Posted: 6/9/2005 6:44:41 AM EDT
I don't want this to become a woe is me thread but I was nagging my husband's butt last night  about being more attentive to me and he claims real guys don't pay attention to their wives. Now I know that's BS but I really have no idea what typical marriages/relationships are like. My role models weren't really the best.I try everyday to do something special for my husband. Usually nothing major and probably he doesn't even notice many [although he complains when they stop!] However he will go days with out even talking to me. A few months ago I asked him to try to do a couple of things a month but still zip. So please, what's normal? How often does your husband do something specific for you to show you he cares? Patty |
| For us,we talk all the time. We have always worked as a TEAM, and really not seperate. We do little things for each other,which probably wouldn't mean much to anyone else. My husband helps with just about everything,cooking,cleaning,laundry,grocery shopping,etc. Our relationship is always looking out for each other ,and doing things for each other. We don't have to do everything together,because we do have our own interests. We do have good communication with each other. My husband doesn't like conflict,so we try to resolve things before they really blow up. It also may not work for you. It has worked for us for almost 22 years. |
Interesting, I would have never thought narcissism as my brother is diffinately narcistic and most likely my father is as well and my husband is diffinately different from them. I did the survey and of course this was me answering for my husband and he scored a 60 out of a 100 and received a narcissistic-aggressive rating. So are there meds for this?? Patty *ETA* Mrs.WildWeasle I am happy and slightly envious for you. That sounds perfect. |
| The funny thing is alot of our friends try to psycho analyze us and want our marriage too,but unless both of you want the same thing it isn't going to work. I knew what I wanted in a relationship,but I also grew up with one of the most dysfunctional families,and knew I did not want that. Alot helps because my husband and I had alot of the same beliefs in what we wanted. It works for us,and won't necessarily work for someone else. We are also friends,and our relationship started out as us working together too in the military. I wish you luck. For us communication is a big key. |
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Well that makes sense. The thing is that when we were first married I wouldn't say we were as connected as you and your husband but we diffinately were best friends. We went hunting together, shooting, when I had to meet a client he would come with me. Last few years I've been pushed out. Patty |
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I agree. Ignoring someone is very damaging to a relationship. Will he agree to counceling? If not, would he agree to starting up a monthly date night at least for starters? It would be beneficial to find a way to become connected again, even if it takes baby steps at first...but yes, both people need to want to work at it. Otherwise, it will be a fruitless battle... |
Aww Patty, I'm sorry to hear that.  No it's not normal and he's fooling himself if he really believes real men ignore their wives. I don't understand why he'd rather spend his life like an old grouch when he could be spending it happily married. Do you know when about this started happening and what was going on in your lives when he started to change? Or has it just been a gradual thing- him becoming more and more removed as time wore on? |
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I've asked him about the monthly date nights and he's fine with that as long as I do all the work [decide what to do, make plans, make arrangements for the kids and pay for it] I've tried to show him simple things that do not cost money [send the kids to his mothers and go shooting for example] but he will not make the initiative himself. I will ask him about counseling. I doubt it but to be fair I haven't asked. The problem is HE's happy. Anyway, like I said I don't want to get into a woe is me tid bit - I just interested in knowing what is typical so I don't feel so guilty for one thing for wanting it! Patty *ETA* it started about 3 years ago. I think it started when he had his heart trouble. He had to have surgery to correct a problem in his heart. he spent the summer in the hospital because of it. It was scary to say the least but over all not the worst thing to have happen [there was a scare of stroke but his heart itself was fine]. His heart started acting up a few weeks ago but has corrected itself. 
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Geez, what a control freak. Of course he's happy, patty. He has you to do everything for him. He walks all over you, and you let him. As long as you let him treat you like a doormat, he'll keep doing it. Stand up for yourself and MAKE him do things. Make him understand that a marriage is a partnership...If your marriage is going to work, BOTH of you have to try. If he's complacent and thinks everything is fine, then you need to drag his butt to therapy. It sometimes takes an objective person to get through to people. Good luck, hon.  ETA: My hubby and I both work from home, so we spend almost all of our time together. The beauty of it is that he does his work and I do mine during the day. We don't have too much interaction with each other while working. He does little things for me that let me know he loves me, and vice versa. When I've had a bad day or am terribly stressed out, he usually comes to the rescue and does anything in his power to calm me and smooth things over. We still have a ways to go, but it's getting better every day. |
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Thanks for the support and input SP1Grrl. its difficult to say the least. the problem is its going to be a 2 hour drive at least to go to a dern counsiler and I have little faith in them but I am willing to try. I was going to leave him this summer to give him an idea of what he's missing out but then his heart started acting up and that made me feel very guilty. Patty |
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Maybe try having a heart to heart with him, no pun intended. Maybe you aren't being direct enough with your requests or statements? Otherwise, you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting at least some kind of daily communication from him. This is only a suggestion - Tell him he needs to open up and let you know what is going on. Tell him you are worried about the lack of communication between you and it's making you second guess the relationship. Tell him you will leave if he doesn't do something. Tell him you are completely serious about your intentions. Don't hint around and expect him to understand what you are trying to say. Tell him directly what you need to happen in simple and honest words. If he ignores you, or refuses to make some changes, then explore your options...you have one opportunity on this planet. You deserve to be happy while you are here. |
but... He's not going to change unless there is something he is dissatisfied with. If he is currently happy he will not change. |
One other thing, you can't expect him to be any different than he has been. Have you for the most part always been the planner out of the two of you? If so, you can assume he won't be comfortable with that role, so it's something you just have to accept that you'll have to do (for now). If he is willing to at least start the date night thing, then try to let it be ok the first couple of times that you make the plans for it. Let him pick from a couple of options and you make the plans and go have some fun! Hopefully he will then be reminded of how great it is to spend time together and he'll start picking up the ball more often Give it a try, you might be surprised by the outcome! I hope so anyway!!!
