Posted: 11/11/2009 11:34:06 AM EDT
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After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be out done by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots." One week later, "The Kerryman", a southwest Irish newsletter,reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless." |
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MY TRIP TO LIDL
Yesterday I was at Lidl buying large bag of Purina dog Food for my friends loyal pet, Saki, the Wonder Dog. When in the checkout line a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your jeans pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, then stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both. I thought the chap behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Lidl won't let me shop there any more. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. |
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A man & wife were woke up at 3am by banging on door. The man answers and a drunk is stood there in the pouring rain, he asks for a push. No chance says man & goes back 2 bed. His wife says he should be ashamed and can't he remember when they broke down and 2 guys helped them. So he gets dressed and goes out into rain. "Hello are u still there? do u need a push?
"Yes" came reply. "Where are you?" he shouts. The drunk replies "Over here on the swings" Little 5yr old Daisy, sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build a house. She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders with hearts of gold adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a pink hard hat & gloves. Even a wage packet with £5. "Goodness" says Mummy, smiling, "Are you working there next week?" Daisy replies: "I think so Mummy, provided those c**ts at Jewsons deliver the fu**in bricks." Got a chinese take out got in car, heard the bag rustle looked over seen a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me then dissapear back inside. i was so scared I nearly crashed i looked again saw the eyes looking at me then dissapear, i ran back into the shop with the bag. Terrified, I asked the chinese guy, "What the fucks goin on you bastard"? He said " You no worry, it Peking Duck" !! |
Followed a butchers van today and sign written on the back door was the sign "no sausages left in this van overnight" 
Then I noticed the other sign "the bird in this van has firm thighs and a plump breast, and our chickens aren't bad either!" Yes it was a female driver 
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Was sent this by e-mail:
British suicide bombers are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the amount of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. "Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that but not 72 for the people who do the real work?" Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up." He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics. Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright. Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working. |
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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one. Traffic Cop: Don't have one? Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving. Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Traffic Cop: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Traffic Cop: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Traffic Cop: You what!? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?! Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please... The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers... The traffic cop is quite stunned. Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license quizzically. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner! Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. |
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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
> > > 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. > > > > 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. > > > > 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. > > > > 4. A dog's parents never visit. > > > > 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point > > across. > > > > 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a > > day. > > > > 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. > > > > 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. > > > > 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you > get > > another dog?? > > > > 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them > > away.. > > > > 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you > a > > pervert. > > > > 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just > > think it's interesting. > > > > 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. > > > And last, but not least: > > > 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. |
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Quoted:
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives > > > 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. > > > > 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. > > > > 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. > > > > 4. A dog's parents never visit. > > > > 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point > > across. > > > > 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a > > day. > > > > 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. > > > > 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. > > > > 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you > get > > another dog?? > > > > 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them > > away.. > > > > 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you > a > > pervert. > > > > 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just > > think it's interesting. > > > > 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. > > > And last, but not least: > > > 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. If only I'd known..................! 
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Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£150!” she cried, “£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £150.” –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– A man went to his doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?' With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse' –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Qantas Airlines: Repair Division In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last.................. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– |
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A Drover walks into a bar with
A pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his Mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Dick and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer Bottle and smacked the Crocodile hard on the top of Its head. The croc opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard With the beer bottle!' |
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Larry's in room 232 at the hospital.
Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'. Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been? 'Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo. ''A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get? ''I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking?! She said, shaking her head in disgust.. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill Tattooed On His privates?' Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right Here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want. Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital |