Funny Combat quotes

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[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Funny Combat quotes (Page 1 of 2)

Posted: 7/30/2005 10:30:52 AM EDT

Some funny quotes taken from another web site I frequent. Some are dupes, some are just hilarous.

Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

Posted: 7/30/2005 10:49:50 AM EDT

[#1]

Never volunteer to drive a truck OR a Cadillac in Basic Training.

Murphy's Laws of Combat

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore IS pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. f your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
19. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly fire isn't.
22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel's HQ.
31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37. Interchangeable parts aren't.
38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.
40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
41. The one item you need is always in short supply.
42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Congressional Medal Of Honor.
53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
54. Murphy was a grunt.

Posted: 7/30/2005 4:24:02 PM EDT

[#2]

Tag

Posted: 7/30/2005 4:30:39 PM EDT

[#3]

Lewis Burwell Puller
A US Marine Legends and most decorated Marine in History
Lived: 1898-1971

"Paper-work will ruin any military force"
- Chesty Puller

"The mail service has been excellent out here, and in my opinion this is all that the
Air Force has accomplished during the war."
- Chesty Puller in a letter to his wife while in Korea

"Don't forget that you're First Marines! Not all the Communists in hell can overrun you!"
- Chesty Puller motivating his men at Chosin Reservoir

"Our Country won't go on forever, if we stay soft as we are now. There won't
be any AMERICA because some foreign soldiery will invade us and take our
women and breed a hardier race!"
-Lt. Gen. Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC

"Take me to the Brig. I want to see the "real Marines". "
Major General Chesty Puller, USMC - while on a Battalion inspection.

"We're surrounded. That simplifies the problem.
All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of
us, they're behind us...they can't get away this time"
- Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC

"They are a damn site better than the U.S. Army, at least we know that they
will be there in the morning."
- Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller
when a journalist asked him about being completely surrounded North Korean divisions.

Posted: 7/30/2005 5:34:51 PM EDT

[#4]

Tagged. See my sig line for another Chesty gem.

ETA: Oops, already covered. Puller and Patton are the quintessential sources of military quotes.

Posted: 10/2/2005 11:37:14 PM EDT

[#5]

.

Posted: 10/2/2005 11:40:47 PM EDT

[#6]

tag

Posted: 10/2/2005 11:43:07 PM EDT

[#7]

Quoted:
Tagged. See my sig line for another Chesty gem.

ETA: Oops, already covered. Puller and ~~Patton~~ are the quintessential sources of military quotes.

Damn straight.

My grandfather met him a couple times in Korea.

Posted: 10/2/2005 11:56:37 PM EDT

[#8]

"Just drive down that road, until you get blown up".
-- General George Patton, to reconnaissance troops

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--General George S. Patton, Jr

"Sure, we want to go home. We want this war over with. The quickest way to get it over with is to go get the bastards who started it. The quicker they are whipped, the quicker we can go home. The shortest way home is through Berlin and Tokyo. And when we get to Berlin, I am personally going to shoot that paper hanging son-of-a-bitch Hitler. Just like I'd shoot a snake!"
-- General George S. Patton, Jr
(addressing his troops before Operation Overlord, June 5, 1944)

Posted: 10/3/2005 12:00:41 AM EDT

[#9]

Some great ones there i hadnt heard

readers digest has a great military humor section, i dont have one handy sorry

Posted: 10/3/2005 12:07:50 AM EDT

[#10]

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

Only if you hit someone directly. 40mm grenades have to travel some distance before they arm.

Posted: 10/3/2005 4:22:57 AM EDT

[#11]

A report from the other side...

The tanks and Bradleys were remarkable. They were able to fire in a 360-degree radius, and from incredible distances, even while on the move. Their guns reduced some of the Fedayeen militiamen to hunks of meat; their remains had to be slopped into plastic bags for burial. . . .

Juawad al-Dayni, retired Iraqi General, Thunder Run

Posted: 10/3/2005 4:34:47 AM EDT

[#12]

tag

Posted: 10/3/2005 4:47:26 AM EDT

[#13]

"This side towards enemy" - Claymore mine

"Don't piss into the wind" - Jim Croce

Posted: 10/3/2005 4:56:14 AM EDT

[#14]

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"gear" + "M203" ???????????????????????????????????????????????????

Posted: 10/3/2005 6:45:40 AM EDT

[#15]

"Gloves are only good for one thing, pissing on your boots"

Posted: 10/3/2005 7:07:16 AM EDT

[#16]

Funny stuff above ...

Here is a sig line in another forum: "There are no atheists in a foxhole."

