Posted: 2/23/2005 11:06:12 PM EDT
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My wife has been having some "issues" lately. She was once so very sweet & caring, now she's like jeckel & hyde. I know she's been under alot of stress lately but everytime I try to alleviate it in any way she just freaks! I did convince her to see our Dr. who put her on Lipo-something or other and suggested she see a counselor. She goes tomorrow at 3pm I told her that I would be happy to go also but she doesn't want that right now. I know I need to be supportive, but damn, I'm going fricken crazy! This afternoon she calls me all frantic asking me where I was? I told her I was pulling in the alley behind our house & she said "Hurry up!" Jessi stopped up the toilet and it's overflowing!" I rush in & up stairs Jessi is screaming "Fix it Fix it!"(she's autistic), my 19 year old is standing there sobbing her eys out! The toilet is running all over the bathroom floor and "crap is everywhere!" I wedge the valve closed so it stopps running over, plunge it, and go get the shop vac. Meanwhile every Female in the house is either screaming, crying, or yelling! I yell in a not so nice voice that all this negitive crap(no pun intended) is not helping matters and for everyone to just Chill! So now I'm an insensitive lout for wanting my daughter to clean it up before she goes out.(incidently I cleaned up most of it before she came into the picture. It's been a hell of a night and I'm still doing laundry trying to get the smell out of the house. The wife is asleep on the couch, my daughter is "out with her friends" & I'm cleaning up the mess! not a problem but I'm the one who has to go to work in 4 hours! God I can't wait till summer! I think I'm outta here! Well I just heard the washer go off, time to change loads & get a couple hours sleep!  Hessian-1 out!(edited to add: Suggestions please?) |
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Did her doctor give her a complete physical, including bloodwork, etc.? I think it is possible that she may have some sort of hormonal imbalance, a thyroid problem, a chemical imbalance, or something like that. I think seeing a counselor is good, but if there is a physical cause that will still need to be fixed. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I hope everything works out for you. |
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Wish I had an answer. +1 on getting her checked for menopause. We women can, at times, be moody, but this sounds pretty serious. Midlife crisis, menopause... any number of things can contribute. You are probably the only one who knows if a problem with your relationship (unfaithfulness, etc) is a contributing factor. The red flag for me is the fact that she doesn't want you to help relieve stress... and we (of course) don't know what stress she is really under so it isn't fair to ask us for any detailed suggestions. She is possibly feeling guilty for not getting enough done or angry with you for not doing more to alleviate her stress. Consider whether or not you've ever made unrealistic expectations of her performance or if she has made unrealistic expectations of her own performance. But... regarding her rejection of your attempts to help, I'll just encourage you to examine the tone in which you offer your help and the times you offer. If you sound like you're being self-sacrificing or taking over her duties because she's unable for some reason to do so, you are not respecting the fact that she is under a lot of stress. Instead, you may be making her feel guilty for not doing more. If you find her, at times, desperately and rapidly, doing household chores and generally scattered, it is probable that she feels guilty for not getting more done yet needs some recharge time. But... all this is written from my 30+ yr. old, non-menopausal, non-autistic teenager, not overly stressed out perspective and a limited understanding of her perspective. |
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+1 on getting her checked out by the doctor. It sounds like depression to me. With an autistic child, teenagers, and all the other stresses of life, it sounds like BOTH of you could use a break. Is there anyway for the 2 of you to get away for a weekend? Even if you just spend the night in the local motel, it might give you 2 a chance to unwind. I'd highly reccomend that you go to counselling as well, even if she isn't ready to go together. When it comes to married couples, seldom is a problem exclusively one-sided. I have no doubt that you are stressed and possibly either anxious or depressed as well, and you can't help her very much if you are in the same boat. I'd also reccomend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. This book changed my marriage, and it has changed many others. It sounds to me like you are demonstrating love by "acts of service" (i.e. cleaning up the mess), but she may not be responding to that because she speaks a different love language. The love languages are 1) Wrods of affirmation 2) Quality time 3) Acts of service 4) Physical touch 5) Recieving gifts. My husband is "acts of service" and I am "physical touch", and for years we didn't understand this, and neither of us was really happy or felt like we were loved. When he would wash the dishes for me, he was telling me he loved me, but I was hearing "you're a lousy housekeeper, I'll do it myself". I'd show my love by giving him backrubs, but he would look around at the mess in the house and (subconsciously) think it meant I didn't value him. This caused us a lot of stress, but we couldn't figure out what was going on until we read the book. You'd be amazed at how much easier it is to face the stresses that once overwhelmed you once you are sure that your spouse genuinely loves and supports you. Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers. |
