Posted: 11/7/2007 3:21:26 PM EDT
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Hi, I dont post on here too much because I like to read and learn but Ive been a member for a little while. I'm 18 and still living w/my parents and brothers (17 and 19) and going to the community college here w/my older bro. Well My parents are getting divorced...its not 100% official yet but after you read the lengthy details it'll show that divorce is the intention. I have a few questions because my mom could seriously screw my dad (she will) and possibly my brothers and I over and Ive noticed that alot of people here have some good advice on divorces. Any help would be Greatly Appreciated. Here's a quick background on my parents... Dad-Very hard working man. Works 4:30am-4:30 pm 6 days a week as a diesal mechanic for International Trucks. THE most unselfish man I know. He literally goes through the week with nothing more than $20 dollars and always puts my brothers, my mom, and I first. And has NEVER complained about it as long as we were happy, he was. (I'm actually tearing up talking about how great my dad is). He's clean cut, raised me up right, got my bros and I into BSA and brought us up through church, and most of all loves his family and will be there for us always. Ive never known of a better man. Mom- Helped raise my brothers and I and at times still goes out of her way for us. But is very deceiteful. Even though my dad gladly gives her anything she needs she still lies and steals from him(ALOT, about 3-400 a week)....and from the family. Our house is seriously cluttered....for years there have been piles of my moms random junk everywhere...and this is what spurred the events that lead to this. When my brothers and I were younger my mom used to threaten divorce to my dad if certain requirements werent met, and my dad had to agree because he did not want to play part-time father. Well since my brothers and I are older she can't play that game. And we know right from wrong and unfortunately both my brothers and I see the wrong that my mom is doing to my dad (threaten divorce, threaten to call cops for false accusations of being beat, stealing, lying, etc). But my dad deals with it because he loves her and knows that when my brothers and I are gone out of college they (parents) will have no worries and can enjoy eachother and their time together. So my moms calling it quits. She thinks my brothers, my dad, and I are all against her. All 4 of us always try to make things better and never raise our voices to her, especially my dad, and always try to work things out. Her best friend just got a divorce and I think some of that "freedom" has been instilled into her. So my parents are now getting a divorce and this is where my questions come in... 1-my mom has credit cards and is using them ALOT right now since she's apparently planned to divorce. (Buying new bed, Tv, Dressers, etc) What do you recommed to do about that? 2- my mom is on my older bros and mine checking account....how do I get her off? 3- my mom handles our payments...and we're afraid she's been stowing away money recently instead of paying them such as vehicle payments (my older bro and I were bought trucks for doing good). What do you recommend there? 4-my mom has always believed she was sick. And shes currently thinks she has Fibromyalgia and Lupis. She's had countless amount of medicines perscribed and has played the "sick" game ALOT. She'd never take my bros and I to church, my dad did, she's always too "sick" to do anything except fun things. And ANY other advice would be greatly appreciated. I honestly think my moms being selfish and flat out acting wrong and is ruining things. I think i'm not as hurt as my brothers but that isnt saying much. I know the best thing to do is "lawyer up" first but my dad has been trying to make things work and I think he did good even though financially it wasnt the best decision. Anyways any info would be GREATLY appreciated....Thanks BigHunter27 |
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Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through it. What she does with her own credit cards that she shares with your dad is between her and your dad. Your brother and you should open new checking accounts, close the old ones, and transfer the money. You're 18. "Mom, I'm 18 and it's time I had my own account" if she says anything. If you're not sure she's making the car payments, doublecheck it. You know who the loan is through, right? Don't get in the middle. You'll get through it. You sound like you were brought up to be honorable and to know right from wrong. |
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Quoted: 1-my mom has credit cards and is using them ALOT right now since she's apparently planned to divorce. (Buying new bed, Tv, Dressers, etc) What do you recommed to do about that? Whos name are they under???Account holder.... 2- my mom is on my older bros and mine checking account....how do I get her off? Stop haveing your money going in there... Go to the bank and tell them what is going on and see if she can be removed. If not. TELL HER you want her off the account and have the account closed 3- my mom handles our payments...and we're afraid she's been stowing away money recently instead of paying them such as vehicle payments (my older bro and I were bought trucks for doing good). What do you recommend there? Recipts...Were are they. Call your lenders to verify how much is being paid. pay your own bills When the devorce proceedings begin....And when you go to court with Dad... Tell the truth of what you saw and heard |
Just get her out of the middle of your money ASAP.....If she is as you describe her, she seems vindictive enough to try and fuck you out of all the money in your checking account.... |
Your mom is sick. She sounds bi-polar. Seriously. And it can have OCD or secondary diagnosis as well. Take all the money out of your account except for 10 dollars and open your own account in your own name. You do not need her permission to do that since you are 18. The 17 yr old can do the same. When your dad gets divorced he need to request that she close the accounts in her name so you won't get in trouble if she bounces checks. I am sorry you are going through this. Be supportive of your dad. But also don't hate your mother. You may want to talk with your minister about Bi-polar disorder and get their support while this is all going on. She sounds just like my mother. My mom didn't get help until she was in late 60's and had made my dads life hell. This is hard to diagnose and even harder for those who suffer with it to stay on medication. Your dad is a good man. And he raised you to be a good son. Sometimes that means tough love. I hope in time this will smooth over for all of you. AF |
