Posted: 11/10/2009 4:24:18 PM EDT
| I am at work and having a bad day, so I need some comedy. I cannot view any pictures, so any funny stories or jokes would be appreciated. I need to laugh. |
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from the Ranstad's Militia thread because I had a super long day and can't think of any of my own at the moment - hope your day gets better:
COWBOY LOVE............ Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a b!tch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep." –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– and this one isn't a joke, just a cool (and true) story... This is pretty neat description of aerial combat. This came from a gent who runs a 2000 acre corn farm up around Barron, WI, not far from Oshkosh. He used to fly F-4Es and F-16s for the Guard and participated in the first Gulf War. His story: I went out to plant corn for a bit to finish a field before tomorrow morning and witnessed The Great Battle. A golden eagle - big bastard, with about a six foot wingspan - flew right in front of the tractor. It was being chased by three crows that were continually dive bombing it and pecking at it. The crows do this because the eagles rob their nests when they find them. At any rate, the eagle banked hard right in one evasive maneuver, then landed in the field about 100 feet from the tractor. This eagle stood about 3 feet tall. The crows all landed too, and took up positions around the eagle at 120 degrees apart, but kept their distance at about 20 feet from the big bird. The eagle would take a couple steps towards one of the crows and they'd hop backwards and forward to keep their distance. Then the reinforcement showed up. I happened to spot the eagle's mate hurtling down out of the sky at what appeared to be approximately Mach 1.5. Just before impact the eagle on the ground took flight, (obviously a coordinated tactic; probably pre-briefed) and the three crows which were watching the grounded eagle, also took flight thinking they were going to get in some more pecking on the big bird. The first crow being targeted by the diving eagle never stood a snowball's chance in hell. There was a mid-air explosion of black feathers and that crow was done. The diving eagle then banked hard left in what had to be a 9G climbing turn, using the energy it had accumulated in the dive, and hit crow #2 less than two seconds later. Another crow dead. The grounded eagle, which was now airborne and had an altitude advantage on the remaining crow, which was streaking eastward in full burner, made a short dive then banked hard right when the escaping crow tried to evade the hit. It didn't work - crow #3 bit the dust at about 20 feet AGL. This aerial battle was better than any air show I've been to, including the warbirds show at Oshkosh. The two eagles ripped the crows apart and ate them on the ground, and as I got closer and closer working my way across the field, I passed within 20 feet of one of them as it ate its catch. It stopped and looked at me as I went by and you could see in the look of that bird that it knew who's Boss Of The Sky. What a beautiful bird! I loved it. Not only did they kill their enemy, they ate them. One of the best Fighter Pilot stories I've seen in a long time. There are no noble wars –– Only noble warriors |
glad you liked them. |
my boss from a few years ago told me this one..well call him Dave (his name has been changed to protect his identity) Dave is one hell of a great guy and has a funny sense of humor...
So late one evening Dave was sitting in the living room enjoying some quality time with the T.V. when his wife (mary) gets up and says "I think I'll go take a bath" Mary goes into the bathroom and after about 15 or 20 minutes Dave hears a bloodcurlding scream... "OH MY GAWD THERE IS A MAN OUTSIDE PEEKING IN THE WINDOW AT ME!!!! Dave runs outside..He goes around the house to the bathroom window and nothing... a couple of minutes later Mary appears (no she wasnt nekkid she had a bath towell on). She asks "honey did you see him??" Dave says " no but I can see where he was standing" Mary asks "how can you tell?" Dave " there are a couple of cigarette butts on the ground right there" Mary "Ohh see I told you there was someone outside" Dave "that's not all...he also puked over there!" |