[ARCHIVED THREAD] - For those who have lost a parent (Page 1 of 2)
Posted: 11/30/2008 6:53:15 AM EDT
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Our family just learned that my father has inoperable lung cancer. If they were to operate, the cancer would likely spread to the lymph nodes so they won't do it. They haven't said how long he has. Right now he's still able to walk and do most things, but it's already affected his voice to the point that he has to whisper.
I am my father's only son and we are very close. We have that kind of relationship were we don't really discuss how we feel about each other; we just know. He has begun showing me different things around his property (how to operate this, that, etc.) to ease his mind. It's his way of reassuring himself that I will be able to take care of my mother, which my wife and I have vowed to do. What makes it more difficult is that we all know beforehand what is coming, and we get to watch his condition worsen. I guess my question is, has anyone else gone through cancer or something similar, and how did you handle it? What are some of the things you did before the time came? How have you coped since? Thanks |
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I hope that when it is my time to go, I am given a heads-up in time for me to
face my death under my own terms. My grandfather went from changing his own oil and helping on the farm to medicated and unable to remember anyone within a year. Dementia, Alzheimers, ministrokes, whatever. I feel bad that I can end it for him. He never wanted to live like this. And I don't think anyone does. Yet the assisted living facility is packed. |
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Well, you have one small luxury I didnt which was time. I stood by my fathers side while he passed exactly 366 days ago. Its a tough, tough thing. We were close as well. He went from fine but tired on Thursday to Life Flighted to Denver and never spoke after that.
Simply put, theres no easy answer, and nothing that makes it easier. To say otherwise would be lying to you. However. Again you have the luxury of time, if even only a few weeks or months. Take every opportunity to spend time with him. Laugh. Cry. Go shooting. Buy a 6 pack and watch a game. All the little and big things. I would also say learn as much as you can. Thats something I never did, it was always a "next time" sort of thing. It was kind of funny I had always wanted to do some type of project car with my dad. We decided that changing my timing belt would be the first project (Ok, not a project car but still) and decided to do it over Christmas. I later found out I was past the suggested milage so quickly had it done at the dealership. A few weeks later I had to go back for his funeral so I guess that was good timing. Anyways man, I'm sorry for your news. Not much makes it easier, and the first few months are a real bitch. Take advantage of the time you have. I know its the canned response you hear so often but that really is the truth of it. |
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I was in a very similar situation back in '05. Found out my Dad had inoperable lung/liver cancer. It was a pretty big blow when we found out. Unlike you, we were not terribly close at the time but took the opportunity to get closer. Also unlike you, I was in the AF at the time so I only got to see him a few times from diagnosis until the day he passed.
The only thing I can tell you is that it is going to fucking suck. No if ands or buts about it. You should spend as much time as you can with him. Listen to stories, talk about growing up, tell jokes and so forth. My Dad started writing a journal while he was going through the various ordeals. I didn't get to read it until he passed, as per his wishes. It was a long night reading that. Lots of tears, mostly good and some bad. He did really, really well on the chemo. The cancer was shrinking, he gained weight, didn't lose any hair or any of the bad stuff associated with it. Then it spread to his brain and it was all downhill from there. The radiation really knocked him down. I was able to spend a month with him and Step Mom a few weeks before he passed away. It was pretty rough on me and, looking back, I wish I had spent more time talking with him instead of being scared. We did get some stuff cleared up, though, so it was worth it. Also, stepmom and I arranged a surprise birthday party for him. There had to be 100+ people there. He had no idea and had a great time. I wish he had been able to make a few more of them, but it wasn't to be. I was back in NJ for a few more weeks before I got the final call. I made it home, via airplane, a few hours before he passed away. Got to say final goodbyes and was there, with the rest of the family, when he passed. I'm glad for that. If I had missed it, I would've been even more of a wreck than I was. Advice for you? Like I said, spend as much time as you can with him. Above all else, be there at the end, whatever that ends up being. You'll be thankful that you did. It's been three years for me and I still find myself getting emotional now and then when some random thought pops up. I'm told it gets better with time, but it never really goes away. |
| I agree with time being so very important. You still have some together, use it. Even though there are unspoken understandings between you, go ahead and say what you feel for him. He may already know this, but you will be glad you did. My father was killed in an auto crash, if only I had 10 minutes to talk to him now...... |
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My Mom died in 1991 on Christmas eve from a heart attack. She was there one minute and gone the next. As you can imagine, it was a huge tragedy. Dad was never the same. he was sick and comatose for months. I personally think that he was hanging on for us kids. I would drive the 40 miles to Milwaukee to sit with him in the hospital nearly every day, It was gut wrenching to see him laying there nearly unresponsive and with all of those tubes in him. Once I told him that he did a great job raising us kids and he should let go and go be with Mom. He lasted weeks after that. He died 9 years later almost to the day of Mom's death. Their funerals were on Dec. 26th, 9 years apart.
