Saturday's a coming and I can't wait.
Gonna hurry on over, cuz I can't be late.
I'm going to the place we all love and know.
The local overpriced nightmare gun show.

I had to park my car twelve miles away.
The walk to the door takes me half a gosh darn day.
I go to the door and pay my entrance fee.
Walk around the floor, to see what I can see.
I get a sample beef jerky that tastes old and stale.
Some lady's selling garbage from her last garage sale.
I see a table with some hardware that's looking mighty fine.
I pass a pair of homies gawking at a Tec-9.
I get to the table and what do I see?
A gun I've always wanted there just for me.

I ask the dude behind the table, “How much is this thing?”
I was hoping that the price was right and wasn't going to sting.
He thought for a second, and rubbed his Grizzly Adam’s beard.
His demeanor got somber, and his face looked weird.
"This very gun was used by a NAVY SEAL.
But I'm in a good mood, so I'll cut you a deal.
Ordinarily, I'd need to get a grand for this gun.
But I'll sell it for $800, howse that sound to ya son?"

I about soiled my pants!
800 dollars! EAT MY SOCK!
It's a worn out police trade-in ratty old Glock .
I think you were drinking when you wrote your price tags.
So you can keep your stupid Glock and your lame post-ban mags.
But I didn't despair, I just went on my way.
The Class-3 table ought to brighten my day.
The man behind the table was a sketchy old cat.
With dark tinted glasses and a MOLON LABE hat.

He stood there looking proud at all his full-auto goodies.
The kind of guns that could give all us gun-nuts woodies.
I asked him how much he wanted for the Colt M-16?
He snapped his head around and started to scream.
"THESE GUNS AREN'T FOR SALE!
DIDN'T YOU KNOW?
I ONLY SHOW THEM OFF AT EVERY GUN SHOW!
I HAVE NOTHING IN THIS WORLD, NO KIDS, NO WIFE.
WITHOUT MY MACHINE GUNS I'D HAVE NO LIFE!"

His arms were flailing 'round like a bat out of hell.
And just at that moment, I caught a horrible smell.
I felt kind of bad, but it still made me laugh.
What he has is machineguns, what he needs is a bath.
So I pulled up my shirt to cover my face.
My eyes were tearing up like I got nailed with mace.
I walked off quick, the smell was just too rude.
Till I got to the table of the C&R dude.

"This rifle was handpicked and personally chosen,
by the Czar of Russia as the World’s finest Mosin.
Now lest you think it's out of your price range,
I'll let this gem go for $200 and change."
I said: Dude, you’re nuts. Out of your freaking mind.
Those guns sell for $50, for the exact same kind.
He got really mad, and threw a hissy-fit.
So I told him he could keep his outdated old kit.

I needed some ammo, so over I went,
to the ammo display in the green army tent.
The ammo guy named Tom told me to come in
and look through the baggies in the little blue bin.
He said his 10mm ammo should be somewhere in there.
Loaded by his brother Willie, hot enough to kill bear.
I politely declined, and wandered back out on the floor.
Then slowly but surely made my way back to the door.

As I left the building, the promoters said "Have a nice day."
To which I replied, "Your gun show was lame."
They asked if I had plans on ever coming back?
Yeah. Maybe the next time I'm strung out on crack.
The moral of the story is modern gun shows suck.
They are no longer the place to go if you want to save a buck.
While there are things there that we'd all like to get
It's all just overpriced crap bought off the internet.