Posted: 10/27/2011 7:53:56 AM EDT
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English teachers across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published annually, to the amusement of our teachers. Here are last year’s winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 PM instead of 7:30. 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM at a speed of 35 mph. 14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. 15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River. 17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 18. Shots rang out as shots are wont to do. 19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 22. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. |
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Does this reflect the student or the teacher? WOW  That's most classes anymore, regardless of who teaches. English teachers just don't make write that much anymore. I try to do as many writing assignments as I can but its Science. Hard to assign an essay. I have conversions, volume, density, chemical reactions and the like to try to teach them. |
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Does this reflect the student or the teacher? WOW That's most classes anymore, regardless of who teaches. English teachers just don't make write that much anymore. I try to do as many writing assignments as I can but its Science. Hard to assign an essay. I have conversions, volume, density, chemical reactions and the like to try to teach them. you teaching them to make IEDs? |
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Does this reflect the student or the teacher? WOW That's most classes anymore, regardless of who teaches. English teachers just don't make write that much anymore. I try to do as many writing assignments as I can but its Science. Hard to assign an essay. I have conversions, volume, density, chemical reactions and the like to try to teach them. you teaching them to make IEDs? Only in the foreign exchange student class 
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Does this reflect the student or the teacher? WOW That's most classes anymore, regardless of who teaches. English teachers just don't make write that much anymore. I try to do as many writing assignments as I can but its Science. Hard to assign an essay. I have conversions, volume, density, chemical reactions and the like to try to teach them. you teaching them to make IEDs? The name of the class is FTOA: Future Terrorists of America........................... NOT REALLY. For love of God don't call me in. It was a joke. |
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Does this reflect the student or the teacher? WOW That's most classes anymore, regardless of who teaches. English teachers just don't make write that much anymore. I try to do as many writing assignments as I can but its Science. Hard to assign an essay. I have conversions, volume, density, chemical reactions and the like to try to teach them. you teaching them to make IEDs? The name of the class is FTOA: Future Terrorists of America........................... NOT REALLY. For love of God don't call me in. It was a joke. High school just teaches the basics. It wasn't until organic chemistry in college where I was taught the chemical reagents/reactions necessary to make TNT. 
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Does this reflect the student or the teacher? WOW That's most classes anymore, regardless of who teaches. English teachers just don't make write that much anymore. I try to do as many writing assignments as I can but its Science. Hard to assign an essay. I have conversions, volume, density, chemical reactions and the like to try to teach them. you teaching them to make IEDs? The name of the class is FTOA: Future Terrorists of America........................... NOT REALLY. For love of God don't call me in. It was a joke. well it is grady county the meth capital of Oklahoma, so maybe not ied's, but some other chemical process 
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The kids today don't know what we went through in trial/error Chemistry class As to blame––lets blame Bush since it was his stupid No Child Left Behind law Amen to that. What an ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did we elect that bafoon? Oh $#!+!.... It just got REAL Put on your Halloween firefighter's suit. You'll need it. But before you do that you'll have to remove your foot from your butt, you know where your head is 
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The kids today don't know what we went through in trial/error Chemistry class As to blame––lets blame Bush since it was his stupid No Child Left Behind lawAmen to that. What an ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did we elect that bafoon? Oh $#!+!.... It just got REAL Put on your Halloween firefighter's suit. You'll need it. But before you do that you'll have to remove your foot from your butt, you know where your head is At least he was a little better than the Muslim we have now!!!!!!!!!! Not much, but a little. |