Just try to remember that those around you will be grieving as well. They will need support. Also try to remember that what is happening is inevitable and that he is going to a better place and will know all there ever was to know. Don't be surprised if he comes around and checks in with you from time to time. I will keep you in my prayers. |
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Your situation is very similar to what mine was. My Dad died a little over 3 years ago from lung cancer. I am his only son. He did the same thing your Dad is doing.......showing how things worked around the house, etc. He even put all his "teachings and guidelines on how the house works" in a notebook. I have a hard time picking up that notebook.
It was very hard watching the cancer work on him. I'm not gonna go down that road today, but I can tell you, it was the hardest thing I ever went thru. 
I really don't know what to offer for help. Each of us deals with it in our own way. Make sure you spend as much time with him, tell him you love him, tell him what you want to tell him.............if you feel you need to say it, then say it. Just say it. When I'm out flying, I remember how he so much loved aviation. A B-36 bomber mechanic from 1950-1954. I use to take him with me once in a while on my freight runs. I look off to the west, towards the setting sun, and think of my Dad. You'll do the same. 
I try to live by the phrase "Don't cry that it's over, but be glad and thankful it occurred".........or something like that. vmax84 |
| My father died from Mesothelioma when I was 15. I, too, was an only son. It was almost 28 years ago, two days after Christmas. I know that I'm a different man now than if my father hadn't died when I was young, but I hope that it has somehow made me a better father. |
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I certainly wish you well with what will come as I am afraid it will be one of the great tests of your life. My mother fought a brain tumor for several years and the last year of it she wasn't herself at all. This meant that I really didn't have a chance to communicate meaningfully with her, but just had to watch the process and make her as comfortable as I could. I suppose I held up my end as best as I could - I don't know.
The above posts are good advice, but you probably need to be mindful of those that remain as well as the person who is ill. I think talking with your family members and trying to reach a level of communication with them, whoever they are or how closely related, will help all concerned. It is just tough on everybody involved, and you might get a lot of strength from resources that you previously hadn't called on. I guess the level of communication with your father depends on his personality, and what in your careful observation the situation seems to call for. My old man wouldn't have any talk about his health - seemed to think it was a commentary on his character or something - so I never even attempted to talk with him about it. It all depends on the individual. Your post makes you sound like a thoughtful and sensitive type who wants very badly to do the right thing. I think whatever happens you will do fine. My sincerest best wishes for you in this very tough period. |
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While it is very difficult to lose a parent, you can be thankful you have some time with him and can make the best of the time you have with him.
My dad's mom a few years ago started having some stomach pain and didn't think it was anything but an ulcer. A few weeks later she started coughing up blood. Dad took her to the hospital and they ran some tests as her conditioned deteriorated. Turned out she had acute onset leukemia and was given 5-7 days to live. She only lasted 4. That was very hard on my dad as well as my Grandpa b/c she did everything for him (Grandpa). Dad said it just didn't seem real that it happened so fast. My wife's dad passed away June 6 of 2007 after a 5-year battle with prostate cancer. He (and us) had prayed that he'd have relatively good health up until the end and then God would take him quickly. God definitely answered that prayer. He was playing golf and walking around fine 7 days before he passed away. The cancer got into his liver in the last couple weeks of his life and that's what took him. It was tough to watch him go those last few days, but we were thankful he didn't have to deal with bone cancer, which is typical of what happens with those who have prostate cancer. |
| I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. Lost my dad in '98 to cancer. You've already gotten some solid advice. The only thing that I can add is to advise you to tell him how much you love him. I know it's unspoken between the two of you but please don't miss the chance to say it. You'll never regret it.....this I promise to you. |
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My father passed from colon cancer back in 99, i was 19, if there is anything you want to say or go do with him, do it. spend as much time as you can with him. Have that talk with him and let him know that you are ready to be the man of the house and are proud to be his son.
