and promoter of communism and terrorism. His remarks blared loudly on his television show that nets an audience of one million bible thumpers.
“I think we really ought to go ahead and do it. It’s a whole lot cheaper than starting a war,” Robertson said during Monday evening’s broadcast of “The 700 Club,” his extreme Christian right wing television show. “We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability.”
This wasn’t the first time that Robertson captured international attention, opening his fat mouth, which shows a prominence that also reflects his clout, now ebbing, among fascist conservative Republicans, and ensuring a crushing defeat in the 2006 and 2008 elections.
Robertson’s stupid comments added new tension to the strained relationship between the United States and Venezuela, the nation’s fourth-biggest supplier of foreign oil. The Bush administration, acting as if they were moderate, scrambled to distance itself from the talk of assassination. The Venezuelan government expressed outrage and demanded an apology from Pat Robertson and George W. Bush.
“Our department doesn’t do that kind of thing. It’s against the law,” said Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense. “However, it is fun to play the ‘what if’ game.”
Even though administration officials say they don’t agree with Robertson, it’s clear that they’re mulling his comments over in an attempt to hijack Americans into yet another illegitimate coupe de tat.
Just a day after Pat Robertson’s idiotic statement, Rush Limbaugh had a virtual temper tantrum on the air, attacking liberals and actually questioning their patriotism, as if he were some beacon of patriotic optimism in America. The remarks came in the lack of rebuttal on Pat Robertson, while addressing one of the bravest American mothers to step foot in and takeover Crawford, Texas, Cindy Sheehan.
“I think it’s time to stop dancing around this issue, folks, to tell you the truth. It’s time for somebody to tell the people on the left, ‘You're damn right we are questioning your patriotism,’” whined Limbaugh on his August 23, 2005, broadcast.
Rush Limbaugh’s partisan comments have only created a firestorm in conservative circles and driven a stake through the heart of conservatism. His tirade on the August 23rd broadcast has irrefutably damaged the reputation of a great ideology and sent it spiraling down to hell with American conservatives.
“I don’t know what to say,” said Sen. Ted Kennedy. “I’m happy and sad all at the same time. It was only a matter of time before conservatives reared their ugly head. These are banner days for Democrats. Oil and gas prices are up. The elderly are starving. It’s great news and it’s become clear that we’re the ones in touch with real Americans. These flag waving braggarts have to go!”
“I know Rush Limbaugh didn’t question my patriotism,” fired Sen. Hillary Clinton. “I’m sick and tired of people saying that tolerating terrorism is unpatriotic. These kinds of people are inherently dangerous to America. It’s time to get the White House back before the whole country goes down the tubes!”
“It’s high time to get rid of “The 700 Club” and the “Golden EIB Microphone,” growled Joe Biden, D-DE. “Both of these lunatics have got to go. Oh, yes…they must go! Do they know what kind of irreparable harm they’ve caused this country? You just can’t talk about destroying terrorism with impunity and you certainly can’t question MY patriotism!”
“Don’t include me with the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson,” said a nervous Sen. John McCain, R-AZ. “You can’t just condemn terrorists and liberals like that. Things are far more complicated than that. In my humble opinion, Limbaugh and Robertson should just let Republicans like me speak for the party. I don’t know if I can save it now. It isn’t easy being me.”
“It’s just so sad,” whispered Sen. Harry Reid, D-NV. “A single tear rolls down my cheek. I bid it a fond farewell.”
“I am shedding tears of joy,” laughed Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-CA. “The thought of those people over at Free Republic being miserable has made my day. I’m tired of their snarky posts and it’s about time they got a taste of their own medicine.”
Over 100 years of conservatism has been washed away in a short forty-eight hours. The work of Lincoln, Goldwater and Reagan has been erased in this once great country. It’s become crystal clear that conservatism has gone to hell in a hand basket. It might’ve survived Pat Robertson’s comments, but with the addition of the Limbaugh lunacy, it’s now just awaiting its final funeral service and departure into the unknown.
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