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Posted: 8/14/2004 11:45:48 PM EDT
There are a series of ammunition lines that are composed of between 95% and 100% marketing and 5% and 0% performance. I have begun to call this increasingly common condition "terminal performance anxiety marketing," or simply "performance anxiety marketing." Stuck in a market with high competition, tiny margins and high brand loyalty, new lines are forced to come up with a flashy gimmick (generally based on junk science if ANY science is consulted at all), create a foothold with a few early Entering a new market with such developed and mature competition unless you already have a genuine technology innovation or other significant breakthrough that will make a superior product is usually a very bad idea. So how, you might ask, do such things happen? I believe I have the answer.... The Beginning Usually it starts like this:  Chad, 26, just out of Harvard School of Business (Chad wasn't the best student in undergrad, but his father is on the board of Regents after paying for a new wing of the library) with his newly minted MBA, is dumped by Muffy, his long time (4 months) girlfriend, when she catches him with her best friend Zoe. Zoe is always doing that to her, you know. That catty bitch.  Chad had intended to spend the Summer with Muffy at her parent's place in London. That plan destroyed, however, a despondent Chad returns to Connecticut and whines to his father, Sir Gareth (who obtained his knighthood when he agreed to destroy all the forged pictures his agents had created of Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, with comedian Ali G.), about how insufferable his summer will be without Muffy and how difficult it will be to endure Connecticut for the entire Summer in her absence.    Impressed by how difficult it will be for him to endure Chad for the entire Summer in Connecticut, Sir Gareth panics.   Chad, it turns out, isn't actually Sir Gareth's son. He is the product of Gareth's wife's infidelity. Sir Gareth has been saving this precious nugget of information for a long, long time. He intends to spring it at exactly the right moment, force a divorce and escape alimony along with any other support payments. He savors nightly the thought of his wife's expression in court when the surprise witness, Dr. Fer Tillity, M.D., breaks the news. Freedom at last. Freedom to enforce the prenuptial agreement he forced her to sign to the last letter, comma and period and move to the South of France with his mistress, Cherri.He had expected to put his delicate plans in motion at the end of this Summer, after two months of careful preparation. Now, however, with Chad sulking around the house for three months pestering him for the keys to the Bentley every night, Sir Gareth was unlikely to get any planning done at all. And, dense as he tended to be, there was always the risk that Chad might stumble over some hint of his plans and warn his beloved mother, to whom Chad was alarmingly close. No. This could not be permitted. Chad must be distracted. He must be kept busy and far, far away. Suddenly, an idea forms. An elegant solution. A solution that would not only keep Chad busy, but disgrace him by the end of the summer and provide Sir Gareth with evidence for later use in court. Evidence that should Sir Gareth pass his fortunes to Chad, they would surely be ruined. Yes... excellent. Excellent indeed.  With renewed confidence, Sir Gareth, calls for an emergency meeting of his advisors at mBS, Inc. He writes one word on the whiteboard before they arrive. "CRBD." The Acquisition After 25 minutes of deliberations, and at his request, his advisors present an acquisition plan. They are puzzled by the requirements they were given but present the plan without voicing these concerns. One never voices concerns to Sir Gareth when job security is important. Massive Balance Sheet Corporation, ("mBS") a wholly owned subsidiary of Gareth Industries, Inc., a publicly held conglomerate in which Sir Gareth holds a majority stake, will acquire Texas based Consumer Reactive Bullet Developers, Inc., "CRBD." An almost unheard of firm far away both geographically and strategically from any of Gareth's other interests. But who would run the company? Neither mBS or Gareth Industries had any experience in ammunition manufacture. That would present no problem at all. Newly anointed Harvard Business School graduate Chad would take the helm. There was silence for a long period until Bill, in the front row began to nod and then uttered the first word. "Yes." Dozens of "Yes"'s followed, and it was decided.  The next day Sir Gareth calls Chad into his office and explains matters. Chad will eventually take the reins over from his father, run Gareth Industries. He will have to prove himself to the Board of Directors first. Fortunately, that opportunity has presented itself. A small ammo company has just been acquired. Chad will be running it. Within a week Chad arrives in Texas at the headquarters of Consumer Reactive Bullet Developers. He immediately begins work. One product under development is Ammunition designed to be non-lethal plastic rounds with increased safety over existing products. Ammunition is for killing, insists Chad. Turn that into something deadly. But the velocity would be screamingly high, the team complains, the round is too light! Put some metal in with the plastic then. Oh, and make it armor piercing, like in that movie with the guy with the muscles. That's a REAL bullet.  