Posted: 2/23/2008 2:46:34 PM EDT
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So the rusted out shit box my wife drives (also know as a ford escort) has been having problems lately. The piece of shit cannot generate any heat. I would gladly set it on fire to generate heat. But I digress. I figure the goddamn thermostat is broken. Seeing the original stat' was in service when clinton was getting BJ's in the oval office I shouldn't really be surprised. So I figure "shit, this shouldn't be too bad, just pull out the old pos and replace it with a new "quality" part". Quality is in quotes because it is a ford after all. So today I get all my tools out and get ready to get it done and get some action afterwards. And this my friends (holy shit just channeled McCain there for a second) is where the fucking wheels came off. You know, I never realized that designing a fucking automobile engine was a Special Olympics event. Apparently ford took fucking gold on this car several times. The knuckle dragging fuck holes must have gotten together and said "Lets play a game where can put as much fucking shit in the way of a commonly replaced part as sub-humanly possible." So after I unbolt the ignition coil from its bracket I have to remove the goddamn bracket. Easy enough you say, but oh no, the giant fucking assholes at ford couldn't even let you get by easy with that. The last bolt that holds the bracket on is hidden underneath and to the back of the bracket. You need girly sissy midget hands to get back there without cutting the shit out of yourself. I hear the ford dealer use Puerto Rican midgets. After this abomination was overcome had to pull the goddamn filter box assembly off. The shit for brains engineers couldn't even get this right. As an aside, only a dyed in the wool, grand mal asshole makes an air filter change a pain in the ass. I can do the filter change in my other car with a beer in my hand, while shit faced, and with a serious head injury. You have to put real college try level of stupid in to fuck something like this up. But they did. Another gold at the Special Olympics for them! Oh yeah, hose clamps. Those bastards couldn't be so kind as to use the civilized kind where a couple of easy turns of the screwdriver loosens the clamp. Oh shit no, use the obnoxious kind you need to compress while simultaneously pulling the hose off. Assholes. Oh, that hose was as soft as my cock after seeing hilldog naked. More money to spend on parts, WEEEEEE! So, there I was, the moment of truth. Three bolts between me and some beer and action. First one was easy, a little too easy I might add. The second one was another of those Puerto Rican midget bolts. And the last was an easy slice, right up front towards the bottom. I turned the 8mm bolt with my 1/4" drive (pay attention here kids) and I SNAPPED THE FUCKING BOLT HEAD OFF!! I broke it right the fuck off! what the fuck? With a goddamn 1/4" drive, not a fucking breaker bar! I did this with a poor, ford patented, "cant get my fucking hands where they need to be to get any good goddamn leverage grip" to boot. Those cheap ass motherfuckers must have used goddamn cheap ass fucked up chinese bolts. Thanks fuckers, now I have a fucked up broken off bolt I cannot get out. I don't even think I could get a fucking drill in there to drill it out. The father in law is going to come down tomorrow to see what we can do. So I figure I should get some replacement bolts. To make a long painful story short I barely got my ass to the parts department and I got fucked up the ass to the tune of 15 dollars for three goddamn bolts! Hey Henry ford, I hope you are sucking cocks in hell with your buddy Hitler. Ass! shit! Fuck! BTW how do I get that damn bolt out? |
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10. Nice rant. And the bolts seize up/break off 'cause they're steel going into aluminum. I've never broken one off flush with or below the cylinder head, is that how yours are broken? All the times they've broke on me, it was with about a 1/4" or more of the bolt sticking out of the head. A ton of PB Blaster and a stud remover let me spin 'em out without too much drama. |
Took me 8 hours to replace a blown valve cover gasket on a 97 cadillac catera , I'm no mechanic but I do know something about cars. 8 freakin' hours......no breaks..... I took out my transmission from my F-150 , replaced the slave cylinder and put it back in in less than 4.... |
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1) Bolts come from Ace or Tru-Value... Not the stealership - pay 75 cents instead of 15 bucks, and get stainless-steel bolts that survive better... 2) Vice grips are your friend when working with craptastic small cars.... 3) Try changing the spark-plugs on a 1997 Camaro sometime (the V8 version, of course)... 4) If you think that's bad, I know a guy who had an older Porsche, and had to literally cherry-pick the engine to do mechanical work on it... |
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If you can drill a hole in it, you can use what used to be called (maybe still?) EZ outs. It turns ccw into the hole you drill in the bolt and tightens up. Probably need to hit it with penetrating oil first and you really need a tap handle. Last set of EZ outs I picked up was from Sears. It's not an '85 Escort or long ago the TFI module would've played the look I start when I'm cold and not when I'm hot game. I still have the scar from the M-I-L's 90 something Escort wagon. If you want to see more fine engineering for assembly and not for service, try changing the oil filter on the last couple years worth of F-150's. |
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Nice rant! It made me glad my income doesnt come from that line of work anymore hicles Just be glad its not a VW |
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 +  if that does not work (vice grip just spins on the stud that is sticking out try  +  get a long enough chisel on the top half of the stud, tap it with the hammer to begin to cut into it, once you get a nice cut going in the stud smack the crap out of it counter clockwise until the stud begins to spin in the block. |
| Been there done that. I feel your pain, the fords are not easy to work on at all. I remember replacing an exhaust manifold on my 351 windsor and broke most of the bolts flush with the block. Agghhh!! I had to make a drill guide jig to get the bolts out, big pain in the ass but it worked. The bolts were all corroded as hell, it was no wonder they broke. |
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I won't work on a ford... as you said commonly replaced parts are a fucking chore... do the EGR on a newer 302 LTD or crown vic.. Ya.. fucking special olympics all right. hell the O2 for that matter.. JUNK! And I am half puerto rican... not a midget though..  ETA: try the oil pump on the same POS! 
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 I had to replace the rack and pinion on a ford taurus once... I fought all night taking that fucker out... the way the stealer takes it out is by removing the frame below that suspends the transmission to the chassis, then they suspend it with a lift. it is almost imfuckingpossible to do yourself. working on my jeep is much easier. 
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