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Archived [ARCHIVED THREAD] - What do you do about a DEADBEAT family member.
Posted: 8/18/2005 3:58:41 PM EDT
This is something that has been weighing on my mind for a long time.  My mother is the scum of society, she is a disabled, drug using, hypocritical person.  She is everything that I hate about people in general.  The only good thing about her is that she is 600 miles away.  My problem is that she keeps calling me.  Right now she is in a battered woman's shelter because she got high with her boyfriend, and they got into an argument and he beat the crap out of her.  She claims to be religious and goes to Church every Sunday because she "likes going",  in reality the church gives her food and money.  I am not religious myself (don't flame me for this), but I don't think she is in church for the religion.  Everytime she calls she wants money or she wants to give me her pitty party sob story about this or that.  

How do you deal with somebody like this.  She refuses to act like a responsible person, and she refuses to become a contributing member to society.  I am at my witts end dealing with her I am out of patience, how do you deal with someone like this.  She refuses to take no for an answer.  
Sorry about the long post I just needed to rant.  


ETA no she doesn't own a jeep and she is to far away to draw down.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 3:59:30 PM EDT
[#1]
sounds like my mom

I stopped talking to her about 8 years ago and I dont regret it one bit
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:00:15 PM EDT
[#2]
The same thing you do to a deadbeat welfare recipient.  You cut them off and force them to make things happen on their own.  It's the biggest favor you will ever do for a deadbeat family member.

My aunt was a crack addict, and my mother kept bailing her out of bad situations.  My aunt soon realized that all she had to do was call my mother everytime she got herself into a pickle.  This only made things worse for both her and my mother.  My mom continued to do this for five years, until I finally convinced her to turn her back and leave her to rot.

My aunt is now drug-free, doesn't get her ass kicked all the time by ghetto trash, has a steady job, and has a stable living situation as a result.  When she lost her meal ticket, she had no choice but to do or die, and she chose to do something for herself.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:01:52 PM EDT
[#3]
Quoted:
This is something that has been weighing on my mind for a long time.  My mother is the scum of society, she is a disabled, drug using, hypocritical person.  She is everything that I hate about people in general.  The only good thing about her is that she is 600 miles away.  My problem is that she keeps calling me.  Right now she is in a battered woman's shelter because she got high with her boyfriend, and they got into an argument and he beat the crap out of her.  She claims to be religious and goes to Church every Sunday because she "likes going",  in reality the church gives her food and money.  I am not religious myself (don't flame me for this), but I don't think she is in church for the religion.  Everytime she calls she wants money or she wants to give me her pitty party sob story about this or that.  

How do you deal with somebody like this.  She refuses to act like a responsible person, and she refuses to become a contributing member to society.  I am at my witts end dealing with her I am out of patience, how do you deal with someone like this.  She refuses to take no for an answer.  
Sorry about the long post I just needed to rant.  


ETA no she doesn't own a jeep and she is to far away to draw down.

SigSaur, I feel sorry for you.

I don't know what to suggest.  I'd say try to stay away and don't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.  I understand it's hard to say no becuase it's your mom.
Hell, I wouldn't want to say no.

All I can say is hope all works out for you.  I will pray for you and your mom.  
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:05:27 PM EDT
[#4]
disconnect your phone

lay your foot down and ask her to re-evaluate her life......

Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:12:54 PM EDT
[#5]
there is a differnce between helping and enableing.

cut dies and let her sink or swim. SHe will get her shit together or she won't. her choice her life. Only so much you can do to help a turd float.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:13:10 PM EDT
[#6]
I realize it is your mother but at a given point you need to tell her to FOAD, that given point is where her life starts to affect your life in a negative fashion.

I wish you and your mother luck.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:16:35 PM EDT
[#7]
I've got one brother who is the same way. The only time I'd hear from him was when he needed money which was all the time because he couldn't keep a job to save his ass. (Money always goes for DOPE.) Thank God Almighty that he's too big of a pussy to try theft or anything else.

The last time he came to my house, he began the usual routine about needing money. I told him that I was late for a meeting and had to leave right then. We would have to talk about it later. I drove around the block and came right back to my house. Haven't seen him since but I told our sister that he's welcome back as soon as he gets his shi'ite back together.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:19:14 PM EDT
[#8]
I guess I should clarify I DO NOT EVER give her money.  My grandfather is the one that always bailing her out and when I tell her what I think and an HONEST opinion then I catch bullshit from him about respecting your elders and your mother.  
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:22:01 PM EDT
[#9]
Sig, you can LOVE someone but not LIKE them, sometimes one must sink to the bottom to get traction. Hope she gets her act together.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:24:06 PM EDT
[#10]
That's a rough one SigSaurP228.

