Warning

 

Close

Confirm Action

Are you sure you wish to do this?

Confirm Cancel
Member Login
Posted: 11/1/2001 6:27:26 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/1/2001 6:25:34 PM EDT by Scratch]
I got the news a few months ago. He has an inoperable brain tumor. He most likely has less then 6 months left. AS you can imagine he is starting to loose his mind and sometimes has a hard time talking. My dad is good guy that has had nothing but shitty luck his whole life. He's been a cop for thirty five years and everyone that knows him adores him including my three boys. He lives five hours from me and so I don't get o see him as much as I'd like. He is a puss when it comes to women though and can't wipe his ass without asking her first. His current wife ,of a little over a year,(number three) is one of the dumbest people I have ever met. I'm not kidding or trying to be mean. She is really a dope. You know the kind that believes EVERYTHING they read. I have a hard time spending any time with him because of her and her kids. She has young kids and are they are disrespectful to my dad. I want to give all three them (wife and two kids) a good spanking. She has him going to her parents house for Thanksgiving this year. This doesn't sound so bad at first but, it is a family tradition to spend thanksgiving with dad.We then go out at cut our xmas tree for the year on his mountain. AND her parents don't like my dad and would not talk to him until they found out he was dying. So much for traditions. Anyways my dad called tonight and asked me to write him a letter of those things of his that I would like. I asked his to give me what he wants me to have and he just said I don't know pick some stuff but I'm leaving most to my wife. I don't want money from my dad. I want his thoughts and what he wants to share. I don't give a shit about any life insurance or anything else. I've got a good job and life and don't need anything from him. I don't know how to write all the emotions that are going through me right now. I'm typing this just to blow steam. I'm that one that has always been there for my dad. Everytime his life takes a shit, I'm there to help him out and there is nothing I can do now. I also feel like he is pushing me aside and won't share any of himself with me. I kind of feel like a step child. Anyways, I'd like to share the letter i wrote him and open it up for comment.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:28:10 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/1/2001 6:27:06 PM EDT by Scratch]
First of all, I feel like a complete ass for writing this type of letter. What a great honor it is to ask for dads stuff. Gee let see, what of my dad’s do I want? I would like my dad’s blue work chest and the grinder that he once showed me that you could get hurt using by sticking his own finger in it until it bleed. I would like to have my dad’s guns, M1 carbine, 45 COLT with both our initials on it, etc. I hope that my son, the one with your name also) could some day have. I learned to love these and to respect them by spending time in the mountains and deserts with my pop. Me trying to make him proud by hitting that can. I would like to have the wall hanging of the medicine bag that was on my dad’s wall when he was a little boy. I think it would be something to put on my little one’s wall and hopefully then again on his son’s wall. I would like to have my dad’s personal things like his clothes, his hats, his jackets. I remember him getting this bright Pendleton jacket that he had wanted but never seemed to do for himself. He was so proud of that. What about the green Air Force Jacket that you gave me when I was 6? I wore that to school when the sleeves touched the ground until the day I graduated from high school. I’d like to wear the flight jacket you have most recently worn. Again, it has my dad’s name on it and I couldn’t look at it with out thinking of him. I’m sure there are other things that have no value to anyone else but that when I look at could only spell Pop! I would like for my dad to look at himself and think of what he has that when he looks at, he thinks of me and I’d like for him to consider what he has that he is proud of and of these things, what would he like to share with myself and his grandkids. Love your son Bob Thanks just for listening. It hasn't been a good night, couple of months or is it going to get better for a while. Thanks again for listening. I hope I don't sound foolish. I miss my dad already. It's almost like he doesn't want to be close. Scratch
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:32:38 PM EDT
I'm sorry to hear about your father's tumor. I lost my father at 14, and it was a devastating blow. The best thing you have is what you already described, the memories. Be sure to remember them and pass them on to your children, as that is how we all live on after we've left this place. God be with you and your family. Tex
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:32:53 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:34:13 PM EDT
Sorry to here about your father. My prayers are with youy. To bad the wife will yet alot of his stuff, but I guess there was a reason your dad loved her, so..... sgtar15
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:35:24 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/1/2001 6:29:30 PM EDT by firefight]
Good luck with your current situation and God Bless.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:35:30 PM EDT
Scratch- I'll keep you and your Dad in my prayers. Lori
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:36:41 PM EDT
Sorry you're having to go through what you're going thru, Scratch. I lost my dad 10 yrs ago on the 27th of this month. Hang in there.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:41:23 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:41:58 PM EDT
