The
startling revelation has left many in the community troubled by what it
may portend for society at large. "It should be illegal to talk like
that", said Marge Stumpko, an angered low-wage waitress from Lower
Skunkworks, NY. "Aren't we all our brother's keepers? Is that all
you're leaving for my tip, turdface?"
Floyd
Grabbuck, a community organizer from Chicago, furiously described Mr.
Kookish's statement as "un-American and downright traitorous,"
suggesting that "If that ungrateful rat-bastard doesn't like how we do
things in this country, maybe he should move to a place like Russia
where the government doesn't care for its subjects and see how he likes
it there."
Eddie
Fuppish, a mismarked ballot corrector from Franken, Minnesota, sounded
more conciliatory: "The poor man needs help. Anybody that takes
responsibility for his own actions is certifiably insane. Just look at
all the big businesses selling you stuff for money. Don't tell me you
are in control of your own spending or anything else for that matter.
You're not. That's why I vote Democratic and make sure other people do
the same, even if they didn't mark their ballots that way. It's the
right thing to do. People need to be protected."
Experts,
on whom the incompetent depend to explain the complicated world they
fail to understand, are unanimous. "It's Reagan's fault," says
Professor Wilton Chumpley, a consulting sociologist from the University
of Twerp in Belgium. "Remember how in the 1980s that actor-president
mislead people into thinking they could spend their own money and run
their own lives without expert help? And then you had that crackpot
economist Milton Friedman falsely claiming that the government
shouldn't be responsible for directing people's existence. It made less
sense than the UFO stories, at least for smart people like myself. But,
tragically,
some fools took it seriously; it ruined their lives."
President Obama has not commented publicly on the controversy but has
privately told aides that "former President Bush is not getting off the
hook for the economy, the War in Iraq, Hurricane Katrina or Willard
Kookish's failures on my watch." Sources speculate that Kookish's
mortgage default will be added to the list of indictable offenses
against former Bush Administration officials.
Reverend
Al Sharpton excoriated Kookish's "arrogant fantasy," calling it "blame
the victim" rhetoric from the right and predicting that the incident
would set race relations in the US back fifty years, even though
Kookish is white. "It don't matter who the victim is, it's who's doing
the blaming that makes it wrong," Sharpton said.
Regardless
of the troubling short-term fallout from the incident, the long term
trends are clear. "We need to make people understand they don't
matter," stated House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Having become cogs in the
huge state machine, they can't be allowed to think independently and
control their lives; that's what we're here for." Pelosi stressed the
inevitability of new taxes and government programs in order to liberate
people from such delusions. "People like Willard Kookish better get
this through their thick skulls: it's not their fault, it's society's.
And that's why they need President Obama and the Democrat-controlled
Congress to subdue this country in order to fix it."