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Sounds like I could have used that book Cat wrote about when I first married (maybe even now). Give me the words of affirmation any day. You know what stinks about if you and your spouse have different love languages...? You have to be bilingual. Ah, but that may not be so bad... double the effort spent on loving... not so bad at all. (eta: back rubs are nice too though  )
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At the risk of butting into this thread, I just wanted to say thanks for the recommendation. That sounds like a really useful book, and I just ordered a copy. |
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Thanks "Cat," I was out earlier looking for the book. I'm about to go out and check the other bookstores in town. One has a coffee shop so I'll take my autistic daughter on a "date." That will get her out of my wifes hair for a while. As far as unfaithfulness, that's just not me!(Sometimes I wish it was!) The opportunity has presented it'self a few times.......but like I said, that's just not me. Thanks for all the suggestions. She told me about her first counseling session after dinner tonight. She said she was telling the counseler about some of the things she "did" and the counseler was saying "Oh my, we must address that at our next session!" She did say that she felt at least 50% at fault for our problems. (I told her I would work on my 50% if she would work on her 50%!) I agree with the menopause/depression thing. That's why I suggested the doctor. I do realize that I "own" some of the problem. All of our friends are pretty much "liberal/moderates" and I'm a pretty vocal "conservative"(hell, I'm a member of the John Birch Society) You guys might call me a neo-con. I call my self an "American Patriot." My wife is a "W" fan. He can do no wrong. I agree with "W" on most things but I disagree on some others. I understand that things might not get any better but it won't be for me not trying. That being said, I will not respond like I did with my first marriage. I totally freaked out, and was willing to do anything to salvage a flawed relationship, even compromise my principles. Never again. Well we'll see how things shake out. Thanks again to all Hessian-1
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Hessian, Try the Christian bookstore for the book. Chapman is a Christian author, but he is also a practicing Psychologist. I'd say the Christian reference comprise less than 10% of the book (if that is something that makes you uncomfortable). He also has a version written just for men, but I'd reccomend getting the original and making it available for your wife as well. 
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"Cat" My ex-wife & her husband manage a bookstore in town. The only one they had was the one for singles. While I was there a young lady bought it. I commented to my ex's husband (the bookbuyer) that I had a friend that highly recomended it and he has ordered the whole series by Chapman. I guess I'll wait until it/they come in. I read an exerpt from the book on line and it seems right on. Hessian-1 out!
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Also adding my vote for menopause. I've been through it twice thanks to the marvels of modern medicine (at 31 no less  ) and let me tell you, I am not looking forward to the third time. Menopause is insane it warps you into some monster version of the evil side of you that you always tried to suppress. I will never forget coming home from school one day in 11th grade to be met at the door by this "thing" that used to be my mother. She whooped me something fierce for being home late and scaring her so badly. Thing is...I wasn't late...Make sure if they medicate her it is witht the correct meds! |
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I've been giving her a little space and it seems to be working. Yesterday a friend asked me to go to a basketball game with him. I told him I'd get back to him and casually mentioned that I had been asked by a "friend" to go out. Twenty questions time, she was freaking out till I told her it was Mike. Then I told her I'd rather stay home with her. We were out to dinner tonight (drove seperately) and she actually came around the table, kissed me, and said she would see me at home! She sees her counselor tomorrow again. Thanks for the concern and suggestions Hessian-1(Dave)
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 I'll keep praying.Mrs. Hessian (Callgirl-1, right?), I hope you check in with us soon. No one here (that I know of) thinks ill of you. I daresay, most of us have dealt with stress and/or depression in our own lives, so we aren't judging, just supporting. ((Hugs)) |
Can't say it any better then this, for both you and the missus. |
+2
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+3 Callgirl-1, I think most, if not all, of us understand stress/depression. I am certainly not going to judge you. I hope things continue to improve. |