You can't fix anything for her.  The best you can do is protect yourself and your family from her.

Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:25:39 PM EDT
[#11]
[Collateral]She's your mother.  She carried you for nine months.[/Collateral]j/k

Some people have this completely skewed notion that just because someone is 'family' that they should be forgiven everything.  I think that's ridiculous.  If there isn't mutual respect then I don't care who you are, I'm not associating with you.  I'm not going to get into personal examples but God knows I could.

She has to meet you half way or no way at all.  And don't beat yourself up over it.  Life's too short to try to please someone who doesn't deserve pleasing.

Good luck and keep your chin up.

ETA:  I meet people in my practice who are as you describe your mother.  They tell me that they are estranged from their family like it is the family's fault.  I try not to roll my eyes.
Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:25:50 PM EDT
[#12]
Change your phone ## Bro!

Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:30:20 PM EDT
[#13]
Sigsaur,

I'm sure you already know this won't end well and you'll be subjected to recriminations from her parent & other relatives for a long long time.  However do stick to your guns, giving her money will only lead to more destructive behavior & truly is not helping her.  

The only time you should help financially is to get her treatment for the addictions, don't ever let the money go to her only to the center/ hospital she's in.  Best wishes to you, pay attention to your friends and the family members you're close to don't let the stresses of dealing with this impact your relationships.  Be there if your Mom ever does decide to straighten up, it's a long-shot but miracles do happen.

Link Posted: 8/18/2005 4:33:10 PM EDT
[#14]
You should let her move in, or at least get her an apartment and pay the rent for her.





Ok ok, change the phone number and dont look back. Sometimes, just like as a father, you must make the tough choices.
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:04:13 AM EDT
[#15]
Sig, give Kelly a call.  She has had a similar situation re: her birth mother, and can make some very useful suggestions and give much better advice than I can regarding this.

Good luck, bro.
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:11:14 AM EDT
[#16]
Sig,

1st of all, give you a lot of credit to where you are at.  Seems like you are a decent person that turned out much better than your mother.  I have family members like that who are a drain on society.  I certainly don't give them money but offer food, advice, etc. but that's about it.  They need to choose to help themselves and if they are not willing to do that, there's not much more you can do.  

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:19:34 AM EDT
[#17]
Quoted:
I guess I should clarify I DO NOT EVER give her money.  My grandfather is the one that always bailing her out and when I tell her what I think and an HONEST opinion then I catch bullshit from him about respecting your elders and your mother.  


Here is a BIG part of the problem.  You need to convince your grandfather that SHE is disrespecting him when she behaves like this.  HE is enabling her behavior and that won't change until HE changes.  My instincts tell me there is a dark side to their relationship.

God's guidence be with you.

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:34:59 AM EDT
[#18]
Why do you continue to answer the phone.
I have a brother (not that bad now) that was like that. I could care less.
As a nurse I really believe something, and I tell it to the Nurses', esp. the new one's, when I have to go and handle a problem between them and patient or family member.
Some people give off energy and some take it. The more energy you give to someone negative, the worse you feel and the better they feel. I read somewhere someone called them "psychic vampires".
I honestly believe I could "turn off" any person when they reach a certain point. They  can't help themselves usually until they hit the bottom. Your attention keeps dragging her up a little every time you speak to her, prolonging whatever is inevitable.

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:42:16 AM EDT
[#19]
My wifes brother was like that.  About 5 years ago he called at 3:00 in the morning asking if we wanted to buy a camera.  We cut all ties at that point.  We just figured the next call would be from the morgue or the jail.  

His trial for Meth production started yesterday I believe.  

Dan

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 4:53:02 AM EDT
[#20]
Quoted:
Quoted:
I guess I should clarify I DO NOT EVER give her money.  My grandfather is the one that always bailing her out and when I tell her what I think and an HONEST opinion then I catch bullshit from him about respecting your elders and your mother.  


Here is a BIG part of the problem.  You need to convince your grandfather that SHE is disrespecting him when she behaves like this.  HE is enabling her behavior and that won't change until HE changes.  My instincts tell me there is a dark side to their relationship.

God's guidence be with you.


+1.
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 5:19:16 AM EDT
[#21]
We all make choices.  Some of us make good choices, some of us do not.  Regardless of what we choose to do, we all have to live with the consequences.

