[ARCHIVED THREAD] - How to Tell Where a Cop Works (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 12/13/2010 6:26:23 AM EDT
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This was sent to me and I thought you might get a kick out of it. 
(From a retired cop.) Narcotics -Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to. -Start watching every episode of Monster Garage. -Buy a biker wallet with a big chain. -Make every case involve overtime $$$. -Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime. -Learn to play golf drunk. SWAT -Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday. -Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation. -Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair. -Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod. -Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness. -Learn to play golf wearing a gun. Community Service units -Hate SWAT. -Work to make everybody love you. -Paint your office in pastel colors. -Think Feng Shui. -Subscribe to Psychology Today. -Learn to play miniature golf. Traffic units -Write tickets to EVERYBODY. -Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots. -Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops. -Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day. -Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection. -Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool. K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. Administrative Units -Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting." -Upgrade department cell phone every month. -Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine. -Update your revenge list on a weekly basis. -Golf Rules! Play lots of golf. Patrol Units -Has nerves of steel. -In a terminal state of nausea from department politics. -Inability to keep mouth shut. -Has defining tastes in alcohol. -Is respected by peers. -Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot. FTO -Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear. -Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary. -Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day. Investigators -Come in at 0800. -"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030. -Work from 1030 to Noon. -Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch. -1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip. Patrol Sergeant -Remembers very well "how we used to do do it." -Always willing to tell his officers the above. -Tries to fit the word "liability" in to every sentence. -Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs." Trainee -Unable to grow facial hair. -Watches every episode of Cops. -Worships the ground the SWAT guys walk on. -Arrives for work three hours early. -Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him. -Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance. Feds - Shave head, and grow goatee (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you are clean shaven, with short almost military style haircut). - Wear 5.11 pants, and polo with agency logo (unless you want to be a management weenie, then make sure you always have a shirt and pants to which a jacket and tie can be quickly added for when the boss might be around). - Arrive at work at 8AM, spend one hour answering useless emails, and 30 minutes checking your retirement investments. Then go with another agent to Starbucks "to discuss a new case." - After participating in your first warrant service (as outside cover) make plans to join the agency SRT, SWAT, etc, to "properly utilize your superior tactical skills." - After doing your first buy bust, immediately begin asking the boss about "long term undercover" jobs. - Refuse to play golf with "the locals." New Corrections Officers - Show up for work 15 minutes early. - Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2). - Wear T-Shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform. - Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility. - Become friends with every local police officer. Court Security -Say you don’t want to work patrol anyway, but monitor dispatch channel while in courtroom. -Have Jail and courthouse cafeteria menus memorized. -Have seriously thought of entering law school after sitting through three jury trials. -Consider the Public Defenders’ Christmas party the high point of the year. Defensive Tactics Instructors -Starts stretching before making arrest. -Can spend hours debating the advantages of ASP vs. straight stick. -Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton. -Giggles when a suspect starts to resist. Firearms Instructor - Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?' - Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating. - Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system. - Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend. - Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver. - Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation. |
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You forgot the ROAD.
Retired on active Duty. Makes no traffic stops Refuses to talk to rookies Stands back and lets young guys do heavy lifting Has permanent scowl on face Takes break exactly the same time each night same place Last citation issued during Clinton presidency.
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You forgot the ROAD. Retired on active Duty. Makes no traffic stops Refuses to talk to rookies Stands back and lets young guys do heavy lifting Has permanent scowl on face Takes break exactly the same time each night same place Last citation issued during Clinton presidency. Yep, I knew a couple. 
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Administrative Units
-Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a "meeting." (Sometimes true, especially if the chief is buying....) -Upgrade department cell phone every month. (Are dept. is kind of cheap, only every 6 mo. or so. Caveat, I practically live on the damn thing. Spend more time on it than my office phone.) -Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine. ( I am, 2004 Law & Order magazine ) 
-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis. (Its a short list, all Dems & libtards ) 
-Golf Rules! Play lots of golf. (Hate golf, I go to the range, see Rangemaster below)
Firearms Instructor - Responds to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?' - Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating. - Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system. (Don't drink ) 
- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend. (If I did I would get shot with my own guns ) - Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver. (Glock 26 actually) - Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation. (Huh ?) 