Good luck to you bro |
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It's a bad deal! No words to express my sorrow!
I've lost both my parents in similiar fashion, and it was almost too much for me to stand. The guilt and anger, and sadness about ruined me. I don't know what to tell you, but don't do as I did! I sank into a deep depression, that lasted for years. I drank heavily, and nearly destroyed my marriage with the drinking. No real advise about how to avoid that sort of depression, but a loving caring family will help. |
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In November of 2004, my brother and I learned that our mom had stage IV kidney cancer, which had spread throughout her body. After her first surgery to remove a tumor that was putting pressure on her spine, the doctor told us not to make any plans past April.
Well, she did much better than the docs had expected, and lived a full year past what the prognosis had been. Our mom had always been a very active, vibrant, and strong woman, who had never had a major illness. As much as it tore us up to watch what was becoming of this marvelous woman, my brother and I always were strong for her (well, we at least acted strong). We made certain she made it to her chemo and radiation treatments (although she knew her condition was terminal, she agreed to participate in a clinical study using different drugs that hadn't previously been used for her type of cancer. She told us that although it was too late for her, perhaps her doing this trial would help someone else down the road), and we would take her shopping and just on drives to get her out of bed and out of the house. April 2, 2006 was her 74th birthday, and she was in great spirits. She looked better than we had seen in months, her appetite had returned, and she was strong enough to take a brief walk outside. After the party, she told us that her goal had been to make it to her birthday. On April 9, 2006, she passed away. In talking to the hospice nurse, it is quite common for terminally ill patients to set a particular goal, and practically will themselves to acheive it. Once they reach that goal, they're ready to move on. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss her, but I know that her death meant an end to the pain and suffering she was dealing with. Her passing also changed certain beliefs I had held regarding what happens we shuffle off this mortal coil. I guess what I'm trying to get at in my rambling, is to be strong for your father (as parents have a tendency to worry more about how we're dealing with their illness), and to cherish every day you still have him. You and your family shall be in my thoughts and prayers. |
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My father passed away August 1st of this year from lung cancer. He died exactly 3 weeks to the day of being diagnosed.
Spend all the time that you can with your father. The hardest part is watching your father slowly pass away, knowing that there is nothing you can do. My father went quick, I can only imagine how bad it is when it takes months of horrible suffering before passing. 
edit for my crappy spelling. |
| Sorry to hear your news. You are in for a very long road and some difficult times. Talk to your Dad and share things you have always wonted to tell or do. You will not regret it. He is going to need you and your family more then ever. The only good thing about this is you have time to say and do the things you and your family needs to do. God be with you. |
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I am sorry for what you, your father and family are going through.
