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Posted: 3/2/2002 3:40:36 PM EDT
Well shoot...now I spouted off. I may as well solicit some opinions from my trusted fellow conservatives. Do I keep trying or do I pull the plug? I didn't want to hi-jack someone elses thread, so check out my post here [url]http://www.ar15.com/forums/topic.html?id=97433[/url] and come on back and let's hear your advice for me re: marriage. I'll be checking in later! I am interested in your opinions. You won't be the deciding factor for obvious reasons, but perhaps my perception is skewed and you guys and girls may lend a third dimension to my thinking. Thanks youse. Kill
Link Posted: 3/2/2002 3:47:16 PM EDT
Do you have children? If so, I'd say stick to it until the kids leave the nest. If no kids are involved, then it might be better to find someone else who appreciates you and wants to spend the kind of time together that you want to. This kind of stuff is hard, chicks are nutty and very difficult for us to understand and it helps to have other guys just get this kind of stuff off their chest without the "fear" that you might get made.
Link Posted: 3/2/2002 4:01:24 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/2/2002 4:01:57 PM EDT by TheKill]
Originally Posted By RRotz: Do you have children? If so, I'd say stick to it until the kids leave the nest. If no kids are involved, then it might be better to find someone else who appreciates you and wants to spend the kind of time together that you want to. This kind of stuff is hard, chicks are nutty and very difficult for us to understand and it helps to have other guys just get this kind of stuff off their chest without the "fear" that you might get made.
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No children. Another strike: I want some, she doesn't. I want to home school. Teach our kids to shoot, and all the responsibility that comes with it. Etc. Etc. She wants nothing of it. We aren't doing anything to prevent it, I am taking the fact that we still don't have kids as kind of a sign from Him!!! Edited to add, back when I was getting some!!!
Link Posted: 3/2/2002 4:29:12 PM EDT
It sounds like you aren't getting much of anything that you want out of the relationship. It also sounds, from the other thread, like your current marriage WILL fail no matter how hard you try to keep it going. And thirdly, it sounds like your current financial partner really isn't out to create a working marriage anyway. I base this on your saying that she (1) doesn't want kids with you, (2) just married you to get out of her financial condition, (3) refuses to talk with you, and (4) acts mad at you the vast majority of the time. Just the first one is enough to end on, but the fourth is very significant -- various marriage studies have shown that if one partner puts down the other more than one time for every 5 or 6 positive statements about the other person, the marriage is likely to fail. Instead of 5:1, she is at 1:9, according to your count. That's a clear sign of doom. Marriage doesn't have to be based on true pure love. But it has to at the least have mutual respect, and it is obvious from what you wrote that she doesn't have it for you. I would suggest not having married her in the first place. Since that's not possible, I would suggest getting out with minimal damage to yourself. Don't discuss it with her, don't try to negotiate; these would just give her time to make her own move. Get a lawyer, get everything ready, then hit her with the papers and lock her out of the house. (I realize you don't want the house, but you need to be in possession in order to come out with less financial damage, IMHO. But ask a lawyer; maybe things are different in your neck of the woods.) Disclaimer: I am not a fellow conservative. I am a [red]libertarian[/red].
Link Posted: 3/2/2002 5:03:41 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 3/2/2002 5:22:07 PM EDT by TheKill]
Originally Posted By 71-Hour_Achmed: It sounds like you aren't getting much of anything that you want out of the relationship. It also sounds, from the other thread, like your current marriage WILL fail no matter how hard you try to keep it going. And thirdly, it sounds like your current financial partner really isn't out to create a working marriage anyway. I base this on your saying that she (1) doesn't want kids with you, (2) just married you to get out of her financial condition, (3) refuses to talk with you, and (4) acts mad at you the vast majority of the time. Just the first one is enough to end on, but the fourth is very significant -- various marriage studies have shown that if one partner puts down the other more than one time for every 5 or 6 positive statements about the other person, the marriage is likely to fail. Instead of 5:1, she is at 1:9, according to your count. That's a clear sign of doom. Marriage doesn't have to be based on true pure love. But it has to at the least have mutual respect, and it is obvious from what you wrote that she doesn't have it for you. I would suggest not having married her in the first place. Since that's not possible, I would suggest getting out with minimal damage to yourself. Don't discuss it with her, don't try to negotiate; these would just give her time to make her own move. Get a lawyer, get everything ready, then hit her with the papers and lock her out of the house. (I realize you don't want the house, but you need to be in possession in order to come out with less financial damage, IMHO. But ask a lawyer; maybe things are different in your neck of the woods.) Disclaimer: I am not a fellow conservative. I am a [red]libertarian[/red].
