My personal favorite is "the opening scene of "Saving private Ryan" was loosly modeled after a game of Dodgeball Dusty played in 2nd grade" May take 2 or 3 posts, but here is the Blog in it's entirety.
Well, my wonderful girlfriend and I are moving ahead, and in an effort to show trust, we turned over our passwords to our email accounts and myspace accounts. We all know I'm a bit whacked in the head, so tonight I got on her blog and posted as her. It's private, but here it is, in it's entirety.
..> My baby Dusty
Well, I wanted to talk about my wonderful man. First of all, he's just about as manly as they come. He has these huge muscular arms. When he flexes his biceps, people die from fear. He can shoot better than Carlos Hathcock, he's better at close quarters combat than any SEAL ever was. He's so hot that women faint over him. When he smiles they orgasm. When he frowns, people die from the shockwave.
He's been shot at, and the bullets were scared to hit him. He's had people try to stab him, and the knife plunged itself into the attackers neck, knives fear Dusty.
Dusty's tears can cure cancer, but he's never cried.
Guns don't kill people, Dusty kills people.
Evolution is a lie, there are just animals that Dusty allowed to live.
Dusty doesn't sleep, he waits.
The chief export of Dusty is Pain
Dusty has 2 speeds, walk and kill.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Dusty.
Outerspace only exists because it's scared to live on the same planet as Dusty.
America isn't actually a democracy, it's a Dustytatorship
Dusty doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
Dusty is the reason that Waldo is hiding.
Dusty counted to infinity. TWICE.
When Dusty does a push up, he's actually pushing the earth down.
Dusty can slam a revolving door.
Dusty once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Dusty's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Dusty is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Dusty out. It failed miserably.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Dusty has 72... and they're all poisonous.
If you ask Dusty what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Dusty drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Dusty sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Dusty has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Dusty's fist.
Dusty invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Dusty can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Dusty once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his me.
What was going through the minds of all of Dusty's victims before they died? His shoe.
Dusty is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Police label anyone attacking Dusty as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Dusty doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
Dusty doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Dusty and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If you spell Dusty in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Dusty originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Dusty replied, "That's no glitch."
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Dusty once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Dusty played in second grade.
Dusty once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Dusty once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Dusty re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a bottle of Patron.
Someone once tried to tell Dusty that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Dusty is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Dusty.
Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Dusty's warm-up exercises.
Dusty is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Dusty turned that wine into Patron.
Dusty can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Dusty
Dusty discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Dusty is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Dusty roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
Dusty doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Dusty could use to kill you, including the room itself.
According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Dusty walks.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Dusty gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Dusty goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Dusty has breathed on.
Dusty once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Dusty won by 5.
Dusty was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Dusty's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Dusty sheds his skin twice a year.
When Dusty calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Dusty once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Dusty likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
There are no races, only countries of people Dusty has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Dusty's house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
Dusty doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Dusty CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Dusty roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Dusty can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Dusty has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
While urinating, Dusty is easily capable of welding titanium.
Dusty once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Dusty talks, everybody listens. And dies. Except me.
Dusty doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Dusty is Dusty.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Dusty, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Dusty always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
When taking the SAT, write "Dusty" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Dusty invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Dusty has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Dusty randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Dusty doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Dusty throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Dusty Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Dusty has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Dusty grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Dusty"
Dusty ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Dusty and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Dusty getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Dusty can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
Little known medical fact: Dusty invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
Dusty doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Dusty. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
It takes Dusty 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Dusty will find you and kill you.
Dusty has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Dusty Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Dusty lives in Arkansas, but comes to Oklahoma sometimes.
When Dusty is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Dusty once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
James Cameron wanted Dusty to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Dusty can touch MC Hammer.
Thousands of years ago Dusty came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
Dusty played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Dusty smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
I'm glad he loves me, I know I'm safe forever with him. I love my Dusty |
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lol