Posted: 8/10/2010 6:48:05 AM EDT
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DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. |
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Pretty funny, but I would advocate renaming "CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE" to "AMERICAN CAPITALISM, BACK IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS" to reflect when local buisinesses ran the show. I'd then add a new one called "CAPITALISM, MODERN AMERICAN STYLE" to illustrate how things are really done these days (i.e. so companies can actually avoid having to compete):
CAPITALISM, MODERN AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You retain a law firm to secure patents leather and milk, despite the prior art dating back more than 1,000 years. You get a lobbyist and buy off congressman to subsidize your cow farm. You hire a genetic engineer to make your cows' flatulence render all other cows sterile. You now completely control the market on milk. You begin putting legal contracts on your milk cartons. In order for customers to drink the milk, they must agree to mandatory binding arbitration, medical tests and other unsavory conditions. You start charging not only for the milk, but also a $15.95 "Bovine Lactation Fee" and a $7.99 "Udder Moisturizing Fee". Customers who attempt to negotiate these fees are told to "call corporate" and are instead forwarded to "Bob" in suburban Mumbai before they give up and pay. Customers start to balk at paying $39.95 per gallon of milk and switch to orange juice instead. Your team of lobbyists respond by drafting legislation to ban non-milk beverages and get you a $100 million bailout. You're finally caught bribing a congressman, but get a good plea bargain. You serve two months' house arrest in your mansion, then emerge a reality TV star. |
I haven't seen my cows in days. Though I keep smelling BBQ from next door so I think my neighbors may have stolen my cows. 
I will have to work hard in order to buy more cows but this time they will be guarded with a 'gator filled moat and trained gun-monkeys in the trees and on the roof. Gotta remember to feed the monkeys often lest they revolt and to build a fence on the inside of the moat so the dumb cows don't feed the 'gators. I like milk! 
Then the DEA/ATF/NAACP/IRS will surround my "compound", cut off all media access and demand my surrender for skirting the new Federal Cow Registration and Taxation Program which requires me to share my cows' output with my bum neighbors without compensation to me. It is highly probable that no survivors will be found in the aftermath.  If you guys wants dibs on something, speak up quick.
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