Live together before marriage? Yes or no?

Site Notices

[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Live together before marriage? Yes or no?

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:11:31 PM EDT

I always felt that living together bofore making a serious commitment like marriage was a good idea. People dating don't really get to know who they're with because they don't see how the other person lives IMHO. I lived with Mrs. DOW for a while before we committed to marriage and for us it was a good decision. What say you?
Poll to follow.

Edit
Post # 4000!

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:16:29 PM EDT

[#1]

I think it's a very good decision. The dynamics of living under the same roof are very important to experience when considering whether or not to spend the rest of your life under one roof. What harm can living together have if you're seriously considering marriage? You'll end up under one roof anyway, why not see how you both feel about it before the legality and formality of the ceremony?

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:17:45 PM EDT

[#2]

You have no idea what kind of Pandora box you just opened...

I'm 100% for living togheter.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:18:21 PM EDT

[#3]

i thought i had found mrs professorchaos...until i started living with her. it's a good idea...kept me from making a big mistake.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:19:35 PM EDT

[#4]

better to get the kinks worked out, and be sure you're right for each other before she's legally able to take 50% of what you own than after

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:19:44 PM EDT

[#5]

I well let you know how it will work out for me.

Living together before is the way to go.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:20:15 PM EDT

[#6]

From some class in high school a billion years ago: supposedly living together does not decrease the likelihood of divorce.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:20:39 PM EDT

[#7]

Definitely.

That way you get a feel for how they live before marriage and can work out any kinks if necessary.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:21:32 PM EDT

[#8]

Quoted:
From some class in high school a billion years ago: supposedly living together does not decrease the likelihood of divorce.

+1

Actually.. .it increases it.

I'll see if I can find that study...

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:24:03 PM EDT

[#9]

YESSSSSSSSSSS

I, personally, didn't have the opportunity to live with my wife (she's Catholic, very Religious family, values, etc.) Think it would have done both of us some good.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:24:08 PM EDT

[#10]

Anectodal, I know, but I have heard of mulitple studies that show co-habitation prior to marriage increases the likelihood of divorce.

Then, there's the moral issue....

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:27:32 PM EDT

[#11]

Knew my (now ex) wife for several years before we were married. Didn't live together before hand. Missed/ignored/rationalized all the warning signs.

Last GF and I knew each other nearly a year as friends before starting a relationship. She moved in just a couple of months after we started.

Moved out 4 1/2 years later. She was the perfect woman (at the start) and continued to be so for a couple of years. As time passed she changed. Things that were vitally important to both of us in the beginning suddenly weren't to her. She "needed to be on her own". Oh, well.

Bottom line for me is that marriage is a risky gamble, one that I'm not willing to consider taking again. Living together doesn't assure anything but it's not as complicated as the marriage/divorce process.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:28:26 PM EDT

[#12]

Quoted:

Then, there's the moral issue....

Which is???

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:28:29 PM EDT

[#13]

Morally, according to Christian beliefs, its wrong. Did I ? No.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:31:05 PM EDT

[#14]

I say yes.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:33:08 PM EDT

[#15]

Yes, its not the 17th century. You might as well find out if you can hack it with her before making it legal.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:34:17 PM EDT

[#16]

You gotta test drive before you buy.

That being said, you should only need 3-6 months to figure it out once you move in together.

I should also add that, after you've lived together for some time, neither of you should expect anything to change just because you got married. That part is very important.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:35:46 PM EDT

[#17]

Quoted:
Quoted:

Then, there's the moral issue....
Which is???

The moral issue only concerns assholes who are holier than thou and hell bent on judging others based on their inability to see all of the advantages of living together prior to marriage.

Wouldn't want to end up in hell for using a logical thought process.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:50:57 PM EDT

[#18]

Quoted:
Quoted:
From some class in high school a billion years ago: supposedly living together does not decrease the likelihood of divorce.

+1

Actually.. .it increases it.

I'll see if I can find that study...

I've never found a study on this I can 'trust'.

The reason I can't trust them is that they are all done by organizations with an Agenda... Usually religious organizations that oppose cohabitation. Therefore, they WILL find evidence of what they want to show you, or the research won't ever get published.

Quoted:
You have no idea what kind of Pandora box you just opened...

Agreed.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:51:52 PM EDT

[#19]

I say it's a very good idea. I've been with Afplayboy for 11 months and have lived with him for 6 months. In those 6 months, I have learned so much more about him. I think this was a great idea for us and I don't regret it at all.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:55:55 PM EDT

[#20]

I don't think it's a good idea.

Posted: 5/25/2005 2:56:03 PM EDT

[#21]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:
From some class in high school a billion years ago: supposedly living together does not decrease the likelihood of divorce.

+1

Actually.. .it increases it.

I'll see if I can find that study...

I've never found a study on this I can 'trust'.

The reason I can't trust them is that they are all done by organizations with an Agenda... Usually religious organizations that oppose cohabitation. Therefore, they WILL find evidence of what they want to show you, or the research won't ever get published.

Quoted:
You have no idea what kind of Pandora box you just opened...

Agreed.