Posted: 10/3/2005 7:42:56 AM EDT

[#17]

"In the absence of orders, find something and kill it."
-General Erwin Rommel

Posted: 10/3/2005 7:55:25 AM EDT

[#18]

hahahaha

I think i'm gonna have to use some of those!!

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:26:21 AM EDT

[#19]

"All preplanning goes to shit as soon as the first round whizzes by your head."

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:33:03 AM EDT

[#20]

tag

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:40:56 AM EDT

[#21]

A few more:

It's not the round with your name on it...it's the one addressed "To Whom it may concern" that ya gotta worry about

Combat ready units are rarely ready for inspection and inspection ready units are rarely ready for combat

Killing for peace is like whoring for viginity

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:43:14 AM EDT

[#22]

Quoted:
Killing for peace is like whoring for viginity

I hate this one. It's retarded. It's a hippy comment.

Peace is not the absence of conflict. The US and USSR were at peace for long periods of time and we were ready to destroy each other.

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:43:23 AM EDT

[#23]

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:47:24 AM EDT

[#24]

Quoted:
tag

+1

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:47:41 AM EDT

[#25]

I'd trade a seabag full of dogtags for a medal of honor.

Not as well known, but another Chesty gem

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:47:55 AM EDT

[#26]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Killing for peace is like whoring for viginity

I hate this one. It's retarded. It's a hippy comment.

Peace is not the absence of conflict. The US and USSR were at peace for long periods of time and we were ready to destroy each other.

Dude...the metaphor is FUNNY...Lighten up for the loveofGodandallthatsholy!

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:48:26 AM EDT

[#27]

Don't think of it as being hopelessly outnumbered, think of it as having a wide shot selection.

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:50:56 AM EDT

[#28]

Quoted:
Dude...the metaphor is FUNNY...Lighten up for the loveofGodandallthatsholy!

Hippies aren't funny... unless they're bleeding

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:52:47 AM EDT

[#29]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Dude...the metaphor is FUNNY...Lighten up for the loveofGodandallthatsholy!

Hippies aren't funny... unless they're bleeding

Who said anything about hippies?

It's WHORE...sound it out...Phonics is your friend.

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:54:42 AM EDT

[#30]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Dude...the metaphor is FUNNY...Lighten up for the loveofGodandallthatsholy!

Hippies aren't funny... unless they're bleeding

Who said anything about hippies?

It's WHORE...sound it out...Phonics is your friend.

You're taking quite offense to me not liking your post. This is funny. Dude, lighten up. Not everyone has to like everything. Yes, the whore part is funny. The message of the quote is ridiculous though. Get over it man.

P.S. I grew up in MA, Pembroke to be exact.

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:57:11 AM EDT

[#31]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
Dude...the metaphor is FUNNY...Lighten up for the loveofGodandallthatsholy!

Hippies aren't funny... unless they're bleeding

Who said anything about hippies?

It's WHORE...sound it out...Phonics is your friend.

You're taking quite offense to me not liking your post. This is funny. Dude, lighten up. Not everyone has to like everything. Yes, the whore part is funny. The message of the quote is ridiculous though. Get over it man.

P.S. I grew up in MA, Pembroke to be exact.

Honey...I'm no man...perhaps that's why I think it's so funny. That and it was on the Murphy's list I had tacked over my bunk in AIT.

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:59:37 AM EDT

[#32]

Quoted:
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

And no inspection-ready unit has ever passed combat.

Quoted:
"This side towards enemy" - Claymore mine

See sig line below.

Posted: 10/3/2005 8:59:42 AM EDT

[#33]

Quoted:
Honey...I'm no man...perhaps that's why I think it's so funny. That and it was on the Murphy's list I had tacked over my bunk in AIT.

Edited: Nevermind, I answered my own question.

Posted: 10/3/2005 9:05:58 AM EDT

[#34]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Honey...I'm no man...perhaps that's why I think it's so funny. That and it was on the Murphy's list I had tacked over my bunk in AIT.

Enlighten me as I don't know the ways of the Army. AIT is Advanced Infantry Training right? Since when are females allowed in the Infantry? I know they aren't in the Marine Corps. Has this changed in the Army? Honest question, I don't know.

Hmmm he guessed Army right...Squids are getting smarter...

Advanced Individual Training

No harm, no foul.

Posted: 10/3/2005 9:07:49 AM EDT

[#35]

Quoted:
Hmmm he guessed Army right...Squids are getting smarter...

Advanced Individual Training

No harm, no foul.

Don't even get me started on Army....

Actually, truth be told, I've had near zero exposure to Army. Except for a friend of mine who is a Ranger with an entirely too large ego.

Yeah, I figured out after posting my question what AIT meant. For some reason I always thought it was Infantry. Thanks for the info.

