Posted: 7/17/2009 6:00:57 PM EDT
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Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday.
As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, "Sure." About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like." So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hitman replies, "Sure." So Jack looks and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!" This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger." Jack responds, "$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife." The hitman agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, "Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!" TCK |
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Little Johnny is at it again....
President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, would that be a tragedy?' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, would that be a tragedy?' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.' The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama.. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?' 'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss... And it probably wouldn't be an accident either. |
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What do gay cows eat?
Haaaaay! Two cowboys ridding across the prairie hear Indian war drums start up in the distance, and one says to the other,"Jake, I don't like the sound of them drums." From off in the distance a voice says "Heeeees nooot ourrr usual drummer" |
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Guy goes to confession.
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have cussed and taken the Lords name in vain." Priest- "Tell me what happened my son." "Well, I was playing golf and I hit a drive straight down the fairway 300 yards on a par 5" Priest- "Is this when you cussed." "No father. Then a squirrel came by and took my ball and ran off." Priest- "Is this when you cussed?" "No father. Then a bird flew down, grabbed the squirrell and flew away." Priest- "Now, was this when you . . . " "No father. Then the squirrel droppd the ball, it hit a tree branch, fell and landed three feet from the hole." Priest- "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?" |
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This one isn't politically-correct... The children of an elderly Jewish man decide it's time to put their father into an old folks' home, but after doing some research, they find that the best in the area is a home connected to the Catholic Church. At first they encounter some difficulty getting him into the home, but they pull some strings, he moves in, and he adapts to life in his new surroundings. A month or so later they come to visit him, and ask him how he likes the place. He doesn't answer the question directly. "Consider Dr. Anderson over there. He hasn't practiced medicine in 20 years, but they still call him 'Doctor.' And over here is Mr. Smith. He hasn't picked up a violin in 30 years, but they still call him 'Maestro.' Oh, and I forget Mr. Franklin. Why, his days in basketball are long past, but they still call him 'Coach.'" His children, not understanding what he's talking about, ask again how he likes the place. He answers: "As for me, well, I haven't had sex in 15 years, but they still call me 'the fucking Jew.'" |
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A penguin is riding his snowmobile into town when it breaks down. He drags it over to the local shop, and the polar bear proprietor says he'll take a look at it, and that it would take about half an hour. The penguin is feeling hungry, so he decides to go to the local diner to pick up a sandwich. He strolls back to the shop, munching on the BLT he bought. The polar bear is looking at his machine's engine, glances up, and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his mouth, and says, "oh, no, that's just mayonnaise." |
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Quoted:
A penguin is riding his snowmobile into town when it breaks down. He drags it over to the local shop, and the polar bear proprietor says he'll take a look at it, and that it would take about half an hour. The penguin is feeling hungry, so he decides to go to the local diner to pick up a sandwich. He strolls back to the shop, munching on the BLT he bought. The polar bear is looking at his machine's engine, glances up, and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his mouth, and says, "oh, no, that's just mayonnaise." 
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Quoted:
Guy goes to confession. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have cussed and taken the Lords name in vain." Priest- "Tell me what happened my son." "Well, I was playing golf and I hit a drive straight down the fairway 300 yards on a par 5" Priest- "Is this when you cussed." "No father. Then a squirrel came by and took my ball and ran off." Priest- "Is this when you cussed?" "No father. Then a bird flew down, grabbed the squirrell and flew away." Priest- "Now, was this when you . . . " "No father. Then the squirrel droppd the ball, it hit a tree branch, fell and landed three feet from the hole." Priest- "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?" That made me laugh |
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." The attorney sighed, "Okay, was she a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, but the baby is and that's why I wanna dayvorce." |
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Several weeks ago, Dirk, and his brother Ray were hunting birds in a local farmer's fields. They were walking along when Dirk stepped on something that made a hollow echo sound. Before he realised what it was, it gave way beneath his right foot and he fell through up to his hip.
Ray quickly helped Dirk out and they soon found what looked like a well or a mine that had been covered with boards. Dirk was fortunate to have only put one leg through the rotting boards because it looked like a long way to the bottom. Ray grabbed a rock and tossed it in the hole and waited to hear it hit bottom. After several minutes of silence, Dirk said they needed a bigger rock so they could hear better. He looked around and found a stone about twice as big as the one Ray had used. Dirk tossed it in and they waited. Nothing... Ray looked around and found a stone so large he could hardly get it in the hole, but he did, and they waited, and listened. Still, nothing. Well, that was all Dirk could put up with. Dirk is a man of little patience. He looked around and soon found an old railroad cross tie in some bushes near the hole. He got Ray to help, and together they pushed the cross tie into the hole. They waited a few moments, and suddenly a wild goat came crashing through the bushes and headed straight for them. The goat was moving faster the closer he got to Dirk and Ray. The goat broke right between Dirk and Ray and jumped in the hole without slowing down. Dirk and Ray were both flabbergasted. What in the world had gotten into that goat? He must have been mad with some disease or something. They started to cover the hole so no one would fall into it when the farmer that owned the field came walking up. He asked the two Crouse brothers if they had seen his goat anywhere. Dirk said that as a matter of fact a wild goat had come crashing up to them, and had jumped into the hole right there! The farmer looked at them and agreed that what they had just witnessed was strange indeed, but that it could not have been his goat. He went on to say that he had tied his goat to an old railroad cross tie by those bushes. |