Posted: 10/3/2006 7:55:26 AM EDT
|
Ladies, I'm in need of an impartial opinion on an issue I'm having on the dating scene, so I thought I would consult the wise women of Arfcom for an opinion. Here goes: I have two friends who will be known as “Mary” and “Jane” for the purposes of this discussion. We've been friends (on and off) for about a year now, but have only recently (several months ago) started hanging out on a regular basis. Mary and Jane have been best friends for years, so much so that one would almost consider them sisters. As I've stated earlier the three of us have since been hanging out on a regular basis, I've been to both their apartments for dinner numerous times, and they've been over my place for dinner (Yes! Men can cook). We flirt with each other all the time, and always enjoy each other's company. Both of them are extremely beautiful, have great personalities, are outgoing, successful, and a pleasure to be with. They've both been involved in past relationships with men, but are currently not seeing anybody. Although I would be thrilled to go out with either of them on a personal level, I am interested in Jane more so than Mary. This is primarily because I have more in common with her than Mary. Jane and I run together, like to cycle, listen to the same type of music, and share the same general philosophy on life. Just when I decided that I was going to ask Jane out two weeks ago, and hopefully take our relationship to the next level, that's when it all happened.....At almost the exact same time (before I even started to move in on Jane) Jane started to very quietly and politely (and subtly I might add) 'distance' herself from Mary and I. Things like leaving early so that Mary and I would be left alone, or sit next to Mary vice next to me, etc. I'm sure you get my drift. As I'm sure you've already guessed, at about the same time Mary has started to put the moves on me. To say that I'm flattered would be an understatement, and by no means would I be turning down Mary if not for the fact that I'm more into Jane. Me thinks the two of them are in collusion and the decision has been made. After all, they talk to each other on a daily basis, and rarely do they not hang out together. So, therein lies the gist of my problem. If I turn down Mary, me thinks I'm going to screw myself as I know Jane would also take offense. If, on the other hand, I turn down Mary and move ahead with asking Jane out, I'm screwed again..Any chance of salvaging this mess, or are my chances with Jane (who I ultimately want to be with) history and already decided as such by the two of them?...The kicker is I really don't want to lose either of them as friends as I enjoy their company, and they're really good people....Talk to me ladies. Your advice would be greatly appreciated. |
|
My advice is to go slow with Jane even if you're more attracted to Mary. First of all since Jane is interested in you you do not have a chance with Mary right now. Second of all you never know, you might be more compatable with Jane than you realize. Sometimes opposites really do attract. Furthermore, if you are all good friends if Jane realizes that you're more interested in Mary she might help open a door for you once she sees your relationship isn't working out with her. Oh and good luck, you're going to need it. Patty |
No, the gist of the problem is that, like Chris Rock likes to say, "Men don't have platonic friends...merely women we haven't slept with, YET!" And in true ARFCOM tradition, you want both. Women like to think that if you are with us, all other women are DEAD to you. Yeah, it's stupid and unreal, but it's what we like to think (esp in the beginning). We want to know that WE are what trip your trigger, no OTHER. So ask the one out that you like the most. If you try to get both, you will be seen as a scumbag and treated accordingly. |
 Thanks for the advice, but perhaps you misread what I wrote. Although I did say that both women are beautiful, successful, and any man wouldn't hesitate to go out with either of them, I am only interested in one of them. |
|
ChrisLe, I was in this same position several years ago, so while I'm not one of the ladies, I'll share my experience. I was good friends with Dawn and Karma, who lived together. Dawn was a bit off the wall but fun to be around. Karma was a single mom, but otherwise much more my type. Well, go figure, Dawn starts flirting with me just as I was trying to let Karma know of my interest. In fact, it seems that upon seeing that I had some interest in Karma, Dawn really becomes more aggressive. Well, the day comes that Dawn demands to know why I wasn't being more responsive to her advances. I gently but directly explained to her that I had feelings for her roommate. Dawn essentially brushed that explanation off and insisted that I give her (Dawn) a chance. So, being the fool that I was, and since Karma hadn't yet shown any significant interest in me yet, I decided to give it a shot with Dawn. Everything was great at first, with Dawn being pretty darn aggressive with me.  However, within two weeks Dawn went from an attentive girlfriend to psycho bitch. I mean totally unstable. Now, when I commit to a relationship I really commit and try to see it through. So I tried to see what I could do to make things work, which didn't help a thing.Finally Karma calls me one day to go out for desert and chat. She tells me of how Dawn is upset at me because I had told her that I was interested in Karma.  I explained to Karma how I had been up front with Dawn about my feelings, and also explained that when I chose to commit to a relationship with Dawn I commited 100%, whatever my earlier feelings had been.So in the end it was simply a mess. Dawn was psycho (relationship didn't last long as you can guess) and my chances with Karma were shot to hell because of the situation with Dawn. That particular well was essentially poisoned. So, ChrisLe, take from my example what you will. Personally, I think that you're chances are fouled-up, unless Mary is an extraordinarilly understanding woman.  Good luck. |
Sadly, I kind of know it will turn into a mess, and all you did was reinforce that feeling. |
Thanks, Patty. Unfortunately I'm not interested in even going out with Jane, the one that is currently very interested in me.