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I know that guy & that guy too!
A good friend is on our counties SO force. I call him TW, for Training Whore. 
If he's not on a call for CSI work he is a) the range training anybody & everybody, b) at the local state school taking a firearms class , c) at the the local state school teaching a CSI class, d) at the local state school taking a CSI class or at the local college teaching a CJ class. His goal is to get as many training & teaching certs as he can to gain a side job somewhere down the line. Not a bad plan. 7mm |
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Quoted: You forgot the ROAD. Retired on active Duty. Makes no traffic stops Refuses to talk to rookies Stands back and lets young guys do heavy lifting Has permanent scowl on face Takes break exactly the same time each night same place Last citation issued during Clinton presidency. A couple of years ago I had to take my sergeants ride on his day off (4x4 explorer) due to a snow storm. I grabbed his ticket book to write a citation and I had to cross the "19__" off of the year...... this was 2008. |
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Quoted: K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. Spending time with our K9 guys (and more specifically thier car) I disagree  |
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K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. Nah, it's true brother. We just don't smell it anymore. My wife still picks my dog's hair off my clothes and then jokingly exclaims "what is thissssss?!?!" and then walks over and matches it to my dog.
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K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. Spending time with our K9 guys (and more specifically thier car) I disagree
OK, a little dog fur from time to time, but the only thing I'd ever smell was coffee and Old Spice. 
Well, the dog did suffer from occasional bouts with flatulence. Yeah –– that's it, the dog had gas –– occasionally .
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K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. Nah, it's true brother. We just don't smell it anymore. Ya, maybe –– but it's worth it! My wife still picks my dog's hair off my clothes and then jokingly exclaims "what is thissssss?!?!" and then walks over and matches it to my dog. You'd better hope so! |
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OK, a little dog fur from time to time, but the only thing I'd ever smell was [span style='color: red;']coffee and Old Spice.  I just threw up in my mouth a little and had a horrible flash back to my third phase of FTO.  I was an FTO. Old Spice is part of the "test". You musta passed!
Very nice looking K-9 in your avatar BTW. Kinda reminds me of my old partner. |
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K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. Nah, it's true brother. We just don't smell it anymore. My wife still picks my dog's hair off my clothes and then jokingly exclaims "what is thissssss?!?!" and then walks over and matches it to my dog.
ETA: a pretty funny list... and all stereotypes are based on a nugget of truth... |
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K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. Im a regular patrol guy and Im lucky enough to have a German Shepard / Belgian Malinois that keeps me around. I might not always smell like a dog, but i always have a bit of her fur or my wifes long red fur-hair on me while im at work. It gives me something to look forward to coming home to. Im not afraid of dog fur. I try to clean off as much off as possible, and i make sure im clean for funerals and going to command and stuff, but if somebody sees a stray dog hair or something im happy to exclaim where it came from. 
Blanket is in place to protect the guilty.