My father died in a scuba diving accident when I was 20. This was 24 years ago. I was also an only son and we were very close. There is no way to sugar coat it, this will suck. It changed me, some good ways and I suppose some bad. Time does heal, but I still get choked up at certain things. I used to just focus on getting through each minute, then each hour, day ect... I would also try to think about a time down the road when the experience would give me the tools to help someone else. It is good you have time with him now I'm sure you will make the most of it. Prayer inbound. |
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Quoted:
What makes it more difficult is that we all know beforehand what is coming, and we get to watch his condition worsen. I guess my question is, has anyone else gone through cancer or something similar, and how did you handle it? What are some of the things you did before the time came? How have you coped since? Thanks My father died at home of cancer when I was 14 years old; it took almost a year for him to die. Problem is, he was already pretty well destroyed by the cancer and the failed surgery to do anything; no time to catch up or get things done. How have I coped since? Poorly, I suppose. Sorry, there aren't any good answers that make it all better. Nothing but God can ease the pain that is coming upon you. Life ain't a movie. Spend time with him, tell him you love him, stay with him even when it gets ugly. You will hate yourself for the rest of your life if you turn away to avoid the pain. Don't abandon him in his trials to avoid the pain on yourself. it is wrong, and you will suffer more if you leave him alone. |
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Quoted:
Our family just learned that my father has inoperable lung cancer. If they were to operate, the cancer would likely spread to the lymph nodes so they won't do it. They haven't said how long he has. Right now he's still able to walk and do most things, but it's already affected his voice to the point that he has to whisper. I am my father's only son and we are very close. We have that kind of relationship were we don't really discuss how we feel about each other; we just know. He has begun showing me different things around his property (how to operate this, that, etc.) to ease his mind. It's his way of reassuring himself that I will be able to take care of my mother, which my wife and I have vowed to do. What makes it more difficult is that we all know beforehand what is coming, and we get to watch his condition worsen. I guess my question is, has anyone else gone through cancer or something similar, and how did you handle it? What are some of the things you did before the time came? How have you coped since? Thanks I have been right exactly there in your shoes. I lost my Dad to inoperable lung cancer in October, 2005. One handles it by letting the terminal patient lead how HE wants to handle it. That gives Dad the proper respect he deserves to handle it how HE wants to handle it. Let him talk. You listen. Mainly, above all else: BE THERE. Be there all the way through. And it will be grueling unlike anything you can now imagine will be grueling. But you have the strength to do it. Each of us has exactly enough strength to see two parents all the way through to the end. We can do almost superhuman feats of going without sleep. We can find reserves of strength we did not believe we had. Literally. I could shoulder and carry a 170 lb man, and I am not that strong. No way could I do it under other circumstances. BE THERE WITH YOUR DAD ALL the WAY THROUGH. In many, many ways it can and will be among the most magnificent times in your lives. You will feel and know one another in ways that otherwise never occur. Death is inevitable. Death by lung cancer is grueling. I won't lie about that. Nonetheless, you will reap great, great wellbeing from being there with him. And he will KNOW you are there ALL the way through. Drop whatever else is in front of you to do. Be there for him. Feel free to PM me any time. You are NOT alone in this. One big important thing you can do is do NOT let your Dad completely into the care of women. Yes, I am a woman. But I made sure that my Dad had men come visit him all the way through, just for the normalcy of it. Men tend to shy away from the messy, disgusting physical aspects of a terminal illness. Get over it. Women, including nurses, have a BAD tendency to baby-talk to terminal patients. Do NOT let anyone baby-talk your Dad. I stood up and reamed out more than one nurse for it. I'd tell them "That is one HELLUVA man and one HELLUVA warrior in front of you, and he WILL be spoken to RE-SPECT-FUL-LY. Do I make myself CLEAR???" Stand up for your Dad. He is your hero. Now you go be his hero. |
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We never saw it coming when Mom died. Just a call at 3am saying that Mom was in the hospital and we needed to go down there. My sister and I showed up only to see my Dad crying saying that Mom had died. We later found out it was from a heart attack.
That was 5 years ago and I still feel the hole in my heart every day. Its a lot less painful now but still there nonetheless. Do things with your Dad if he is able to. Do the stuff he has always dreamed of, take that trip to where ever. Make the absolute best of the time he has left, tell him the things you have always wanted to say but never did for what ever reason. Make sure he knows how much you love him. Ask him anything you have always wanted to know, and write down the important stuff. My grandfather always regretted not asking his father a few things. Just be there for him, he is feeling more alone in the world than he ever has. |
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Make sure your Dad has a will. It sounds like he is handling his businees, as far as showing you how things work around your property etc.
Even though it is hard on you, your Dad and Mom's only real wish is that they die before you. Once you have children you will understand this. My Dad got pancreatic cancer and died about 6 weeks later. He died on his 55th birthday. |
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I lost my Dad almost three years ago. The pain subsides over time, but never disappears. I don't dream about him as much as I used to.
Make sure you tell him you love him. I said that to my Dad on the last day of his life. It's the only time I ever remember saying that to him. He told me that he loved me too. I still visit his grave at least once a month to "talk" to him. |
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Next,
I cared for my father for the last four months of his life before he died of pancreatic cancer. I consider myself to be astoundingly fortunate to have been given the opportunity to pay him back some small measure of what he had given me. This is a watershed moment in your life. Talk openly with him. As trying as a time like this is right now, for the rest of your life you will know that you did right by your father. My prayers are with you and him. |
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I'm truly sorry about your dad and recent diagnosis. But there are resources that can help both your dad and family in dealing with many of your concerns.
