Posted: 2/26/2008 4:36:28 PM EDT
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Things aren't going good and I don't know how to even bring it up. My wife and I have been together since we were 17. I am turning 29 this year. I am completely unhappy at home and don't know how to even bring it up. I know I am hurting her because of how I am feeling (always moody, never mean, but moody and just generally unhappy). We don't have much in common and have had opposite schedules for years. She recently became a teacher and has a normal schedule and is home a LOT more. I don't feel that I know her anymore and don't think I want to stay here anymore. How in the heck do you tell someone that you love them but aren't in love with them anymore? |
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Sorry if you really didn't want to hear from a guy. But let me tell you this. Been There! Done That! Yet I am a lucky SOB and still married to my wife come this July for 30 years. It seems to be a spell that some people go through from time to time. You don't say anything at this time to make me feel that your wife feels the same way. So, I am going to presume this is YOUR problem and not hers. Do you feel like marriage should be cheap and a throw away when one person feels that it has been sucked dry and no long worth the trouble? I dont mean to be sounding like I am picking on you. Just trying to get your attention to think about it for a minute. I am not expecting you to reply, just think about it for a few minutes. Ok, lets say she has not been giving you the attention you need or want. Could it be because you have not done something. When was the last time that you on a spur of the moment taken her out to dinner, or the movies? Is sex, wham, bam, thank you mam? And in my case I just got into a funk and really it was more with my carrier than my wife. But I just wanted some excitement in my life. Do you really think that there is greener grass in someone else's back yard? When I stopped and thought about it, the answer is NO. I got my head out of my ass and realized that my wife has stood by me when others would have taken off. I am a Christan so forgive me if you are not, when I say I will pray for you and your wife. Be a Shame that if you throw away 12 yrs of your life. |
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I've been in her shoes once before, and believe me, you don't have to say it. She knows you're not happy being with her, even if she doesn't let on. The unreturned feelings are palpable. Don't bullshit her. Find a time when you two can sit down and talk, and try to figure out where you both want to go from here. Figuring out how you got here can be a opening to blaming and unproductive conversation, so just focus on the future for right now. I hope that you don't have children, as it's pretty damned difficult to explain why daddy just doesn't want to be part of the family anymore. (no more on that - all I've got is rant to offer.) I'm open to IMs if you want to talk more, but I do want to say that "being happy" has nothing to do with having things in common. Love is a choice, and so is happiness. If you can't find it where you are when nothing's really wrong, you'll never have it. |
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I agree that I am sure your wife already knows you are unhappy in the marriage. That is not something you can hide. She probably is just hoping whatever is wrong will pass with time. I think you need to find a time when you can have a honest and open conversation with her about the situation and find out what you both want. Maybe go to some counseling! I too was married young and after 10+ years of marriage my husband wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. We worked on it for 2 years before we decided that it was over. At least I felt I did all I could to try to make it work. Truefully I am happier now but it wasn't an easy road to get here. My advice to you is to make sure you've done all you can to make it work and then if you still feel like it is over than you go your separate ways. Good luck! |
good advice |
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On this very board, I read a post from a man who said that he had fallen in and out of love with his wife at least 4 times in their 25-30+ years of marriage. It's just something that happens- LIFE happens. You just need to make sure that you don't BOTH fall out of love at the same time. It sounds like working opposite schedules for so long made you two grow apart. That doesn't mean you can't grow back together again. And I'm not talking just counselling. If you don't want to bring it up with her right now, do this... Make a list of all of the things you loved about her when you were at the beginning. When (for lack of a better phrase) your passion was at its hottest. All those great qualities that she has that made you marry her in the first place. Then make an effort to rediscover those great things about her. Woo her all over again. Even if you're not really feeling it, go through the motions for now. Send her some flowers for no reason at all. Make her a nice dinner as a surprise. Take her on some romantic dates. Take her on some fun and immature dates where you two will just laugh and be goofy (miniature golf comes to mind....) Like the other ladies above have already pointed out, she already KNOWS you've become distant. Once that happens, she'll become more distant, then you, then her, and it's just a cycle that won't end until there's NOTHING. If she sees that you're making an effort to make her happy, and spice things up again, then it could change her outlook, and you never know-- you may just see that girl you fell in love with all over again. Marriages are work, but so very worth it. (Now I wish my hubby was home tonight so I could go tackle him.....) (edited for speeelling) |
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My husband and I have been married for 9 years this July, together for 12 in Dec. He works graves for the past 4 years, and before our first child he worked erratic "on-call" hours doing security. We take every moment (with ground rules) to talk out things. One rule of course is no talking "serious" before bedtime or him going to work (I am at home with the kids BTW) and try to keep it away from the kids. IOW, there is a time and place for discussing bills and our sex life! But when there is "down" time, like the tv is on and we are both awake and sitting next to each other, we talk about anything that comes up...SHTF scenarios, dreams, even what is happening at that moment (like something the dog or the kids do.) We also talk about whatever little thought comes in our heads. Essentially, keep communication open. You might feel bored, or out of touch, but it does tend to work itself out, IF you keep at it. We made that promise to each other a long time ago. I am 100% sure she is aware of something bothering you, if you two haven't discussed any feelings yet. If you find it hard to tell her your feelings about the relationship (make sure it isn't any other issue, like work, emotional hangups from your past, etc) then write a letter to her. It is corny sounding, but sometimes it is easier to just write it down, then let the other read it at their own time. Plus you can make sure it is not attacking (NEVER say "you do this," or "you never do that" but state I feel _____when you______.) It will take both of you coming together to talk about this and decide what is worth holding onto, and remember why you both married each other in the first place. Every once in awhile, I still ask my husband, especially when I get bogged down with stress between school, kids, and my own hormones! Just a couple pennies for ya! |