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Get your Dad and brothers to keep a journal of what your mom says and does that is or seems deceiteful. If you think your Father won't do it then don't tell him about what you and your brothers are doing. Your description of your Father makes me believe that he is loyal to a fault, he may tell your mom whats going on, it already seems that his loyalty is gonna be his undoing. You definitly need to DOCUMENT EVERY TIME YOUR MOM THREATENS TO CALL THE COPS AND FALSLY ACCUSE YOUR FATHER OF ABUSE. That is extortion, and you need to have a record of it when they go to court. Remember that this shit is thier fault and not yours. |
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Having watched my parents go through this as well I can give you what I feel like is some solid advice. 1. Tell your dad to get a copy of his credit report and cancel all credit cards or lines of credit that show up on it. Also tell him to then put out an alert with Equifax, Expedian, and Trans Union. He can do this himself (time consuming) or call any of his current credit cards and sign up for the "credit protection for $x.xx/month. 2. Get your own checking account. I had a friend whos father was on his account and when his dad decided to quit paying child support they "garnished" the money from his sons account because his name was on it. 3. If your mom is handling your payments for your actual bills then you need to step up and take care of them yourself. If they are in your name you need to make sure they get paid....ie pay them yourself or make her write the check and mail it yourself. If they aren't in your name then the only thing you stand to loose is whatever the bill goes towards...ie cell phone getting shut off or car getting repoed. These are things your dad is going to need to make sure are paid so as not to ruin his credit. You mentioned a truck, cars can be a messy situation and they give the owner leverage over the driver. I don't know your financial situation but if things get too nasty you might have to buy a beater or you and your brothers might need to share a vehicle. 4. Fibromyalgia is a bullshit diagnosis for people that want pain meds, IMO. Divorce sucks but you and your brothers can make it through. I did and so did my younger brothers. I was 17 and they were 11 and 12 at the beginning and the divorce took almost 5 years to finalize. The only winners there were the attorneys. Help your brothers and watch out for yourself. You can't fix your parents or their relationship. Getting caught up in the drama is cancerous for you. It is completely fine to have an opinion of whos right and wrong but at the end of the day you just have to treat them like any other couple on the street. If you went through life worrying about everybody's problems it would kill you, this is no different well except that its your parents. Good Luck Grove |
Not sure if the bank account was opened with his SS#, but if she overdraws it action can come against him if it is a joint account. |
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I know this hurts you a lot to watch happen. I know you want to help. Sorry you have to be part of this. Divorce is ugly and painful. I lived through something very similar when I was in my early twenties. My Mom never did become sane again and spent the rest of her life blaming my Dad for the life she created for herself by lying, cheating, and divorcing him. I never liked her again. I finally forgave her about five minutes before she died. It sucks, but she chose the path she walked. It's just too bad she spent so many years trying to get us all to hate Father as much as she did. Expect your Mother to pull the same shit. She will. As a matter of fact my sister is doing the same thing right now. She is pissed at her kids and any family member that has the nerve to speak the truth. I suppose she'll forgive me some day, but I don't know if her adult daughters will ever forget the lies and vitriol she has heaped upon them for not getting behind her with the whole "your Father is the Devil" schtick as she steals and lies and sleeps around. It's sad. You have my sympathy. I'll leave the financial advice to others. |
Just razzin' ya. But it's always amazed me why so many people ask for relationship advice from people who so obviously suck at it. That's like asking financial advice from the guy who's declared bankruptcy 3 times. Anywho. Get her out of your financial picture ASAP. However you can. Ditto on verifying the account holder of the credit cards. She can rack up all the debt she wants if she's the "owner." Start documenting EVERYTHING. What she says. What she does. Everything. Your dad needs to start protecting his ASSets as well. |
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Sometimes you have to choose between the two parents. Sucks but it's true. If there is any "accusations" that are untrue then you do a dis-service to the one wronged if you do not speak out. Your Mom does sound like she has some mental issue's but that is no excuse for bad behavior. It sounds as if she has used bad behavior for many years to get what she wants and it is now a habit. You can love someone but hate how they act. Do as suggested above and open an account in your name only, transfer all but the minimum into it. Make sure the bank or CU knows not to allow anyone but yourself access unless they have your permission. I use a "codeword" myself that has to be asked on ALL tranfers or withdrawls. Good luck and it sounds like your Dad is a good guy. He's been there for you, do the same for him if he needs it. |