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I must have been premature in my assessment of the situation. I bought The Five Love Languages (Mens Edition) & The proper care & feeding of Husbands. I gave her TPC&FOH and she hit the ceiling! She said don't you think I treat you right? I told her I didn't know what to think, some one reccomended the book! It went downhill fast! She told me I was narcisistic(I don't even think she knows what the word means) This is from a woman who spent all week tanning, getting her hair done, nails, new outfit, and on and on! after telling me we need to cut back and not spend anything! I spend 3.85 a day for school lunch, she drops $20-30 bucks on "lunch with the girls." I go buy groceries, she eats out 4 nights a week. I really think she has really flipped out. First she wanted to sell the business, then she says I can have anything she just wants "out" then She tells me she's trying to make me hate her, five minutes later we need to be friends and then I'm never going to take "her business!" So I told her, ok you want out, no problem. Let's just be civil about this. She's ok with that. She keeps saying she doesn't want to be married anymore, and she asked me what I wanted. I told her I liked being married. Or at least I thought I did? She then says then she has to find me someone else to marry. So I told her (in front of my daughter) that I'll be looking for something "elsewhere"(job-wise) I enjoy my job but I can't afford to live on what I make working at the school(the business subsidises my lifestyle, student loans, etc.) Going back home(WNC) spring break, I have land there & look for a teaching job. I have less than 60 days left in the school year. Thank God the kids are grown! Hell, maybe tomorrow she'll be someone else! So keep praying, friends! If not for the relationship, how about my sanity! (In case it don't work out, know any one interested in a broke, overweight, cynical, "narcisisstic," teacher type with colorful AR's that looks like this?> )"Thanks for listening" Hessian-1  out!
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You made an honest mistake. Giving her a book title "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" told her that you were only thinking of yourself and what she could do for you. I'm pretty sure that was not the message you meant to send, but for the record: Men, unless your wife specifically asks for that book, giving it to her will probably insult her, make her angry, and get you in trouble. I highly reccomend that you apologize and explain your real intentions. If you were thinking of yourself when you bought the book, then admit that and apologize for it. If you are too uncomfortable to swallow your pride and genuinely apologize, then write her a letter detailing that yes, you know you made a mistake, yes, you recognize the mistake you made and how it affected her, and you are extremely sorry for that. I think that sometimes we all need to be reminded that men and women are different species. I can't fault my husband for being a man, and you have to learn not to fault your wife for being a woman. She is an emotional creature who sees the world differently than you do. If you want someone with the same temperament as you, the same interests, and the same needs, you'll need to change your sexual orientation. The differences make things tricky in times like this, but they also serve to make life richer and fuller in the good times. I don't know where you stand in regards to religion, but I believe that men and women were designed this way to complement and balance each other. Her spending is one of the ways some women deal with stress (some men do it, too). It can be much like an eating disorder or an addiction, and I would strongly reccomend counselling. I also reccomend that you get counselling yourself. I'll continue to pray for you both. 
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Hessian, When my husband gave me The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, I hit the roof too, but I read it and made him buy Woman Power too or vise versa. I can't remember which he gave me, but it gave me a different perspective that I was able to incorporate. But, I read it because he asked me to and I learned that she wasn't totally off base, but I think she underestimates men. Yep... I do. It seems like if we give you two things, that you'll coo and throw yourselves between us and a bullet every time ,  but... I think mankind is a tad bit more complicated than that. Now, the book (if you haven't read it) says that a narcissistic man is one you pretty much have to give up trying to please. I think a narcissist and an abuser were the only two that she didn't have much hope for converting with her thoughts. Her thoughts come down to this... WOMEN are more responsible for the emotional wellbeing of their husbands because husbands are so much less complex than women are; our needs are so diverse that we can't expect our husbands to meet them; whereas, you guys depend so hopelessly on our approval, etc.... I liked the book because of the multitude of letters from men that are so sincere. I was able to get a sense that women have more "power" than I ever guessed (even if we aren't supermodels) and less than Dr. Laura thinks (even if we are supermodels). Not such a bad lesson for a goodhearted soul. |
Great. Thanks. Now I'm going to have to read it just to find out what this woman says. Although if these are her basic premises, I hope she at least concedes that it isn't ALL men. Because quite frankly, I don't need nor seek approval from anyone. It's nice don't get me wrong, good feeling to know that someone you care about approves of you, but my decisions won't change with or without it. So I'd could hardly say I'm dependant on it anymore than I could say that women are dependant on male attention. |
It's an interesting book. Perhaps, I could have summarized her better, because 'dependant' is probably a poor word choice. Now, you got me wanting to flip through it again to solidify her points in my mind. |
And I graciously thank you for your prayers! Hessian-1(Dave)
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