Posted: 6/2/2004 9:09:26 PM EDT
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Well, I've updated you in the past regarding my most recent great-find of a girlfriend. Basically stated, we had a FANTASTIC first date, and it was certainly unlike any other I've ever had in my life. This girl possesses all of the qualities I'm currently looking for in a long-term girlfriend / potential spouse. That said, I should also state what things happened AFTER the first date. We went on several subsequent dates. We went on romantic walks, went shopping, and I found out she LOVED CHOCOLATE. This was good because I like making chocolate-based snacks... We did other things like dinner & movie (standard cop-out date), and many other things. However, my favorite things were the little things. I bought good swiss milk chocolate, and fresh strawberries, and made about 1.5 dozen chocolate dipped strawberries, bought a single red rose, and wrote her a note. She was studying for a final exam when I stopped in unexpectedly to give them to her. She absolutely loved them (they really were good, too; not to brag)! Then she gave one to her roommate who walked out of the room eating hers... In under 1 minute 6 other girls poured into the room to try a strawberry & meet the romantic new boyfriend... I was given the "approval" of all her friends, gave her a neck/shoulder massage, told her to not fry her brain the night before her exam, kissed, wished her luck, and departed. A total of two weeks went by where we had the time of our lives doing fun, and romantic things (even if they were little things). We had met 5 months earlier, but still didn't know each other too well until we started dating. When she had to leave @ the end of the semester & move home, I helped her move, where I met her family. Obviously they liked me because they've never invited a boyfriend in the past to spend the night at their house any time I wanted... I'm a nice, and likable person (infinitely moreso than online). Well, she had been gone for 2 weeks at the time, and she drove down to visit me (due to work obligations we couldn't see each other the previous weekend). She brought me fresh baked cookies (chocolate chip, and chocolate cookies w/ white chocolate [my favorite]). We (several of her friends, her, my brother, and I) all went shopping at the Mall of America. We both had a fun time, we bought each other gifts there (I got her a cute outfit), and enjoyed the day walking past nearly all stores twice (7 hrs in a mall & your feet start killing you). Then I was greatly disappointed. Her mother went on the Atkins diet, and she did to help support her mom. I understand this, but this means she no longer eats chocolate...  So much for the bag of Godiva chocolates I bought her... I had to eat them myself.  Then two days later I got a phone call that I never expected. She broke up with me on the phone. She said she was afraid of jumping into a relationship so quickly, but we didn't do anything too physical that would consider me to think it was "quick." She stated she hates long-distance relationships, and wants to get to know me better this summer as friends, and then this fall she wants to start dating me again if things work out over the summer... I was shocked. I had no idea she felt this way, nor did I know her intentions. It turns out she later told me that it wasn't anything to do with me, but she's afraid of committing to a relationship because her previous 4 boyfriends cheated on her, and she has a hard time trusting boyfriends. That's terrible, I know. I liked this part of our relationship, I felt it made us trust one another more, because I can make a promise under God that I wouldn't cheat on her because I have had some issues with that in the past. I have integrity and morals, and would never think to do such a thing.So, as it stands, we're on a summer-long friendship break to get to know each other more... She wants to see how trustworthy I am before she commits her heart to me. However, this frightens me. I can't keep from thinking that if she didn't want to put the effort/work into a long-distance relationship now, who's to say she's going to want to put effort into a future long-term relationship, or a marriage, or investing in the lives of children? Who knows... Least of all me. Women are confounding creatures, that's a certainty. 
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OUCH! well, if you really like her and feel this strongly about her then I see nothing wrong with things going along "her terms" for awhile. If she were just some "chick" that you were "sort of" liked then I would say forget it move on. But it sounds like you really think highly of her. It isn't like you can't back out if at any time you feel it isn't right. Deb |
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iNuhBaDNayburhood, I think it’s best that you voice your concerns to her about her actions. After all everything seamed to be going fine and then she tosses you a curve. This would cause most men to have some trust issues with the person that did this and make them concerned about the stability of any future relationship. Let her know that you are trustworthy and that you have been truthful to her about how you feel and about what you have been thinking every step of the way. Also let her know that any meaningful relationship is built upon trust. Let her know that you expect her to be truthful to you about how she feels and about what she’s thinking and about what she wants out of this relationship. This relationship is not equal; it’s not fair for her to have all the power and for her to hold your relationship hostage. Does she expect you to invest in this relationship just waiting and hoping that she will decide to stay without any commitment from her? You may wait patiently by turn over all the power in this relationship to her if you like. However If you do she will likely only stay in the relationship so long as it stays that way. Why does she deserve a commitment from you for the summer or longer when she hasn’t made a commitment to you? Regardless of what happens with this relationship this is a test of your manhood, Be a man. Let me know if I’m out of line. I don’t think I am. |
Not that I would know what that is like now. Having been married nearly 25 years now. From my point of view, I can see her point, providing she's not stringing you along. If you are sure she has said all there is to say, and you want the relationship, then old fashioned hand written letters might hit the spot. Computers are all very well, but sometimes a well thought out letter, in good handwriting, works better wonders than anything else. Says she whose handwriting is almost like rigor mortis these days, as being a speed typist is oh so much easier. Good luck. Be patient. It's a good time for you too, so that you can take time to really be sure what you want in a woman, and vice versa. |
| Hopefully she is not stringing you on, and like Hesomagari said maybe some old fashioned courtship might help. Sometimes too if you've been burned a few times and a relationship is going smoothly and you're getting along well, she might be afraid that you are going to just bail on her like the other boyfriends. Maybe she wants to evaluate where she wants to take the realtionship and is really just afraid of being hurt. Maybe if you reassure her that you are not like the others and show her with actions it will make her feel better. Just don't let her hold all the cards. If it was meant to be it will work out. I wish you luck and let us know what happens. |
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wait wait..... how long have you two been dating? Have you mentioned all this marriage business to her? Maybe it's too soon in the relationship for that. I can understand how she might want to be friends for a while before discussing getting married, no matter HOW perfect you two are for each other. If you really do love her, give her the time she requested and show her you're trustworthy. It's only a few months afterall, marriage is the rest of your life. Sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders. Best of luck! PS- I can't help but adding I am slightly jealous of her, you make her chocolate dipped strawberries? I Love those! |
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LaBelle, No, I' haven't discussed marriage with her yet, but she once stated that of all the guys she's met that I'm the only one so far that she thinks has good potential for marriage. However, she doesn't feel like marriage is going to happen in the near future for her until she gets her education, and starts a possible career. She's trying to get into vet school, she's incredibly smart, and was hoping to get a vet job either in northern MN or up in the mountains in Montana. I'd love to live in either of those places... She's a small-town girl, and I think that's great. Gotta run to work @ the cemetery. |
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Ugh! What is with women these days?! I'm with Thisisme and cry foul. If a guy had done this to me I would have wrote him off. Why should she get different rules because she's a woman? Not my place to tell you what to do, or how to do it, but I have a couple questions for you to consider: Did she not know it would be a long distance relationship before you started dating? Did the details of her location compared to yours surprise her somehow? Weren't you friends for 5m before you started dating? Why switch to a romantic relationship with someone a distance from you if you know that you don't like long distance relationships? Couldn't she have thought of this before you got romantically involved? Do you want to wait for her and hope that she dumps her commitment issues? How would you feel if she never dropped her issues for you but wound up dating another guy? Did she not know that she had a hard time trusting boyfriends before you decided to date and by that became her boyfriend? How does her breaking up with you give you the opportunity to prove that you wouldn't cheat on her?  I mean, she broke up with you...you are now "just friends"...so if you see someone else, you are not cheating on her. Is she ok with that? I understand taking things slowly, but breaking up with someone is not taking things slowly, it's ending them. Sorry, me no likey women who no makey sensey. I don't think she's being very fair. |
Why can't I find a guy like you? You are unbelievably sweet and romantic. If your brother is anything like you, a little older and single, send him my way  .Sorry things didn't work out like you expected, but this may be better. Speaking from experience, I can understand her feelings. When you have been in bad relationships and then find someone who seems too good to be true, it can be very scary. And if she has been cheated on by the last four boyfriends, I can see her point about a long distance relationship and in not wanting to move too fast. Statistically, long distance relationship do not succeed. Usally this is because at least one person will find someone else closer to them. I think she is just giving you an out if you need it so that she will not get hurt again. So maintaining a friendship over the summer and getting to know each other better is a good idea. I think this is a good oportunity to form a more meaningful relationship and if things work out over the summer as friends, things will be even better next fall when she returns. I wish you the best. |