I would strongly recommend that you consider hospice care for your dad. I know when you hear the word hospice the first thing that comes to mind is "death" and "the end of life or final days." But that is not so. Hospice is available to individuals who meet certain criteria mandated by Medicare in order to receive hospice care. It doesn't mean "impending death" or care only provided in the very last days of life, but is a consideration for assisting your dad and family. Hospice does not expedite or accelerate your father's illness or death. Many people who receive hospice care continue to qualify for services for months or even years. I am not saying that this is the case with your dad, but I hope it does offer some comfort in knowing that the word "hospice" is not an automatic or immediate "death sentence." Not only does hospice provide care for your dad at his home, but they also provide sources of comfort for the family. They will assist you in understanding and accepting your dad's illness. They can also offer advice and guidance so that you can actually enjoy this phase of your dad's life, help him reflect and pass on knowledge that he feels is pertinent. It sounds like your dad is going through the process of "life review" which normal. Be accepting of his instruction and encourage him to share memories or past stories with you. Believe me, you won't regret these moments. Each person has a special relationship with their parent. This may be a period of time where you can express more emotion to your dad and vice versa. Or your relationship may remain as it has always been without actually verbalizing your emotions. Doctors, especially oncologists, have a difficult time recommending hospice care to their patients as the doctors feel they must "do more" for their patients. But no one can accurately predict how much time your dad has or when he will pass. If you decide to inquire more about hospice care, you can request a doctor's order/referral for hospice or simply contact a hospice in your area who can provide you with information and all the advantages of such care. They will provide nursing care, communication with the doctor regarding your dad's condition, receive direct orders from the physician without your dad actually having to go to the doctor's office and titrate medication dosages. They are available 24/7. Home health aides, social workers, and volunteers are great sources of assistance. All medical equipment will be provided for your dad as his needs require. His medications that are directly prescribed for his diagnosis will be provided (such as pain, nausea, laxatives, steroids, etc.) and the expense completely covered by hospice. Depending on the state you where you reside, there may be a small fee for medications. Hospice services do vary a bit in different states. Hospice is paid for by Medicare, Medicaid, insurance and even to those without coverage of any type. There will be no expense to your dad. I know your question was how to deal with your dad's illness and how to relate to him at this time. And I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with information. If you'd like to IM me, please do so. |
| Lost my father in a similar fashion 3 years ago. There is nothing that can prepare you for watching your father die. Your father's life will likely end in hospice and that's not all bad. They will offer you counseling and some reading material that will answer questions you have never had to contemplate. Listen to them and read and also know they will not let your father suffer. |
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Quoted:........ how did you handle it? What are some of the things you did before the time came? How have you coped since?
I lost both of my parents when I was age 18........that was 34 years ago. Time..........it's just time........ 
My daughter asked me recently how I managed to handle that and come to grips with it. I told her "When I do....I'll let you know." It's a continuous long term process. |
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My father also died from lung cancer on July 5, 2006. I helped my mother care for him for 9 months after his diagnosis. He never gave up hope of being cured, but we knew it was about to end for him. He handled his death well. Only time will help you recover from his death. You will never forget him and what you do now with him will be in your heart forever. Let him know how much you love him. Make sure he has made peace with the Lord and let him go. Suffering is a terrible thing. We only talked about current events and watched movies together while he laid in bed. I cooked for him the things his mother made to comfort him. He was on hospice at home and had a nurse check on him almost daily. He never walked again after being diagnosed because of Parkins Disease. I don't think he knew he was dying until close to the end. We tried to maintain hope. We never did talk about what to do after he passes or go out and do things together. We just made him as comfortable as possible and he NEVER complained about anything, even pain.
He was cremated and his urn sits in a wall at the National Cemetary. I go see him as often as possible and let him know I am taking care of mom. She was his life. |
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I tell ya... this is one great group of people here at ARFCOM.
