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Posted: 6/25/2003 1:25:04 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 7/7/2003 9:19:17 AM EDT by NickFury]
Not a lot of traffic here lately, so maybe y'all will forgive me posting something as frivolous as this. I haven't lived in B'ham in almost ten years, but I grew up there & this had me smiling & laughing. A buddy of mine still up there forwarded this to me - most of you have probably seen it (or some variation):


Visitor's Guide to Birmingham:



You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Burmin'ham".



Driving Information:

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.

1. Burmin'ham has its own version of traffic rules...the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.)

2. To find anything in the city it is required that you know where "malfunction junction" is...which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end. It is one of only two "cloverleaf" formation interchanges in the world. We invented it and only one other city was stupid enough to implement it again - Atlanta - making them dumber than we are.

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

4. If the term "merging delays" is ever used by the person reporting the traffic, even in passing, call in to work and tell them that you will be at least 30 minutes late regardless of where you are in your commute.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be (at the very least) rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. This applies to male and female drivers alike.

6. You must know that "I-459", "I-59", "I-20", and "I-65" are the same road they just loop around the city. We think this was a ploy to confuse outsiders and discourage visitors after the War of Northern Aggression.

7. Always, always, always, find out if it is a race weekend before you get on any of these 'roads' to travel somewhere. If it is a race weekend, stay home or go to the races. You won't be going anywhere else.

7.(a) If the University of Alabama Crimson Tide is playing a home game, recite "Ramma Jamma..." and see #7 above.

8. Construction is a permanent fixture in Burmin'ham. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

9. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, potholes, cats, pieces of other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

10 . If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated".

11. The minimum acceptable speed on "I-65" (see item 6 above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Alabama's State Highway Sponsored version of NASCAR. Especially during rush hour (see item 4 above) when it's 85 and everyone in the city is driving at once, bumper to bumper.

12. Never honk at anyone. Never, ever!! Seriously!

13. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55-65 zone, you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped a bird" accordingly.

14. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.

15. Do not gawk at the woman in the car beside you in traffic who is applying make up, drinking a Diet Coke, smoking a Marlboro, and maintaining a steady speed of 85 mph on I-65 in rush hour traffic. If she is coming from North of Burmin'ham she might be packing. If she is coming from South of Burmin'ham she IS packing and is NOT afraid to use it.



Weather Information:

If it's 110 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

If it's 10-20 degrees and sleeting/snowing, then watch out, Burmin'ham residents consider this "demolition derby" day and will be all over the roads (front ways, back ways, etc). Please proceed with caution as you could be their next target.



Seasonal Information:

If you stick to the seats in your vehicle, it is Spring.

If you need to let the car "get some air" standing next to it with the doors open for a minute before you can stick your upper body inside to crank it and get the air going, it is Summer.

If you are sweating even with the windows down, driving 55 mph, it is Fall.

If you finally turn the A/C off and roll your windows up, it is Winter.



General Information:

Do not ever speak during the song "Sweet Home Alabama" unless it is to sing along with the lyrics. This is like the State Song and will erupt in a brawl if everyone doesn't show "proper respect" to the band who gave us "Free Bird". This is especially true if alcohol is present.
(Notice I didn't say "sold at this event" - just present.)

Yes, we know that Vulcan is mooning the entire city. It's not that funny to us anymore.

If you ask someone for a "coke", they will immediately ask you "what kind"? This is not a trick question. Tell them what you want: Sprite, Dr.Pepper, Root Beer - it's all "coke".

All tea is sweet. If you want it REALLY sweet, stop at the nearest Milo's. If it's not sweet, you have crossed the Mason Dixon Line and are in the North.
Link Posted: 6/25/2003 6:09:37 PM EDT
Good job nick, I like it!

I may have to print it and hand it out to all the yankees I ever see down here
Link Posted: 6/26/2003 6:37:52 AM EDT
[Last Edit: 6/26/2003 6:38:40 AM EDT by NickFury]

Originally Posted By notso:
Good job nick, I like it!

I may have to print it and hand it out to all the yankees I ever see down here



Wish I could take credit for it, but - like I said - it was passed along to me.

I DID, however, add the bit about Milo's. I grew up on Milo's hamburgers, fries, and sweet tea. Their "sweet tea" is about the only tea I DON'T have to add more sweetener to. We don't have one in the "greater Montgomery area" (and, of course, there isn't one in Slapout proper - although if I had the $$$ I'd build one at our one & only intersection ), so I stop at one of the Milo's locations almost every time I go through B'ham or Tuscaloosa.

[homersimpsonmode] Mmmmmm......Milo's......(drool....) [/homersimpsonmode]
Link Posted: 6/26/2003 11:22:41 PM EDT
I like it!!.....
Link Posted: 6/27/2003 5:12:01 PM EDT
I never liked milo's food, but their sweet tea can be purchased in jugs in the greater monkey-town metro-area
Link Posted: 6/28/2003 6:02:20 AM EDT
you need to add ALABAMA game day to another day not to try to get on the interstate.

mike
Link Posted: 7/7/2003 9:16:19 AM EDT

Originally Posted By Avtomat:
I never liked milo's food, but their sweet tea can be purchased in jugs in the greater monkey-town metro-area



Yeah, I get the "jug o' tea" from time to time, but (to me) it's just not the same without the FRIES...
Link Posted: 7/7/2003 9:19:51 AM EDT

Originally Posted By The_Beer_Slayer:
you need to add ALABAMA game day to another day not to try to get on the interstate.

mike



Done.
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