Posted: 3/11/2008 9:23:55 PM EDT
|
The Norwegian's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. Good God, Lena! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?, Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any. The Norwegian immediately reaches into his pocket and says, For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear. Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not? She replies, I can't afford any on the money you give me. Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear! Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers? She too explains, You dinna give me enough money ta be able to affarrd any. The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, Well fer love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit. 
|
 Subject: Do animals stutter? A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say " Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!" |
|
| My buddy and his wife were at a bank yesterday that was robbed. The felon was 2 people ahead of him in line. The robber told the teller to fill the bag up with money. As she was doing this he turned around to the man behind him and asked if he saw anyone robbing the bank. The man said yes and the robber shot him. The robber then pointed the gun at my buddy and asked him if he saw anyone robbing the bank. My friend said "No, but my wife did!" |
 Not what I expected. |
|
How To Give A Cat A Pill. > > 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if > holding > a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's > mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right > hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close > mouth and swallow. > > 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in > left > arm and repe! at proc ess. > > 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. > > 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear > paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of > mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. > > 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call > spouse from garden. > > 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and > rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head > firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill > down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. > > 7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. > Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep > shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for > gluing > l ater. > > 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just > visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force > mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. > > 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 > beer to > take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood > from carpet with cold water and soap. > > 10 Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed Get another pill. Open another > beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head > showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat > with elastic band. > > 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on > hinges. > Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold > compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. > Ap! ply > whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw > Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. > > 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the > road. > Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid > cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. > > 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine > and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning > gloves > from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet > steak. > Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down > throat to wash pill down. > > 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the > emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm > and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way > hom! e to or der new table. > > 15 Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local > pet > shop to see if they have any hamsters. > > > How To Give A Dog A Pill. 1. Wrap it in bacon. > 2. Toss it in the air. |