One long time manager points this would preclude any military contracts since non-xray visible materials cannot be used in military rounds by treaty. "Fine, someone get me in touch with the secret department of the military. They will find this interesting. And you, guy who told me about the treaty? What's your name? Hoshi? Hoshi, you're fired. Pack your bags. The rest of you, get producing!" Back in his office he begins to think marketing. Chad saw this movie with Steven Segal in it where he shoots a side of beef in his basement when testing his automatic, silenced rifle. Chad gets on the intercom. "We need some videos like that," Chad insists. The order comes down, "Shoot some meat!" The word is out. Chad fires people on a whim. No questions are asked. The videos are produced. The first set of videos disappoints Chad. "You can't see any meat flying or anything." "Well, sir," says the design and research manager, "all the fragmentation and expansion of rounds happens after about 2 inches of penetration. It is under the surface." "What the hell good is that?" Chad demands. How can I sell invisible explosions? "I want those rounds to blow big chunks of meat out at the front and back. Explosive if they have to be, understand? And I want them fast." Here Chad looks into the air and moves his hand along as if tracing a headline in the air, "The fastest bullets made!" Yes. Get on it! As quickly as he arrived, he leaves back to his office. In his office he looks out the window, in the distance is the brick building that houses the plant. On the top in large letters it says, "Consumer Reactive Bullet Developers." "Reactive..." Chad mumbles to himself. "Reactive." He buzzes his secretary. "Get the R&D team in here again." They arrive within minutes. "Guys, what's the name of this company?" "Consumer Reactive Bullet Developers," they dutifully reply. "Where's the reactive bullets?" Chad asks. No one replies. There is a long silence. "None of you dumb asses knows." "Well, Sir," says one of them desperately, "I think it was intended that our company reacts to consumer desires." "That's crap. I want a reactive bullet. I want it on my desk by Monday or you're all fired. How the hell can we have a company named Consumer Reactive Bullet Developers and not have a reactive bullet for the consumer? Get on it," Chad says before dismissing them. Chad is pleased with his first weeks work. Back in the R&D facility, Saturday night no one has any idea how to develop a reactive bullet. They looked at everything from miniature electronics down to a slinky shaped nose on the bullet. Nothing worked and they were out of time. Finally, Albert Hawkings, who had been around the labs a bit longer than anyone else, spoke up. "Ok, I think you guys are ready. Here is my temperature sensitive bullet." He produced a velvet pillow with a standard CRBD bullet on it. "What the hell are you talking about?" asked the second most senior scientist in the lab. "You see," Albert continued, "it senses the temperature of the surrounding medium and reacts to it. Fragments in warm surroundings and punches holes through cold surroundings." The team just stared at him. He cocked his head at them. "It is... our FINEST discovery... right?" Suddenly, recognition. "Riiiight!" Months later controversy surrounds the firm as their weak scientific claims are challenged, even shown to be flawed or outright false. Some claims might actually be proven false. Chad convenes an emergency meeting (he has been loving these lately, they make him feel important). After consulting lawyers and other paid experts a strategy is in place. The firm avoids addressing these flaws by claiming that it is: In the process of filing patents and cannot release data until the filing is complete. Filing an IPO and might have to abide by "quiet period" regulations against discussing the details of products. In the middle of negotiating a huge government contract and executing secrecy agreements that prohibit discussion of these performance metrics. Against company policy against commenting on LEO or military products (despite the fact that they violated this policy in describing the performance in the first place) because "this might put our troops or law enforcement officials in DANGER!"  *well timed gasp from audience*One day a memo appears on Chad's desk. Some poor sap was hit in the left buttcheek with some CRBD ammo that had been snuck overseas and bled his life out. "One shot kill ammo! Definitely!" Chad yelled. "Get marketing in here. I want to rename that bullet!"  Months go by. The first report by Sir Gareth to the Board of Directors is due. What will it reveal...?More to come... |
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All well and good , but it still doesn’t answer the question . I really don’t give a rodents rectum about who Chad is tapping , marketing hype , junk science , moon phases , terminal ballistic studies or wound cavity test in gelatin . I had no plans of popping a cap in anyone’s I was just interested if anyone loaded up a mag and splattered some melons or vaporized a gallon water jug at best .............. At worst it has a case failure , destroys your bolt and blows the remaining rounds out the bottom of the mag sticking 3 of them point first in the top of your left foot where your body heat turns them into metal powder and causes you to get blood poisoning and die  More then likely it will just be another crappy unimpressive ammo that I wont buy again , but I still ordered a couple of boxes to try for myself . But Hey ................ Thanks for the amusing post  |
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Tatjana, We might not agree on some particulars, but that my dear was ART!!!!!! And in the true sense of the discipline. I deeply suspect that you are missing another calling that is much more profitable than pointy things slamming into organic materials. Good ta have ya back. S-28 |
What!?!?!?! I thought that geletin was inorganic, dead, not alive, and never was alive?   You mean I missed the goat testing?Thanks for the great read Tat! |
I think he meant soylent green, not gelatin. |
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Strip it from the bones, soak it in Duponts finest, and then reconstitute the sticky nasty mess and store it in Bru's fridge next to the Ketchup and pot roast...... whatever. It's organic. It draws flies when left to rot. Yes it is a synthetic for our purposes, but it is derived from organic sources. (Just think.... the Organic foods weenies will be happy that not a single LIVING animal was involved, well....directly anyway  )As for the Goats. DOOOOOOD! THAT was cheap shot!!! Nothing French, nor anything to be confused with being of Alpine nature was mentioned!!  I know NOTHING!!!!!!!! Goats ain't humans anyhooo! But the real point, is that Tat, she who has been much too absent from the debate, showed up and delivered a tasty creation that is insightfull AND accurate(Disturbing and somewhat accurate in it's implications when one reads 'tween the lines mind you) satire of a current debate in not only anentertaining manner, but with gobs of tonge in cheek humor. Shades of both Poe and Twain are obviously present, along with gobs of plain ols SNL. The Chick is what she is. Talented. And I for one am glad she chooses to squander her time with us. S-28 |
Where's PSYWAR? |
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