Posted: 11/29/2001 1:10:59 PM EDT
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Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you? It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat." Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?" Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business." [smoke] |
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One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, for starters, I don't think you should spank him." --- A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick." --- A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger." --- A doctor sat his patient down and said: "Well, I've got some good news & I have some bad news" "Start with the bad news", the patient sad "You have about 2 days to live", the Doctor answered "SHIT", the patient shouted. "What's the good news?" "See my new hot receptionist? I'm banging her" --- A guy walks into a convience store, the sign says: hamburgers- $2.00 Cheeseburgers- $3.00 Handjobs- $5.00 He asks the pretty young blonde cashier if she’s the one who give’s those $5 handjobs. “why yes I am” she replied. “Then wash your hands, and make me a cheeseburger.” --- A guy goes to the optometrist. The Doctor tells him, “You’ve got to stop masturbating!” “Why Doc,” he asked, “am I going blind?” “No,” the Doctor explained, “but you’re upsetting the other patients in the waiting room!” --- It was the second grade teacher’s birthday. So every child in the class was giving her a special gift. Anna’s mother owned a flower shop, so Anna gave the teacher some beautiful flowers. Robert’s parents owned a candy shop. Robert gave the teacher a wonderful box of assorted candies. Then it was little Johnny’s turn. Johnny’s dad owned a liquor store! So Johnny brought a big box for his teacher. When little Johnny handed the box to his teacher, she noticed that the bottom of the box was wet. So she put her finger on it and tasted. “Is it wine?” the teacher asked. “No, it’s not wine!” Johnny replied. She tasted it again. “Hmmmmmm. Is it some sort of liquor?” “Nope, it’s not liquor!” said Johnny. She tasted it again and was puzzled. “Well, Johnny, I give up. What is it?” Johnny was excited. “It’s a puppy!” he said. --- A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard..... The hunter says, “OK, now what?” |
| The scene is an ol'-fashioned tent revival in the deep South. The preacher is on fire and has the crowd worked into a frenzy. "I tell you, brothers and sisters, there's only one way to enter the Kingdom of Heaven: you got to confess your sins!" A man in the front row jumps up and yells, "Preacher, I've known my neighbor's wife!" "That's right, brother, you got to tell it all, you got to come clean and let the blood of the lamb cleanse your soul ..." A woman in the middle of the crowd jumps up and says, "I've coveted my brother's property!" "Yeah, sister, you got to TELL IT ALL, confess your sins ..." A man on the very back row jumps up and says, "Preacher, I screwed a goat!" The preacher stops in mid-stride, takes a deep breath, and says, "Brother, I think I'd a kept that to myself." |
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A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't ," breathes the bartender. "He's out of town. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is actually. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there's no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room." |
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Blonde walks into a icecream shop.On the door is a sign that says :NO CHOCOLATE ICECREAM TODAY. She walks up to the counter and ask for a choolate ice cream cone. The guy says Im sorry we are out of chocolate,I guess you didn't see the sign.Can I get you anything else. Yeah,a bannana split with chocolate ice cream. Mam I said were out of chocolate.can I get you anything else. How about a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Were out of chocolate but can I get you anything at all. How about a hot fudge with chocolate ice cream. Mam can you spell the van in vanilla VAN Can you spell the straw in strawberry. STRAW Can you spell the fuck in chocolate Theres no fuckin chocolate THATS WHAT I BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU! |
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Guy goes to a doctor because his elbow hurts, doc says there is no problem after a few weeks of going to different doctors and hearing the same thing he finally hears about this doctor who is beta testing some high tech computer to diagnose his patients, so he goes to him doc hands him a cup for a urine sample, the doc dumps it into the computer and it does some things and doc looks at the printout and says there is noting wrong with you, you are completely healthy, thy guy argues that it can't be possible because his elbow still hurts, so the doc hands him a bill for $200 and says take a cup with him and he can come back in two weeks to try again. So the guy is all pissed about the bill for $200 so the night before his appointment the guy is still upset about the bill se he is like I'll fix his ass... has his wife pee in the cup, has his daughter pee in the cup, goes in the garage and drains a little tranny fluid in the cup and then goes and jerks off in the cup, takes it to the doctor the next day still thinking he'll get him good... Doc dumps it in the computer the computer starts going nuts and prints out 12 pages of stuff the doc in disbelief looks at the papers and says here is the deal.... Your wife has gohneria Your daughter is pregnant Your transmission its wiped and if you don't stop jerking off your elbow will never get any better.... |