My dad has had a few scares. Triple bypass after a heart attack, tumor in his colon which we were told was cancerous until they managed to get it out. I'd never seen my dad scared before, but I could see in his eyes how scared he was, and that me just being there was VERY comforting. It really made me realize that my dad was just another human being and not a Superman. Until those times I never really told my dad I loved him. Since, I have spilled my guts to him countless times as to what a great father he is and that I'd never be where I am today without his guidance and love. There is not a time I talk to him that I don't tell him I love him. Nothing is out of bounds now, my friend. Comfort him, tell him you love him and let him know how proud you are to have him as your father. |
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I lost my mom to lung cancer on Sept 1. We found out last year just before Thanksgiving...
I work offshore, so I'm not home much, but I spent whatever time I could with her. I was able to take her to her first treatments, and her first doctor's visits... My brothers took turns with most of the followup visits. As things got worse, we found things to make her life easier. It started with a lift chair when she couldn't operate her recliner... A bedside commode placed over her toilet to make it easier to get up. A walker... A wheelchair... When the time came, a hospital bed... Whatever food caught her fancy, either myself or one of my siblings cooked or bought. When she started having real trouble getting around, and needed help often, I took off from work. I was away from work for about 2 and a half months. I was her primary care provider for as long as I could by myself. When things got too tough, my sister moved in, and we took care of her. We had a home health care service until she was no longer able to get out of bed, then we called hospice in. We visited, we talked, we brought as many of her family and friends by as we could. We made her as comfortable as we could. Nothing will prepare you for this... And you'll never be quite the same after... But I wouldn't have traded those last two and a half months for anything. Sam |
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My father passed away in August of this year after a three week hospital stay. Talk to him, spend every minute you can with him, get him to answer any questions you have about him, his life, his dreams, learn from him. Don't leave anything unanswered. I a sorry for your situation. My dad showed me what a true man was, he never complained despite tremendous pain and suffering.
If at all possible make arrangements, work etc, to be with him when it is time. My dad died with his family surrounding him, no one should have to die alone, it is one of my greatest fears. I told my job, who was supportive, that when that time came, I would be gone until I came back. That is something I will NEVER regret. |
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What do you want your son to do when it's your time?
Best things we did for my dad when he was sick was arranging quality time together, as many as possible given medical concerns, and as light as we could make it. Second best was to respect dad's wishes. If he chose to shorten his life walking around when his balance wasn't the best, he'd earned the right. Say your piece, once, (often enough to stick if dementia is an issue) then let them choose how they go. (Common sense has to prevail too, dad wanted his keys from time to time, I told him he could have them when he forked his own breakfast into his gullet three days running.) Dignity, respect, and help them avoid as much pain as possible. If my kid gets all sloppy when I go, and stays that way more than an hour at most, I'm coming back to haunt his ass. He knows this. Raise a shot to me, remember how I lived once in a while, not how I died, and move on, you'll join me soon enough, time on earth is not for wasting. Every father's wish for every son ever born, if they even begin to earn the title, "dad". Held his hand when he crossed over, then got busy raising his grandkids the way he wanted. I miss that grumpy old goat more than once every day, and find something that needs done every time. Somewhere, well he may not be smiling but he's telling me, "I guess it'll do..." |
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Quoted:
Quoted:........ how did you handle it? What are some of the things you did before the time came? How have you coped since?
I lost both of my parents when I was age 18........that was 34 years ago. Time..........it's just time........
My daughter asked me recently how I managed to handle that and come to grips with it. I told her "When I do....I'll let you know." It's a continuous long term process. This. Miss you dad
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I guess my question is, has anyone else gone through cancer or something similar, and how did you handle it? What are some of the things you did before the time came? How have you coped since?