[Last Edit: 11/1/2001 6:36:28 PM EDT by a2carbine]
I have been there man,and not to long ago. My Granddad was like my Dad and I wanted to do NOTHING but honor him after he passed. The lil. things that are nothing to anybody else will be some of your most loved things in time. One thing I did that helped alot was get clean cut (just they way he liked it)and went to the VFW and just talked to some of the guys there. These are his boys[:)] I wanted to honor the same thing he would and by that I honor him.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:42:01 PM EDT
I pray for you and your Dad.. just one request; Take him out for a weekend soon. Chat,camp,hunt,do something you both love.. you will always remember it and so will he...Pat
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:43:07 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:44:46 PM EDT
Hang in there man. I just went through the same thing with my mother the last two years. She died january of this year. I wish there was something I could tell you to make it better, but there really isn't anything. It just tears you up. Always seems to happen to those who least deserve it. Just thought maybe it might help a little to know there are some of us out here who know what you are going through. Sorry to hear it, hope it is as painless as possible. Nobody deserves this sort of thing.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:45:13 PM EDT
Pat, this is one of the things that bothers me so. I've tried several times to get him to do something or even nothing with me. He alway has something better to do lately. Thanks everyone. Scratch
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:46:05 PM EDT
You have my most sincere respect and shared anguish for your situation. Scary thing is that it hits so close to home. Hard to believe but things will get better in a while. I know for the fact of being there myself. The shit really hit the fan and it was the only time in my life that I felt afraid, I mean that I could do something fatal to my self and not being able to stop it. Went outside to contemplate and there was an old WW2 vet from the VFW,asked me what was wrong.He had been a drunk for years. Told him that some bad stuff was going on. He told me about something real bad that almost killed him, and that I would be OK. He was right. I know I met my Guardian Angel that night. A burden was taken from me. Shortly after that I saw him and he told me that I somehow gave him stregth that night and he quit boozing. Go figure and thank God. That was in 1993 and we are both OK now. It may not seem like it now but things WILL get better.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 6:54:05 PM EDT
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 7:01:03 PM EDT
ive always just read on this site, but lately ive become a member and started posting a little. ive slowly formed a bad opinion based on just a few people on this site (my mistake) but after seeing these responses there are a lot of good hearted people here also. prayers with you scratch!!! GOD BLESS!
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 7:03:42 PM EDT
One of the most valuable things I ever did when my event approached, was to make a concrete memory. I used a video camera and had a talk. I asked questions, told a joke, remembered a funny time, told secrets, etc.. My boys were to young to remember, but by watching the video they can see the person I loved. The warm face, the smiles and laughter, and of course the sound of the voice. I don't know how far along your dad is, but if possible, try to capture one brief moment.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 7:07:55 PM EDT
Originally Posted By Scratch: Pat, this is one of the things that bothers me so. I've tried several times to get him to do something or even nothing with me. He alway has something better to do lately. Thanks everyone. Scratch
View Quote
It could be that he doesn't want to be a burden during anything you do. Just show up and spend some time with him. Just talk to him. Ask him those things you never got a chance to during normal life. God Bless Texas
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 7:25:59 PM EDT
Scratch, our hearts and prayers are with you and your father I went thru the same thing 30 yrs ago and we lost we lost my wife's father on 23JUL01 about as close a personal friend as I ever had. Your pop dont think of you as a stepchild he's just a man and he don't want you (or himself) to think he needs you for anything. As young men we don't understand this but what would be worse than having to rely on somebody else to do the things you always did? That seemed to be the toughest part for my dad in 71 and same for my wifes father when i think about it I sort of understand
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 7:28:38 PM EDT
Scratch what I meant that he doesn't need you for anything meant that he doesn't want to feel that he has to rely on you or anybody else I guess its just a man thing.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 7:34:44 PM EDT
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your Pop!
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 7:35:48 PM EDT