Posted: 10/3/2005 9:21:38 AM EDT

[#36]

Another fave (I was an x-ray tech in the Army) and field ops for mass casualty training were always a cluster due to the following:

Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate

WTH is up with that???
I'm just askin...........

Posted: 10/3/2005 9:39:53 AM EDT

[#37]

Pearl Harbour Radio Operator: "Is there anything that we can provide?"
Response from Marine Commander on Wake Island: "Send us more Japs!"

"Artillery is the King of battle: the King cannot
swim, however, which is why we need you guys."
(USMC arty specialist to a group of Navy officers in an Amphib
Warfare Indoc course.)

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
--George Patton--

Diplomats are just as essential in starting a war as soldiers are in finishing it.
--Will Rogers--

The number of medals on an officer's breast varies in inverse proportion to the square of the distance of his duties from the front line.
--Charles Edward Montague--

Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much.
--Oscar Wilde--

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
--Blake Clark--

Discipline is simply the art of making the soldiers fear their officers more than the enemy.
--Helvetius--

Hard pressed on my right. My center is yielding. Impossible to maneuver. Situation excellent. I am attacking.
--Ferdinand Foch-- at the Battle of the Marne

The more MARINES I have around the better I like it!" -GEN. MARK CLARK, US.ARMY

"Sometimes it is entirely appropriate to kill a fly with a sledge-hammer!" -MAJ. HOLDREDGE

"A ship without MARINES is like a garment without buttons." -ADM. DAVID PORTER, USN

"The MARINES have landed and have the situation well in hand!" -RICHARD HARDING DAVIS

"Casualties many; Percentage of dead not known; Combat efficiency: we are winning!" -COL. DAVID M. SHOUP, USMC

"Come on, you sons of bitches! Do you want to live forever?" -GySgt. DANIEL DALY, USMC

"We're not retreating, Hell! We're just attacking in different direction!" -GEN. OLIVER SMITH, USMC

We have two companies of MARINES running all over this island and thousands of ARMY troops doing nothing!" -GEN. JOHN VESSEY, CHAIRMAN OF JOINT CHIEFS

"Retreat hell! We just got here!" -CAPT. LLOYD WILLIAMS, USMC

"The safest place in Korea was right behind a platoon of MARINES. LORD, how they could fight!" -MAJ. GEN. FRANK LOWE, US.ARMY

Posted: 10/3/2005 9:40:01 AM EDT

[#38]

See sig line!
Phessor

Posted: 10/3/2005 9:48:33 AM EDT

[#39]

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
- Unknown

And so tagged.

Posted: 10/3/2005 9:58:43 AM EDT

[#40]

NUTS!- General Anthony C. MacAuliffe 1944.

Posted: 10/3/2005 9:59:16 AM EDT

[#41]

See my sigline, not traditional combat but marriage is pretty close.

Posted: 10/3/2005 10:07:37 AM EDT

[#42]

"It really doesn't matter. They are all going to die anyway"

USMC LCPL reply when asked about his unit's plan of attack at Falujah.

rk

Posted: 10/3/2005 10:08:25 AM EDT

[#43]

tagged.

Posted: 10/3/2005 10:35:58 AM EDT

[#44]

Quoted:
Some funny quotes taken from another web site I frequent. Some are dupes, some are just hilarous.

Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

HAHAHAHAHA!
Do I win anything for knowing the website you got those from?
Is the homepage "yellow"?

Posted: 10/3/2005 10:48:25 AM EDT

[#45]

Quoted:

Funny stuff above ...

Here is a sig line in another forum: "There are no atheists in a foxhole."

Atheists in foxholes

Posted: 10/3/2005 10:57:27 AM EDT

[#46]

tag

Posted: 10/3/2005 11:21:27 AM EDT

[#47]

Not famous, but I had a buddy reply after I asked if he was scared as follows:

Him: Scared? Scared?!!, Mother Fuc#er, if I could have cut the buttons off my BDU's to git closer to the ground, I would've.

Posted: 10/3/2005 11:36:05 AM EDT

[#48]

"Fuck!"

The original author is anonymous but it has been repeated millions of times.

Posted: 10/3/2005 11:38:56 AM EDT

[#49]

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."

Posted: 10/3/2005 12:47:07 PM EDT

[#50]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Killing for peace is like whoring for viginity

I hate this one. It's retarded. It's a hippy comment.

Peace is not the absence of conflict. The US and USSR were at peace for long periods of time and we were ready to destroy each other.

Who wants peace anyways? I want to kill the enemy, burn their bodies, and crap on the ashes.

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Funny Combat quotes (Page 1 of 2)

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