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' Well, conservative, libertarian, etc. Basically, what I was saying is, I welcome opinions from my fellow "belief system sharers". Before we get into a diatribe about the difference between Conservative, Libertarian, etc. Let's just say that I agree with some things from both platforms and leave it at that. LOL! As far as respect....I sure don't have much respect for her anymore. That is a fact. And she could care less about earning it back. Edited to add: Every day is a new day and I give it a new chance. I know there are others with more experience than I. Why aren't you posting?
Link Posted: 3/3/2002 8:16:43 PM EDT
Originally Posted By TheKill:
Originally Posted By 71-Hour_Achmed: It sounds like you aren't getting much of anything that you want out of the relationship. It also sounds, from the other thread, like your current marriage WILL fail no matter how hard you try to keep it going. And thirdly, it sounds like your current financial partner really isn't out to create a working marriage anyway. I base this on your saying that she (1) doesn't want kids with you, (2) just married you to get out of her financial condition, (3) refuses to talk with you, and (4) acts mad at you the vast majority of the time. Just the first one is enough to end on, but the fourth is very significant -- various marriage studies have shown that if one partner puts down the other more than one time for every 5 or 6 positive statements about the other person, the marriage is likely to fail. Instead of 5:1, she is at 1:9, according to your count. That's a clear sign of doom. Marriage doesn't have to be based on true pure love. But it has to at the least have mutual respect, and it is obvious from what you wrote that she doesn't have it for you. I would suggest not having married her in the first place. Since that's not possible, I would suggest getting out with minimal damage to yourself. Don't discuss it with her, don't try to negotiate; these would just give her time to make her own move. Get a lawyer, get everything ready, then hit her with the papers and lock her out of the house. (I realize you don't want the house, but you need to be in possession in order to come out with less financial damage, IMHO. But ask a lawyer; maybe things are different in your neck of the woods.) Disclaimer: I am not a fellow conservative. I am a [red]libertarian[/red].
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' Well, conservative, libertarian, etc. Basically, what I was saying is, I welcome opinions from my fellow "belief system sharers". Before we get into a diatribe about the difference between Conservative, Libertarian, etc. Let's just say that I agree with some things from both platforms and leave it at that. LOL! As far as respect....I sure don't have much respect for her anymore. That is a fact. And she could care less about earning it back. Edited to add: Every day is a new day and I give it a new chance. I know there are others with more experience than I. Why aren't you posting?
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I don't know if you saw any of my threads back in October and November but my marriage was pure hell......she was making finanical desisions without my consent.....spending money out of my personal slush fund.....yelling...screaming and nagging constently....we were young and didn't have any kids so I packed everything that I had while she was at work and left. Life hasn't been what I would call easy but it is manageable....right now I am in the proccess of having the legal seperation papers signed....REAL FUN when you are dealing with a crazy woman. THis is my advice....follow your heart.....if you really think it should end then end it. Life will be difficult for the first year but everyday is a step closer to a "normal" life. Good luck! VTHOKIESHOOTER Go hokies!