Mom evidently has some problems.  There are programs and help available.  Mom can choose to live as she does, or she can attempt to recover and change.  This is solely and entirely HER responsibility.

The Mom you describe sounds familiar.  Only calls when she needs something, and she does call often huh?  You are being used.  Period.  You are a source of cash and whatever else she needs.  

YOUR choices are obvious.  And you'll live with those choices.  

1) You can take the calls, suffer the sob stories and send money.   The consequences are plain:  You continue to enable her lifestyle, and continue to suffer more and more calls.

2) You can cut her off.  Sorry Mom.  You are a drug using hypocritical user who only calls when you need money or wanna relate your latest problem.  You need to change, and my giving you money won't help any.  I'm not taking these calls anymore Mom.  Bye.  And then change the phone #.   harsh?  You bet it is.  Consequences:  There are some.  You'll live with some guilt and regret.

If you've made a consistent and concerted effort, and its conistently failed, its HER problem not yours.  Bye mom... Have a nice life in the gutter.
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 5:25:06 AM EDT
[#22]
Sorry to tell you but all the good ideas etc from arfcom won't help. Sounds like you're about ready to cut the strings permanently. Thats the only thing to do unless you want this situtaion to drive you nuts, which from you post it appears to be doing.
I'm sorry for you, but you need to cut away from her. Change your phone etc.

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 5:34:25 AM EDT
[#23]
Blood is blood bud but that doesn't mean forgive everything or tolearate everything.  It does mean with family comes responsiblity.

Ozzie and Harriet and Leave it To Beaver were TV's shows and nobodies family is like that.  Instead we're all living the life of Star Trek the voyage into the unknown science fiction.  That's the truth to life.

In life we all  have to make the decision to be a runner or a fighter.  Running is always easier in the short  term but harder in the long run.  You can avoid problems now to only relive them for years to come. You need to make this decision first.

Me I'm a fighter.  Love sometimes means tough love and sounds like you are there or beyond it.  It's time to consider as next of kin either having her committed for treatment or even jailed.  Best case you save her life and get Harriet or Mrs Cleaver as a mom (not likely) and worst case she's pissed off at you and doesn't talk to you again so no worse off than what you ask.  At least, YOUR concious will be clear and you did what you could do.  

It's your mom.  You can't change that and if you don't give a shit, then you're not worth a shit and a waste of post space. I don't think so for you posted this thread and are obviously concerned. We all change roles with our parents and now bud it's your turn to be the adult.   Rack her ass over the coals and take action if necessary. That doesn't mean destroy your life.  That simply means do something even if it's call the local LEOs and discuss this putting some heat on her or hiring a lawyer to start committment procedures.  

Sorry to be so harsh but a man has to learn to confront his problems not run from them.

Tj
Link Posted: 8/19/2005 8:45:43 AM EDT
[#24]
If she has been like this your whole life, I would say feel lucky that the cycle didn't continue and cut her off.

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 8:53:43 AM EDT
[#25]
that situation sucks, but I have been there a couple times. I change my phone number and dont look back. but most people think Im a cold bastard.... which might be true but im pretty fuckin happy without losers holding me down

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 8:55:47 AM EDT
[#26]
A friend of mine has a saying " the best thing for a drunk is a could park bench." I went through the same thing with my mom a long time ago, except I was there in all the mess at the time. She married the wrong guy, got hooked on crack and took me, her 10 year old son at the time, on the ride with her. I eventually got away and lived with my Dad. After a few years Mom straightened out, evetually became an addictions counciler herself and is now remarried to a great guy, retired and my closest relative. The best thing you can do for now is let her go, stop taking her calls and let her find that cold park bench. It's up to her weather she wants to get off of it then and get some help. If she does then maybee some day you can have a relationship with her, if not then you wont be drug into the misserey of her world, emotionally. I realize that you said you are not religious and thats cool, but you don't have to be to pray to what ever god you may concieve, and that does help for most that try it dealing with the stress and baggage that come with having such collorfull faimly members. Just my .02 YMMV.

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 8:57:01 AM EDT
[#27]
Cut the ties with her.  You have to let them learn that you will not put up with it no longer.  Might hert you for a while but i will be good for you in the end.

Link Posted: 8/19/2005 3:09:32 PM EDT
[#28]
Thanks for all the positive replies.  Just to let everyone know I DO NOT give her money.  She gets her money from her father, and the government. She is the reason I support drug testing for everyone on "disability".  Eric I don't know Kelly's number how are things. in Florida
Archived [ARCHIVED THREAD] - What do you do about a DEADBEAT family member.
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