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Patty, Do you think he is depressed because of his health? Worried that if he overdoes something that he could end up with a stroke? I'm sure it has to be on his mind most of the time. Do you go to church together? Maybe seeing a pastor instead of a counseler would work. Would be free and probably closer?? Even after 30 years, my husband isn't much of a romantic. He does surprise me once in a while. He's also not a talker, so we can drive for hours and not say much to each other. We just have comfort of each other. He's been super quiet since he still suffers from the anxiety and depression, so sometimes it is really tough. |
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Just saw an excellent film on marriage and relationships: Dinner with Friends It's got Greg Kinnear, Andie McDowell and Dennis Quaid (who is WAAAY hot...Meg Ryan blew it!) and a woman whose name escapes me but is in alot of films. Rent it and watch it...had me really really by the throat. One couple divorces, the other doesn't...but it's the conversations and the brutal honesty of the conversations that will get you. Watch it together (I plan to this weekend) and start chatting. |
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You must have gotten your husband out of the same box of cracker jacks as my first ex!! If we are to believe the comments men make on here, I would say that he is trying to get you to "want" him more by ignoring you. Unfortunately, the "real men" comment means he doesn't want to deal with the issue. I know how you feel.    
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i think both of these are key ETA: what you are describing is not 'normal,' but it is up to you to decide what you expect from and will tolerate in a relationship IM sent |
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Real guys better pay attention to their wives or they won't have one for long. This is as true as any physical law and was a lesson I learned from my first marriage. Unfortunately some guys don't ever learn. Insanity = Doing the same thing, the same way, over and over again and expecting different outcomes. |
Amen Hoppy! Cheers 
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That's good advice for every woman in any relationship actually. Guys are notoriously bad with "hints." I'm sure you've all noticed. |
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If I don't miss my guess, you are a very social person. Heart problems are notoriously related to depression, loss of memory, and sexual dysfunction. Also, is it really true that he doesn't say ANYTHING to you for days on end or is it just that you're only having casual conversations for days on end? No, "Hi, Honey" and a little kiss? I'm somewhat concerned that the folks responding to your post might have a distorted view of the situation and are therefore labeling your husband as something he may not be. ETA - oh, this was a survey... most of our talk has to do with updating each other about our day or schedule. When we get time alone, we chat, but that isn't all the time. |
+1 The reality is that most men don't deserve most women so if you're lucky enough to get one you should do whatever it takes to hold on to them. Without looking fruity of course. 
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it is true he goes days with out saying anything to me. He has no problem telling me he needs me to do something for him or wants something special for dinner or lunch but usually he gets up, gets dressed, eats a bowl of ceral and leaves. I get up, make his lunch and chase him out the door for my peck on the cheek. Now I don't want to make him out to be a monster because he is not. The thing is that this came on suddenly. When we were first married he was great. We were best friends. We're both very independent people - which is fine but we always got together either in bed at night to visit or while I cook dinner he would follow me around the kitchen telling me how his day went and what he heard on the radio [he listens to talk radio -- I used to be in talk radio so I love hearing about it] We also went hunting together or working the dogs together. Now its nothing. He comes home and doesn't even come into the house. He goes straight to his shop. I have to track him down to get him to come eat. He'll come in for dinner and either go back out to the shop for a few hours or sit down and watch TV. I will try to get him to come spend time with the kids or I but he won't. He won't talk about what the problem is but I suspect it started when his heart went bad 3 years ago. I guess now that I think about it about 2 years ago they changed his position at work. He used be in management and they changed him to truck driver - which he hates. He gets paid the same but its a mindless job. He also doesn't like me getting paid to go hunting. When I try to get him to go hunting with me he always has something nasty to say like I'm going to guide for him [he's much more experienced hunter than I am]. Lastly, the dogs. I raise and train dogs. I love them to bits but I have no escape from them. I have begged him for 5 years now to put up a fence that will hold them and some kennels so they can be out of the house and out of my hair for long periods of the day. He refuses. Consequently I have to watch the dogs like a hawk all day. Which isn't too big of a deal but when I leave he doesn't watch them and they chew things up [usually something of mine!] and they have accidents in the house because he ignores them or they get bred by some outside mutt all of which I have to deal with. I have thousands of dollars tied up into my dogs, I can't afford them having a litter of mutts [nor does my reputation as a breeder need it]. Blah, there's more but I really didn't want to get into a woe is me thing and I have. |
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My goal is to tell my wife I love her at least one hundred times a day. I almost always fail but I work at it. I refer to her as "my beautiful wife" at all times--including when I call her at work and ask for her. I guess I do several things a day for her--every day. I'm not defending your husband, but I have a feeling you knew what he was when you married him. Demanding him to change now falls rather high in my "not cool" list.
