Posted: 9/18/2008 9:48:41 PM EDT
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The American Medical Association has declared that the long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be more fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is now projected that by the year 2015 there will be fifty million people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them. |
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Her Side of the Story: He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised. I don't remember doing anything to upset him, but could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow so I thought we should go someplace intimate and talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I tried to get him to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I went to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep instead. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else. His Side of the Story: Played lousy today - shot 87 - can't putt. Felt kind of tired. Got laid though. |
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I HAVE DECIDED I WANT TO BE A PIG ...in case you run out of things to think about today!!! If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Hardly seems worth it. If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Now that's more like it! The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Oh My God! A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy...I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body lengths. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) |
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FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH . . . TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE . . . * Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. * ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit . . . not a color. *Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. * If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. * If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. * We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. * Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. * If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. * Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. * Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it. *The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. * We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. *Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? * Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. * Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. * When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. * You have enough clothes. * You have too many shoes. * Crying is blackmail. * Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!! * Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. * Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. * Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. * A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. * Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the @%&*$ they're saying anyway.) * Check your oil. * It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. * Anything we said 6 months or 6 years ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. * If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. * You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both. * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. * If it itches, it will be scratched. * BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. * If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping. |
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Academic Phrases and Meanings The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere! "It has long been known"... I didn't look up the original reference. "A definite trend is evident"... These data are practically meaningless. "While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. "Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"... The other results didn't make any sense. "Typical results are shown"... This is the prettiest graph. "These results will be in a subsequent report"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded. "In my experience"... once "In case after case"... twice "In a series of cases"... thrice "It is believed that"... I think. "It is generally believed that"... A couple of others think so, too. "Correct within an order of magnitude"... Wrong. "According to statistical analysis"... Rumor has it. "A statistically oriented projection of the significance of these findings"... A wild guess. "A careful analysis of obtainable data"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of pop. "It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"... I don't understand it. "After additional study by my colleagues"... They don't understand it either. "Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant. "A highly significant area for exploratory study"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee. "It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field"... I quit. |