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Farmer Joe was in an accident and decided his injuries were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. "Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun still in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'" |
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An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the new baby. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. |
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A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. "That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her." |
| a man walks into a docters office and says docter im having trouble with my sex life. the doctor hands the man a a bottle of pills. ok sir just dont take more then 1 ok. the man comes back the next day doctor i took the pills i still am gavibng trouble getting it up. ok try it agien just take 2 pills this time. same thing happens. the next day the mans son comes in. the doctor says whats wrong? well last night my dad took the whole bottle. my moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my ass hurts and hes wondering around the house saying Here kitty kitty. |
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A man goes to see a sex therapist. He begins talking with the therapist and tells him his problem: " Doc, I've been married for 8 years, for some reason I just can't get it up anymore...". Well, the therapist seems puzzled since the man appears to be only in his early 30's. He thinks for a second and says, " Ya know, every now and then my wife and I begin having problems like that, sex just loses its excitement." The man asks, " What do you do to solve the problem?" He answers " I buy my wife some sexy lengerie, take her out to dinner, then we rent a romantic video and watch it together." The man responds, " Great idea, I'll try it and see what happens."... A week later the man comes back, the therapist sits him down " well sir, did you try what I said?" "Yes I did". "Tell me, how did it work?" The man responds " It worked like a charm and by the way, you sure have a pretty wife." |
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A young woman, who works as a stripper, decided to go to a nursing home and give a dance for the elderly fellas. She spots a guy sitting in a chair. She does a little dance, lifts up her skirt and says, "super pussy." The old timer says to the young woman, "What did you say, I don't hear to good." She does her little dance a few more times to the same results. Finally she dances really close to him and pushes her pussy in his face and yells, "super pussy!" The old timer say, "I'll take the soup." |
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A farmers wife was in her kitchen cooking one morning. She picked up a can of carnation milk and read on the label about a contest the company was having. Whoever submitted the best slogan for their product would win $50. She sat down with a pencil and paper and wrote "Carnation Milk, best in the land. Comes to you in a red and white can." She couldn't think of anything else at the moment, so she pushed the paper aside and went about her chores. Later in the day her husband came in from the field and sat down at the table for a glass of ice tea and saw the letter his wife had started. After reading about the contest on the can label, he picked up the pencil, wrote some more to the slogan, sealed it in an envelope and put it in the mail box. Two weeks later the farmers wife checked the mail and was surprised to see a letter from carnation milk as she had completely forgot about the contest. She opened the envelope and inside was a $50 check and a letter. The letter said "Congratulations! You are the lucky winner! Enclosed is a check and a copy of your slogan. Confused, she read the enclosed slogan. Carnation Milk, best in the land. Comes to you in a red and white can. No tits to squeeze, no hay to pitch. Just poke a hole in the son of a bitch! |
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Why do Canadians make love doggy-style? So they can both watch the hockey game on TV. _____ A guy is working in his yard when the blonde next door comes out, walks down to her mail box, looks in, and goes back in the house. Ten minutes later, she comes out again. Walks down the drive, looks in the mail box, slams the mail box door, and goes back inside. Another ten minutes and she comes out again. She looks in the mail box, slams it shut, kicks it, and stomps up the driveway. The guy calls out, "Anything wrong?" She says, "My stupid computer keeps saying I've got mail, and there's nothing there!" _____ A guy is sitting at a bar drinking beer. He has been there for several hours, and the bartender realizes the guy haven't gone to the bathroom yet. The bartender keeps an eye on him, the guy drink about 4 or 5 more beers in the next hour and still no trip to the bathroom. Couple more beers and the guy gets up, walks over to the front door, stands in the doorway and unzips his pants. The bartender says, "Hey, you can't piss there." The guy says, "I ain't gonna piss here. I'm gonna piss waaaaaay over there." |
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A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it." The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind". The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do so again they head for the stairs. The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors... So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight" The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman." |