 No kidding....
|
|
You are awfully close to making a huge mess with these women. I'd suggest that you back away from any romantic involvement with either of them for a while. Try to do it as subtly as you can so you don't hurt any feelings, and only directly address your lack of romantic desire if you absolutely must. I really would NOT reccomend that you tell Mary that you are interested in Jane, nor that you tell Jane you aren't interested in Mary. Doing that can only lead to disaster. Mary may or may not actually be interested in you, but if you respect her (and it sounds like you do), you won't want to waste her time. She doesn't deserve to be with someone who "settled" for her. Jane may be using her friend to block your advances. It's an easy out for a girl so she doesn't have to lose a friend by saying "no". If she is aware of your interest (and she probably is), her placing her friend between the 2 of you is a pretty good sign that she isn't ready for anything more than friendship, but she doesn't want to hurt you by saying that. This won't be an easy thing for you to do, and there is nothing wrong with backing out all together if it is too much. It's up to you to decide if you want to keep both of these women as friends, wait it out to see if Jane comes around, or cut your losses and bow out gracefully. |
 Sad experience tells me that what cat_aclysm says is very possible. It explains why I was so jaded towards women for so long. There are few things I despise more in a woman than manipulative behavior. Then again, I'm not a fan of manipulative men, either. |
|
|
You have two options: 1. Nip the thing with Mary in the bud right now. Don't lead her on in any way, b/c you'd just be settling, like Cat said. Tell Mary and Jane that you have feelings for Jane, and see where that takes you. Either way, one of them is going to be hurt, and you're essentially pitting one agains the other. It doesn't matter the intention. Odds of ruining friendships here: 85% 2. Back away from both of them and keep the friendships platonic. Sit them both down and explain to them that you value the friendship between the three of you and you wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. The girls aren't 'competing' for you now, and no resentment has come up. Odds of ruining friendships here: 5%. You still have to deal with the 'what ifs', though, that's the downfall. |
|
Oh, fun and ironic sidenote: I found out about a year later that my brother-in-law (who married my younger sister) had also dated Dawn and dumped her for being psycho-woman even before I dated or knew her!  Then, just months after I moved away to go back to the University, my dad became the bishop over the single's congregation where both Dawn and Karma attended church! I was talking with my dad one day and asked him about Dawn, and if she still attended his congregation. "Oh yeah," dad said, "she teaches the gospel doctrine class." I just about fell over laughing. I remarked on how crazy she was and he got worried, "you mean that I have an unstable person teaching Gospel Doctrine?" Me: "Don't worry, Dad, she's just psycho in relationships. She's probably fine for teaching in Sunday school." 
|
|
cat_aclysm and SP1Girl, Thank you very much for your advice. Both of you are reiterating to me what I've been thinking about over these last few days. I do not want to lead Mary on, and, most importantly, I most definitely want to keep them both as friends. You're right in that I will just have to let Mary know that I'm interested in only being friends in as subtle and gentle a manner as I can.I'll also avoid telling her about how I feel about Jane. After all, if that is meant to be it will happen on its own accord. If not, so be it.....I would much rather keep them both as friends rather than lose one of both of them.....Thanks again... |
My bad...call it reading between the lines with a cynical eye.
|
I think she's hit the nail on the head. Also, something I haven't seen mentioned regarding your interest in Jane: You stated in the original post that you think they seem to have mapped something out here, they talk everyday.......they have. If Jane is fostering a relationship between you and Mary, she may not be aware if your affections and/or it may not be mutual. It is clear that Mary is interested and Jane has endorsed it by her actions. Your friendship is priority, talk to the both together...be passive, but get the cards on the table. I would side step your desire to be with Jane altogether atleast right now. |
|
I don't know the intimate workings of your situation, but my intuition (which is seldom wrong) tells me that Jane is not into you, not romantically....or she wouldn't have relenquished a shot at you to Mary. I suspect Jane is well aware that you're available to her, few women don't catch the "he wants me" vibe. So, if she hasn't pursued it and has let her friend move ahead of her, she's not interested in it. Just my opine. If I'm right, you're 100% fucked, unless you settle on Mary (not suggested). In that scenario, I wouldn't date or become romantic with Mary, or Jane. Seek happiness elsewhere. Let us know how it turns out. |