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WOW! You've all made some fantastic points and brought up questions I've never thought of yet... Thank you all! I agree with many of everyone's points here... Thisisme, you made some incredibly valid points... Your statement of the tossed curve & the trust issue is pretty evident to me lately. I don't know what she plans to do this summer, but she said that she's going to not date anyone all summer to keep things open for a relationship when she returns this fall. I think I'm going to give her the benefit of doubt, and stay true to her throughout the summer, and keep being good friends with her. If things go well in the fall, and continue to do so, then things will hopefully be even better, as Ogre says... Though I'm going to have to bring up the trust issue to her... With my woman-related luck, she'll likely break up with me again over winter/Christmas break because she hates long-distance relationships.  I know those of you I I.M.'ed in the past, I said that I should date an older woman who has been through a plethora of bad guys so they might value me a little more, but I didn't take my own advice... I dated a girl younger than me again. I hope that isn't a reason why I'm going through this situation though. On a positive note, I'll be turning 24 this month on the same day she returns from a vacation to Florida. Ogre_4070, I do have an older brother who is 25, going on 26, but he's not at all like me. He's a really nice & sweet guy, but (at present) he lacks the romantic side... He used to be just as "romantic" as I am, and I learned several cute romantic things from watching his past relationships. However, he's not what I'd consider "Datable" material yet. He's getting over a horrible Jerry-Springer-ish ending to a long-term relationship... He even gave this girl a ring, and she completely ruined their futures. In fact, she was going to be moving into this current apartment with my brother & I... We all got along great, and things seemed to be going just fine, but then one day she was acting strange about 2 weeks before we were supposed to move into this APT together... At this point she even had a good paying job lined up for when she moved into the Twin Cities with us; The three of us were all great friends. Then the following weekend, my brother takes time off work for her birthday, but she cancels their birthday evening plans, and she tells him to stay at work... (This is strange) Bear in mind that up to this point in their relationship my brother has done almost as many romantic & nice things as I have for my past girlfriends. Things seemed perfect until this mysterious day she acted wierd.So, he goes to work instead of to see her because she said she didn't want to see him that night. He was like WTF, because this came out of nowhere. Then that evening he calls her from work, and she answers the cell phone & is very quiet for like 2 minutes, and hangs up & shuts her phone off. (At the time I worked with my brother at the same job, and witnessed this) Then a couple days later with no contact, and she calls up & says she's pregnant, but he's not the father.  She cheated with him on her birthday on her first date with one of our coworkers, and when my brother called, she was in the middle of sex with this guy (she later admitted that she did so mostly because he appeared to be from a wealthy family)...No wonder he wasn't at work that night! My brother even helped this guy get his job there! Mr. coworker quit to keep my brother from killing him the next time they met at work. Then she kept calling for about 1.5 months afterward pretending she wanted to still be friends, etc., but it turns out things weren't going good with the new guy (with whom she moved into his parent's basement), and she wanted to make the new guy mad by talking to her ex... During these conversations he learned many things... Like it turns out the new guy really DIDN'T have wealthy parents, they just spend all their money on luxury items, and have little or no savings. Then a day or so after the 'honey I'm preggies' call, she calls up & says that she miscarriaged, and was upset because nobody was giving her much emotional support... Blah blah blah... I could go on for days listing the things this girl did from that one "strange" day up until about 2 weeks ago on how she kept messing with my brother's head. Later she returned the ring to my mother when my mom went to visit her father (before he went into the hospital for cancer). She couldn't look my mother in the eyes at all. About one week later, I ran into her with her friends (all her friends were dressed like sluts, as was she), and she gave me the $100 cash she owed my brother. I didn't mention this to him, so he thinks she still owes him  Just Kidding, I gave it to him...  He's going to have to deal with some emotional demons before he gets back to his nice, romantic, and confident old self (if he ever fully recovers). I hope he does. At present he has some trust & resentful issues to work out. This is his third long-term relationship that ended in a train wreck. The first one... I can't remember the first one, but it was bad. The second one just disappeared into the Military one day "Oh, honey, I joined the military, and I'm shipping off to basic tomorrow afternoon..." She wound up getting pregnant by her commanding officer and quitting the military. Occasionally she tries to contact him, but then our female friends (her former best fellow girlfriends) all tell her that if she ever even speaks to him again they'll kill her. Then there was this one. There may be another one I'm forgetting from when he was in college, but I don't know for sure. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted some info about his jerry-springer ending online, but hey, what are brothers for? Currently I'm just trying to be there for my brother right now. He seems to have improved greatly these past couple weeks, and I'm helping him meet new people up here to get a strong base of friends for additional support. |
If there's any chance of a break-up, ALWAYS do it BEFORE Christmas or Valentines day - so you don't have to worry about getting her a present! 
