Posted: 11/19/2008 2:19:58 PM EDT
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Colonoscopy....the humorous side
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. 
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| When I get my next one I want to get some of my shooting, flying and drinking buddies to do it at the same time. During the prep ceremonies we can all sit in a multi-stall type rest room and talk while we grade/score the noises coming from one another's stalls. Laughing might make it more bearable. |
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Quoted:
NICE!!! i'm a GI sales specialist, so i can feel your pain even though i never been scoped! i precepted in 7 colonscopies and 2 EGDs, some nasty smells...  On some sigmoid procedures they are now skipping the anasthesia. I am not making this up. You lie on your left side, facing a monitor watching the happy cam and the next thing you know OH MY GOD IT IS HEADING FOR MY BUTT. Saves the HMO about $2K (for not knocking you out). Some friendly advice: PAY THE 2K YOURSELF!!! YOU WAIT UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU!!! |
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Quoted:
Quoted:
NICE!!! i'm a GI sales specialist, so i can feel your pain even though i never been scoped! i precepted in 7 colonscopies and 2 EGDs, some nasty smells... On some sigmoid procedures they are now skipping the anasthesia. I am not making this up. You lie on your left side, facing a monitor watching the happy cam and the next thing you know OH MY GOD IT IS HEADING FOR MY BUTT. Saves the HMO about $2K (for not knocking you out). Some friendly advice: PAY THE 2K YOURSELF!!! YOU WAIT UNTIL IT HAPPENS TO YOU!!! Had one done earlier this year they put me out. Had one done 10+ years ago and I got to watch. They had given me a valium so it wasn't bad. |
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if you really want to see pics..
3 years ago when I was 40 had this done. good thing had a couple polyps removed. the roids not so good. that surgery was a bitch. www.njrod.com/images/nsidemyass.jpg |
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He was lucky.
They did not give me enough anesthetic, and I got to see part of my colonoscopy. I think it was when I grit my teeth, and began to stand up in pain that they figured out that I was not as comfortable I maybe I should be (spraying water up there to clean areas for inspection is not as pleasant as it sounds). After that, I do not remember anything until recovery. |
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Quoted: My fate soon...perhaps this winter. Funny stuff! I'll copy and send to my wife who is also putting this procedure off. dvo The procedure itself is nothing, really. The day before sucks, big time. For me, not so much because of the crapping, but I was really fucking hungry. Don't put it off, nipping polyps at the bud, early is very important. |
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Quoted:
Quoted:
My fate soon...perhaps this winter. Funny stuff! I'll copy and send to my wife who is also putting this procedure off. dvo The procedure itself is nothing, really. The day before sucks, big time. For me, not so much because of the crapping, but I was really fucking hungry. Don't put it off, nipping polyps at the bud, early is very important. Was that intentional? But really, I would never go to a friend to have him look in my colon. It's just too weird. I would go to someone he recommends if he'll do that. |
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Quoted:
I laughed because it is so true. Only my prep was called GoLYTELY. It made me go, but it was anything but lightly
He forgot to mention the gas afterward, I woke myself up in the recovery area because I farted so loud and long  I had the same "prep".
Vodka does help a bit. I went in for my first at 37. They found a polyp. I'm on the "every 3 years" plan now. Oh well, I guess it's better than cancer. |
| Had to get a Lower GI in 1987. Gallon jug of cleaner that I had to drink the evening before the procedure was the worst experience in my entire life. One gallon of saltwater tasting death. Not quite ready for the colonoscopy yet, but at least they have improved the process a tad bit. |
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I didn't find it funny. The prep is beyond miserable. Of course with my condition the prep reacted to the lining of my colon and it literally felt like I had taken a gallon of acid and it was sloshing round my insides + spending a stupid amount of time on the can.
Then the for the main event, they doped me up so much my blood pressure was dangerously dropping, and they had to bring in 3 nurses to sit on me, because I was coming up off the table when they violated me. Some of the worst pain i've ever felt. My mind was crystal clear, and the dumbass foreign Dr couldn't understand that if he left it still for 5 seconds and let me regroup before violating me further it would be better for both of us. Instead he took it to mean go faster and get it over with which ended up worse. I still get chills thinking about it. Where the hell is miniaturization. I'm not looking forward to them doing it again. But knowing I didn't have cancer is a good thing. |
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Quoted: I laughed because it is so true. Only my prep was called GoLYTELY. It made me go, but it was anything but lightly He forgot to mention the gas afterward, I woke myself up in the recovery area because I farted so loud and long Not to rain on one's manhood, but after the reaming you took, that was an ass queef you experienced. |
I had my first one a year ago. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. The Golytely was horrible. Despite being less than six feet from the crapper I fouled my bathroom floor in a projectile manner.  The next morning I went to the hospital for the procedure. I was still having having to go to the bathroom and was starving. The doctor came in and talked about the procedure. He reassured me but warned me that I wouldn't be entirely unconscious, more like in a twilight and I might have some memory of the procedure. I didn't dwell too much about what he said at the time but I should have. They hooked me up and I started counting backward from 100. I don't think I made it much past 90 and then I was sitting back in the recovery room in a most indignant mood. I locked my ass in the bathroom because I felt an intense urge to go but nothing was in there of course. The old biddy nurse was knocking on the door bitching up a storm and I wouldn't let her in. My wife came and I let her in. I didn't remember squat but I was highly pissed and just wanted to leave. I was still feeling the anesthesia and when I pulled out my IV I meant to press down on the vein but couldn't. My wife freaked and called the nurse in. She was not happy with me and started bitching again. I told her I wanted to leave and she told me I could not. To which I replied "Bitch, I live less than a block away, I'll walk if I have too!" The Doc came and told me I had a nasty little illness, gave me some Vicodin for discomfort and a script for some other stuff and left. My wife took me home and put me on the couch. She gave me a beer, some Vicodin, some food and I was good to go. She later told me what a horses ass I had been but I write that off as I was drugged and basically ass raped. Let's here more tales of ass rape!
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Quoted: I had my first one a year ago. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. The Golytely was horrible. Despite being less than six feet from the crapper I fouled my bathroom floor in a projectile manner. The next morning I went to the hospital for the procedure. I was still having having to go to the bathroom and was starving. The doctor came in and talked about the procedure. He reassured me but warned me that I wouldn't be entirely unconscious, more like in a twilight and I might have some memory of the procedure. I didn't dwell too much about what he said at the time but I should have. They hooked me up and I started counting backward from 100. I don't think I made it much past 90 and then I was sitting back in the recovery room in a most indignant mood. I locked my ass in the bathroom because I felt an intense urge to go but nothing was in there of course. The old biddy nurse was knocking on the door bitching up a storm and I wouldn't let her in. My wife came and I let her in. I didn't remember squat but I was highly pissed and just wanted to leave. I was still feeling the anesthesia and when I pulled out my IV I meant to press down on the vein but couldn't. My wife freaked and called the nurse in. She was not happy with me and started bitching again. I told her I wanted to leave and she told me I could not. To which I replied "Bitch, I live less than a block away, I'll walk if I have too!" The Doc came and told me I had a nasty little illness, gave me some Vicodin for discomfort and a script for some other stuff and left. My wife took me home and put me on the couch. She gave me a beer, some Vicodin, some food and I was good to go. She later told me what a horses ass I had been but I write that off as I was drugged and basically ass raped. Let's here more tales of ass rape!Hmm, I felt tingly and pleasured afterwards. I already made my next appointment for next year. They wouldn't give in to my request for a quarterly procedure.  I have a family history of colon cancer, and they found a tiny polyp. Essentially, I'm committed to every two or three years until I die. |
