Got this off another website. Thought you guys would appreciate it.


Very moving.....I love this story. Lay down whatever is bothering you, breathe in the fresh air

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and  The crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Evidently I was still lost.

How many of you guys can relate to this?

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Was I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would
be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot]!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

From the next page of Tman.

Hahahahaha!!! Dayummmmmm

LMAO!!!!!

People at work are looking at me funny as I laugh my butt off.

set up, they fell sound asleep. One hour later, Tonto wakes the Lone
Ranger and says, "Kemo-Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger
replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone
Ranger ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise,
it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment,
and then says, "Kemo-Sabe, you dope. Someone stole tent!"

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
> they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas .
> In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, I
> reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the
> Queen of England.
>
> The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs
> in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in
> track and field events in the Olympics.
>
> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was
> high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train
> traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde
> hair and the horse's rear end. I was able to put them together and now she's a
> senator from New York .

Worst 1st Date

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!

We have all had bad dates....but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside of Salt Lake City, Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point when she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be on the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt, despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.

As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that, indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being p'd off."

A Montana cowboy
>
> A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
> pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards
> him.
>
> The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
> sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If
> I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
> you give me a calf?"
>
> The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
> peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
>
> The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer
>
> connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on
> the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get
> an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
> satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>
> The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
> exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
>
> Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
> has been processed and the data stored.
>
> He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
> spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
> receives a response.
>
> Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
> miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
> says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>
> "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
> cowboy.
>
> He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
> amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>
> Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
> exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>
> The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
> not?"
>
> You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
>
> "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
>
> "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
> though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
> already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
> smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a
> flock of sheep.
>
> Now give me back my dog.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquistion was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking a shower after breakfast when I heard my wife,Paula, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again, Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then. "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as i reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where collegues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!
_________________________

Times must be slow at the truck stop so you guys are swapping jokes?

I don't know I seen a pretty good looking lot lizard yesterday and she had most of her teeth. But at a mere 180lbs she had the truck drivers lined up. And you'd be surprised how many decent looking women are now driving trucks. My feed delivery woman ain't half bad to watch climb up the feed bin. ;)

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?"

Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."
_________________________

Rookie mistake, best to use a lightweight dog, it helps.