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There has already been some great advice posted I am just going to restate some of it. I am not married but I do understand that marriage is work and I see through my grandparents marriage of 55+ years that the hard work pays off. Also... as you and your wife age the both of you will change. That is why I believe you should never stop dating your partner. to me a dating process is learning about the other and getting to know what you like and what you do not like. If you feel that you do not even know your wife anymore, start dating her again. I know it sounds silly Something that I have learned myself is build a friendship with someone because most likely the spark of love and passion will fade at times and what will be left between you and your partner if there is no friendship. I fully believe that marriage should be built with a foundation of friendship first and foremost. I hope that you and your wife will work things out. Don't throw in the towel so soon and call it quits. Best of luck and lots of prayers. |
+1 Marriage takes a LOT of friggin work, but definitely pays off. This is really great advice, especially on the friendship and the dating  Try to hang in there and work things out, if you can get through this time in your marriage, you will both come out stronger for it
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one of the best things to do is to get the kids out of the house if (there are kids) move all things breakable away from the central area, place tissues, a towel, and sit face to face. then have a brutally honest night. don't suger coat your words, women are alot tougher then you guys think. tell her exactly how you feel and in YOUR words. if she truely loves you she will respect you for it and she will tell you what is on her mind and heart. trust me it wont be done in one night but it can be the start. it will hurt and feelings will be hurt, but sometimes you have to worry a wound before new growth can happen *the towel is to keep the hands busy and fidget with and keep from strangleing * |
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Breaking topic just for a minute. BH I dont know if you know it or not. But thanks for putting better words to what in part I was trying to say. I am just a typical guy and brutal forward without some of the good full thoughts that you used. From my experience it took my wife and I 10 yrs before we got into a groove were fights became far and between. I think you ladies gave some good advice, a few comments I did not agree with, but by far and large good advice. I hope that the OP is taking good notes. Max |
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Okay, I'll reply with my.02's worth. My husband and I have been almost 25 years. Every marriage has it's ups and downs. When we first married we were both in the service, we worked weird schedules. I basically worked a straight swing, and he worked 6 and 2. 6 days on 2 days off rotating days swings mids. We made the time for each other. what ever days we had off together were precious and we made the most of them. I got out of the service and he was still in working weird shifts. We also worked together in the same shop so our rule was work stayed at work, and home stayed at home. We very seldom fight, but we do discuss things. Relationships change and sometimes one or the other is carrying a good amount of the work in the relationship. It happens, but you talk to each other and work it out. We also took our vows seriously and our marriage was never a Oh well it's not working so lets divorce type of thing. We early on made it clear that, that was not an option. You just have to decide whether your marriage is worth fighting for and working at it. Communication is key, even if you work different shifts. Take the time to be together and actually talk to each other.What ever is going on at the time. Hope it works out for you both. Life is full of ups and downs, and it is coming out of it together united that makes you stronger. |
Excellent advice! The "spice" doesn't just stay there automatically, you have to stoke the fire. She can feel that you have withdrawn, and will react accordingly. The COL and I are running some INSANE schedules right now between the Army and the Guard, and we spend a LOT of time apart. It would be so easy to drift away from each other if we let it happen. Instead, we make sure to have US time - we go on dates, and take a honeymoon a month, even if it's as simple as just spending a night in Ft Worth. With some effort on your part, you can make her sparkle again, and that re-connection with the girl you fell in love with could make you realize you want to stay. You two have a long time invested in this marriage, and I think you should give it a real shot before you walk away. Good luck!!! |
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All I will say, having been on the receiving end is this 1. Don't wait 7 months and tell her Christmas night 2. Don't do it by leaving a note on the table (her original plan) 3. Don't make up your mind to leave with out trying to work it out Most of mine and my exs problems were stuff we probably could have worked out. She held it in never said anything decided she was leaving. Two months (October) later she said this stuff bothers me---3 months later (Christmas night) she told me she was leaving. When asked she admitted things had gotten better (even saying the last month had been great) but she had decided to leave in August so she was gone----screw the last 9 and a half years or the sacrifices made----and she can't figure out why I am just a little bitter. Basically, people can change lose track of each other just talk about it with her and try to work it out. If you can great if not then at least you went about it like adults and shouldn't have as many regrets or as much resentment. |
| We are in counseling. We are communicating better...however, I am not living at home right now. I moved into a spare bedroom at my brother's house. We both realized that for the past couple of years, we have made better friends than spouses. There were many, many issues that we were both dealing with that neither of us had told the other about. I don't know where the path is leading, but we are on it. |