I lost my Mom to cancer in 2002. I decided that while my Mom was still well enough to hold a conversation, I wanted to have the "say it all" conversation. I thought for weeks about what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her how much she has meant to me through my life, but in a concrete way. I knew that one thing that worried her was that she wouldn't get to be there for my brother and I for as long as she had hoped. I reassured her that I would always feel the love and support she had given me. I thanked her for being the Mom that she was, and I forgave anything she could possibly have thought she had done that hurt me (thought I could not, and can not, think of a single example). It was a really hard conversation to have. It was in private, and we cried a lot, and we talked about many shared memories. But I said the things I needed to say. And how have I coped? It's different for everybody, but keep in mind two things: It is OK to talk about your Dad and your feelings with someone, and it is OK to cry. |
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Lost both of my parents to cancer they were both 54 when the died. My heart goes out to you it is not an easy thing to go thru. My bigest regret was not spending more time with them, I was by there side every day but once they are gone it is never enough.
The one thing I wished someone had told me was there will come a time when they are taking so much pain medication that they begin to ask for things or make requests for things that make no sense. Try to honer there wishes but be tuned in to the fact that they may not be capable of making decisions for themselves at some point. Cancer is awfull but I would rather go that way (At an old age of course) than suddenly you can say goodbye and settle things. In my parents final days they were ready to die and I came to grips with the fact that it was time for them to go- the pain the medicne-no reason to go on. I matured to a different level when they passed and the things I used to want no longer mattered. Losing them and cleaning out there house made me realize the material stuff that we strive to posses doesnt mean a thing. I spend every free moment with my wife and kids and I truly enjoy every minute.I will have no regrets that I could have spent more time with people I care about when it my time. Best wishes to you and your family my thoughts are with you. |
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Both of my parents are gone.
My dad died suddenly from a heart attack. My mom died from a 4 year battle with lung cancer. Although it was difficult to watch, my mom's death offered a better opportunity for closure; we doted on her, spent more time with her, said what needed to be said.... And when she passed, we were all at her side, all 6 of her kids, telling her we loved her. Sad... but inevitable. And also strangely beautiful. And believe it or not.... when the time comes.... what your dad may want to hear is, not that you'll miss him terribly... but that you'll be OK. Prayer can also help you all through this. |
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I feel for you.
I lost my dad to liver cancer in a matter of 4 months, I lost my mother suddenly. I probably will never be able to say which way was easier. Was nice to be able to talk with my dad some before he got to where he couldn't speak. Spend what time you can with him, write things down, your brain is about to make mush look good. Luckily, you still have your mother around, that will help, but will still be hard I imagine. Good luck, praying for a miracle. |
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Lost my mom July 16th of this year, lost my dad a few years ago but it seems like months. Lost my Aunt and Uncle who I was very close to a few years ago as well along with a bunch of friends. The biggest loss was my mom: that one that I won't recover from. It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from. I cared for her for the last 14 years. All you can do is try to keep yourself very busy and try to take care of yourself the way your loved one's would of wanted you to do. The bad moments come and go like anything else. This is what life deals to us. God bless you and your family and all the other members here who are suffering with their losses.
One bit of advise: when making medical decisions etc: go with your gut instinct and do not allow anyone talk you in or out of any critical decisions that you feel uncomfortable about making. Get a second and a third opinion if you need to. And try to spend as much time with him as you can... it will help you later. and ask your dad what he wants.. that will also help you and your family |
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My father died of lung cancer in 1999. Soon after he was diagnosed, I was laid off. His first words to me were not to worry about him. He had had his life and if I needed to move across country to provide for my family I was to do it and not worry about him. The day I was to start my new job was his funeral. Most patient man I knew. Nothing really bothered him except if we lied about something. Even during his two year battle with cancer he never complained about anything.
When taking him for treatment one day he told me why he was not afraid of death. He had faced it, avoided it and looked upon every day since that date as a gift from God. He served on the U.S.S. Washington in WWII (BB56). One day of Okinawa he was leading a work detail outside the N0. 3 turret. Suddenly out of the sun came a Kamikazi heading straight for his work party. With little time to react he ordered everyone into the turret. He did not have time to make it in himself. As the plane came right towards him it suddenly veered a bit, flew over the deck only about 50 feet from him and crashed into the sea next to the ship. He could see the pilots face as he flew by. He never figured out why the pilot pulled up. The day he died I was not in the hospital room with him. I was told to attend my son's high school graduation. Actually ordered to as that is what he wanted. He literally died at the same time my son was crossing the stage to get his diploma so maybe he was there too. He wasn't well educated, but taught me volumes about living by the way he lived his life. |