Posted: 7/4/2006 6:54:04 PM EDT
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Dear Ladies: I've been married for 22 yrs faithfully, 4 boys, two in a good college, my Tool& die shop is rolling, and my wife is always on the verge of tears. Everybody is healthy and no fighting. I am so happy with life and the missus [42], me 48, really love each other. She had her hormones tested [good], now they have her on Wellbutrin[antidepressant] for about a week. Our boy's work at the state park as lifeguareds during the summer about 5 miles from the house, and she cries when they leave in the morning. She had a horrible upbringing which I always keep in consideration and adjust for. Her mood swings use to go from normal to "Let's fuck", now it's from normal to let's cry. ... She got bit by a bunch of chiggers [little ass bugs] the other day, so I bought her a babypool and filled it with sea salt and water, gave her a glass of wine, turned on some good vibes, and let her read. Dame, if I was not the source of all troubles before the hour ended. I am aware yall think differently and have issues males don't, I am just trying to figure out how to get my girl back. Thanks, Michael P.S., Scarface, scarhead were takin and I got fed up. A wee knife fight when I was 19 up in Yankeeland. |
| Thanks for the reply, everyday she focuses on something that brings her down. When the son's are round she perks up, or puts on a face. Our sex was fantastic and I can still tease her into coming, even when she says she does'nt want to. Coming is good, right?I am totally losing track of how to treat her. This maybe why guys cheat, but I will not. Michael |
| She started working afew years ago when the last kiddo went to grammer school, she now runs an election office. I take her shopping everytime I can talk her into it. She got mad at me the last time I took her on vacation because I wanted to buy her some $ earrings. I KNOW she was sexually abused by some family members. Yes, to the 2nd ?, I miss making [good]love BAD. |
Has she been through therapy for this issue? If not, there's a whole fucking boatload of problems that will not abate....and I would guarantee are at the root of her problems with mood/sex/stability. You have to understand, that sexual abuse HARDWIRES women for unhealthy impulses, and gives them hypersexuality and or sexual-shutdown. Letting that go, trying to medicate it away, or pretending it didn't happen will result in a very confused, bitter, or depressed woman and those around her. If you haven't dealt with that, and only that before, you are fighting a losing battle - and for the sake of your wife forget about your hard-on until she's got a handle on her trauma because it sounds like it's still eating away at her. |
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I'm so sorry your wife is going through such a bad time. I agree with Swingset's advice that, if she's dealing with the issues you say she is, she probably needs more help than the antidepressants can give her. Do you think she would be open to counselling of some sort? |
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I'm gonna suggest something here that may not go over well... Have her tested fro Bi-Polar disorder. Often it is mis-diagnosed as depression because the "down" is what people focus on. Sounds to me she's got some serious shifts between the highs and lows and that is a HUGE indicator. Just my TOTALLY UNEDUCATED non-expert opinion.... But she sounds ALOT like a close family member who suffered from the disorder. Good Luck |
As far as taking her shopping and buying her things: you need to understand that women are not that simple. If she's depressed, doing something like that won't help and may make things worse for you. From your posts, it sounds like you lack even a basic understanding of what it is that makes your wife happy, and perhaps an hour a week with a counsellor could help you with that. |
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From doing the math, I wonder if she isn't the right age for peri-menopause (the hormonal fluctuations before actual cessation of menses). When they say her hormones are "good" does that mean her hormones are naturally within "normal range" or is she on any artificial hormones, even birth control pills? A high estrogen level can induce the crying jags. And in my totally unproffessional opinion, too high of estrogen levels are considered 'normal' by the medical pofession these days. Menopausal and peri-menopausal women are often given artificial estrogen that itself induces depressionand crying jags. During peri-menopause a woman's hormones typically shift a lot. She may naturally "even out" within a couple of years, if that is what is going on. You did not describe her weight, but women with a high body fat percentage have a lot rougher time of it than lean women. Estrogen produces fat, and in turn fat produces estrogen. If she is overweight, she will likely feel improvement from losing weight. Antidepressants do some people some good sometimes. And occassionally a lot of good. but if we think back over the course of human history, they are a modern invention and people got along without them. I consider them a bandaid. You are describing the symptoms of moderate depression. (With deepest depression, one cannot cry at all). Been there done that. How does SHE feel about her crying jags? Is she concerned about them, or does she stonewall that nothing is wrong? Everyone is quick to recommend counselling... and I am not going to un-recommend it. But my subjective observation is that modern counselling and psychiatry perpetuate a 'Victim Mentality'. I get the feeling that she has always been a quality woman, not a borderline personality drama queen. This may not be popular advise but it comes from first hand experience: Do not give her sympathy. It only encourages dependance and not facing the real problems. Compassion? Fellow feeling? Yes, tons of it. She is a human being in pain. But she has a problem that needs solved; Not pity. She may simply need a counsellor or spiritual advisor (preferably female) with whom she can unburden her soul. Keep us posted. Some of us have been in similiar situations, and We Care. |
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I'm very un supportative of therapy myself as well. I have never seen one do any good for anyone and about 90% of the people I'm associated with has or is in therapy. I don't think the woman's problems is her past issues of abuse [more info on her 'symptoms'] are needed. I think [again with the little info provided] she's in a rut, is pre menopausal and needs to get focused on what she wants to do with herself the rest of her life. She needs to be focusing on positive things to improve the quality of her life. Education, Hobbies, Friends, Goals. We mothers tend to devote all our time and energy in our children and when they no longer need us forget that there is more to life than our children. Again I could easily be wrong with my interpretation given the little info at hand. Patty |
