A ship-mate of mine sent me this, and I thought I would share with you all. Enjoy!

Oaths of Enlistment:

NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________

U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________

U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________


[Continued to next post]

U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________ U.S.

DRUNK SAILOR
A drunken sailor on liberty got into a big mud puddle in the street and was looking for something there.
Soon two other sailors came over and asked him: "Hey, bud, what are you looking for?"
"You better give me a hand, men," said the drunk.
The new arrivals walked into the puddle too and set about searching something unknown. At last the first drunk got out of the puddle and exclaimed: "I've found it!"
"What did you find?"
"The shore!" he exclaimed.

Barber Shop
A Navy Chief and a Navy Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were
both just getting finished with their shaves - the barbers were reaching for
some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't
put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The
chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife
doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

[Continued on next post]

Military Rules of Conduct
* If the enemy is in range, so are you.
* Incoming fire has the right of way.
* Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
* There is always a way.
* The easy way is always mined.
* Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
* Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
* The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them and when you're not ready for them.
* Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
* If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
* If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
* Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
* The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
* When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
* When in doubt empty the magazine.
* Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
* Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.
* Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
* Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
* A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
* The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
* Five second fuses only last three seconds.
* It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
* The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
* A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
* When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
* Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
* If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.

RE: Oaths
..hehe..been there and done that! SO freaking true! HAHA!

rigid

OK, so what's your favorite short joke?

I'm so short:

I need a ladder to tie my boots!

I can walk under the door!

I need a grappling hook to climb the edge of a dime!

[(:)]

You forgot a few:
There is no such thing as "friendly fire"
Never walk when you can ride.
Never ride when you can fly.
Never stand when you can sit.
Never sit when you can lay down.
Always leave a seat for Mr. Murphy, he's coming anyway so he might as well be comfortable.

"I'm so short I have to look up to see down!" or just walk around with a silly shit-eatin grin and say "FIGMO" to EVERYONE!!!