Unfortunately, many people nowadays can't move on from that period of "lust", and eventually realize, once married, that their commitment means so much more. It was meant to be forever. For better or worse. On your deathbed, the commitment to that greater good of family and God is so much more satisfying than any fleeting lust. Too many adults today cannot get beyond their own selfishness. They will chase material and physical pleasures to their own destruction. And in the process, damage their offspring. |
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simply put I have learned one thing in life: Things are always gonna be F'ed up. NOt say I know where your coming from but I feeling the same from several different things from many directions for years now... Hang in there... Close your bank account... get a lawyer... and if she calls the police on your dad for "Abuse" beat the living shit outta yourself and calls the cops and say she did it... have your brother back you up... give the bitch a taste of her own medicine... j0hn |
| Alright i'm back...havent read through all of the replies yet but I do appreciate them. On a side note I think I have about 250 left in my checking account. Luckily i'm building a SBR and i've been spending alot of money out of it (I still have about 2k in my safe for "backup"). I'll have a better response as soon as I'm done reading the posts. Thanks Again |
That's all good advice. You may want to pull your credit reports (all of the kids) and see if your mother has opened accounts in your names. |
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Alright...I read through the posts and there seems to be a good overall opinion on how to handle the situations. Like I said in my last post funds currently in my checking account are luckily low so I'll transfer what I have left into a new one. My bro will do the same. I'll talk to my dad and see what we can do about cutting her free money supply off. He knows we have to do that too...that was the 1st thing we briefly discussed. I'm hurt...but in all honesty I knew it'd happen eventually. My mom has been treating my dad horribly. And it probably is a better thing in the end. But I have been sticking with my dad even though I dont want to pick sides. On a side note, my bro and I carpool to and from college and ive been noticing new scractches in the bed of my truck. Also my seat was adjusted. Well putting two and two together, my moms been driving my truck around moving stuff she's bought online w/credit cards. I hid the spares so that will stop, but who knows what else I dont know. Also she's not a big girl...she'd need help moving her stuff. I'm curious as to who helped... Thanks again, I appreciate all info BigHunter27 |
Sorry to hear this, man...Sounds like it has been coming on for a long time and they just waited long enough for you and your sibs to get grown.
Your dad sounds like a good man, but he's also been driven to be a "work-a-holic" because the home life is miserable so he seeks refuge in his work.
Is this your bio mother we're talking about?
Serious issues here, where have I heard this story before? Oh yeah, the same thing happened to me. No matter how hard I tried to keep the place livable, she had to keep every box, food container, or any other piece of junk that she might want to use at some unspecified later date until the house is stuffed to the rafters with garbage that hasn't seen the light of day in years.
People who love each other don't issue ultimatums. It sounds like this marriage has been dead for a while and he'll be better off without her.
It sounds more like your dad is man enough that he has toughed it out this long just to get you kids grown.
Possibly still a conscience there?
Cancel all accounts now! Get a copy of all 3 credit reports and look for other accounts that she might have behind his back. ANYTHING with his name on it can be cancelled by him and it needs to be done 5 minutes ago.
See the last one above, and that goes for you too my friend. YOU NEED TO CHECK YOUR CREDIT REPORTS TOO! I see cases every day where parents have used children's SSN's to open credit accounts when the parents have wrecked their own.
Call all known credit accounts with your name on them and request a "Payment History", "Current Balance", and "Payoff Amount". If the accounts have your dad's name on them, he will have to do this himself but again it needs to be done now!
Dear God kid, have you been reading my mail too? I have heard this same schtick so many times that it makes me want to puke. HYPOCHONDRIACS are the most INSIDEOUS monsters out there. They play steal the role of victim from others around them and then accuse the ones around them of being the monsters because they don't believe that they are really sick. These same monsters look for "Subjective" illnesses instead of "Objective" illnesses like "Fibromyalgia" and other nonsensical crap because they know that they cannot be positively diagnosed as ill or well.
I'm sorry if any of this sounds brutal, I'm just an old man who's been where you are right now and it sucks. I'm praying for you and yours, my friend. All this above is just my humble .02 because I've been where you are right now. ALSO, you and your sibs need to think about getting some kind of counseling to help get YOU through this too. There are free sources available with churches, schools, etc. Hang in there man. This won't be easy but it sounds like it is inevitable and it will be worth it in the end. |
Gather information. Get the loan info on your vehicles (loan number, payment history, etc) Get account numbers for everything. Notice the bank names on statements and write them down. This will make it harder for her to hide accounts. If you can, run a credit report on her. This will list all accounts, loans and credit cards she has access to. I suggest having your father gain control over the bills, bank accounts, loans, credit cards, everything. |
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Sorry to hear that man. I went through the same thing. I was older, but my kid brother was your age. For me, it was my father that went nutzo. I just want to say it normal to feel betrayed by this. I would counsel you however not to say or do anything rash, even if you might want to. Let it cool off for a couple of years before you make any decisions about permanently cutting someone out of your life. If you need anything drop me a pm. 
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This is the best advice I have seen in this thread. Good luck to you and your brothers. |