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This reminds me of experiences with my wife. For a couple of years I was walking on eggshells because it seemed that anything could send my wife into a hysterical crying fit. We could be discussing politics and suddenly she'd go off. It was so random at times that I felt like I was going crazy. Whenever it happened, the more I tried to help her, the more I was the "bad guy." She'd say things like, "I'm afraid when you're angry at me." Me, "Sweetheart, I'm not angry. Why are you afraid? Do you think I would ever hurt you?" Her, "I can't handle you being angry!" Me, "Honey, I promise that I'm not angry. What are you afraid of?" Her, "I'm afraid that you're going to leave (divorce) me!" Me, "I'm not going to leave you. I love you." Her, "We need better communication!" Me,  "OK, that's what I'm trying to do right now."Then she'd suggest that we have pent up issues that we needed to "communicate" about, though she could never explain what they were. She'd insist that she needs "validation" and beat me over the head with that word over and over, though I could never understand what she needed validating other than the fact that I was somehow a poor communicator. Wife had a history of clinically diagnosed and medicated depression, but insisted that depression wasn't the problem anymore. Major denial. Counseling was a joke, because despite my suggestion that depression was a factor the counselor refused to seriously consider the possibility, and in the end I jumped through "communication" hoops for half a year with absolutely zero improvement in my wife's moodswings. In the end I learned that the best way to difuse the problem was to simply excuse myself once the crying fit began. I'd tell her that I needed to go for a drive for an hour and I'd be back once she'd gotten control of herself. Somehow that seemed to work like a magic charm. For some reason, my temporary absense was all it took to avoid the downward spiral. Fortunately, after about two years of this behavior her hormones/chemical balance seemed to correct itself and we haven't really had much of a problem ever since. |
You don't think past sexual abuse is part of her current mental state? Are you kidding? Not trying to be an ass here, but do some research.....spend 5 minutes talking to a rape counselor on the long term effects of sexual and emotional abuse. It's pretty much a rock solid guarantee of depression, anxiety, unhealthy sexual choices and even further mental disorders.....even years later. Counseling doesn't work for deep psychological issues if you're expecting it to "heal" you like a shot. It works, however, when you're 100% willing to address the causes of your unhappiness, and start living a healthier mental and physical lifestyle. It's very hard, and takes concerted effort from the patient and those around them. Together with seeking physical solutions to what could be a real phsyiological problem, people can and do get better. You haven't known anyone for whom therapy worked? Well, that's nice. I haven't met anyone who survived cancer, personally. Should I advise that people don't seek treatment for that? In any case, her present condition might be exacerbated by hormones, menopause, stress or just good old depression - but I know there are some bad issues in her past that are still chewing away....and have probably been ignored. |
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swingset, I honestly do not believe that her prior abuse is her problem now. I know from experience how it all works. I could be wrong but my take on the matter is that if she was going to have problems from it she would have always had problems with it. I don't buy into the crap that people surpress them and blah blah blah. People deal with them and move on. They might rerear their ugly heads now and then and people need to readdress them but hours of counseling, therapy, accupuncture, drugs, electric shock nothing helps except for the person to come to the understanding that a: It wasn't their fault and b: its not going to do any good to dwell on it. She might not have rationalized it as simply as I put it above but if she's been a loving devoted mother and wife for the past 20 odd years than she's dealt with it. Now she has time and energy to go back and refocus? Why? What good will it do? She needs to let it go and focus on something positive - herself. Patty |
An additional problem with sexual abuse (especially if in childhood) is that it not only can help trigger various mental disorders, but often completely fucks up the ability of the abused women to choose partners in the future - and they often tend to be attracted to controlling or abusive men.  (Some people refer to childhood sexual abuse as "the gift that keeps on giving" because the effects can stay in families for generations, with continuing cycles of abuse - which is why child sexual abusers should be executed without exception, because they destroy lives).The problem with "therapy" is that so many snake-oil salesmen and shysters have convinced the average insecure person that they can benefit from it, that it has (rightfully so) made people skeptical of it, when there are real benefits for people who have suffered serious sexual abuse. More on-topic, here's hoping this is a hormonal/menopausal thing, and things will eventually make their way back to "normal". Maybe having the kids spend more time with her will help? |
I hope you don't mind the small edit. |
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Everything said here about child sexual abuse is ever so true, I am a myself a survivor. But let us look back at ScarButt's post:
We may be presuming too much, as the bad influences in childhood are unspecified. "Horrible upbringing" is all that is specified, and that can entail a lot of things. We survivors of sexual abuse tend to become either promiscuous or prudish... and I opted for the prudish, by far the safer, saner alternative. Would Mrs ScarButt feel comfortable with you telling us more about her early experiences? |
A few posts down, he said:
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My mistake, Cat. Sorry, I should have read more closely. Then the early trauma has most definitely affected her. At least she has not gone the promiscuous route. No one endures such a thing without intense scarring of the soul. It is a tribute to her character that she has held up so well for so long. Be glad that those tears are now emerging. I for one wish that I could cry. Honor your wife for her strength of character. |