Link Posted: 3/3/2002 8:52:00 PM EDT
Maybe she is cheating on you. Ever think abou that? It is obvious that this woman doesn't give a **** about you, or how you feel about her. Note her past relationships, guys who treat her like crap, now she is the one with the 'upper hand.' A marriage based on dominance will not work. This gal has no feelings for you ather than a meal ticket. Divorce is hell, but it is also final. Add this: Hot looking babes are a nice fashion accessory, but a woman with common sense is worth her weight in gold. They all look the same in the dark anyhow. Mrs Ops has gone thru Hell with me for three years, and is now planning to go back to college at 44 to get a paralegal degree in order to make enough money to support us. Would your wife do the same? If the answer is no, move on, before you have children to consider. My heart goes out to you, but the best way to handle a mistake is to admit it and drive on.
Link Posted: 3/3/2002 8:58:19 PM EDT
I don't have more experience than you, but I'll post any way, and you can take it FWIW. (I've been married all of five weeks, dated her for eleven months and knew her for three years before that, if you're interested in "credentials". Whatever.) I don't know how you view marriage. For me, I promised to love my wife for better and for worse and she promised the same. I wouldn't have wanted to enter into a marriage with any other view or commitment. I think it would be too hard to make it if I (or she) was always evaluating whether we would stay together based on how rewarding the marriage had been for us. That means I plan to stay with my wife if she goes into a coma, gets cancer, becomes depressed, invalid, angry and bitter, messy and lazy, fat, whatever. I don't want her to become any of those things, and it would hurt to see and have to live with, but I intend to stand by her anyway. I don't see how any marriage can make it without that commitment. It takes that from both people for the marriage to really grow, but in all the real life marriages that I've seen work, there seem to periods, sometimes years long, where it was pretty one-sided. IMHO, if you want to have a marriage that works, you need to be that kind of person with that kind of commitment. Leaving your current wife is not going to help you in that. But being able to do that takes being able to live life in order to give to someone else rather than living to take from them. For me that means being able to depend on God to satisfy if life (or wife) isn't. I think there are some exceptions where the other person is actively trying to destroy you and the marriage by things like physical abuse, sexual infidelity, or just plain desertion. Maybe I'm misunderstanding or not fully understanding what you're saying, but your situation doesn't seem to be like that. It sounds to me like you're saying that your wife is keeping you from being happy or isn't helping you to be happy. You are responsible for making yourself happy. For me, happiness comes from knowing I'm a person of integrity, that I'm learning what it means to love, that my character and my abilities are being grown and stretched. I think if I were in your shoes, I would want to ask myself whether that would happen better by staying and toughing it out or by leaving. Even if you leave, it's not going to be like starting over right away or easily. Everyone I have known who has divorced has had to process through a lot of pain from that. Maybe more pain and more heartache than you have now. Some of them walked the long hard road and came out better people, but it wasn't easy at all for them. Other people let the bitterness get the better of them and ended up making the same mistakes again. I would encourage you to think real hard before you head down that road because it's not the clean break some people will tell you it is.
Link Posted: 3/3/2002 9:06:45 PM EDT
I wanted to add, have you tried telling her what you told us? Especially about wanting her to support you in your activities, wanting to know what's going on in her life/how she's feeling/why she's unhappy, feeling like you're pulling more of the weight with the housework or finances or whatever. I don't know her or you, so I don't know the best way to talk about that, but it seems to me you need to be honest with her about how you're feeling and what you want out of the marriage. By "what you want out of the marriage", I mean things like building a friendship, having fun like we used to, being a team--something both of you want--not "what I want you to do to make me happy".
Link Posted: 3/3/2002 9:09:03 PM EDT
I guess I should chime in my .02 cents, since I lived through something like it. If she is not happy with the situation, you will also be unhappy. If you think she will always be unhappy, you owe it to both of you to get out of the situation. If you are busy "Running down a dream" then you need to keep your morale high, or you will never succeed. Find a girl supports you. It's all about priorities, get yours straight, and the decision will be apparent. You have but one life to live (that we know of) so don't waste it. Oh, and the right decision is sometimes the hardest one. Good luck!
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