If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
> > for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
> > paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas. Note: Please take time to read
> > this
> > slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
> > third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you
> > know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
> > Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at
> > the
> > San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
> > Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .
>
> >>
> >> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> > happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
> > to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
> other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy;
> and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> > accepted and became Judge 3."
>
> >>
> >> Here are the judge ' s comments from the event:
> >>
> >> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
> >> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> >> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> >> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could
> > remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
> > out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
> >>
> >> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
> >> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> >> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> > seriously.
> >> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
> > I'm
> > supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> > give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
> > the look on my face.
>
> >>
> >> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
> >> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> >> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> >> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> > like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
> > more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
> > is in the front part of my chest. I think I'm getting drunk from all the
> > beer.
>
> >>
> >> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
> >> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> >> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
> > other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> >> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> > to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
> is standing behind me with fresh refills.
> >>
> >> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
> >> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> > considerable kick. Very impressive.
> >> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> > the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> >> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
> > can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> > paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> > had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> > beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> > It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> >>
> >> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
> >> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> > spices and peppers.
> >> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
> > Superb.
> >> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> > sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
> > will
> > eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> > that
> > Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
> > cone.
> >>
> >> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
> >> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> >> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
> > chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
> >> worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
> > cursing uncontrollably.
> >> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> > wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> > like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
> At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
> > stop breathing -- it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
> I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> >>
> >> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
> >> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
> > but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> >> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
> > hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
> > out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
> > if
> > he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
> > hot chili?
> >> Judge # 3 - No Report
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