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html
love.ivillage.com/snd/sndcouplehood/0,,mhrq,00.html
www.pop.psu.edu/searchable/press/aug403.htm

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:00:46 PM EDT

[#22]

Been married twice. I will live with the next one and never get married again. Living together is like being married anyway.

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:01:07 PM EDT

[#23]

I highly recommend it. Things still change after the deal is official, and predicting this is hard. A long testdrive will weed out the less psycho ones. Notice the word 'less'.

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:04:14 PM EDT

[#24]

Nothing wrong with living together before marriage...

Just don't have sex before marriage.

Of course, I think most of you equated living together with having sex.

Funny, considering the whole "It helps us get to know eachother better first..." argument.
Would that be "KNOW" in the Biblical sense by any chance?

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:06:48 PM EDT

[#25]

Quoted:
You have no idea what kind of Pandora box you just opened...

I'm 100% for living togheter.

+1 on both counts.

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:07:47 PM EDT

[#26]

Quoted:
Quoted:
Quoted:

Then, there's the moral issue....
Which is???

The moral issue only concerns assholes who are holier than thou and hell bent on judging others based on their inability to see all of the advantages of living together prior to marriage.

Wouldn't want to end up in hell for using a logical thought process.

The hypocrisy of your response is astounding. I would point it out, but I think it would be too complicated and maybe give you a headache.

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:08:59 PM EDT

[#27]

Quoted:
Nothing wrong with living together before marriage...

Just don't have sex before marriage.

Of course, I think most of you equated living together with having sex.

Funny, considering the whole "It helps us get to know eachother better first..." argument.
Would that be "KNOW" in the Biblical sense by any chance?

Let's not delude ourselves here... If you're living with a woman you're gonna want to do it.

-------------------

IMHO if she's good enough to shack up with, she's good enough to marry. It's a shame what moral relativism has done.

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:14:18 PM EDT

[#28]

Morally it is wrong.

It is also a poor way to start a permanent relationship.

If all you're looking for is a couple of months, then go for it. If it is the beginning of a lifelong commitment to your spouse it smacks of uncertainty.

I could understand living together if you are engaged and the wedding date is set, say a year away. You're going to be getting "intimate" by then, so living together till the wedding date would give you that get aquainted period, and you might even heve fewwer bills to pay, giving you more money to put toward the honeymoon.

It's sort of the Arfcom "get both" answer.

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:22:01 PM EDT

[#29]

I'm all for it. Remember, it's not "premarital" sex if you don't marry her. LOL

Posted: 5/25/2005 3:22:42 PM EDT

[#30]

Well, I've never bought a car that I didn't test drive first. I lived with a girl for a few years and thank God I did because she got wackier the longer we were together. So, needless to say we're no longer together. My wife and I lived about a half hour away from each other and it started as sleep-overs and then weekends together and then finally we bought a house and moved in together about 6 months after getting engaged and about 8 months before the wedding.

Posted: 5/25/2005 4:07:31 PM EDT

[#31]

Why cohabitate if sex is not involved. We ain't livin in the 50s anymore. I can't imagine a 30 to 40 year old that is waiting for marriage to experience sex. At least sex that involves two people. Flame away.

Posted: 5/25/2005 4:10:36 PM EDT

[#32]

Why marry the cow?

If you're getting the cream for free?

Posted: 5/25/2005 4:18:40 PM EDT

[#33]

The moral issue only concerns assholes who are holier than thou and hell bent on judging others based on their inability to see all of the advantages of living together prior to marriage.
Wouldn't want to end up in hell for using a logical thought process.

I totally agree

Posted: 5/25/2005 4:24:32 PM EDT

[#34]

When you are dating, people sometimes put on a facade to remain attractive to you.

When you live together, that facade does not hold up over a period of time.

Then you have to decide if you really want to stay with the poo flinging monkey you hooked up with.

Posted: 5/25/2005 4:48:24 PM EDT

[#35]

Were not in the 50s...

The amount of divorces have increased drastically since then.

The amount of people living together before marriage has also increased drastically.

Posted: 5/25/2005 4:49:23 PM EDT

[#36]

Personally, I always felt it was wrong to "shack up" before marriage, and I did not live with my husband before we were married. The day we got home from our honeymoon he turned into someone I didn't even recognize. Still, while I regret my marriage, I don't regret my decision not to live with him first. I still have strong feelings about people who shack up for the heck of it, or "just for a test drive." I don't believe in getting married with the attitude that "we can get a divorce if it doesn't work out," and I don't believe in living together "just to see how it goes."

On the other hand, marriage has not been kind to me in the past, and I am now TERRIFIED of it. I am not afraid to love, but I am afraid to marry. CnL has also had his marital woes. We are not a couple of kids looking to play house, and neither of us is looking at our relationship as a temporary thing. Even though we are in this "for the long haul," we have individually and as a couple decided not to marry. Maybe down the line we will change our minds about marriage, maybe not. But I know I love him, and I know he loves me.

Marriage ceremonies have not always existed. "Back in the day" a man took a woman to be his wife, and it was so. That is how we view our relationship. I understand all of the religious and moral and even legal objections to this, but the fact remains: A marriage is a commitment between two people. It may not be recorded in a civil register or in the church books, but we have made a commitment to each other.

Flame away.

Karina