also, Emma's the Friggin bomb. Pizza guy came to the door today and when i opened it he was basically hiding behind my lawn chairs asking where "the dog" was... |
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On sort of the same topic: take a RBT class with a mix of urban and rural officers. Wait til you get to the scenarios. You'll see entirely different tactics used, pretty much split between the rural and urban guys. I think I sort of saw this in my class on special police ops. Most in there were municipal or state.....and here I am, ex military police/intelligence. The two biggest differences? That I would be thinking in terms of confederates, information gatherers, enemy agents acting as hostages until it is time for them to be revealed...................and the others aren't thinking about that at all. The second was the possibility of a police caused death through hand to hand or unarmed means......and the others tended only to think about through guns. About that above.....I suspect that the difference between urban and rural is the difference between specialized and generalized police. I tend to believe in generalized police, those can be on the scene and do a lot, such as a Ranger.........but knowing how much is in the database for this or that operation, I do surrender to the need of specialized police. ______________________________________________________________________________ ("You will have to see the JP on that, Sir."––Sheriff Taylor and when the man demands court, the Sheriff turns his desk sign to show he is the JP, bangs his gavel, and declares court in session, (w,stte), "The Andy Griffith Show") |
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On sort of the same topic: take a RBT class with a mix of urban and rural officers. Wait til you get to the scenarios. You'll see entirely different tactics used, pretty much split between the rural and urban guys. I think I sort of saw this in my class on special police ops. Most in there were municipal or state.....and here I am, ex military police/intelligence. The two biggest differences? That I would be thinking in terms of confederates, information gatherers, enemy agents acting as hostages until it is time for them to be revealed...................and the others aren't thinking about that at all. The second was the possibility of a police caused death through hand to hand or unarmed means......and the others tended only to think about through guns. About that above.....I suspect that the difference between urban and rural is the difference between specialized and generalized police. I tend to believe in generalized police, those can be on the scene and do a lot, such as a Ranger.........but knowing how much is in the database for this or that operation, I do surrender to the need of specialized police. Urban guys act as if they'll have a dozen cars as backup in seconds, which they do. Rural guys act as if backup is thirty minutes away, which it is. They base their tactics on those differing realities. |
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On sort of the same topic: take a RBT class with a mix of urban and rural officers. Wait til you get to the scenarios. You'll see entirely different tactics used, pretty much split between the rural and urban guys. I think I sort of saw this in my class on special police ops. Most in there were municipal or state.....and here I am, ex military police/intelligence. The two biggest differences? That I would be thinking in terms of confederates, information gatherers, enemy agents acting as hostages until it is time for them to be revealed...................and the others aren't thinking about that at all. The second was the possibility of a police caused death through hand to hand or unarmed means......and the others tended only to think about through guns. About that above.....I suspect that the difference between urban and rural is the difference between specialized and generalized police. I tend to believe in generalized police, those can be on the scene and do a lot, such as a Ranger.........but knowing how much is in the database for this or that operation, I do surrender to the need of specialized police. Urban guys act as if they'll have a dozen cars as backup in seconds, which they do. Rural guys act as if backup is thirty minutes away, which it is. They base their tactics on those differing realities. Everybody at work used to think I was nuts when I was in traffic enforcement and went out on patrol by myself.
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K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. It's true. You guys smell like dog. But it's ok we understand. |
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K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. It's true. You guys smell like dog. But it's ok we understand. I love the smell of dog in the morning ......... Smells like ––- VICTORY! |
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I once saw a T-Shit that had a K-9 emblazoned on the front with the following words on the back:
When citizens are in trouble, they call the police. When the police are in trouble, they call SWAT. When SWAT is in trouble, they call K-9. I'd love to find a place where I could buy that shirt.
ETA: Found a place to get the shirt.
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Narcotics -Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to. -Start watching every episode of Monster Garage. -Buy a biker wallet with a big chain. -Make every case involve overtime $$$. -Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime. -Learn to play golf drunk. Guilty...
Not true narcotics, funky bunch plainclothes street crimes unit, but still... |
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Pretty f'ing accurate! LMAO J- No it's not! I don't have a chain on my wallet. Yet. After 4 years in this gig, I think I'm safe on that count. How about AC/DC tshirts, hoodies, tennis shoes and cheap sunglasses?
Yeah, ya got me on those, though I don't wear sunglasses very often. |
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K-9 Units -Become sadistic. -Show pictures of your latest dog bite. -Brag about your largest drug find. -Smell like a dog. -Workout 3 times a day. -Show off your bruises. As a former K-9 type, I feel that the part in red is an unwarranted stereotype. It's true. You guys smell like dog. But it's ok we understand. The truck may stink, the bite suit may smell, and the sleeve has a strange odor. The tennis balls may have a funky smell too, but I have NEVER smelled like dog!!! I have smelled like a bite suit or scratch pants.
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