Posted: 5/15/2007 12:15:47 PM EDT
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The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom." |
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A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" Rope walks out, goes around the back of the bar, ties himself in a knot, unravels a short length of himself, then walks back into the bar. Bartender says, "Hey, ain't you the same rope was in here a minute ago?" Rope says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!" |
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Two Minnesotans, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up, and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders, and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me." VAIT!!! Dere's MORE! Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either." BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!! Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff, and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting... and now Lars, hengliding..." Dats all. Dere ain't no more! "You don't stop playing because you get old. You get old because you stop playing." |
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Sigmund Freud "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." Sam Kinison "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Henny Youngman First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." |
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Long but worth it Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3) Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge #1 - Little too heavy on the Tomato; amusing kick. Judge #2 - Nice, smooth Tomato flavor, very mild. Judge #3 - What the Hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy! Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge #2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer... Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound woman is starting to look hot... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more Tomato. Must admit, the Cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge #1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian chili. Good ballance of spices and peppers. Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb! Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili #7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge #2 - Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like its made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to some really hot chili? Judge#3 - farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to some really hot chili? |
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One more for now. A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring "Battleship mouth and Rowboat Ass". The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature. The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an (edit)!" Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client? Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. Attorney: Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make? Officer: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH", underlined. Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer? Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir" Attorney: Aggressive and hostile" Officer: "Yes Sir" Attorney: Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for (edit)? Officer: Well Sir, You know your client better than I do! |
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All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather & great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?" Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, light of my life but few-watts-short-of- a 25 watt bulb,-- your father, grandfather & great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July." |
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." Mike |
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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!" The old woman fainted. |
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A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." Mike |
| a man runs a stop sign and is imediately pulled over by a police officer. the officer walks up to the mans car asks him why he felt compelled to run the stop sign. the man of course is very angry and replies, "well i slowed down damn it, whats the difference?" the officer then asks the man to step out of the car. as soon as the man steps out the officer starts to beat him savagely with his night stick and says, "would you like me to stop or slow down?" |
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Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hilary Clinton for President? Signed, Worried About My Reputation |
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A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2 346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Independent!" "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me." The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault." |
another variation: A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude." "You must be an engineer" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says "You must be a manager." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault." |
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A husband and wife are in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She: "Oh, that feels good." His hand moves to her breast. She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg. She: "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops. She: "Why did you stop?" He: "I found the remote..." |
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap."Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells... "Wow, HAND LOTION TOO!" Mike |
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A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands." "Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a litre of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... Silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?" Mike |
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Senator (D-NY) Hillary Clinton and husband Bill arrive at Yankee Stadium for a crucial, end-of-season, Yankees - Boston Red Sox game. They take their seats in a first row box VIP box with their Secret Service security team directly behind them. One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a request of the entire team, from the owner, George Steinbrierner, right down to the bat boy." Bill hesitates, but begins to change his mind when the agent also tells him all the fans would love it. Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that's what the people want... C'mere Hilly baby..." With that, Bill stands up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the railing onto the field. Hillary lands on her ass in the dirt. She quickly jumps up, kicking, swearing, screaming, "Bill, you "!^$#@&!&!" The stadium crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting, hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd and photographers. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what's wrong. "Sir," the agent replies, "I said they want you to throw out the first pitch!" Mike |
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An elderly man and his wife were driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a cop. When the cop asked the man for his license, the wife (who is hard of hearing) looks at her husband and says, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Leaning towards his wife, the man replies, "HE WANTS TO SEE MY LICENSE!" "Oh", she says. Lookng at the license, the cop says, "Illinois, huh? Long way from home." "WHAT DID HE SAY?" asked the wife. "HE SAYS WE'RE A LONG WAY FROM HOME!" "Oh", she says. Shaking his head, the cop says, "Worst piece of ass I ever had was in Illinois." "WHAT DID HE SAY?" asked the wife. Looking at his wife, the man said, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!" |
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Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?" The barman said, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?" Bush said, "We're planning World War III." The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million North Koreans and one bicycle repairman." The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!" Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million North Koreans! |
Another variation: A man takes his friend up in a helicopter to show him around his city but soon the fog blankets everything and they are lost and unable to navigate to a safe landing area. Soon they come to a high rise office building and they can see office workers inside. The pilot has an inspiration and tells his friend to make a sign "where are we?" and hold it up while he hovers outside a window. A worker inside saw them and quickly makes a sign "37th floor." "Perfect, I know exactly where we are," says the pilot. as he flies over to a nearby landing pad. Amazed, his friend asked, "how could you figure out where you were from that sign?" "Simple," replied the pilot. "As soon as I saw that technically correct and completely useless answer, I knew it was the Microsoft building downtown." |
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.” |
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A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon." Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing." A useless message in my in-box trumpeted, "Satisfy the girls with a bigger dick!" Hey, I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick, especially if it's bigger than mine. |
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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Morris about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Morris advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby looked at her. "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Morris?" "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..." Mike |