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That's so sad. (ETA: sorry didn't bring any wine for the party) Anything - the heart the job could contribute to the withdrawal but both, together... who knows? About the fence... after 5 years, I'd get a plan in my head for it, sketch it out, and start digging, even if I have to hack my own trees or mix my own cement. My husband generally tries to "manage" a big project if I start it and seem ill-equipped for it... I don't know, but I suspect that there are some husbands that would just stand around and laugh at their wives when they get in over their heads. He seems really downhearted and discouraged. |
 Well I am going to try that. I have to get it done. My husband doesn't want the fence up which is why it isn't up but it has to go up in order for Patty to stay semi sane. I think its a multitude of things why my husband is how he is now. He told me once before we were married that he did this so in the beekeeps defense I was some what for warned BUT its impossible to understand what the magnitude of what that meant is until you live through it.Patty |
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Patty, This is so weird, in some ways you are describing my husband-complete with the shop, I struggle with the same feelings. Hubby also changed as the years have gone by. But having been through a divorce with my first set of kids and all the pain, step parenting issues, ect, I am determined not to do it with my younger two. We adopted them from Haiti and I want them to grow up with their parents together! So I had to ask myself if it was worth leaving, been a single parent before, it sucks! So I decided I was going to get into hubby's world- now cars are NOT my thing but I hang out in the shop for a few minutes when I can. Just being there, sometimes he begins to open up about things that are bugging him. Hubby and I used to see things pretty much the same. Boy, not anymore!! So when he is talking I don't say anything or he'll stop, as soon as he thinks it may become an issue. We don't go out much, money and babysitters are an issue and sometimes it can really get me down but lately we have begun to talk again like we used to. I have tried to find the things that made me fall in love with him and work with that. This year we will celebrate 19 years, how long have you been married? Anyway, don't mean to drone on either. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in a not so perfect marriage. Hang in there. Carrie |
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Hi Carrie, wow 19 years -- that's awesome. I haven't tossed in the towel yet but gosh its hard not too. I like you was a single mom for 4 years and I have seened what having my first husband abandon my first two has done to them, I don't want that for my little guy. My husband is like yours in the shop. I try to go out there and get involved. I'm a history buff and he's restoring his uncle's 41 jeep willies mb. But you can't have one way conversations. We've been married 8 years. The first 5 were awesome - granted we had our ups and downs. I'm not the easiest person to live with, nor is my hubby. Patty |
just a thought maybe try just being out there in the shop and sitting--not talking, just watching what he is doing--maybe then he will talk to you? hubby sometimes feels overloaded if i bombard him with questions--so i try to just be......and let him start and guide the conversations.... |
good advice. I used to do this with my ex (when I was trying to save the marriage) I would just sit in the garage and watch him work. He would talk sometimes, sometimes not, but it did save us for 5 more years. |
Wow! So you invested 5 additional years of your life trying to make things work? That's very commendable! Now looking back, do you wish you would have left sooner or was it worth it to try for that long? Not trying to pry...just wondering what amount of time is practical to try to make things work when one side gives a shit more than the other. Also, was there equality in the beginning and then he became more distant, or was he always the type to stress from the start that he "needed his space". Thnx in advance. |
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I wondered that too Sigziggy. I felt the same way when my first husband left - I wasted 11 years just to have HIM walk out on me? I think the key is IF the other is willing to try. One person a relationship can not make [egads, I'm sounding like Yoda]. I think people toss in the towel too quickly many times but on the other hand you can not make a one way highway flow both ways. Patty |
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I don't know Patty. I'm thinking that your situation may be more the norm than you would expect. I think unfortunately it is a relationship where both sides value each other equally and have proper communication that is the exception to the rule. Out of all my sets of married/coupled "friends" I have only one set in mind that have what I would label as having a great relationship. And that's for the most part because he has admitted that he 1) treats her like an adult 2) respects her thoughts and feelings 3) takes care of her needs 4) and gets the same from her One couple out of more than a dozen....very sad... |
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It's definitley a touchy subject... You don't want to sound like a nag or someone who can't stand on their own... We all crave that type of attention and nurturing. Its a healthy part of a relationship.He really needs to be more sensitive to your needs. if he can't begin to even look at how to make you feel needed then you should look at what life would be like without him.... And with someone who recognizes your needs. |