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Hey sweetie!!! We have talked a lot about relationships, and I'm glad that you have found someone who is pretty cool. HOWEVER........ Take it slow!!! Don't jump to conclusions!! This woman is being honest with you. What would you rather......her have her reservations and decide to just not tell you because she likes you and wants to keep the option open? OR....tell you up front that she has reservations and doesn't want to get serious anytime soon, allowing you to decide whether or not you want to stick around, being honest even though she knows that she might be risking you deciding to bail? I know a lot of girls/women who choose the former... Also, maybe she wants to date casually for a while...what is wrong with that? You should be doing this too. Date a few other women while you date her, especially over the summer, so that you can really compare and contrast. I find it really funny that now a days, while young people think that they are so hip and new, we have developed some really funny ideas about dating. Way back in my grandparents day, and in my mothers as well, women dated several men at the same time, and the men did so as well. These dates were platonic until a specific couple decided that they wanted to "go steady". Sometimes it could take upwards of a year to decide whom to go steady with. Both my mother and grandmother felt that this type of dating was necessary to make sure that when you decided to get serious with someone, you really KNEW, and were making a logical decision, and don't understand why young people today are so quick to jump into serious, committed relationships without making sure that they really want that person. I know so many people who start to date someone, right away do not date anyone else, get serious very soon, and sometimes even make the mistake of getting married. Everyone I know who has done this has said, after the fiery end, that they let themselves get deeper and deeper into the relationship mainly in part because they had blinders on, and had no idea that there was anyone else out there. This is also why it is a bad idea to have sex with someone soon after starting to date, it creates an artificial bond between the couple and can cause their feelings to become confused, making them think that they are in love when they are really in lust or enamoration. Take it easy, and thank your lucky stars that along with being really really cool, this woman is also willing to be honest with you. She isn't jerking you around, she's telling you the truth, and letting you decide what is best for you. Becoming friends is important, maybe she jumped into the previous relationships too soon, and has decided to play it cool this time around. Just remember, whatever is going on with her, you are not in a committed relationship, and until the two of you sit down and agree to be, neither of you owe anything to the other person, except respect. If she does want to date some other people as well as you, that is her perogative, and if she's as great as you say, then I'd say that she's worth sticking around for, as long as she conducts herself with respect and dignity. If you don't like it, then you can take yourself out of the picture. If this is indeed the case, it does not mean that she is disrespecting you or doesn't like you, in fact, it would most likely not have anything at all to do with you. So don't take it that way I dated 3 guys at the same time for a while, each knew that I was seeing other people as well, but didn't know anything more than that. It was platonic, and I really needed that time to decide who I really wanted to be with. I have been in situations where I only dated one guy, and didn't even realize that I was only staying with him because he was there, since I had no one else to compare him with when we first started dating. I compromised on things that I never thought that I would, and ended up extremely unhappy. I am now in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful guy, and I'm really happy that I took the time to do it right; I am with him because I love and respect him, not because he happens to be there. You sound like a great guy, she sounds like a great gal. Give her the space she needs, and let God do His thing; if it's right, it will work, if not, then hey, at least you get a great friend out of the deal. Good luck sweetie, matters of the heart are the toughest things in life to deal with. |
