Posted: 10/29/2009 4:10:54 PM EDT
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Someone posted a few things from this website awhile back. I was browsing the site again and thought that arfcom would get a kick out of these. If you don't know what's going on, this guy basically replies to ads from craigslist.
Operation: Soccer Escort Posted at: 2009-08-07 09:03:54 Original ad: I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks! From Me to ************@comcast.net Good afternoon. My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day. If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back. Sincerely, Mike Partlow From Kate ******** to Me Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?), I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3. Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable? - Kate From Me to Kate ******** Kate, You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities. A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed. I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you. My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver. Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice. Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you. Let me know, Mike Partlow From Kate ******** to Me This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA... Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops. From Me to Kate ******** Kate, Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball. My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field. Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety. From Kate ******** to Me Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again. (later, from another e-mail account) From Nick Walken to Kate ********** Dear Kate, I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe. When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today. You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations. If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life. Nick From Kate ******** to Me what in the hell... ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––- Deer Hunter Posted at: 2009-09-08 09:05:23 Original ad: Looking for permission to deer hunt (bow, shotgun) on a property in Bucks County. I am a very responsible hunter. Willing to compensate you for your permission. From Me to ************@**********.org Hi there! I will let you hunt in my backyard. I live in an area that is infested with deer. You are more than welcome to kill as many of those white-tailed bastards from hell as you want. I only have one small favor to ask - let me know if you are interested. Mike From Dennis ********* to Me: Mike, Thank you. I only plan on bagging one or two deer. Is your property available this weekend? What is your favor? Dennis From Me to Dennis *********: Dennis, If you are concerned about not having enough room in your truck to bring the deer back, don't worry about it. You can just leave the pile of carcases in my backyard and I'll take care of them. I'll probably just drop them down my neighbor's well, or put them in my wood burner. Burning dead deer makes my house smell nice. The one favor I am asking of you shouldn't be that much of a problem. My neighbor has this goddamn cat that always wanders into my yard at night and meows. It wakes me up and I am unable to fall back asleep. Also, I can't tell you how many times I have stepped in cat shit on my patio. All I ask of you is that if you see my neighbor's cat wander into my yard, please blow that son-of-a-bitch straight to hell. Shotgun or crossbow, I don't care how you do it. Try to make it look like an accident though if my neighbor sees it happen. This weekend is fine for me. Mike From Dennis ********* to Me: How close is your neighbor's house? I was under the impression that you had a large plot of land. I feel uncomfortable with the idea of killing your neighbor's cat. Sorry. From Me to Dennis *********: My neighbor's house is about 50 yards from my house. Why won't you kill the cat? Just pretend it is a deer. From Dennis ********* to Me: The cat is someone's pet that they love. I won't kill it. I am willing to compensate you some other way. Have you had a talk with your neighbor about your problems with their cat? From Me to Dennis *********: I don't believe this. A hunter that loves animals. Now I've seen everything. I can't talk to my neighbor - she has a restraining order on me from when I went over there and punted her cat like a football. Seriously, if you kill the cat, my neighbor will have no idea. I was thinking - you said you had a bow and arrow, right? Would you be able to get those arrows with the explosive tip, like the ones Rambo uses? That would surely blow the cat into unrecognizable pieces and my neighbor would never even be able to find it. From Dennis ********* to Me: I'm fairly certain that those arrows are fictional. That is beyond the point because I am not shooting a cat. End of discussion. From Me to Dennis *********: Is this some kind of a joke? Are you from PETA? Just kill the goddamn cat and you can shoot all of the deer that you want. I'll even have the grill fired up so we can enjoy some freshly-killed venison. Also, even if those arrows aren't real, they don't seem that hard to make. What about that thing that Arnold used in Predator? Didn't he just take grenade launcher rounds and tie them to an arrow? Try that. Do you have an M203? That would work even better. From Dennis ********* to Me: I'll find somewhere else to hunt, thanks. From Me to Dennis *********: I hope that while you are hunting, you miss your shot and accidentally kill a cat anyway, you pussy. –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Basic Weapons For Kids Posted at: 2009-06-27 18:00:50 Original ad: summer nanny/babysitter needed!! must watch and entertain kids during the summer. there are ten kids, ages 7 to 9. preferrably looking for a school teacher off for the summer to teach the kids and provide fun activities. From Mike Partlow to ***********@**********.org Hello, I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun. I love kids. I have plenty of activities for them and assure you they will always be kept busy. Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss pay. Thanks, SSG Partlow From Donna ******** to Me Mr. Partlow, Thanks for responding! I am interested. Do you have any previous experience with kids? What kind of activities would you do? I am looking for something fun and eductational, and some sports for the boys. -Donna From Mike Partlow to Donna ********** Donna, I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat. They will have a blast! I will provide the firearms but I would prefer if you pay for the ammunition. I can make the activities fun and educational. Kids really seem to enjoy basic weapons training when you put it in terms they can understand, for example, I used to teach the Middle Eastern kids how to accurately fire an M203 by a modified version of "pin the tail on the donkey." Instead of a tail, it was a 40mm grenade, and instead of "pinning" it, they fired it from a safe distance. I assure you that safety is my number one concern with the kids, but also, them having fun is my top priority. SSG Partlow From Donna ******** to Me Is this a joke? You realize these kids are mostly 7 years old, right? From Mike Partlow to Donna ********** Donna, It is never too early to teach your children these basic life skills. I am aware that they are young and will adjust my program accordingly. We will be mostly using the 5.56mm M16A2, which is a great weapon for children. It is gas operated, so the recoil is minimal, making it a perfect gun for children to use. So what were you thinking as far as pay goes? I don't mean to cut to the chase, but I really need a job. SSG Partlow From Donna ******** to Me This is absurd. I really hope you aren't serious. I am not interested. Thanks. From Mike Partlow to Donna ********** Donna, I am sorry that you are not interested. You may regret this if your child is ever put in a close quarters combat situation, and doesn't even know how to pop a magazine in his rifle. If you change your mind and decide you want your kids to grow up to be men, not pussies, let me know. SSG Partlow |
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My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.
For 200$ for an hour I'd say that kind of set up is really cheap. I'd go for it just to call his bluff. |
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I was drinking from a can of soda when I read about punting the cat like a football, I lost it...I haven't shot soda out of my nose in years...and it went down the wrong pipe into my lungs.....I'm wheezing and laughing and on the floor trying to get control of myself and not hyperventilate and all my wife can do is laugh at me, not even knowing what happened.
That was awesome! |
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Quoted:
I was drinking from a can of soda when I read about punting the cat like a football, I lost it...I haven't shot soda out of my nose in years...and it went down the wrong pipe into my lungs.....I'm wheezing and laughing and on the floor trying to get control of myself and not hyperventilate and all my wife can do is laugh at me, not even knowing what happened. That was awesome! Just curious Snowbound, but isn't the 509th Anchorage? And where are you in NH? I'm Hudson. |
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From Me to ********@gmail.com RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners: Hey there! Your horse looks beautiful! Is he still available? Michael Murphy Vice President Murphy Glue Factory, Inc. From ********@gmail.com to Me RE: Clydesdale horse needs caring owners: HELL NO!!! LOL |