Scratch, Cherish these times my friend. Make the most of it while you can. Don't let his wife and kids or anything stand in your way. You're lucky that you still have a little time to say things that need to be said and do things that need to be done. You see, my dad was taken away from me on August 11, 2000 in a horrible job related accident. I never got to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him. I know he knows how I feel because he is with God now. Believe me I KNOW how this is hurting you. But from my point of view, you have a golden opportunity to spend some remaining quality time with him. Make every effort while you can. Above all, make sure he knows the Lord. Any clergyman from the various religions can help him if he doesn't. It's been 15 long months for me, but YES, time is healing me. It will do the same for you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. In God's Love, BBURN
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 7:41:47 PM EDT
My Father also tried to get some space for himself, when he realized time was running out. He acted like he was a pain in the ass to everyone who showed that they cared. I don't this and I don't that but we knew how he was and were pains in the ass. My younger brother kept a lot of his things and we have his forsight to remember much about the man who went off to war in 1943 and came home, for us. We were there for him later. Hang in there and whatever you think is worth while, ask for it. We all go around this life once so make the most of what you can and from what you want. Your in my prayers.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 8:06:58 PM EDT
I feel for you. My Dad was a cop for 29 yrs. Fortunately he had 20 yrs of debt free retirement. He passed away, after a short illness 2 years ago. I still grieve his passing. I wish In had spent more time with him toward the end. My advice is to let him know what he means to you, and how much he gave you, as a father. I didn't have the time and it still haunts me with guilt feelings. Rethink what property of his, you might want. If he does not have a will, depending on the state you live in, you may have some rights to his estate. Don't want to sound greedy, but some mementos, may mean a lot to you. For me it was his old service revolvers, badge, gunbelt uniforms and military (WWII) medals. Hang in there, but please take care of business. Best of luck...A Brother in Arms: Ray
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 9:16:54 PM EDT
I'am sorry to hear that Scratch. Lost my mom very quickly a few years ago. It's not easy, thats for sure. The only thing that has help me, is time passed. Doesn't help alot, but time does heal most wounds. Just be sure to spend as much time with him now and tell him how you feel about him. I really didn't have that time with my mom. The wife and I will light a candle Sunday for you and yours. Take care.
Link Posted: 11/1/2001 9:17:18 PM EDT
Losing Dad is like having the weight of the world laid on your shoulders. He does not think of you as a stepchild, he does not want you to carry a burden which he considers his alone to bear. Take the time and say what you think needs saying. Spend time with him, and ask for the tangible things that defined him - as already mentioned. My two most treasured possessions are my dad's old tractor, and his tool cabinet (he was an auto mechanic) and every time I open a tool drawer and smell the same thing he did for almost his entire adult life. Dad passed away almost forty years ago, and I still grieve when I think about it long enough........
Link Posted: 11/2/2001 5:13:46 AM EDT
I can't tell you guy how much all this means to me. I appreciate all the support. I didn't know how this would be received. I just needed to vent. I'm a very type A person and have not been able to put this down for a while now. I can't even tell you when the last time I slept was. My wife and kids get the brunt of this because they are around. I really need to get my shit together and take care of those around me. Once again you guys have come through and opened my eyes a little bit. Thank you immensely Scratch
Link Posted: 11/2/2001 5:24:29 AM EDT
Scratch - Sorry to hear of your situation. Give your kids a big hug tonite. The SAME "Circle of Life" that may take your dad soon brought you your children. LEARN from what you are feeling right now, and CHANGE so that when your kids are in your shoes, they will have you and your love as much as possible. Get as many pics with your dad as possible. Do it NOW. Your VERY wise in steering away from the $$$. As a CPA, I have seen it TEAR APART too many families. Don't feel bad about wanting a few of your dads personal belongings. Its only natural. There are PLENTY of other LEGITIMATE things in life to feel guilty about. Don't create new ones. I came close to losing mine a few years ago. So I only really know a VERY LITTLE of what you are feeling. Hang in there.
Link Posted: 11/2/2001 5:42:39 AM EDT
It's tough. We're grown and have kids of our own. Someday they will feel the hurt that we've endured losing loved ones. As those before us have endured. Nobody said that it was going to be easy. Godspeed.
Link Posted: 11/2/2001 5:44:05 AM EDT
Scratch, As always, the members of this board have passed out some terrific advice on how to make the best of a bad situation. I think your Dad asked you what you want in order to ensure he is able to please you the best he can, not to put you on the spot. I feel you are on the right track and that you and your children should spend as much time with your Dad as you can regardless of any ill will from his current wife. Take them all out and have at least one more big outing of some kind, and take a ton of pictures and video for you but mostly for your kids. God bless you. Semper Fi
Link Posted: 11/2/2001 5:54:06 AM EDT
Sorry to hear about your father. I've been in the same boat with 2 step-fathers I was very close to. The memories will be the only thing you can hold on to. I also have the work bench in my garage that one of my step fathers built in the 60's. Solid as a rock, just like him. It's nice to see it every day. It's nice to have memories.
Top Top