Posted: 1/3/2009 4:06:17 PM EDT
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My Other Piece I wrote about the 1911 wasn't well received on here(zero replies) but in my circle of writers I don't have many people with an interests in firearms.
I feel really embarrassed posting this type of thing but I don't know where else to find criticism. If you care to take the time to read the following piece, just tell me if you like it, or if you would change something. If you don't , it's all good. Thanks, and I'm not as bad to my mother as the piece suggests. Gun Baby by LaRue Bomar I go from... Hammer-fired revolvers to single-action classics, Back to double action striker-fired, and imagine That I memorize the calibers and various ballistics Just to value the ratios back lyrical linguistics. Intrinsic matters insensitive, I always skip the club, Rather send lead downrange to get my fingers numb. Yet I grasp no steel thinner than my nineteen-eleven Sighting down black bulls 'til my soul goes my heaven. Until then.... I'ma keep a budget fund for fun, While these people call me ignorant for writing bout some guns. But... most rappers insecure like they need holding. I'm spitting straight, these fake gangsters just key-holing. So pop the primer off that empty brass dirty, And you liberals stay nervous like you talking bees and birdies. I'm a big hole scholar with a small hole mentality, Keep reloading lyrics while my press pulls them out of me. [Chorus x2] I send shots at the targets, straight pinging on the steel. It's a lifestyle : Doin' what I do. I know my Momma ain't about it, when I out poppin' rabbits. But it's only fair that she know the truth. [Chorus] (I love my rifle more than you) I pop the three-oh-eight stick with a pickle on the end, Just the sound of a crack and a whisper in the wind. Twenty-twoin all the small game, the richer for the bigger. Bag so much white-"tail" they call me lady-killer. I'm a tinker-toy toiling with my tools on the chamber, Just repairing, diagnosing all my parts. But this labor is rewarding in a way that a doctor couldn't say, 'Cause when he's done with patients he can't take 'em out to play. All these vets back the forty-five slugger on the draw, All the young'ns pick the 9 talkin' like they know it all. Some crazies like the forty, Some say the thirty-eight. But when you ask me, you know I say that "They're all great." Some overkillers like to pack a Ten mary mary, And a fifty cal on the hip sounds a little scary...but, If you have the same love interests as me, Then you know how fun a gun can be. (Stay Safe) [Chorus x2] I send shots at the targets, straight pinging on the steel. It's a lifestyle : Doin' what I do. I know my Momma ain't about it, when I out poppin' rabbits. But it's only fair that she know the truth. [Chorus] (I love my rifle more than you) I sight in with diopters just opting for some glimpses. So special that my Bushnell has prescription lenses. Keep the permit in my wallet and the pistol stays concealed. Because a man has to keep his family from gettin' killed. My priority is Hornady or Hydrashocks in mags. But for practice or for fun the C-C-I stays in stacks. And I'm sorry to my Momma for not making visits lately, but you went birthed yourself a rifle-boy-gun-baby. [Chorus x2] I send shots at the targets, straight pinging on the steel. It's a lifestyle : Doin' what I do. I know my Momma ain't about it, when I out poppin' rabbits. But it's only fair that she know the truth. [Chorus] (I love my rifle more than you) |
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Can I give some constructive advice?
I get most of what you are talking about, However you are skipping around like a crackhead with his head on fire.. Ifun you gonna beez doin it you gots to keep it simple... write about one gun at a time.... This is a good start 
Hi point 45 Good luck and don't ejaculate it
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I wrote a whole piece about my 1911 specifically.
In this piece I was meaning to convey the attitude of a person who is just talking about a little of the lifestyle as a whole, the skipping around is quite purposeful. I feel posting this here was a mistake, oh well, no harm in trying. No hate to all of you with the less civilized comments, just thought that as adults you would be a little more receptive. |
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I like the part about 9mm, 40, and 45. There were a couple of parts I didn't understand, like the pickle on the end of a .308?
Also, I would be interested to hear the music and rhythm. Each time I started to think I had the rhythm figured out, the syllables didn't quite match up. Overall I liked it. |
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well, you asked for criticism....
too self-indulgent of your firearms/2Am interest and contains a metric ton of technical and insider references that exclude any listening/reading audience while solely including only some of those that are "into firearms". some of the best writing and songs will only drop maybe one really specific technical reference that may inspire the uninitiated to check it out, while the initiated get the hat-tip that you are one of their people. completely littering the entire piece with as many specific references displays a lack of creativity and lack of emotional content in the piece. what little emotional content that is displayed is fairly ham-handed and puerile. dial back all the references and crank up whatever message it is that you are trying to convey. you will find 99.64% of readers/listeners will tune out when presented this type of material. now, if your DJ cooks up a good beat and you can dance to it..... 
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