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Great advice, Tiff... I thank you greatly for your input. However, I have an issue with honesty. Honesty is EXTREMELY important to me. In that respect, as you stated, she has been completely honest with me thus far, and I respect her greatly for that honesty. In fact, it makes me like her even more... Such a trait is, dare I say it, attractive and rare in many modern women. However, there is also an honesty issue on my part... You see, there are things about me that are often overlooked; MY faults. I am very honest about any and all of my problems in life. As such, upon request, and often times voluntarily, I'll ask a girl what kinds of things bother/upset her... I then ask them questions like, "What did you do in your life that you regret the most?" or "What is the most illegal thing you've ever done?" It gives them the opportunity to bring hidden faults into light, and also learn about my faults. I do this in hopes that any girl I date will never be caught off guard or surprised later in the relationship with something to which they strongly object. I've had problems where a past girlfriend didn't know about my strange history from 1998 to the present, and some of the stupid/illegal/dangerous things I've done in my life. I firmly believe that knowing your faults and the faults of your GF/BF is an important part of relationships. Early in a relationship I'll state all the things about myself that people may look down upon, and give her the opportunity to choose if she would still like to date me. If so, great, but if not, that sucks but it's life. She'd have likely dumped me anyway further down the road. I just saved myself a ton of money. I'll be an open book to just about any girl that wants to know. I've shot myself in the foot so many times by trying to keep a girl ignorant of some aspect of my life history, or a hobby (shooting) or something else... Discovering your significant other's peculiar (sp?) quirky dislikes is important at the BEGINNING of a relationship; Not waiting for something you do to piss her off and learn by trial & error... Most of life is trial & error, why continue in that format if it's not necessary, nor is it conducive to the stability of relationships. You may not know, but I have many faults, and often come across as one of the strangest people on earth. My friends who've known me for years love me to death, and they know I'm a great guy, but new girls I meet; I fear them, because if they judge me based upon a superficial facade or stereotype to which they've assimilated me - they'll not like me. This is because on the surface, I can come across as a strange, scary, creepy, and wierd guy. All they have to do is ask the two questions I dread the most: What do you do for fun/hobbies? What do you do for a job? The answers: Q1: -Shooting -Fishing -Camping -Wakeboarding -Scuba Diving etc... Q2: I'm a groundskeeper/gravedigger at a large urban cemetery. In my experience, I'm not going to beat around the bush & HIDE my shooting hobby from a girl. That's dishonest & misleading. I'm not going to "Church Up" my job either. If I'm doing field managing and gravedigging at a large urban cemetery, then that's what I'm doing... I'm not a "Soil Excavating Engineer" or something... If I were a Janitor, I'd say so, I wouldn't be "I'm a Custodial Engineer for a large Academic Institution," or something. I'll be honest. I'm a gravedigger and groundskeeper who's training for a position as a field manager whilst finishing a degree in landscape architecture... Perhaps honesty is a bad thing. Perhaps it's good. Most girls (often those who are seemingly just superficial and lacking any personality/intellect) are scared off by my honesty. However, there has been 3 girls who thought it was the greatest thing they've seen. A person who is open, and comfortable with disclosing his faults or past disgraces... Basically stated, I don't want to waste a girl's time, and I don't want one to waste mine unless they're more openminded and accepting of other people's faults. That was what was so cool about this girl. She didn't flinch or bat an eye at ANY of my past faults or stupid things I've done in the past. She realized that those things are a part of my PAST, and that I've moved on from those things. As far as the shooting & other 'controversial' things, she was interested in the same things, so those didn't matter either. When we talked on the phone, she just stated more about wanting to be better friends before we get back into a relationship, and she didn't want to tie me down for the summer. She also didn't want to deal with distance. So far she's the closest person I've dated who is what I consider a true WOMAN. For many reasons leading me to this conclusion, I give her much respect, and admiration. That said, it's still saddening that she probably didn't find me as special as I believe her to be...
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One thing I have learned in life, is that its impossible to know what is going on in someone else's mind, all the time. Sometimes I say things and show things in a way I think are blindingly obvious, only to discover later, that the focus of my attention had defined a key word differently, which slanted the understanding of everything else. Even after 25 years of marriage, this still sometimes happens. |