Posted: 10/8/2007 10:43:14 PM EDT
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> The proper description of the tools everyone has, or should have. > > > > 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat >metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest >and flings >your favorite chilled beverage across the room, splattering it against that >freshly painted part you were drying. > > > > 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under >the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and >hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "****!!!" > > > > 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in > their holes >until you die of old age. > > > > 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads. > > > > 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board > > principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, >and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future >becomes. > > > > 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is >available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to >the palm of >your hand. > > > > 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable >objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease >inside a wheel >hub from which you are trying to remove the bearing race. > > > > 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and >motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or >1/2" socket >you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes. > > > > 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the > ground after >you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly >under the bumper. > > > > 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an automobile >upward off a hydraulic jack handle. > > > > 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas fir. > > > > 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another >hydraulic floor jack. > > > > 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically, useful as a sandwich tool for >spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots. > > > > 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt > holes and >is ten times harder than any known drill bit. > > > > 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile >strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect. > > > > 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool >that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the >end without >the handle. > > > > 17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. > > > > 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called >droplight, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is >not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main >purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm >howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of >the Battle of the >Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. > > > > 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style >paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be >used, as the name >implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads. > > > > 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning >power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels >by hose to a Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 >years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off. > > > > 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or >bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. > > > > 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses exactly one inch too short. > > > > 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is >used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the >object we are trying to hit. > > > > 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of >cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly >well on boxes >containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and >the other >hand not holding the knife. > > > > So there you have it; a complete description of the tools all men need, and >occasionally use correctly. |
