[ARCHIVED THREAD] - Relationship advice needed (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 6/2/2009 1:20:50 PM EDT
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The situation is a long one so I'm going to try to stick to the important facts. I have been with my now wife for over 8 years. We got engaged after 3 years and then things got rocky. We broke it off and i took back the ring. We remained "dating" the entire time. She got really weird with anxiety issues. I responded like the childish early 20's male I was and started dating two other girls at the same time as her, making it a total of three girls at once. She never knew. We then ironed things out 4 years ago, got engaged again and have been very happily married for 2 years now. I have not strayed at all since we got re-engaged and never plan to. However, I also never told her about the other 2 girls I was dating. She only knows who they are and that there was a mutual attraction. She therefor hates and doesnt trust them. I have had zero contact with them since getting re-engaged.
Fast forward to yesterday. We have lived out of state for the last 3 years and are now moving back to the area that all of the above occured in. My wife got a call for an interview in a school district where one of the girls is teacher. My wife's interview is for a position in the elementary school, and the other girl works as a teacher in the middle school. She's also married now. Issue: How do I handle this like a man this time around? My priority is in protecting my wife, whatever that may be at this time. Is it best to sit her down and tell her the entire situation now or leave the past in the past? My ultimate fear is wispers and gossip if she takes the position. My wife does not deserve that. It was my actions that created the situation and I alone own them. Any advice? |
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This won't end well.
ETA: Personally, if you weren't cheating, there's no point in telling her. It could only ruin possible friendships, etc. If however you were stepping out and either of the other girls were, AND both are NOT married, then you got problems and you should tell her NOW and let her get over it. I wouldn't even get into details unless she asks, but you can't set her up like that going into an interview with a chic you used to drill. |
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"Of all the gin joints in all the world...."
Seriously. Why move back? Why, worse, even consider putting your wife into that gossip circle. You fucked up withholding information. Even if you tell now and she doesn't divorce you, the mutterings at her work will be corrosive. Move somewhere else. |
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So you would think that eventually the other girl who is a teacher will meet your wife, put two and two together and mention how she used to date the OP. Wifey finds out. Wifey gets pissed.
If it were me, I would man up and have a talk. If she loves you then it will be alright, better than keeping secrets at least. |
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I think the likelihood of your worst fears occurring are low. What are the odds that they so much as see each other? Then, what are the odds that they talk? Then, that they talk about their specific spouses and relationship history? They would have to be pretty chummy. Even after that, you've got to assume that your old fling has a shred of decency and would keep her mouth shut, or is at least self-interested to the extent that she's married and doesn't want to look like a dumb slut who fell for a player. The woman is a grown-up now, she shouldn't be that insane to start that kind of mess, and I certainly hope your wife isn't. I understand the paranoia but think the actual threat fairly remote. |
Let sleeping dogs lie!
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Very simple leave it be. Chances are that other gal barely remembers you and if she does is probably not going to say shit.
Focus on the here and now with your wife. Or MARK MY WORDS... Soon you'll be calling the other woman in hopes of trying to make things are sorted out... And things will get much worse. Drop it that was then this is now. Love your wife look forward. |
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I know this doesn't help the OP out, but I have to play the devil's advocate and apologize for the hijack....
OP, what if, you found out your wife was seeing two other guys while you were seeing two other girls. Everything being fair, you get a new job, and you find out one of the guys was dating your wife, while you were dating, but before you were married? What would your response be? |
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You're a whore. She should eject. Jane nooooo, nooooo, noooo.. they were broken up and not engaged, my dear. thats a free pass for ass. Nope, they called of the wedding but were still involved and he didn't tell her that he was going to see other people. By ARFCOM standards, as revealed by countless threads where the genders of the parties were reversed, he "cheated". In any case, I was being facetious about both the "whore" and the "eject", as I'm not nearly so prone to relationship drama as the typical ARFer. 
Actually, if I were the wife, I'd write it off as ancient history during a low point in an otherwise good relationship. I would be pissed however, if he let me get into a situation where I could come in contact with a piece of his past without knowing it. Jane |
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You assume she was not dating during the time off? OP is speaking in subtleties. It wasn't during the time off. Read carefully. He was "dating" (i.e, fucking and swapping fluids) with two other women at the same time he and the wife were back together but before they got engaged and married. He kept it from her, and now sees the need to consider telling. Not out of integrity or sense of honor, but because he sees the possibility of her finding out anyway. I say if you're a lying liar, then fucking commit. Move somewhere else. |
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We got engaged after 3 years and then things got rocky. We broke it off and i took back the ring. We remained "dating" the entire time
I'm not seeing the problem here. Other than I thought the ring was a "gift", i.e., non-refundable. But that's another deal. Maybe she was dating other people after the breakup and never brought it up. ETA Oh. "DATING" "dating." Yeah, you might have a problem there. But I don't think #2 and #3 are going to rush up to your wife and swap notes. |
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You're a whore. She should eject. Jane +1 Three at one time? Definite whore. I'm sure that, like I, you weren't really serious. We both know that a only woman in this circumstance would be whore, a man running three women simultaneously is a STUD and a veritable god among ARFCOMers 
Jane |
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You're a whore. She should eject. Jane +1 Three at one time? Definite whore. I'm sure that, like I, you weren't really serious. We both know that a only woman in this circumstance would be whore, a man running three women simultaneously is a STUD and a veritable god among ARFCOMers
Jane In your short time here you've mastered the rules amazingly. 
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You're a whore. She should eject. Jane +1 Three at one time? Definite whore. I'm sure that, like I, you weren't really serious. We both know that a only woman in this circumstance would be whore, a man running three women simultaneously is a STUD and a veritable god among ARFCOMers
Jane Oh no, I was serious. 
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Move to Utah and marry them all!!! http://www.henrywagner.org/pictures/southwest/Highway50/IMG_0650.jpg You're a bad man, Merrell. A bad, bad man. You do make me laugh though. Jane |
| Don't maention it and just leave it as is. there is no reason to dig up what is past and burried. It's no one elses business but your own. That includes your wife and the other girl. you can't controll what happened in the past, but you can control what you do now. Just keep your zipper up and everything will be fine. What matters is who you are with now and who you want to be with in the future (which better be your wife). |
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You're a whore. She should eject. +1 Three at one time? Definite whore. I'm sure that, like I, you weren't really serious. We both know that a only woman in this circumstance would be whore, a man running three women simultaneously is a STUD and a veritable god among ARFCOMers
Oh no, I was serious. That's right, hon, hold their feet to the fire; don't give an inch.
Not saying you're wrong, but me? I tend to forgive the boys their little past foibles. Besides I don't want to be up all night arguing with the usual gang of misogynistic hypocrites. Jane |
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You're a whore. She should eject. Jane +1 Three at one time? Definite whore. I'm sure that, like I, you weren't really serious. We both know that a only woman in this circumstance would be whore, a man running three women simultaneously is a STUD and a veritable god among ARFCOMers
Jane Oh no, I was serious. That's right, hon, hold their feet to the fire; don't give an inch.
Not saying you're wrong, but me? I tend to forgive the boys their little past foibles. Besides I don't want to be up all night arguing with the usual gang of misogynistic hypocrites. Jane Oh, me too - as long as they also forgive mine. Odds of that? Not high. Not that I have to worry about any of this though...so, I don't really care 
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I think the likelihood of your worst fears occurring are low. What are the odds that they so much as see each other? Then, what are the odds that they talk? Then, that they talk about their specific spouses and relationship history? They would have to be pretty chummy. Even after that, you've got to assume that your old fling has a shred of decency and would keep her mouth shut, or is at least self-interested to the extent that she's married and doesn't want to look like a dumb slut who fell for a player. The woman is a grown-up now, she shouldn't be that insane to start that kind of mess, and I certainly hope your wife isn't. I understand the paranoia but think the actual threat fairly remote. I believe this is what will really happen. However, I'm concerned with making things right to the wife. As i said in the original post, I own it all. I have no concern for covering things up, thats not the goal. Its how to move on in a way that protects the wife's feelings. |
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You're a whore. She should eject. Jane Jane, Thanks for your opinion. I posted this just to get a range of perspectives and a female's point of view is appreciated. All I can say in my defense is that at the time i was freaked out about getting married and did'nt handle it in a positive way. For the last four years I've done everything i can to be a good husband and person. |
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Update
This is what I'm thinking my plan is for now. I'm going to tell her before the interview that this other person is a teacher in the same school district. She knows enough about the situation as stated that she knows of the person, just not what level it went to. If she is offered the job I will tell her the whole situation before she makes a choice on the job. Thats what I would want if the situation was reversed. |
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You're a whore. She should eject. +1 Three at one time? Definite whore. I'm sure that, like I, you weren't really serious. We both know that a only woman in this circumstance would be whore, a man running three women simultaneously is a STUD and a veritable god among ARFCOMers
Oh no, I was serious. That's right, hon, hold their feet to the fire; don't give an inch.
Not saying you're wrong, but me? I tend to forgive the boys their little past foibles. Besides I don't want to be up all night arguing with the usual gang of misogynistic hypocrites. Oh, me too - as long as they also forgive mine. Odds of that? Not high. You're right there. But I suspect I'm a bit older than you and I've grown more philosophical about this stuff with the years. Asking them for a single standard of relationship behavior for both men and women? Please. I mean, do you chastise a pig because it can't fly. Not that I have to worry about any of this though...so, I don't really care
Nor I, I've always been a serial monogamist. And why cheat? If the relationship is unsatisfactory, end it cleanly, and move on. I mean, it's not like there's a shortage of men in the world. Jane |
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I wouldn't tell her anything. Don't bring it up and DO NOT MENTION IT. Unless you WANT a repeat of what happened last time.  Be a fucking man.If you tell her it'll show that it is still on your mind. She'll get insecure and wonder if she's your second choice. She WILL NOT SEE your self perceived nobility in the act of telling her about it. You are ASSUMING that the other women told people about it AS IF IT MEANT SOMETHING to them. Rest assured, they've moved on with their life and DO NOT give a rat's ass about yours. |
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You should post pics of the other two as least. ;) I'm not going to. Girl 1 was a college athlete who is now a university prof and girl 2 was a true country girl with blond hair and blue eyes who went on to be a teacher. I picked the sorority girl who puts up with me. |
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I wouldn't tell her anything. Don't bring it up and DO NOT MENTION IT. Unless you WANT a repeat of what happened last time. Be a fucking man.If you tell her it'll show that it is still on your mind. She'll get insecure and wonder if she's your second choice. She WILL NOT SEE your self perceived nobility in the act of telling her about it. You are ASSUMING that the other women told people about it AS IF IT MEANT SOMETHING to them. Rest assured, they've moved on with their life and DO NOT give a rat's ass about yours. I really hope thats how it goes. I can appreciate the fact thats its not important to them now, nor is it important to me. I'm stuck in the problem of thinking that being honest now is the right thing to do. If someone can rationalize that its not, I'd like to hear it. |